Chapter 2
Chapter Two
LIVIANNA/LILY
Four Months Later
Heavy Corsets & Collapsed Hearts
Every stitch I pull tighter feels like a prayer…but even prayers unravel when whispered in the wrong room.
It’s late here in Paris, but I’m wide awake, on speakerphone with Bren. “How’s Callum doing now that things have settled?”
“He’s still mourning John, and it’s been fucking with his head.”
“God, my heart hurts for him. First his dad, then John.”
“That and he rambles on about losing you and the bab… We’re all worried, but I’m keeping close tabs on his overall state.”
I blink away the pain of what Bren was hinting at and focus on our conversation. “You’re a good friend.”
“It’s not about being a good friend. He’s my bro. It’s about being the person he needs.”
“I know. Is he still upset with you for interfering with him and Leon at the funeral?”
“When isn’t Cash upset when it comes to that? Anytime Leon gets mentioned, Cash goes into a wild trance-like state, determined to take Leon down while protecting everyone and everything around him.”
“Have you figured out what it’s about?”
Bren releases a heavy sigh. “Cash says Leon controls us, and until our contract is done, we’re all stuck.”
“How does Leon have power over you? I understand Callum has let Leon rule his life since you guys signed on with him, but I’ve never seen it affect you, Hawke, or Cooper.”
“It’s the same shit. Greed dressed up in a tailored suit. Leon says he wants to make us legends, but all I see him making is…”
Bren pauses for a moment. “It’s hard to explain, Livianna, but Cash is right. Leon can break us by freezing budgets, burying releases, and starving a tour if he wants.”
I glance around where I’m sitting cross-legged on the floor, surrounded by sketches, torn paper, and fabric swatches. My throat tightens and my heart thrums low and fast. To say I’m overwhelmed is an understatement.
I focus on Bren. “Well, your contract is up soon. Maybe there’s some peace in sight for you guys.”
“Maybe. We need to decide what we’re gonna do first. If Hawke and Cooper wanna stay with Leon’s label, we could have an issue.”
“Do you think they would?”
“I don’t know. It’s possible.”
“They’ve never gone against you or Callum. Why would they now?”
“Money. It’s always about the money, Livianna.”
I consider my situation. At the moment, I’m spending more than I’m bringing in.
“Which is something I understand, Bren.”
“Enough about Mayhem. How’s your business?”
“It’s doing a little better. I’m going to pitch for a slot in one of the big four fashion weeks. I won’t hit the big stage, but I could land something smaller if I keep my nose to the grindstone.”
“So Paris was the answer to all your problems.” He laughs a little. “In all seriousness, I thought you had some contacts there who would help you get back to where you were.”
Jaxon Crowne pops into my head, and for some strange reason my heart aches. “I did, but he left Paris not long after the funeral, so I wasn’t able to get much guidance.”
“Then why stay there?”
“Because I enrolled in a couple of fashion courses I found while trying to get on my contact’s schedule.”
I lift one of my new design sketches as if Bren can see it. “You thought my creations were good before? Just wait until I send you one of my new outfits I have planned for you.”
“I look forward to it. And you know I’ll support you in any way possible. Send me as many as you can and I’ll wear them to every appearance I make. Even Hawke and Cooper said they would help. We’re all set to show them off at our next gig.”
My chest squeezes. “Thanks, Bren. That means a lot.”
“In that case, make a trip out and deliver them in person.”
“I would, but I’m in classes now. Remember?”
“Yeah, I didn’t think you would anyway.”
I ignore the statement, knowing it will only take us back to talking about Callum. We both need to move on, but something always draws us back to each other.
Our relationship is toxic, and there’s no getting around it. My heart sinks a little at that realization, and I turn my focus away.
“Bren, one of these days I’m going to be showcased at a large venue during fashion week. I’ll be one of the main luxury brands. Only mine will stand out because I’ll have a claim on the rocker vibe market.”
“I’m gonna hold you to that.”
“You should. I’m determined.” I stand to stretch my legs.
“And when you’re in that state of mind, nothing could make you quit.”
“This is my dream, Bren. I want a room that doesn’t flinch when I walk in because of everything they’ve read in the gossip magazines.
I want women wearing my war stories loud and proud, and I won’t stop until I succeed.
Just like you made Mayhem happen, I’m going to make Livianna Grace Designs one of the best brands out there. ”
“I know you will.” Bren clears his throat. “I don’t have much time before I need to let you go. We have a gig tonight and a podcast I need to prepare for.”
