13. Unwanted Queen
~ YILAN ~
I paced my quarters, cursing myself every time I had to dash tears away, frustrated with this incessant weakness.
I was not a cryer. But since we’d left the Nephilim camp, it seemed like I constantly fought the urge to weep like a child.
I didn’t understand why I had been weakened by this. In the Nephilim war camp I had known what I was facing and had almost lost my life more than once, yet there I’d felt stronger and more sure of Melek than I did here in my own palace.
How was it possible? It was as if I’d crossed the border into my lands and turned into this… puddle.
Was it because the bond was stronger now? Because I had more to lose?
Or was it because he was shutting me out?
I still felt him there, within me. But my sense of him was vague. He’d closed me out of his mind entirely.
Was that what made me feel so fragile? Was he on the verge of severing our bond?
Dear God, even the thought froze my lungs.
The knock on the door made me curse again, sure that it was Turo pursuing me. The man refused to give me space. He was forcing me to continue to hurt him, and I didn’t want to!
Turning on my heel, intending to insist that he leave me for a few hours, I stormed back to the door and yanked it open—only to find Diadre on the other side of the door, her eyes wide and hand raised to knock again.
We stared at each other, then she looked over her shoulder at the guards.
“As you requested, Majesty. I bring news from Jhonas from the front!” she said hurriedly.
“I… yes, thank you. Thank you. Please come in.”
She stepped inside and I closed the door behind her.
Diadre was already making her way to my sideboard, opening it and pulling out two wine glasses.
“I thought I was coming for juicy stories of the Nephilim fighters, but I think perhaps there’s something more important that you need to get off your chest?
” she said quietly as she poured each of us a goblet of wine. I watched her, feeling deflated.
She handed me a goblet and I thanked her. After one sip, I just stared into the deep red liquid.
“Yilan, what’s wrong? You answered that door like you were about to bite something.”
I sighed. “Everything. And nothing,” I said quietly.
Diadre’s brows pinched. “I’m sorry… but please explain?”
I sighed again. “I can’t tell you,” I said, taking a bigger mouthful of the wine. Perhaps I would just sit here and get drunk and refuse to open the door to anyone with a cock.
It wouldn’t solve anything, but at least I’d get peace for a night.
Diadre frowned. “You must be wise with your words, of course,” she said thoughtfully. “But… I think you need to unburden. Is it about the war? About why you don’t want to advance? Do the Nephilim have some power, or some weapon we aren’t aware of—”
“No, no, nothing like that,” I muttered and started towards the verandah, then caught sight of those infernal screens and changed my mind. Instead, I dropped into one of my chairs, hooking one knee over the arm in just the way Diadre and I used to lounge when we were girls.
She grinned and came to join me, sitting on the couch and pulling her legs up so she could sit sideways and face me.
“Tell me what you can,” she said after a sip of the wine. “Clearly, you’re in need of a shoulder. Or… something.”
I took a deep breath and looked at her.
I’d known Diadre since I was thirteen years old. She’d proven her loyalty. I knew I could trust her implicitly .
But perhaps more importantly, Diadre was not bound by tradition. She couldn’t be. A woman born with a man’s interests and skills, and a brother who encouraged them.
She’d given her parents fits when she was younger, but when Jhonas, who was eight years older than both of us, pointed out that the future Queen shared many of Diadre’s interests and skills it apparently convinced them to allow her to train with me.
She was the first female Captain—a rank I was proud to have insisted that she receive as soon as Turo measured her capable. And even though it had worried him, Turo had promoted her without complaint and always been an example of upholding her authority.
Diadre was accustomed to walking off the beaten path. She was confident in both herself, and in me. And she was a vault when it came to secrets.
“If I tell you,” I said carefully, “you can’t even tell Jhonas. And you would have to promise me that you would take no action on it. No matter how… important it might seem. Could you promise me that?”
Her eyes snapped to mine, and her brows rose. “Is the Queen instructing me to keep this conversation sealed?”
She was grinning, but I didn’t return it. I nodded. “I’m serious, Dee, you couldn’t so much as hint. And… it may mean flying in the face of tradition.”
She snorted. “When have you known me to be a stickler for tradition?” she said, gesturing towards her uniform. But then she frowned. “Unless… are you going to kill yourself or someone else?”
