55. A Sister’s Despair
~ YILAN ~
“Ma’am… Your Majesty?”
I sucked in a breath and lifted my head.
Morning light filtered through the now-fixed screens out on the verandah.
The dark shadow of my King curled around me in the bed.
But when I moved, he grunted and rolled over—and the quilts flailed as he almost fell off the side.
He’d forgotten we were back in my much smaller bed.
I needed to get the servants to change the—
An insistent thump began on the door and a deep voice called through the thick wood. “Your Majesty, it’s urgent. Istral is here and needs you!”
I leaped out of bed with a gasp, as Melek groaned wearily. “Melek, get up! I need to bring Istral in here,” I hissed, reaching for my clothes from the night before—then staring when I realized they were torn down the middle.
A jolt of desire jangled through me and Melek’s head popped up. Our eyes locked and he smiled.
“Your Majesty?”
“Just… just a moment! Just give us a moment please!” I called, running over to the chair to sweep up the crown—we couldn’t let servants see it treated so casually—then racing into my closet to find a robe.
Melek appeared in the doorway behind me, clawing his hand through his tangled hair, then striding over to where I was wrapping myself in the silk robe. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me deeply, sucking in a breath that made his chest expand when our tongues touched.
I broke it quickly though. “Melek, it’s Istral. She doesn’t understand… all of this,” I said, circling a hand to indicate him. “You need to dress.”
He nodded and took another deep breath as he looked around, then frowned. “I don’t have clothes in here.”
Shit.
Thankfully I hadn’t torn his clothes getting them off last night because I was a lady. So he trotted back into the room, pulling on the leathers, hopping on one foot before getting his second leg through and pulling them up over his hips and… the rest of him.
I trotted to the door, waiting until he was buttoned up before opening the door.
My head jerked back in surprise, because it wasn’t just the guards or servants outside. Istral stood a few feet from the door, Gall behind her, glowering at the guards as if they were all assassins. And there were two servants as well, both holding platters of food and steaming cups.
“Good morning… everyone,” I said, blinking.
They all bowed their heads, but Istral’s chin trembled and she pushed through the guards to throw herself into my arms. “Everyone is leaving!” she whimpered in my ear.
I suddenly felt very, very guilty. I’d been so consumed yesterday with the meetings and crowning and Melek, I hadn’t even stopped in to see how Istral was doing.
It was clear by the dark smudges under both her eyes and Gall’s that neither of them had slept much.
“Hey, hey. I’m here. I’m here,” I whispered to her, holding her tightly.
“Come in and let’s sit down together,” I said as gently as I could, urging her to let go so we could move away from all the watchers.
It took a few seconds and when she did finally release me, she kept a hold of my hand.
I had to lean around the bulk of Gall to tip my head at the servants to follow us into the room.
Melek stood just inside the door watching all of this with concern. When I ushered Istral inside, the servants wound around Gall and hurried past, taking the trays out to the verandah.
I was glad to see that there was plenty of food, and a couple of mugs for the men as well. But I wasn’t quite sure how this would work with Gall and Melek there. Usually when Istral and I ate together we were alone so we could speak freely .
Once the servants had laid the table, they bowed to both me and Melek—I caught his eye over their shoulders and smiled—then walked briskly out the door, closing it behind them.
Istral gripped my arm and her chest kept hitching, though there were no tears on her cheeks.
“Come with me, Izzy,” I murmured, taking her hand. Of course, Gall was right at Istral’s back. But Melek caught his arm and murmured something as I drew her out of the room.
Gall looked very disturbed, but Melek leaned into his ear and spoke quietly, his tone gentle but firm.
I sent him a grateful look as we stepped outside and I got Istral settled at our usual table near the railing.
As I took my seat, I wished again that the screens didn’t obscure our view of the gardens, but pushed the thought aside.
I turned to my sister, sliding her mug of hot chocolate closer to her and urging her to take it. She did take a sip, then held it with her hands like she was cold, but her eyes stayed on me.
“Tell me what’s going on?” I asked her quietly.
“Everyone is leaving. Everyone,” she said, her eyes welling again.
“You mean me going away?”
She nodded like a child. “And Gall,” she breathed, and I was reminded all at once about Harris’s suggestion that she and Gall be allowed to cohabitate. My sister looked very young now, and so fragile. How could she be ready for that?
“I’m sorry I was away yesterday, Izzy. I had a very important meeting away from the Palace and—”
“I heard that they crowned Melek,” she said in a flat voice.
I nodded. “And we got to meet some of Gall’s friends as well. We’re all going to travel together, so we’ll be very safe.”
I knew that wasn’t entirely true, but I also knew Istral wouldn’t know the difference. Not that it mattered. Her chin trembled again and her face crumpled.
“How long will you be gone?”
“I’m hoping it will be much shorter than last time,” I said carefully, not wanting to make promises like I did last time that left her so worried for me when I didn’t keep them.
“But how long?”
I sighed. “Izzy, I’m sorry, I don’t know. And I don’t want to be wrong so that you worry if I’m not back in time. All I can tell you is that I’ll be with Melek and Gall and many of the others. They’ll all protect me. ”
“But it’s still dangerous. They are dangerous men, Lani!”
I frowned. “I… what do you mean, they’re dangerous? Has something happened with Gall? Did he hurt you?”