“It’s weird. I’m getting ready to go to bed and you’re just getting your day started.”
“Yeah, and Hawaii is spectacular this time of year. The whales are just getting here. I wish you could see them splashing around. I’m sitting on the patio of our suite, watching a few of them play. Looks like they have a calf with them.”
“That sounds magical.” I mosey over to the window and peek out at the city lights. Paris’s energy pulses, but inside my place hums with a calmness I’ve come to enjoy. I envision the beach. “I miss the ocean.”
“You can always catch a flight and come to our show tomorrow night.”
“You never give up. Do you?”
“Nope, and neither do you, so…?”
“I’m not going to Hawaii, Bren. You’ll just have to wait until you’re in Paris to see me.”
“Seriously? You won’t come to visit me before then?”
“I can’t. I have to stay focused. On that note, is Mayhem playing in Paris this year?”
“We’ll be there in October.”
“Wow. It’s hard to believe I won’t see you for that long. It’ll be over a year.”
“We just have to FaceTime more until the concert.”
My stomach turns, a quiet ache following. “Yeah.”
“What’s with the dreadful tone, Livianna?” His concern barrels through the line.
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. Cough it up. What’s going on in your head?”
“I don’t want to tell you.”
“Oh, okay. Now you have to. You can’t just drop that and think I’m gonna hang up without getting you to talk.”
“You’re going to be mad.”
“Just tell me, Livianna.”
“Fine, but try to understand before you flip out.” I brace myself for his reaction, my blood flowing faster than before. “I don’t think I’m going to your show when you get here.”
“What? Why? I support you whenever I can. Why wouldn’t you do the same?”
He has a point, but…
“Bren, I’ve made a decision about seeing Callum. I can’t do it anymore. I need some time to let him go. Going to a gig and being around him will only prolong the inevitable.”
“You two will never be through.” There’s a moment of silence, and then Bren forces out a deep breath. “What makes you think this time will be different from any of the other times?”
“I’m in Paris now and won’t be running into you guys when you’re home on a break from touring. This is the first time since I ended things over two years ago that I’ll get time away from him without bumping into him and stirring up old emotions.”
“What’s the longest you two have gone without seeing each other since you broke up?”
“Three months, at most. Do you know how hard it is to move on from someone when they keep showing up in your world, reminding you of everything you ever felt about them?”
“I’m sure it’s not easy, but by October you’ll be fine. That’s plenty of time to get over him.”
“I don’t know. We’ll have to play it by ear.”
“I think that’s enough time for you to move on, like really release the past.”
“Bren, think. Think about how Callum will be if he knows I’m going to be at your show.”
Bren pauses for a second. “Who am I kidding? Cash won’t let you go. Fuck. I hate the situation he put us in.”
“Me too, but it’s always the same story. He calls and texts, saying he loves me and promises me he’ll change and get his life together. Not a day later, I read something about him and some chick getting together.”
My insides burn. “Why won’t he let us both get on with our lives when he obviously wants to be with other women?”
Bren huffs. “That’s not what he wants. He’s just running from his nightmares.”
My defenses go up. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Relax. I wasn’t talking about you, Livianna. He drinks and does drugs to escape the rest of his life. Women throw themselves at us. It’s hard to walk away when your brain is fucked up.”
“So that’s what you say.” I shake my head and roll my eyes. “Being altered isn’t an excuse for crossing a line. I never had a hard time staying faithful.”
“He didn’t either. He was fine—”
“Until Zara. We both know if she got him to cheat when he supposedly hated her, it wouldn’t take much for him to do it again.”
“Livianna, you need to understand something.”
“I do understand, Bren. Callum has issues, and that’s why I’m staying firm in my decision. When you get to Paris, I won’t be at your concert. I love you. I’ll buy all your albums and even the best ticket offered, but I won’t be there. Not in person, anyway.”
There’s a long beat before Bren speaks. “One day you’ll hear me out, and maybe you’ll see things differently. Until then, I’ll respect you and not push.”
“Thank you. It’s time for me to mend my broken pieces, and this is what it’s going to take to do just that.” I wander into the kitchen and stare at the calendar. “It’s been a long time coming.”
“If you say so.”
“I do, and that brings me to the next topic I want to talk to you about.” My voice sings with mischief.
“I can tell by the tone in your voice I’m not gonna approve.”
“Yeah, you probably won’t, but it’s almost Valentine’s Day and my vow this year is to let myself live to the fullest.”
“Oh, Jesus. What are you planning?”
