CHAPTER 24
“C ome in,” Raleigh said after opening the door.
There hadn’t been a hello or an actual greeting, just those two words. Hollis wasn’t sure what to make of that, but she tiredly walked inside Raleigh’s house.
The past week had been a difficult one. So much so that she’d nearly texted Raleigh to say that they would have to do this another night. Hollis wasn’t sure she could take another disappointment. She definitely couldn’t take any more Raleigh-related confusion. The woman had been hot and cold with her and then hot again and cold some more on their first date. Now, she was looking hot. Raleigh was wearing a pair of jeans that were so faded, they almost looked like white pants with tiny streaks of denim sewn into them. Her T-shirt was an old band shirt in gray, with a drum set on the front above the band’s name.
“I don’t recognize them,” Hollis said as a way to break the ice after Raleigh closed the door behind her.
“Huh?”
“The band on your shirt.”
“Oh. You wouldn’t. They were local about fifteen years ago and broke up about fourteen years ago.”
“So, they were a band for one whole year?”
“We started it my junior year of college. We broke up when two of the four of us graduated.”
“We? Us?” Hollis asked as Raleigh walked them into the kitchen.
“I was in a band in college, yes,” Raleigh replied. “Briefly. And we had more issues than original songs.”
“I’m sorry… You were in a band?”
“I was. I played the drums. All-girl band.”
“Wait… You played the drums?” Hollis asked, shaking her head, trying to make sense of all this.
“I did. And I still have them in the garage, but they’re packed up,” Raleigh replied and went to the counter, where she had a bottle of wine breathing. She poured two glasses without asking Hollis if she even wanted one and added, “I haven’t played much since college, but I can’t ever seem to let them go whenever I move. Once I had Eden, though, I’d planned to unpack them when she hit five or six to see if she wanted to give them a try. Of course, to do that, I would have to soundproof the garage because I wouldn’t wish that sound on any of my poor neighbors.”
“I didn’t know that,” Hollis said, taking the glass of red wine from Raleigh, who was now standing in front of her.
“I know,” Raleigh replied. “And there’s a lot more I’d like you to know about me.”
“So, is that what tonight is supposed to be about?”
“A do over, I hope,” Raleigh said, taking a sip of her wine. “I messed up, Hollis. I haven’t stopped thinking about it all week. And that should bother me because it means I’m not thinking about other things, but I realized today that I don’t feel guilty about it.”
“You’ve been thinking about me?”
“With everything going wrong in my life right now, you are the one thing that’s been going right. Until I messed it up, that is.”
Hollis looked down when she felt Raleigh’s soft hand take her own free one.
“I’m sorry. I overreacted. You asking me to talk about something other than Eden wasn’t something I expected. I should have, but I didn’t, so it threw me off, and I didn’t know how to react. It was like a punch to the gut that you , of all people, would ask me to talk about something else because you’ve always been so great about this whole thing. But it was wrong of me to expect that, on our first date, we’d only talk about these things that have happened to us instead of the fact that I was in an all-girl band in college that ended because our lead guitarist broke up with the bassist, and it was one of those awful breakups where people throw things at one another. ”
Hollis met Raleigh’s eyes and said, “It’s not that I think we should never talk about this stuff…”
“I know. It was a bad initial reaction on my part, and I am very, very sorry for it. The thought that I’ve screwed this up permanently has been the predominant one in my mind all week. Even when I was working, losing more clients, or checking on Eden’s website, you were in my mind, Hollis. And I think that means something.”
“What?”
“That this could be something, and I’d be so stupid to ruin it. Can I maybe have a second chance at that first date?”
Hollis wasn’t sure what to believe anymore, and she’d never been the person to state her true feelings out loud. Growing up with a father who didn’t exactly open up to her or encourage her to do the same meant that she’d gotten used to pushing her feelings down. Just telling Raleigh that she liked her had been a major achievement. For a minute there, Hollis had thought she deserved a badge for it, but then, things had gone so badly that night, that she’d planned on giving any badge she had earned back to whomever was responsible for giving them out.
“Raleigh, I’m scared,” she decided to say honestly. “I took you at your word the first time when you said you couldn’t. Then, you said yes, and we went out, but that didn’t go well. Now, you’re saying you want this? I don’t know what to believe, and that scares me. What if I put myself out there again, and you change your mind again?”
