Ben - Back to December
Sitting in the airport, I caught sight of her out of the corner of my eye. I blinked hard, wondering if my eyes were betraying me, but that had to be her. 5’2, long black hair, skinny jeans, blue sweater. My heart raced as I pushed out of my seat, but something– someone – slammed me back down.
“What the–”
“That’s not her,” Coleson grumbled.
My eyes narrowed, how did he even know I was talking about Maggie. “What?”
“That’s not her,” he said in a bored tone, not even bothering to look up from his phone, and that pissed me off.
“What? How do you kn–”
“Her hair,” he snapped.
“What?” I felt like a stupid recorder, repeating what , but I couldn't help it. I was out of my depth here.
“She cut her hair.”
My jaw clamped shut and my body went still as questions bombarded in my head. She did? When? Why?
Coleson tracked my thoughts way too well, because he said, “Sometime in the last month that you haven’t spoken to her, you asshole.”
My gut churned angrily. He didn’t understand. I did that for her. If I faced her to explain everything, I’d just crumble and give in to whatever she wanted… and that wasn’t what either of us needed. If I stayed, if we got together, I’d hurt her way worse than if I just let her be. I was sure of it. She needed better than me.
But it still fucking hurt that he knew more about her than I did.
“You feel good about ditching her?” He scoffed and shook his head. “Poor son of bitch.”
“Fuck off.” I felt my temper rising. “I left because that’s what’s best for her.”
He cocked an eyebrow, giving me a cut-the-shit look. “Best for her? Or best for you?”
“For her,” I forced out, chest feeling heavy.
“Keep telling yourself that, moron.”
I swallowed hard. “Really? Name calling?”
“Look, you left because you think that’s what’s best for you. You’re a selfish prick, just admit it.”
“What’s it to you?” It hurt because he was right on the money. She was stronger than me. She wouldn’t let love overshadow her life. She’d be okay without me. But If I got too attached to her, if I let her fully in and let myself completely love her… I’d be absolutely lost without her. It was in my genes.
“I like her,” he said earnestly.
Running my tongue over my teeth, I readied myself to fight him.
“See! You’re territorial over her, you know I'm right. I like her as a person. She’s a good person. Too good for you.”
“I know!” I shook my head. “But… but…” My mind reeled for an excuse. Because I was fucking scared, okay?
“But what?” he yelled at me.
“Colorado was only a pit stop, that’s all it was ever going to be. You know that, she knew that.”
His gray eyes bore into me. “And this job is more important than her?”
My jaw clicked. I couldn’t lie. No. It wasn’t. But I couldn’t seem to stop arguing. “It’s not that simple. What if I lose my head and lose everything?” I blurted out.
“What’s everything? What’s the point of anything without her? We do this job to protect the ones we love. But right now, you walking away, that’s hurting her more than you’ll ever know.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I was the one who had to do the post-interviews, jackass. I was the one there for her when she was trying to see your sorry ass in the hospital. I was there at the trial with her. Pretty sure she only braved showing up because she was hoping to catch a glimpse of your stupid self, and her heart fucking broke because you didn’t bother to show the fuck up for her. I saw it all over her face. She loves you, man.” He swallowed hard. “Lov ed ,” he corrected.
That felt like a knife to the heart.
“You think you’re protecting her, you think you’re protecting you, but you are the one hurting both of you.” He threw his arms up in frustration.
Fuck. I rubbed my forehead.
“We will begin boarding now for flight DL1492 to Washington, D.C.,” the flight attendant announced.
I was supposed to be standing to get on the plane, but I felt rooted to the seat.
I watched as pretty much the entire plane boarded. Coleson sat patiently beside me.
“Are we going, or what?” Coleson asked.
I shook my head, feeling scared as hell. “I can’t.”
“Fucking finally,” he breathed out.
_______
I watched for her in the snowy December night for what felt like forty-five minutes before I finally caught sight of her walking under the streetlights carrying cardboard covered canvas,
Her hair was chopped in a blunt, edgy way just above her shoulders, making her look a little younger, cute. Her oversized shirt stuck out from her puffer coat. On closer inspection, she was wearing a Henley. My Henley. And my chest cracked wide open. She fumbled with her keys, completely oblivious of anyone around her, and that’s when I finally made myself move.
“Still not aware of your surroundings, eh Jinx?”
She jumped out of her skin at my voice and I immediately wanted to soothe her, but I wasn’t sure if my comfort would be welcomed.
“Oh. Hi.” Her nose was red from the cold and her expression was pained for a second before she schooled her features into a blank face. But God, she still looked cold as shit, and I wanted to pull her into a hug even though I knew I didn’t deserve to.
“Your hair, it’s, uh…”
“Oh, yeah.” Her breath hung in the cold hair. She tucked a strand behind her ear. “The intrusive thoughts kinda intruded.” She chuckled nervously. “They say it’s to let go of trauma. There’s been a lot of that lately.”
I rubbed my jaw to hide my grimace because I hated hearing her say that about trauma. Hated if I caused any of it.
“And it felt good to do. Like a fresh start and all that. And it’s easier, when I get wrapped up in my projects.” She rolled her lips together to stop herself from rambling.
