14. Insecurities
fourteen
Insecurities
*AZADEH*
S leep doesn’t seem to come to me tonight, which might be because I slept through the entire afternoon, so I decide to get up and walk around the castle for a while. There are still pack members, mainly guards, roaming around. By now, I know that some of the staff live in the castle, and some prefer to live with their families in their own place and just come for work. The royal guards and warriors have their chambers here until they find their mates.
Also, Royan told me that the orphans stay here, too. King Gillean wanted them to have a place where they felt welcome and made sure they could stay close to his family. It’s a beautiful idea, I think. Instead of being shunned and secluded; instead of having more and more baggage added to their trauma, they can stay here in the castle and feel a sense of belonging.
I take my time to discover other areas of the castle. There are some patios with beautiful gardens covered in snow. Unlike the palace in the Everlasting Desert, the gardens aren’t lush and green, but there are wild trees and bushes, stone benches and figurines, beautiful archways and one even has a small frozen pond. It’s there that I can hear two, by now, well-known voices. Kilah sits on one of the benches, her knees pulled up and her chin resting on them, while Endellion leans against a tree next to the bench.
“You are going to catch a cold,” he calls towards her. She doesn’t answer, making him sigh. “Kilah, if you wanted to help,” Endellion says. “Why did you not just ask? Alana would have never rejected your offer.”
“You won’t understand,” Kilah mumbles.
“I won’t understand unless you tell me,” he says.
“It’s just.” She brushes through her hair, and for a moment, she lets go of her stoic facade. Instead, she looks like a normal young woman… less perfect, more vulnerable, but beautiful. “No one is ever going to ask me though, ever. Because I’m the least special and the least likable of us all.”
Endellion blinks at her, clearly confused.
I don’t want to eavesdrop on them, so I decide to step back into the castle when the wind brushes past me. Endellion raises his head, taking a deep breath, before his eyes lock with mine. I smile apologetically, hoping he won’t be mad for having caught me, but he just smiles and gestures towards me to come forward.
“I apologize,” I say quietly. “I couldn’t sleep and just walked by.” I decide to sit down next to Kilah. The moment I’ve taken my place, she lunges at me and throws her arms around my neck. “You aren’t any less special than the others,” I tell her.
“That’s not true,” she sobs. “Alana is the Warrior Princess, and Eibhlin is the one who killed a bear at the age of twelve. Then, there are Endellion, Caelan and Flinn, the super-alphas and miracle triplets, and Nevyn, who has already gotten his wolf.” She sniffs. “I haven’t even gotten my wolf yet.”
“It doesn’t make us special,” Endellion points out. “Just different. Besides, Alana wasn’t born a warrior princess. Dad and Caelan originally hated how she dressed, and that she wanted to become a warrior. It was Mom who put her foot down and told them to accept her the way she is. It was one of Alana’s biggest insecurities.”
Kilah looks at him, shocked. “I didn’t know that.”
“All of us have our insecurities.”
“What’s your insecurity?” Kilah demands to know.
“Being the middle child,” he says promptly. “Calean is stronger and scarier, and Flinn is wittier.”
Kilah stares at him and momentarily forgets about her own worries. “But… you are perfect the way you are.”
“And you are perfect the way you are. You are helping inside the castle the most,” Endellion points out. “You do what Mom did before she went on her travels. That’s important, too.”
“But, I can do more,” she implores.
“They won’t know it unless you offer it to them,” I tell her quietly.
“She is right,” Endellion says. “Alana doesn’t ask you for help directly because she thinks you don’t like her.”
“But that’s not true,” she says. She looks down at her fingers. “What’s your insecurity, Azadeh?” she asks me now. “You are perfect to me. I want to be you.”
“Don’t wish for that,” I say quietly. “Because you have a loving family. And I don’t. Shayan is here with me because my own father doesn’t want me, and Simin is here because my sisters avoid me. My biggest fear is living my life all alone.” To be in a room full of people, and feel lonely. To have people all around, walk by and not notice me. To die lonely.