“I talked with Mateo Beckett last week.”
“Why?”
“Remember when I told you I hung out with him on New Year’s Eve last year?”
“Yeah, how could I forget? The shit Cash pulled that night took me months to recover from.”
I bite my lip and stave off the sting of the memory of that night. “I’m sorry I held that against you for a while.”
“Don’t be. I get why you were hurt.” A low growl vibrates through the line. “Tell me about Mateo.”
“I’m only telling you this because I need your advice.”
“Fuck, Liv. This sounds like it’s going in a dangerous direction.”
I laugh to release both trepidation and total elation. “There’s an Elite-Sinsations here in Paris. I asked Mateo if I could check it out. He’s willing to let me look into it for a few weeks to see if I’d purchase a membership.”
“Isn’t that expensive?”
“So you have heard about his clubs?”
“Of course I have. Who hasn’t in our line of work?”
“Is it something you would do?”
“Join? No, I get all the women I want. I’m not about to pay a couple million just for privacy. Besides, my reputation doesn’t require it.”
I shrug even though Bren can’t see me. “True, but what would you do if you were in my shoes?”
He groans. “This is not the conversation I wanna have with you.”
“I don’t have anyone else I trust to talk about this with. I need your advice. Should I go, or is it a bad idea?”
“I’m biased, Livianna. You’re my sister, so I’m gonna say it’s a terrible thought.”
“If I weren’t your sister, what would you think?”
“That it was fucking hot as hell.”
A smile slips from my lips. “Really?”
“Yes, but…”
“What? Just tell me what you’re thinking.”
“You’re a single woman going to a sex club in Paris. You don’t speak French that well, and you’re in a country where you don’t know the laws. What if someone takes advantage of you?”
I frown at my phone, then bring it back to my ear. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was speaking to Dad.”
“He lectures me all the time about shit like that, so maybe I’m starting to sound like him.”
“Look at it this way. It’s a private, rule-bound space. If I go, I go with limits, a safeword, and an exit plan. I want to own my heart again. And there, I’ll be the one in charge of everything that happens.”
The silence stretches. I can sense his judgment through the line.
“Bren, I just want to see what it feels like,” I murmur, quieter now. “To be wanted again on my terms. No emotional leash and no aftermath.”
“You sure you’re not chasing numbness dressed up as power?”
That stops me in my tracks.
I don’t know what Bren means by asking that.
Is that part of my goal?
I don’t know, and his opinion is starting to matter less.
“Bren, I’m just tired of being haunted by things I didn’t choose.”
His voice softens. “I get it.”
I lean back on the couch, soothing the sharp ache behind my ribs. “Besides, maybe it’ll help me design the next line. You know, clothes for women who want to be seen. Clothes that allow them to be sexy, wild, and strong.”
He exhales as if he’s torn between protecting me and letting me fall. “Yeah, but why do it there?”
“Because it’s structured. I want to test my edges where consent is the baseline, not the exception. I want to experience myself without wondering if I’ll ever be free of…him. I want to find myself, who I am without always worrying about what everyone will think if it gets out.”
“And you need a sex club for that?”
“Maybe. I need to walk into a room and not wonder….” I need to feel something only I own. Something that makes me feel real. “It’s not about sex. It’s about the silence around me when I’m alone, and what I’m willing to do to crack it.”
“What? You’re grabbing at straws.”
“It’s hard for me to explain.” I pause, then try to put it in perspective. “You have your music. It’s all yours, and you always say that’s when you feel the most alive. I want that, too.”
“You already have it. You have your business.”
“Do I? Is it out there living, breathing, and making an impact?”
“It will.”
“Until it does…” I want something to fill the void.
“Livianna, it’s your turn to think. Be real and consider what could go wrong. Besides, why do you need to go to a sex club? How are you gonna find what you’re looking for when the only thing anyone who’s there wants is sex?”
Something crashes in the background—glass shattering. That can only mean one thing.
I cringe inside and my stomach bottoms out. “What was that?”
“Um…nothing. Just consider what I said.”
“Is Callum sharing a room with you?”
“Yeah, unless he implodes between now and soundcheck.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “Does that mean he heard our conversation?”
“Given the evil stare I’m getting, I’d say yeah.” Something shifts over the receiver. “Just be careful. That world can devour you and leave you bare.”
“The world I was in already did that. This time, I want to walk in with my eyes open.”
“Don’t make me come save your ass.”
“I don’t want saving. I want sovereignty over myself.” Even if it cuts me to the bone.