But I missed her ramblings, and I missed watching her get lost in her art. I rubbed my forehead, trying to hide my emotions.
She swallowed hard. “Some of the second grade boys had a lot to say about it. Apparently I look like a boy now,” she joked lamely and her eyes darted away, like she was nervous to read me. “Prolly shouldn’t have taken advice from first hour.” She gave a little shrug. “You’re not saying anything,” she said quietly. “You hate it too, huh?”
“Fuck, no. No, I don’t care about that, I just mean–” I took a step forward and went to reach for her but stopped myself and squeezed my eyes shut. I just sounded like even more of an asshole . I didn’t care? Fuck. I cared. I cared way too much. “I’m just… I’m sorry. About the trauma. I like it. It's edgy. More artsy.” I gave her a small smile. “It suits you, Jinx. You’re beautiful. Always.”
She rolled her eyes and kind of blushed. “Oh, okay, well…” She trailed off and shook her head. She waited for a second.
It was clearly my turn to speak, I just… I couldn't form the words. This conversation was too important and I was freezing up– mentally and physically. She started walking to her door, and that’s when I finally forced myself out of my verbal paralysis.
“Wait–”
Her neck snapped to look at me. Those round green eyes held so much hope that it shook me to my core.
“I am so in love with you, Maggie.” My voice came out hoarse, but it felt like a weight lifted off me with that confession, and now that it was out, the rest flew out of me. “I lost my head about it. The way I feel about you, I’ll be honest, it scares the absolute shit out of me. Because I want you so bad. I want to be with you, and get coffee with you, and walk Gigi with you, and support you at all your school games and events. And I still want you to teach me to paint, if…” her green eyes widened, “if the deal still stands? I know I completely went off the map and it wasn’t right to you. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I’ve had my head up my ass, but if you give me a chance, I’ll make it up to you. Please give me one more shot.”
“Thank God.” She dropped her canvas and bolted to me, but with about three feet left, she slipped on a patch of black ice and went flailing.
I dove to catch her right before she face-planted the cement and released a hiss of pain from my shoulder– where I was shot and still trying to rehab– and then we were both down on the wet, cold cement.
Laying in a heap of twisted limbs, both of us couldn't stop laughing.
“You’re so jinxed, baby,” I said, kissing her head, feeling so incredibly thankful she was giving me another shot.
“Maybe.” She sniffled and reached up to trace my jaw. “But I hit the jackpot with you,” she said with tears shining in her eyes. “You promise you’ll talk to me the next time you’re scared?”
My heart beat faster as her use of next time. “Yes, always,” I vowed.
Tears streamed down her face. “Good,” she hiccuped, “because I really missed you.”
I immediately crushed my lips to hers and ran my hand through her hair. “I missed you too, baby.”
Pulling back, she added, “And you won’t lose yourself just because–”
Shaking my head, I cut her off. “I would. For you, Maggie, I would,” I rasped. “But it’d be worth it. To get to love you. To be loved by you.” I tucked her hair behind her ear. “Can I come to school with you tomorrow?”
Her eyebrows flew up in surprise. “You miss the kids?” She grinned. “You are such a softie, Benjamin Capretti. Tomorrow is the last day before Christmas break and they’re all gonna be jacked up on sugar. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind having some extra discipline in the room. I’m sure you can get a guest pass.”
“I do miss them,” I said with a chuckle, “but it sounds like those second grade boys were disrespectful to my girl. Might need to teach them a lesson.”
She laughed and laid her head against chest.
“And while I’m confessing things,” my chest tightened, “remember that night at the country bar?”
She nodded against me.
“I’m so sorry, but I lost my head in there. I was so jealous seeing guys touch you that I threatened the whole fucking bar,” I said with a humorless laugh.
She covered her face in my chest and I couldn't tell if she was laughing or crying.
“Baby, I know. I’m an asshole, please just yell at me or something.”
She finally lifted from my chest and wiped at her eyes, a huge grin on her face. “Coleson already told me,” she blurted out.
I clenched my jaw. Asshole.
She laughed harder. “I took it as a compliment.” She patted my chest then and her face sobered. “I really missed you, Ben.” She hiccupped again. “But you can’t just disappear on me. Ever again.”
“Never, baby. I’ll never leave again. I need you.”
“No–”
“Yes, Maggie. I need you. Because… You’re my light in this world. I think…” I swallowed hard. “I think I finally forgave the world a little, just because you’re in it.”
Tears streamed down her face.
“And we’ll get married and make more little lights, as many as you want,” I said, placing my hand on her stomach. “Speaking of little lights…” I looked around. “Where’s Gigi? You’re not dehydrating her, are you?” I was worried about the little rat.
“Oh!” She sniffled up her tears and her face brightened with a smile. “No, she’s being watched. She’ll want to see you so bad! She’s going to be so excited.”
“Watched?” I brushed her hair back. “By who?”
She rolled her lips together, looking caught.
“Maggie…?” I asked suspiciously.
“Benny…” she copied my tone.
“Spill it, Jinx.”
“Okay, so this might come as a little surprise to you…”