“I won’t,” Raleigh replied. “I can’t guarantee that this will work or be forever, Hollis, but I know how I feel when I’m with you. This week, I also found out what it was like without you, and you know what I missed the most?”
“What?”
Raleigh placed her wineglass back on the counter and did the same with Hollis’s before she placed both of her hands around Hollis’s waist.
“Laughing with you. Despite everything, we always seem to laugh together. I’ve missed your laughter this week. ”
“Laughter also comes with friendship, Raleigh. You don’t have to date me to hear me laugh.”
“No, but my hands are on the small of your back right now, and I’m rubbing your soft skin up and down. It feels amazing, and I don’t do this with my friends.”
Hollis realized that Raleigh’s hands were on the small of her back, sliding up and down her bare skin there, under her shirt. Raleigh leaned in and pressed her forehead to Hollis’s.
“I’ll apologize for that night as many times as you need me to, and I’ll tell you over and over that I want this, if you need to keep hearing it, but I don’t want to live my life in this dark routine anymore. And I don’t just want a friend to help me through it, Hollis. I want you.”
Hollis swallowed and said, “Then, we should go out on another date.”
“What are we doing right now?” Raleigh asked.
“I think this is the conversation before the date,” Hollis replied, wrapping her arms around Raleigh’s neck.
“But there’s wine… I can also make us some popcorn, and there can be a movie,” Raleigh said, moving just an inch closer. “And there can be kissing, if you’re interested at all in that.”
Hollis smiled and said, “That is tempting.”
“Only tempting ? I’ve lost my touch, then, since I was in Disgruntled Dolls . I used to get phone numbers left and right,” Raleigh teased.
Hollis pulled back and asked, “You did, didn’t you?”
Raleigh nodded and said, “Drummers get all the girls. You didn’t know that?”
Hollis shook her head seriously and said, “I’m scared, Raleigh.”
“I know, babe,” Raleigh replied. “Just tell me what you need right now.”
“I’m so tired,” Hollis admitted. “Just, like, the most tired I’ve ever been in my entire life.”
Raleigh moved a hand up to Hollis’s cheek and cupped it .
“Sleep?”
“Yes,” Hollis replied. “Not the best date ever, huh?”
“Let’s go to bed early.”
“I can’t. I should get home.”
“I thought there was a night nurse.”
“There is. But it’s her first night.”
“Hollis,” Raleigh began, swiping her thumb tenderly over Hollis’s bottom lip. “Text her and tell her that you’re spending the night elsewhere and that she can call you if there’s an emergency. Then, let’s go to bed.”
Hollis pressed her forehead to Raleigh’s this time and said, “I didn’t bring anything.”
“You can wear my band T-shirt to sleep in, and I can find another shirt for myself.”
Hollis laughed softly and said, “You want me to wear your band shirt? Like a groupie?”
“Well, you’re dating the drummer now,” Raleigh teased. “You are , right?”
“Dating implies more than one date…”
“Then, let’s do that.”
“Okay,” Hollis agreed.
“And you can only sleep in my T-shirt, if you want. I have a shortage of pajama pants. It’s the strangest thing in the world. They all disappeared right before you got here.”
Hollis laughed again and pulled out of Raleigh’s grasp.
“Come on,” Raleigh continued. “I’ll put the wine back in the bottle, and we can go to bed.”
◆◆◆
Hollis couldn’t sleep at first. Raleigh lay there with her head on Hollis’s chest, and it was as if they’d done this a thousand times before. Hollis’s hand played with Raleigh’s hair to soothe her to sleep, but as exhausted as Hollis was, she couldn’t seem to fall asleep herself. Even though her mom had been the one to suggest that they get nurses to help Hollis, Olivia hadn’t liked the first several night nurses the agency had sent over. The first one had no bedside manner. The second one had been late on her very first night and hadn’t offered an explanation. The third one had made her mom wait for over five minutes when she needed to get to the bathroom because she’d taken a call from someone. Hollis could only hope that this nurse would take the job seriously.
