Oakley
“This is the fucking life,” I say, kicking back in my chair by the firepit and wrapping my arm around Travis’s waist as he sits on my lap. It’s still cool out, being late March, but it’s not bad with the fire going and our hoodies on.
There are a few other guys here from work, and Jameson and Garrison are sitting next to us in their own chairs. I lean in and kiss Travis because I fucking want to and because I can, and he kisses me back.
Of course, our friends have to ruin it and groan, Garrison being the loudest. “Jesus, fuck. We don’t want to see that.”
I turn to glare at my best friend. “Like I haven’t seen you trying to suck Jameson’s face off several times over the last couple of years.”
He grins and then raises his middle finger in the air. “Yeah well, you barged your way into that every time. We didn’t ask for it.”
“You so did.” I leave one quick smack on Travis’s lips before settling back into the chair and taking him with me. “By inviting us to this party, you invited the face-sucking.”
“You’re such a fucker,” Jameson says, but he’s smiling.
“Sometimes.” I take a sip of beer. “Sometimes I’m the fucked. I like that too.”
I swear beer comes out of Garrison’s nose, and Travis snorts a laugh. Garrison looks horrified. “I didn’t need to know that.”
I just shrug, totally unbothered. I like bottoming as much as I like topping. Who knew? But I can’t get enough of either.
“So you guys have a serious side hustle now?” Jameson asks, changing the subject to one I also really like.
“Hell yeah, we do.” Mrs. Culbertson told the whole damn town about her firepit, and we already have six more on the books. I checked with our boss at the landscaping place to make sure it was okay, and he said as long as it’s on my time, he’s totally cool with it.
He also said he’ll be happy to spread the word around, which is pretty damn awesome, if you ask me.
“You guys want in on this?” I ask them, and of course they share a look with each other first before giving a firm nod.
Garrison answers for them. “It’d be nice to get a little extra work in on the weekends. Something to do.”
“I’ll add you to the payroll,” Travis says, and I have to say, I really love that he’s so organized and has fallen into that role. I have no idea what I’d do without him.
But when his phone vibrates in his pocket and he pulls it out, Ryan’s name flashes a message across the screen, and my entire body tenses. “You still talk to him?” I try to keep any bite out of my tone.
He frowns, unlocking his phone and opening the message, not trying to hide it from me. “I haven’t talked to him since the day after Christmas. I guess he sent me a message on Christmas, but I was a little busy.”
He grins at me and kisses my lips quickly, which of course, makes me smile at the reminder. Garrison and Jameson both fake gag, and it’s our turn to flip them off.
We both look at the message from Ryan, which instantly sours my mood.
Ryan: I’ve thought about this message so many times and finally made myself write it. I like you a lot, Travis. But I can’t keep waiting around to meet you. You either want to meet me for a date, or you don’t. But I deserve a real answer this time. No more waiting.
“Jesus. He sounds desperate,” I say, unable to hide the annoyance in my tone.
He shows Jameson the message, and of course, Garrison looks too and lets out a low whistle. “Yeah, he really does.”
“What are you going to do?” Jameson asks, and my entire body locks up tight. I stretch my legs out a little, just to do something with them. Nerves thunder in my chest as I wait for him to answer.
I have no say here. I know that.
Still, he looks over his shoulder at me. “Ummm . . .”
This is his dream guy. The guy in college.
The one who wants the same things he does.
To travel the world and live in a big city.
My heart rate picks up every time I hear a damn siren, and it’s very rare around here.
I’m used to the quiet of the country, not the city.
There’s no way I should make it hard for him.
“That’s what you wanted, right? A college boy.”
I can feel Garrison and Jameson’s tension, but I ignore it, focusing only on Travis. “Uh . . . yeah. I mean . . .”
“You should go,” I say quickly because I know he just wants to let me down easy. I can’t guilt him into telling that guy to fuck off, no matter how much I may want to. I force a smile. “You have to see. You can’t go your whole life wondering about him.”
He looks into my eyes, and I see Garrison fidgeting nervously in his seat out of my peripheral vision. “You wouldn’t care?”
Yes. Yes I fucking would. It’s killing me to think about him going out on a date with anyone else. “Of course not. Why would I?” I say it quickly, and I think my voice sounds weird. Higher maybe? I don’t know.
“Are you sure about that?” Garrison asks, and I turn to look at him, surprised he’s asking me that. He usually minds his own business, for the most part.
“Of course,” I say it a little more firmly, getting my voice to cooperate. “It sounds like this is his last chance.” I turn to look at Travis. “You don’t want to miss that, do you?”
Please say yes. Please say you don’t want that college pretty boy.
Something crosses over his expression I can’t read, and I can’t tell if he’s annoyed with me or not. But then he climbs off my lap—leaving me feeling cold and lonely—and looks at his phone. “Yeah. You’re right. Can’t keep him waiting forever.”
Now his voice sounds strange. Strained. Distant.
He does something on his phone—I’m assuming messaging Ryan back—and then puts it into his pocket. “I’m a little tired. I think I’m going to go home.”
Home. As in his place. Not mine.
“What? We just got here,” I say, fear creeping up my chest and into my throat. Is this it? Is he just done with me now?
He shrugs, smiling, but it looks forced. “Yeah. I’m tired. Long week. I’m gonna head home.”
“I can give you a ride,” I say and sound desperate even to my own ears, but I don’t care. I don’t want the last time I kissed him to be our last time.
Even though I know he’s going out with Ryan, and he’ll probably fall for him instantly and never want me again, I still can’t stop myself from standing up and hoping he’ll give me one more night.
“Nah, that’s okay.” He turns to look at Jameson and Garrison. “Sorry I have to leave early. I’ll talk to you later.”
Jameson is definitely concerned, but he doesn’t argue. “I’ll come over tomorrow. We can hang out.”
Jealousy tears through me at them making plans because I don’t think he wants to make any with me. He’s trying to escape. To get away from me and move on to his dream.
“I can take you home,” I try again.
“No. Thank you.” Yeah, that’s not his real smile. It’s fake as hell, and I hate it. “See ya.”
I don’t want this. I know it’s selfish, but I don’t want him to walk away. But I know I need to let him.
He leaves without another word, and I settle back into the chair, dejected and feeling a sickening tightness in my chest.
“You’re a fucking idiot,” Garrison says, and I turn my head to glare at him.
“What?”
He shakes his head sadly as Jameson scolds him, but I’m too upset and icky feeling to give a damn what he thinks.
I made the right decision. I know that. I can’t hold him back from what he’s wanted his whole life.
But it isn’t a great feeling.
In fact, it’s a really sucky feeling.