Camden
My head is going to explode. Holy fuck.
I sit up slowly, a low groan falling from my throat that I barely recognize. I turn to my left to see Kingston passed out next to me, drooling on my pillow, and I smile.
It’s brief, but it’s a smile. God, he’s so fucking beautiful.
And he stayed with me. I don’t know how I got back here, but I’m assuming it was my best friend. I climb out of bed as carefully as I can, so I don’t wake him and also so I don’t throw up everywhere. Then I stumble out into the hall.
I’m still in my clothes from yesterday, except my shoes were removed.
When I get into the kitchen to search for some pain relievers, I see my mom sitting at the kitchen table. Her eyes are red and puffy, like she’s been crying all night and not sleeping. “Mom?”
She looks up at me, and I must look like shit, too, because her eyes widen. “Oh, honey. Are you okay?”
No. I’m really not. I’m angry and sad. And so damn disappointed, but I can’t say any of those things. I don’t know why I can’t. I wish I could. I wish I could beg her to be my mom, instead of me having to take care of her. But I don’t want to hurt her. “I’m fine.”
“Sit down, okay?” She gestures to the chair across from her, and I take it without argument. She reaches out for my hand, and I give it to her. “I’m so sorry, Camden.”
Everything in me screams to make her feel better. I don’t know why. I’m so mad at her, it hurts, but I don’t want her to be upset. “It’s okay. I’m sure you didn’t mean for this to happen.”
She shakes her head slowly. “No. I didn’t. Not at all. But this is my problem, not yours.”
I want to scream. To tell her that her problems are my problems. They’ve always been. But I just stay stoic.
“A couple of months ago, I ran into an old friend.” Her eyes catch mine, and I see her sadness before she continues. “I know we don’t talk about your dad much, but we were so young when I got pregnant. We were high-school sweethearts.”
I nod because I know that part of the story. He was the star football player, and she was the cheerleader who got knocked up.
“When I got pregnant, our parents demanded we get married. So we did. He didn’t want babies. He had a full scholarship to college but had to get a job instead to support us. He was so angry. So bitter.”
“What does this have to do with the new baby?” I ask rudely, but my head is pounding, and I feel like I could be sick to my stomach at any moment. I know this part of the story.
“Your dad and I had this friend, Phillip. He was a great friend. Super smart. Sweet. Always there. When I got pregnant, he told me he was in love with me. That he would marry me and raise you.”
“What?” This is not part of the story I know.
“I wanted to do it. I loved him too,” she sobs, and I stare at her in horror. “But I couldn’t. It wasn’t his baby, and it wasn’t his responsibility. I cared about your dad.”
“But you loved this Phillip?”
She nods, swiping at tears that keep falling. “I did. But I told him I didn’t. That he should go. So he did. He went on to college and then started some big company in Dallas. He does really well.”
“What does this have to do with anything?” I’m trying to follow, but my brain is mush.
“Phillip came back a couple of months ago. He came into the tavern, and it just sort of happened. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but I hadn’t seen him since he left, and he’s still so damn sweet.”
“Phillip is the father?”
She nods. “Yes.”
“I don’t get it, Mom. If he’s so nice and good, and hell, you loved him once, why won’t you tell him about the baby?”
I’m pissed off now. Why would she rather burden me than him?
“I . . .” she stutters. “I was scared. His life is perfect now, and I just . . .” She sobs quietly. “I just ruin lives. I ruined your father’s.” More tears fall as she looks at me. “I ruined yours.”
“No.” I pull away from her and stand up from the table, wobbly on my feet and fighting nausea. “You haven’t yet, Mom. But you will if you won’t tell him.”
There are my balls. Thank. Fuck.
“I can’t keep taking care of you. I’m a kid.” I point to my chest, years of anger and resentment coming to the surface. “I want to go to school. I need this. I’m begging you to tell him. Have him take care of his kid.”
I hate how weak I sound, but I’m desperate.
“I will.” She nods her head, determined and seemingly making up her mind.
“I’m calling him today. I’m going to finally be the mom you deserve.
I’m so sorry, sweetie.” She stands up and brushes her hand over my cheek.
“So sorry. I know I haven’t been fair to you and that I’ve leaned on you like we were some sort of team we never should have been. I’m so sorry.”
I can feel her guilt, but instead of trying to fix it, I decide to let her sit with it for a moment. “I want to go to college.”
“And you are. I won’t have you staying here.”
“But I need to know you and Lucy and this new baby will be okay.” Because I do need that. I know that about myself, no matter how angry I am with her.
“I promise. I’ll call Phillip. I don’t want to be a kept woman or anything, but at least he can help financially.”
I nod my head once, hating that I’m not sure I believe her. “Maybe you guys will get your second chance.”
She smiles but waves that thought away. “I don’t think so. He’s all fancy and sophisticated. I work in a distribution plant and at a tavern.”
“Don’t sell yourself short, Mom. You’re smart. You just never had a chance to follow your dreams. Maybe this will give you that chance.”
She pulls me into a tight hug, and after a moment, I hug her back. “I love you. So much.”
“I know you do.” And I do. She stayed. She may have made some shitty choices, and she may have made some mistakes when she got lonely, but she does love me and Lucy.
“He does too, you know?”
I pull back to look into her eyes. “Who?”
She gives me a small smile. “Kingston. He yelled at me last night.”
“What?” I don’t know how I feel about that. Normally, I’m pretty protective of my mom, but he yelled at her for me?
“He did. And I needed it. Badly. He said everything I needed to hear, and he loves you so much, sweetie. How are you going to leave him behind?”
My chest clenches tightly at the thought because, out of everyone and everything I’m leaving behind, it’s him who’ll be the hardest. And he’s always loved me. Just not like that. “I love him too.”
She brushes my hair with her fingers and smiles. “I know, honey.” And the way she’s looking at me, it’s like she may actually know. Like know, know.
“What?”
She hugs me again. “I think I’ve always known. But you don’t have to tell me, not until you’re ready.”
I pull back again, my eyes widening. “I’m gay.” I say the words. They just fall from my lips, but she doesn’t look disgusted or scared or anything I was afraid she would. She just gives me a watery smile and nods her head.
“And you’re in love with Kingston.”
“He doesn’t love me that way.” It’s painful to say it and weird that she probably knew all along. She never said anything.
“I’m not so sure about that, honey.” I stare at her, my system in shock.
“What?”
She just pats my shoulder and kisses my forehead. “I love you. And I think you’ll figure it all out. Thankfully, you’re going to have time to do that. You’re going to college, and you’re going to be like every kid your age for the first time in a long time.”
Now, I do believe her. I can see the remorse and the guilt. “Thank you, Mom.”
She shakes her head and sniffs, fighting more tears. “No, Camden. Thank you.”
She kisses my head again and then goes off into her bedroom, hopefully to get some rest.
I grab some pain relievers, swallowing them down with some water and then get back into bed with Kingston.
I feel his warm body against mine, and for a moment, I let myself believe my mom. Believe that he loves me just like I love him.
But then dread and confusion take over because even if he did, it wouldn’t matter. Not now.
Because I’m leaving. And he’s staying.