Chapter 30
THIRTY
GWENNA
We go to the only place that makes sense.
Camlann House.
Laura Vale was 58 years old. She was found in her kitchen—her new boyfriend, Max or whoever it is, coming by for dinner—and she was lying cold on the floor.
Ischemic stroke. Sudden. Tragic. Random.
Morgan hustles me to a couch and goes to make tea, calling for reinforcements. Callahan appears first, finds me a blanket that I don’t really need. Lanz rushes in and looks sick to his stomach when he hears, and Kai…
Kai pulls me up and off my feet and holds on to me. Which is as surprising as it is…strangely comforting.
Eventually he sets me back down, and Morgan comes in with my mug and remarks that she would have put together something to eat except that they have no real food in here, and Lanz explains that it’s Lent, of course there’s no sugar or fat in the house, and Morgan rolls her eyes and threatens to order Doordash until Callahan points out that it’s too icy for anything to reach campus and…
I stop listening. Like I’m just gradually losing the signal of the broadcast, fading into mental static.
My mom is dead. My mom is dead.
Maybe if I think it enough times, it’ll make sense.
“I’m not sad,” I say out loud. “Shouldn’t I be sad?”
I look up at them—the boys and Morgan. At Kingston, who is standing in the corner, arms folded, fist pressed to his mouth.
He hasn’t said anything since we got back.
“From another member of the dead parent club?” Lanz says, leaning out of the armchair to my right. “I think you should feel however you feel.”
I nod, press my dry lips together. “Yeah.” I breathe out. “It’s just…”
My mom is dead.
No one’s going to come look for me. No one’s going to be mad that I left Renfrew, that I came back to Caliburn.
“I think I actually feel kind of relieved?” My voice is small, thin, and for some reason it’s that, saying that, more than anything, that gets my throat all choked up. A tear squeezes from my eye, and I squint both of them shut, shaking my head. “I’m such a bad person.”
“Gwenna—”
“No, you’re not.”
“No way.”
I open them again, let out a shaky exhale.
“I never did what she wanted,” I mumble.
“She died…she died disappointed in me.” As I say it, I collapse, into whoever’s next to me—Callahan.
Thank God. He reaches an arm around me, easy as breathing, as I sob softly into his chest. Like he’d done it hundreds of times before.
I need this.
The thought flares in my mind, sure and certain, as I blink wet lashes into his sweater.
I need this. All of this. All of…whatever this is.
I can’t make it on my own. In school. In life. In this absurd quest to figure out what I am and what I can do. I cannot keep my head down and power through any longer.
I start to cry harder.
Not because I am sad—really, if I’m honest, I mourned a long time ago the mother I never had—but because for the first time in my life I know exactly what I want and I have someone—multiple someones—who want me to have it.
After God knows how long, I pull back.
“Sorry,” I say, sniffing, looking at the wet patch I left on Callahan. “I got you all…”
“It’s fine,” he says hurriedly. “I have lots of sweaters.”
It’s so earnest a response I almost want to laugh. Christ, I truly am hysterical. I swallow, press a hand to my forehead, try to take a few deep breaths.
“What do you need, babygirl?” Morgan asks gently, reaching to squeeze my knee. “Anything.”
I blink a few times, looking around the room.
Kai’s by the fireplace now, throwing logs in and patting his jacket pockets for a lighter.
Kingston’s moved to leaning against the window seat, staring into the center of the room.
Lanz is coming in from the hallway with another blanket, as if he didn’t register that Callahan already had me covered on that front.
“I think I want to stay here tonight,” I say. “If…if I can.”
“Of course.” They all say it in unison. Morgan snorts.
“Thanks.” I nod.
Everyone sits in silence a moment. Lanz says it first.
“So does that mean you’re…”
“Her mom just died,” Callahan cuts him off. “She doesn’t have to—”
“Cal,” I interrupt, and he stops, chastened. “I think…” I laugh a little. “I mean, why not now? Spare me the awkward conversation at Thanksgiving, or whatever. Mom, meet my four boyfriends.”
Nobody laughs. Except Kai. Morgan looks daggers at him.
“What?” he says from the fireplace. “It was funny.”
“Yeah, you have to laugh at my jokes now,” I say. “My mom is dead.”
My mom is dead. I feel vaguely hysterical, and yet also…exhausted. Depleted.
“Your room is waiting for you.” Kingston, at last. “If you’d still like it.”
I nod. “Okay. Thanks.”
“Or any of ours.” Callahan speaks so soft and quick I almost don’t realize it’s him. “If…if you want.”
My heart thuds a few beats faster. Right. I could. If I wanted to.
Morgan cocks her head. “So how’s that going to work? If I may be so bold,” she adds. “You roll a D4 or something? A schedule?”
“Morgan,” Kai mutters, “Christ.”
“What?” Morgan throws her hands in the air. “Gwenna can make jokes, and I can’t?”
“It was a good joke,” I say quickly. “Sorry. Just processing…a lot. And no. I’ll just…see how I feel, I guess.”
“She can make up her own mind.”
Kingston. He fixes Morgan with a pointed stare. Like he needs to defend my honor against my own best friend.
“Exactly,” I confirm.
And on that note…
I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ll have to figure this out. But for now…
Slowly, consciously, I set my hand on the couch beside me. Just a little test. Just to see.
Callahan covers it with his, and I shiver. But not because I’m cold.