The day nurse had been the only winner so far. When Hollis went to work, her mom was only by herself for about an hour before the nurse arrived. The woman also stayed until she got home, so that made Hollis feel a lot better about going to work for eight hours a day. She’d been about to tell Kenna that she either needed to work from home or she’d have to quit because her mother was getting worse and needed her more. Thankfully, Hollis had done research into her mom’s insurance plan, and after several calls where she’d demanded to speak to someone above the idiot who had kept telling her that things weren’t covered, she finally found someone who told her that she could get nurses for a certain number of hours a week covered. That allowed Hollis to cover the rest of the hours herself since she didn’t have to quit her job now.
“Hollis?”
“I thought you were sleeping,” Hollis said softly.
“You’re not,” Raleigh pointed out. “I can feel your heart going crazy. I’d like to take that as a compliment, but I’m not sure it has anything to do with me.”
“I’m sorry,” Hollis replied. “I’m a little tightly wound right now.”
“Do you want to go home?”
“No,” Hollis said quickly. “No, I don’t. I want to be here.”
“But you’re worried about her?”
“Yes, but no. I’m always worried these days, but I’m just thinking too much, and I can’t seem to stop it.”
“Do you want my headphones? You could put your meditation app on.” Raleigh lifted up to look at her.
“I don’t think that’ll work. ”
Raleigh nodded and asked, “How can I help?”
“You already are,” Hollis replied. “Just being here with you helps.”
“But you’re still awake.”
“It’s also only ten,” Hollis noted. “I’m usually still awake at this hour. I try to sleep, can’t, and by midnight, my mom needs to go to the bathroom, so my body is just used to staying up now.”
Raleigh slipped on top of her, surprising Hollis, who placed her hands on Raleigh’s hips more on instinct than actual thought.
“Do you want a massage?”
“A massage?”
“Yes,” Raleigh said, smiling. “I’m out of practice, but I give good massages. If you roll over, I can give you a back massage to help with some of that tension.”
“Well, now I’m jealous of anyone you’ve given a back massage to.”
“There were a lot of girls back when I was in–”
“Oh, my God!” Hollis laughed a lot louder than she expected herself to. “I get it. You were the sexy drummer who all the girls wanted.”
“I love that sound. That’s your whole laugh, isn’t it?”
“What do you mean?” Hollis asked, rubbing up and down across Raleigh’s back under her T-shirt.
“I’ve heard you laugh before, obviously, but usually, it’s still like you’re holding something back. That was it, though: that was your whole, perfect laugh.”
“I guess,” Hollis said, smiling up at her. “I don’t think I’ve laughed like that in a while.”
“I want more of that,” Raleigh told her. “I want to laugh like that with you.”
“Then, I can tell you about how I tried to join my high school band once, and they ended up putting me on the triangle because that was all I could play.”
“What?” Raleigh laughed loudly and sat up, straddling Hollis’s hips fully, making Hollis feel all kinds of things she hadn’t felt in a very long time. “Triangle?”
“It didn’t last long – my dad found out and took me out of it – but yeah, I was on the triangle. I’d tried a few instruments and failed, so no girls tried to pick me up.”
“I would have,” Raleigh replied, moving her hands to Hollis’s stomach under her shirt.
“I was fourteen.”
“And I would’ve been almost fourteen, looking for an older woman.”
“Older, gawky teenager with no rhythm”
“Does the no-rhythm part apply to all things?” Raleigh asked.
Hollis looked down then without thinking. Yeah, she was looking at Raleigh’s hips, which were moving a little against her. It wasn’t an obvious movement, but Hollis had definitely noticed.
“I’ve never had any complaints about my rhythm in other contexts,” she said, swallowing hard.
Raleigh’s eyes were on hers now, and they just stared at each other.
“It’s been a long time,” Raleigh shared.
“For me, too,” Hollis replied.
“We haven’t even kissed yet, you know?” Raleigh noted.
“I know,” Hollis said.
“And I look at you, and I just see all the possibilities, Hollis,” Raleigh added. “I haven’t allowed myself to see any possibilities for–”
“I know,” Hollis repeated, pulling Raleigh’s shirt until Raleigh lifted her arms up over her head, and the shirt fell to the side. “Allow for possibilities tonight?”
Raleigh nodded, and Hollis looked at the bare breasts that were now on display in front of her. She moved her hands just below them and waited. When Raleigh didn’t protest, she moved to cup them and felt their weight in her hands.