“What?! No!”
I was surprised to see my sister’s tears fade into anger at my suggestion. “Gall would never hurt me!”
“That’s… that’s good. No, no, I agree with you,” I said hurriedly, because my sister suddenly looked fierce. “But you said they were dangerous, I just wanted to make sure—”
“Dangerous to other people. They fight. They are…” she looked carefully back towards my room to make sure Melek and Gall weren’t close enough to hear.
“They’re brutes, Lani. You must have noticed?
They fight quickly, and threaten violence to anyone who would hurt us.
They are truly dangerous. I think they’ve killed people before! ” she hushed, scandalized.
I didn’t quite have the heart to break it to her that I had done that too, so I just nodded and patted her arm.
“But, you see how they only turn that, er, brutish nature against those who are wrong, or dangerous? That means they can be trusted.”
Istral nodded, but she still looked miserable. “I know, but Gall’s going to leave with you and I’ll only have Harris again and… I don’t want to be scared all the time. I’m scared when you’re gone. And when… when Gall is away,” she said with another glance back towards my room.
I blinked. “Istral… you know that the guards here will protect you, and—”
“It’s not the same!” she hissed frantically.
“I know, I know,” I said quickly to soothe her.
She was so rarely aggravated or angry that when it did happen, if her feelings overwhelmed her, it took a long time to calm down.
“I only meant that we have many people who love us and they will take care of you while we’re gone.
And then we’ll all return together. You, me, Melek and Gall…
that will be nice, won’t it? If we can all be together—”
“But we are together now! You’re all leaving but I have to wait. It’s hard, Yilan! It’s hard to stay here when everyone else goes and might not come back!”
For the two years after losing our parents, Istral had panic attacks whenever I left the Palace.
For a time I had to avoid letting her know when I was traveling unless I would be gone for days, taking quick trips and having Harris keep her busy so she didn’t figure out I was away.
But as we’d grown and matured, she’d become a lot calmer.
My last absence had been hard on her. Clearly harder than she’d admitted.
And now she was feeling reliant on Gall, and he was leaving too.
I chewed on my lip, looking back towards the room and Melek.
Did Gall really need to come? But then I remembered Melek’s assurance that Gall was his heir.
Among the Nephilim that was an important rank—and one that would provide a certain amount of protection to Gall.
I was proud that Melek would make certain Gall had that recognition.
I sighed and stroked my sister’s hair. “Istral, I’m sorry this frightens you. I do understand. But this is one of those moments I spoke to you about—do you remember?”
A small pucker appeared between her brows which meant she wasn’t sure. I stroked her hair again.
“Remember when I talked about the difference between scary feelings, and things that are worth being scared for?”
Istral’s knuckles were white on the mug. “Sort of.”
“Well, let’s just think about it… Strength is something that helps us feel safe, right?”
“Yes,” she breathed. “Gall is very strong.”
I nodded. “My Melek is as well. So we trust their strength to protect us. But… but that’s not the only kind of protection we need. We also have to have protected hearts. We have to feel loved. You know that I love you, right?”
“Yes. And I love you. So much.”
“I know. I trust you to keep loving me, no matter what. And I will keep loving you.”
“Yes.”
“So, last time I had to leave, do you remember that we talked about how you could be sure that I loved you, even when I wasn’t close. Even when you didn’t feel strong? And that we could trust the purpose we were given, even when it was hard?”
Istral frowned, nodding slowly, which meant she was telling me what she thought I wanted to hear.
“Izzy,” I said quietly, leaning close, “Even when I’m gone, I love you.
That will never stop. So… we have to trust in God’s plan—this is a hard and scary thing to face.
But it’s going to bring us all to a place of peace where we can be together without fighting for it.
So that makes it worth doing, even when it’s scary.
It’s not just a sc ary feeling to run from.
It’s a mountain to climb. Because the view from the top will be beautiful. ”
My sister lifted her eyes from the steaming cup between her palms to my face. “But Lani… what if you die? If you die, the mountain wasn’t worth it.”
“That’s why you need to pray for us while we’re gone.
Every day. Every time you feel worried, talk to God.
Because even if you don’t know where we are, or what’s happening.
He does. And He’ll listen to you—and He’s strong, Izzy.
So strong. Look what happened last time!
I was in very grave danger, but I remained safe and came home to you.
Let’s pray and ask God to do that again. ”
My sister, ever the obedient, thought I’d meant we pray together, right then, so she nodded and bowed her head and closed her eyes.
“Dear God, I am very scared of Lani and Gall leaving me here while they go away. Please keep her safe. Please keep Gall safe. Please bring them both back very soon. And safe.”
“And Melek, too,” I whispered.
Istral nodded. “And Melek too. Please don’t let them get hurt or sick. And please keep those awful dangerous people away from them. Thank you, God, amen.”
My heart squeezed when Istral took a deep breath, then let it out. “I feel a little bit less scared now.”
“Good. Then you keep doing that while we’re gone—and I’m going to pray for you every day while we’re gone, too.”
“No! Lani, no—not for me. I’m here and safe! Pray for you.”
God, my sister was such a gift. I smiled, blinking back tears because she’d touched my heart. “Of course,” I whispered, leaning in to hug her. “Of course, that’s what I meant.”