Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
GWENNA
After the ball, Kai’s the one to escort me home.
And it’s hard to say who’s less happy about it.
Outside the dining hall, he’s waiting, a cigarette between his teeth and the collar of his jacket turned up against the wind as stumbling, giggling couples and friend groups slip-slide their way home.
He sees me—us, me and Morgan—but doesn’t move.
“You coming, or what?”
“You two were taking forever.” He lifts the cigarette.
“Just go,” I whisper. “I’ll be fine.”
Morgan glowers, but nods, and clips off with a toss of her hair.
That leaves just me and Kai.
I fold my arms, the effects of Morgan’s warming perfume long dissipated, and pretend not to
Kai drags on his cigarette, its orange light flaring harshly over his features. Eyes hard on me.
Then he drops it to the ground and grinds it out with his heel.
“You could have finished,” I say. “I don’t care.”
“Oh, but I take pleasure in the sacrifice,” he drawls, the words escaping on an ashy exhale.
He sets off down the footpath without waiting for me.
Fuck. I gather the skirts of my dress in one hand and awkwardly rush to catch up.
“Thanks for waiting,” I huff, when I reach him.
He says nothing.
And for some reason, that just makes me want to push him.
“Your brother’s a good dancer,” I remark. Fake casual. Airy as can be. Remembering Kai’s unmistakable stare at us as Kingston led me around the dance floor.
Kai still says nothing. But his steps quicken.
“Oh, is that what’s wrong?” I practically sneer the words. “You’re jealous? Is that why you’re pouting?”
It’s mean, but I don’t care. He’s said—he’s done—way worse to me. He’s doing worse to me, with this whole cold-shoulder act.
Or maybe it’s not an act. Maybe this is just who he is.
There’s no answer. Not in words. Kai just gives me a look—a longer up-and-down than usual. The longest interaction we’ve had since that first day in Holy Grounds, actually.
But he says nothing. Just shoves his hands in his pockets and starts walking again.
Which enrages me.
And I’m done just following him.
“What?” I say, the word fogging the air in front of me.
He keeps walking.
“Kai!”
He stops. A black silhouette against the path and snow.
“Is there something you need to say to me?” I call out. “Because…please. Seriously. You’ve—it’s been like two weeks. This is immature.”
For a moment, I think he’s going to walk away. Stalk off into the darkness and leave me here—unguarded, as if he cares.
But he doesn’t.
He takes a sharp, swift step towards me. And then another. And another. By the time he stops he’s barely a foot away from me, he’s looming over me, so close that I feel the warmth of his exhale and catch the edge of liquor on it, so close that he’s blocking out the streetlamp behind him.
So close it’s intimate. Terrifying.
He smirks. Wavers, barely, on his feet. Looks down at me.
“You clean up nice, Wednesday.”
I blink. Look down at the dress.
“You bought it for me,” I grit out. “Remember?”
“Oh. Yeah.” The smirk widens. “Better than the last one, huh? The red. All those little buttons…” In the small gap between our bodies, he rubs his thumb and forefinger together, then lets out a low whistle. “Real bitch to get undone.”
“I…what?”
I know the red dress he means. From the formal hall, last semester. When Elena had…poisoned me, it turned out. I passed out. I’d gone out of my dorm to get fresh air. I’d run into…Lanz. I remember. He picked me up, and then I woke up in his room. In his clothes. Lanz’s clothes. Kai wasn’t there.
Was he?
Now, he says nothing. Of course. And just like that, he’s in control again. Knocking me off course. Letting me know that no matter how much I hate him, he apparently hates me more.
A prickle of fear climbs up my neck.
If he hates me, could he have…
Did he…that night…
I find my voice.
“What are you talking about?” I say. Firmer. Clearer. “Why were you taking off my dress?”
Kai laughs, a cold, hollow sound. “You really think I…fuck.” He takes a step back, shaking his head and muttering something I can’t make out.
“What?” I yell after him as he retreats. “What did you just say?”
Kai stops, a few feet down the path, and glares at me over his shoulder. “I said of course you do.” He breathes out. “And incidentally, no, I’m not.”
I’m lost. “Not what?”
“Not jealous.”
Oh.
“If you must know,” he goes on. “I was just wondering where all that came from.”
“All what?”
“In there.” He jerks his head towards the ballroom. “Little Miss Backbone all of a sudden. Stands up to her bullies. No white knights needed.”
Her bullies.
All of a sudden.
As if it hadn’t been weeks. I think of Miri threatening to throw a tampon—used—at me because I “looked at her funny” in the Renfrew gang shower.
Or the time sweet-faced Amanda had a meltdown so vicious she kicked me in the stomach and left a sneaker-shaped bruise on my ribs.
Or any of the countless, cold words my mother levied at me in the reception room before she stopped showing up entirely.
Even just the fact that I was willing to sit, alone, for hours on end, diving straight into the dark, ugly heart of the worst day of my life.
The EMDR may not have cured my trauma. Renfrew might not have fixed whatever is or isn’t wrong with me. But at least it proved I can withstand looking it all right in the eye.
“It came from me,” I say to Kai. “That’s where. It came from me. And them?” I sweep an arm towards the dining hall. “I’ve seen way worse than what some college girls can do. Way, way worse. I’m not even close to afraid of them anymore.”
Kai stands still. The only movement the steam of his breath from his lips and nose.
He isn’t meeting my eyes.
He’s staring at my outstretched arm.
At my scars.
Instinctively, I want to pull back, curl up on myself.
But I don’t.
“So it was bad,” Kai says. “That place.” A statement, not a question.
“Well, it wasn’t a fucking vacation,” I snap. Now I fold my arms. “I’m not doing this. It’s too cold.”
I set off again down the path, my teeth clicking a little from the cold and from…something else. Nerves. The restless energy of having gotten it out of me, the thing I really needed to say.
Something warm and soft hits my shoulders. Startled, I spin around.
Kai stands behind me in just his suit jacket, his long coat gone.
Wrapped around me.
“Don’t freeze.”