Were they really going to do this? Hollis hadn’t come over to talk to Raleigh tonight expecting this. She did a quick mental check, wondering when she’d last shaved her legs. It hadn’t been all that long ago. Her mom had been asleep on the sofa, and Hollis had gone to take a shower, deciding to take a few extra minutes in the hot water. She’d shaved for the first time in forever, worried about all that hair collecting in the drain, and then decided to do something else while she was under the spray. It hadn’t felt nearly as good as when someone else touched her, but it was what her body had needed. Her own hand had been the only one to touch her in so long; she worried she wouldn’t even know what got her there anymore when someone else was involved.
Back in the present moment, Hollis sat up, still holding and massaging Raleigh’s breasts with her hands, and looked up at her. Raleigh’s eyes were closed now, like she was taking it all in, and Hollis just stared at her, marveling at how beautiful this woman was and thinking about how someone could ever let her go. Millie had been an idiot, she decided, just when Raleigh opened her eyes, and they were smiling down at Hollis. Raleigh’s hands then moved to cup Hollis’s cheeks, and she pulled Hollis closer and hovered her lips centimeters away until Hollis moved them the rest of the way to connect their lips. The kiss was slow. It said that this was a first kiss that didn’t have to go anywhere unless they wanted it to. Raleigh’s mouth was warm and moved in time with her own, making Hollis wonder what it would feel like elsewhere on her body.
That was it. Just that thought was enough for Hollis to lower her hands from Raleigh’s breasts and pull her body against her own. The kiss moved faster. Raleigh moaned. Hollis grasped Raleigh’s back and worried she might scratch her because now that this had started, she needed more. Raleigh pulled out of the kiss for a second, which was the last thing Hollis wanted, and Hollis’s shirt ended up next to her on the bed. She had a moment where she genuinely had no idea how it had ended up there, but Raleigh must have just pulled it off.
Then, with a little shove, Hollis was on her back again. Raleigh’s breasts were immediately pressed to her own, and Raleigh kissed her with the passion Hollis hadn’t ever been kissed with before. Within minutes, Raleigh’s lips were on Hollis’s neck, and Hollis’s hands were inside Raleigh’s sleep shorts, over her underwear, cupping and squeezing, trying not to tear them off because she wanted this so much, but she didn’t want to rush through it their first time.
“Are you okay?” Raleigh asked into her ear before she nibbled on the earlobe.
“Yes,” she breathed out.
“You stopped what you were doing,” Raleigh noted. “Do you want to slow down? We don’t have to–”
Hollis hadn’t even realized her hands on Raleigh’s ass had stopped massaging. She moved them out of the shorts and onto Raleigh’s back again.
“No, I want this,” she said. “I kind of can’t believe it’s happening, though.”
Raleigh lifted up to look at her and said, “Too many thoughts in that beautiful head of yours tonight?”
“Yeah.” Hollis chuckled.
“Will you let me try to fix that?”
“You can fix it?”
Raleigh pressed their lips together again, and when her tongue slipped inside, Hollis knew that, indeed, she could fix that because Hollis couldn’t even think of anything other than what Raleigh’s tongue was doing inside her mouth. It stroked and licked, played with Hollis’s tongue, and slipped out to glide against Hollis’s lips, one after the other. When Raleigh moved back to Hollis’s neck, the thoughts nearly snuck in, but then, Raleigh’s hand began massaging Hollis’s breast while playing with her nipple, and they disappeared again. Raleigh lowered her lips to Hollis’s chest, and when they sucked on her other nipple, Hollis’s thoughts were all gone. Raleigh’s mouth was on her nipple. Hollis was watching her suck. Raleigh’s head moved up and down first, and then side to side, and Hollis never wanted anything else ever.
That feeling didn’t last long, though, because the pulse she’d gone a long time without feeling between her legs was all but roaring in her ears now, begging to be addressed by something other than Hollis’s own hand. Raleigh’s hand slid down and inside Hollis’s borrowed pajama pants and inside her underwear.
“Oh, Jesus,” she let out as Raleigh continued to suck on her nipple.
Raleigh didn’t say anything. She just started stroking. It was as if she’d just known that Hollis needed this first one to quiet her worried and tired mind. Hollis, somehow, also knew that this wouldn’t be it; that she could allow herself to come quickly now because it wouldn’t be the last time she’d come tonight, and the next time would be slower. She had no idea how she’d pieced this together, but as her hips rose in time with Raleigh’s strokes, she said Raleigh’s name into the safe space of her bedroom and came hard.