7. It’s Not the Time
~ YILAN ~
After all the tension of the night, Melek’s rejection, and the effort of passing through the Palace in the shadows, it was a blow.
My shoulders slumped. I stopped trying to move quietly and shook my head, unbuttoning my cloak.
“You’re here early,” I said dryly, as if we both didn’t know he wasn’t here for official duties.
“He doesn’t deserve your attendance,” Turo said quietly, his voice low and dark, eyes burning when he turned to face me.
He was in full uniform, which meant he hadn’t slept. But he’d unbuttoned the jacket, letting the sides fall loose. His cravat was completely untied, and the top buttons of his shirt open at his throat.
I used to love seeing him like that—the hint of the man behind the position. After we were betrothed, before I’d taken the mission to infiltrate the Nephilim, I’d told him that I liked this state of casual intimacy and he’d taken to showing up in my rooms every evening like this.
It was the only time we’d ever been physical beyond a brief kiss.
At the time I’d been thrilled to tentatively unbutton his shirt further and touch the skin that even the sun had never seen.
I’d been both nervous and a little giddy when he did the same to me.
And when he’d spoken of what else he would do after we were vowed…
But it was all such child’s play compared to completing the bond with Melek. Yet at the time it had given me hope I would find passion for Turo, because those hints of the man beyond the formalities and uniforms and responsibilities… they made me flutter.
Or, they used to.
Now I just felt desperately uncomfortable.
I dropped my eyes from that bared hollow at his throat and tried to gather my scattered thoughts. “How did you know I was—”
“I’ve never known anyone to draw you from your bed, Yilan. Not even me.”
I wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. Every inch of me screaming with the need to tell him the truth that I was fairly certain he was beginning to suspect.
Turo was fourteen years my senior. He had not come to me, his Queen, without experience. He had not come to me uncertain of himself. He had to be at least questioning why I wouldn’t touch him and yet would spend the entire night in a cell with an enemy.
He deserved better than sitting in my empty quarters, worrying and wondering.
For years he had put his own needs aside and been patient, giving me time to grow accustomed to his kiss, his touch. He’d whispered promises of how it would be, but treated me with the utmost respect and…
And deep down, I think he knew it wasn’t fear that had kept him out of my bed.
“How long have you been here?” I croaked.
“My shift ended at high moon,” he said quietly, his dark eyes seeming even darker as he stared out at me from under his heavy brows, the dark smudges of sleep deprivation shadowing his under-eyes.
His gaze was penetrating, his jaw tight.
My stomach sank. He’d barely missed me last night. In fact, we’d probably almost crossed paths in the halls. Holy shit.
I braced, ready for an argument, for combat. To defend myself.
But instead of accusing, Turo took a step towards me, his expression pained.
“Yilan, what you’re feeling is very natural.”
A jangle of alarm shot through me. Could he sense the bond?
“I have been a soldier for many years. War is ugly, and fighters can be too. I’ve seen men do things…
” He cleared his throat, but his voice grew hoarse.
“I’ve seen good men do terrible things in the rush after battle, or…
or on the eve of war. Ugly things. Dark things.
And the women…” He trailed off again, rolling his shoulders as if his uniform had become too tight.
“But, the Nephilim… that’s just their way.
They don’t rape women out of blind fear, or rage.
There’s no mental break. They take women because it’s the only way they know. ”
I watched him warily.
He kept coming closer, his hands up like he was trying to soothe me.
“It’s natural for an inexperienced woman who is…
forced or-or coerced to find… to want there to be more.
To want it to mean more. It’s natural—especially if he protected you from others—for those events to become confused in your mind and heart.
For you to make them more than they were.
To soothe your fear or shame. But hear me, Yilan, you do not have to do that for him. ”
Oh, shit. No.
I stopped being wary. “Turo… No. That’s not what’s happening here.”
His expression hardened, but he was almost at my toes. I had brought a hand up, shaking my head when he started to reach for me. I knew his heart was good—he thought he was helping. But my head spun.
How to tell him enough to ease his mind, but not so much that I pinned Melek down?
But, just as Turo’s eyes grew sad and he reached for my hands, there was a soft knock on the door.
I slumped with relief and called “Come in!” at the same time that Turo cursed.
My second maid, Nelson, peered around the door, smiling when she saw me already up, though her gaze took in the cloak and her brows rose. “Good morning, Your Majesty. Turner wants to know if you’re ready to dress for the day—but I see that you are?”
“Yes,” I said.
Just as Turo growled, “Not now.”
But I turned on him, a warning in my eyes as I spoke to my maid. “It does seem early, Nelly. Is there a reason for the, er, fresh start?”
Nelly looked confused. “The Jubilee, your Majesty. Now that you’ve returned… we only have a few days. Turner understood that today was the day you would decide the details—”
“Right, right, of course,” I said, waving her off, shaking my head, and assiduously avoiding Turo’s eyes.
The Jubilee was supposed to be for my thirtieth birthday. It was originally when Turo and I planned to return from our honeymoon. A festival in which the entire Kingdom would have celebrated my marriage, their new King, and perhaps even the conception of the heir…
Oh, God.
“You’re right. We have much to do today. Please tell Turner to have a bath brought. We can begin discussing details while I wash.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
She darted away, closing the door, and I was forced to turn back to Turo. But we both knew we wouldn’t be alone for long.
“Yilan—”
“I’m sorry, Turo. I know everything is wrong right now. I do.”
“Then why are you acting like it’s nothing?” he insisted, worry and anger shining from his dark gaze. “It’s obvious to anyone who knows you that something has happened.”
“Something has happened, Turo,” I said as kindly as I could. “Things I could never even begin to have anticipated—and just like you, I’m still finding my feet within them.”
“But—”
“Your advice is valuable, and good . But it is not applicable to this situation—I am not making things right for anyone, I assure you. Yet, I am grateful all the same.”
“Yilan—”
“I need to prepare for my day. There’s a great deal about to happen. And it’s going to be difficult for all of us. Thank you for your patience and time. I’ll endeavor not to… worry you further,” I said with a pointed look at him.
We both knew we had only moments until a battery of servants arrived with that bath, and we were not continuing this conversation in front of them.
Turo stared at me, frowning, his forehead creased and his jaw flexing. But then he dropped his hands to his sides and his eyes went sad.
“Of course,” he said briskly. Then, nodding once, he saluted me and marched for the door.
When I heard it creak then click as he closed it behind him, I dropped my face into my hands. I couldn’t breathe.
The pain had wafted off of him in waves.
And there was no one to blame for that but me.