“You won’t be alone here,” Kilah comforts me. “I am your friend.”
“I’m your friend, too,” Endellion says, his silver eyes gleaming slightly under the moonlight.
Silence engulfs us before Kilah clears her throat. “I didn’t mean to hurt Alana,” she says.
“Maybe you should tell her that,” I try to encourage her. “I’m sure she will hear you out. She will be happy to make up with you.”
“Maybe,” Kilah says quietly.
“No one will magically realize that you want to be included if you don’t give them any clues,” I say. “You have a strong bond with your siblings. I’m sure the moment they get the hint you want to be involved more with them, they will jump on the chance.”
“I can try, I guess,” Kilah says tentatively, while brushing over her face to wipe away her tears. “Goddess,” her eyes widen. “Is it past midnight already? Dad is going to bed anytime, and I bet he forgot his medicine. He twisted his ankle during the fight and conveniently forgets to take any medication.” She jumps up. “Good night,” she tells us, and for a moment it looks like she wants to say more, but then she just hurries away.
“It’s her pride,” Endellion says. “She overcompensates for - what she sees as - her shortcomings with it.”
“You nudged her in the right direction,” I say, smiling when Endellion sits down next to me. “This is a beautiful little garden.”
“It’s my mother’s favorite,” Endellion explains.
“It has to be lonely for your father to be without her,” I say. “I might not understand the mate bond fully, but I imagine it has to be hard to be away from your mate.”
Endellion smiles. “It is, but my mother is a scholar, and these travels are important for her. So, my father accepts it because he loves her.”
“That’s beautiful,” I say. “To have someone love you like that.”
Endellion stays silent for a while. “I don’t have a mate. Neither do Caelan nor Flinn. And when I say we have no mate, I don’t mean that we haven’t found them yet. It means they don’t exist at all.”
I stare at him in surprise. “What? But, I thought all werewolves have a mate.”
“It’s a feeling,” he explains. “That there is something inside you missing, that there is a pull towards someone, although you don’t know who they are. I know that Nevyn and Alana already feel such a pull. Kilah doesn’t yet because her wolf spirit is still dormant, but I’m sure she will feel it, too. But for us triplets… it’s just not there. It doesn’t exist. We knew early on that something was different, and our pack witch confirmed it.”
The pack witch. It’s the second time I hear about her, but I haven’t met her yet. “But how is it possible?” I whisper.
“We don’t know.” A hint of sadness crosses his beautiful features. “Maybe it’s a curse.”
“You aren’t cursed, Endellion,” I say softly.
“How do you know?”
I shrug. “I just know. It’s a feeling,” I say. “There is a fate for you. You just can’t see it yet.”
“Is this your gift?” he asks me.
“It’s part of it,” I explain. “It’s just a sixth sense I have. And… I can protect people if my emotions are in the right place. But, I can’t quite grasp it either. I don’t know much about what I can do.”
“Are you the only prince or princess with said gift?”
“Only females are born with it,” I say. “And no, I have another sister with the gift, albeit it’s said to be weaker in her. She grew up secluded, too, but then married one of my father’s ministers. She is a very cute girl, and he took a liking to her. She isn’t like me…” I pause. “Something about me creeped my family and our people out more.”
There is a hint of anger flashing in his eyes. “That’s why they locked you in.”
“They feared me.”
“It’s their loss,” he says before turning to look at me. “Is this true? What you said about how families aren’t close in the Desert. That it’s just not that important?”
There is something about him that makes it impossible for me to lie to him. “No,” I admit. “It just goes for my family.”
“There is no need to pretend, Aza,” he says softly. “You are here now, and none of us are scared of you. In fact, you have enlightened our dull lives ever since you came to our lands.”
“What if it’s me that the woman in white is after?” I ask, noting his surprise. “Royan and the others didn’t believe me, but I know what I saw.”
“I believe you,” he says earnestly. “Because I can see things too.”
His words surprise me, to say the least.