I snorted. “No. At least… not on purpose.”
Her brows rose. “I was joking but… never mind. I’m in. Tell me, Yilan. Everything—and this keeping it from Jhonas… does he have any idea? Any inkling of what you’re going to say?”
“No.”
Her smile broadened. “Even better.”
I would have laughed. To Jhonas, Diadre was forever the little sister. To a soldier, they were equally ranked. But he would always remain her superior because he’d been a Captain longer. Jhonas took great delight in reminding her of that.
“I’m serious, Yilan, you can trust me. Speak. Get it off your chest. I will leave this room and never think of it again, if that’s what’s needed. ”
I hesitated, but I did feel like I needed an objective opinion. And perhaps specifically a woman’s eyes on it, as well.
So, I took a deep breath, turned around in the chair to sit with my feet on the ground, and I told her.
All of it.
Start to finish. From the moment Melek strode into the King’s tent and I recognized his soul, to Jannus and Gall, and the Fallen King himself.
Her eyes got wider and wider.
Then I told her about the lake, about Melek’s wings, and my lust for him.
I told her about the Shade, and the King’s maneuverings.
I told her about Gall being left alone to guard me, and the attack from the young Neph. I shivered recounting that, and Diadre looked alarmed. But when I described how Melek returned and hid his true intentions behind their brutal traditions…
“He knew I was his mate before I did,” I murmured.
Diadre choked and almost spat out the mouthful of wine she’d just taken. “What?!”
I nodded, squirming. Yet I warmed with pride as I told her that it was Melek who had recognized the bond and confronted me, forcing me to face it or deny him.
She just gaped.
Then I told her about the King’s manipulations, Gall’s attack on his true father, and how I had finished Gault off.
And then…
I swallowed hard. Diadre hadn’t moved or spoken in a long time. She stared at me with wide eyes, clutching that goblet so hard her knuckles were white.
“Melek made a stupid plan…” I hissed. “He insisted that the only chance for all of us to survive was that he take the blame for Gault’s death and tell them all I escaped and fled with Gall.
And then he would try to convince them all to forgive him for killing Gault in defense of his own life.
But they wouldn’t… I knew they wouldn’t.
Those that truly followed Gault would have descended on him the moment he made the admission.
There would be no time for him to reason with them. ”
Diadre nodded, but her lower jaw was slack.
“So… I drugged him,” I said, grimacing. “I took him forcibly, brought him here, and imprisoned him because I feared his wrath—an d to keep Turo and the others safe until he’d had time to calm down and think. But now…”
“Now he thinks you betrayed him?” she whispered.
I nodded.
“Holy shit, Yilan!”
“I know.”
“He’s your mate?!”
I nodded, smiling a little. “He figured it out first. But as I’ve had time to think, I’ve realized… I was drawn to him from the first. As if I understood something of him. I didn’t question it—I’m used to trusting my instincts. But now… now I know it was the bond. Singing to me.”
Diadre blew out a breath. “And… you’re sure it’s real?”
“Deadly certain,” I said fiercely, but found I couldn’t meet her eyes. I tapped my chest. “He’s here. He’s within me. Though he’s fighting it now.”
“Fighting it?”
“Wavering. I think… I think he’s considering severing our tie and… God, I can’t breathe just thinking about it.”
“But… Yilan, if that’s real… he’s our King!”
I made myself meet her gaze then, fierce and hard. “And that is exactly why I made you promise to say nothing, Diadre. Because he feels I betrayed him. He never wanted a crown. But I’ve told him. I’m giving him time to… think about it.”
“What is there to think about?! He’s appointed by God—”
“I know, but those are not his traditions. He thinks I’m trying to trap him, and he may yet sever the bond. If he does, he is not our King and—”
“He still thinks you betrayed him… by saving his life?”
I wanted to growl. “Yes!”
Diadre shook her head. “Fucking men.”
My heart rose. “I know!”
“Always so fucking sure of their course until you take action, then suddenly you’re the problem.”
“Yes!” I gasped.
“So, now a whole Kingdom waits, with war on the horizon, because the King’s pride is wounded?”
“Well, I think it’s a little more than that, but—”
“Oh shit…”
I went quiet as Diadre locked eyes with me and went still.
“Turo,” she whispered.
I deflated like an emptied bladder.