“A few days before you arrived, one of our northern villages was attacked. We went there and helped the remaining survivors, and while we rode back, a blizzard chased us. I know there was something in there… something vicious that kept snarling and growling at us.” He pauses. “I’ve seen these monsters all my life.”
My heartbeat picks up at his words. He doesn’t think I’m crazy, in fact, he shares my fate. At least part of it. And although he sees these monsters, as he calls them, no one in his family shuns him or secludes him.
“I’m sure the woman in white didn’t appear because of you. She was always there, but maybe she wanted to stop you from entering our lands.”
“But why?”
“Maybe we set our fates into motion,” he muses. “You being here means change. It means your fate and our fates are colliding.”
“Isn’t that scary for you?” I ask.
“Not at all,” he smiles. “I think the goddess sent you to us, and I’m glad that she did.” He gets up, reaching out his hand to me. “Come, I can show you around. The night sky is clear, and the moon shines brightly. There is a place you need to see.”
I nod, taking his hand and allowing him to pull me along. We silently walk through the castle to one of the back doors.
“Where are you going?” Flinn suddenly pops up next to us.
“I’m showing Azadeh our pack’s symbol,” Endellion whispers. “Don’t be so loud, Flinn.”
“Oh, I will grab some wine and come along,” he grins. “And Caelan can’t sleep, either. I saw him running a few laps through the building.”
“How come we are all awake?” I chuckle.
“Must be fate,” Flinn grins.
“We’ll wait for you outside,” Endellion promises. “Just pick up Caelan and some wine, and meet us there.”
Flinn runs off, while Endellion and I step outside. It’s freezing cold, and I’m glad I’m wearing my thick coat. It doesn’t take long for Caelan and Flinn to approach us. Flinn basically appears out of nowhere and grabs my hands to twirl me around, until my head starts spinning too. I laugh when Endellion catches me and stops me from dropping to the ground.
“And you are not wearing a scarf again!” Caelan groans and hands me one. “You and Alana are both too careless when outside.”
“The big bro grizzly strikes again,” Flinn teases, laughing when Caelan growls at him.
They both take off towards the huge backyard of the castle. I haven’t been there yet. Until now, I only saw the enormous castle and the parts of the town I saw when visiting Ita’s parents. Behind the castle, there is supposed to be a beautiful park. Endellion offers me his arm again, and we follow his two brothers. I’m not sure what I expected, but when we reach our destination, I gasp in shock. I let go of Endellion’s arm and hurry forward, only stopping when the landscape spreads in front of me. It’s a huge lake covered in thick ice and illuminated by the moon shining above it. Behind it there is a forest, dark and mysterious in the moonlight. But, the lake… it’s ethereal, sparkling in silver and blue.
“It’s turquoise during the day,” Caelan explains to me.
“And this”—Endellion gestures towards a tree to our left— “is the World Tree,” he says. “Some call it the Earth Tree. Our people think it’s where the Moon Goddess’s power manifested itself.”
I look at said tree in awe. It’s silver-grey, and despite there not being a single leaf on it, it looks mystical.
“It’s dried up by now,” Flinn explains. “It hasn’t been blooming in centuries.”
“It’s full of legends and myths,” Caelan says.
I take a step closer, carefully resting my palm against the tree trunk, expecting it to be cold like the outside, but it isn’t. It feels warm, almost like life is pulsating through it.
“Come, Aza,” Flinn pulls me out of my thoughts. He waves with the bottle. “Let’s have some wine.”
I turn around, noticing how Caelan spreads a thick blanket on the ground and holds out an additional one for me. “You will get sick otherwise.”
“Are you always doting on everyone?” I ask him curiously.
Flinn chuckles. “He is, but he pretends he is all angry and grumpy.”
When Caelan glares at his brother, Endellion elbows him slightly. “Just ignore him,” he chuckles. “You always fall for his traps.”
“Don’t be such a spoilsport,” Flinn complains, but can’t help the grin spreading across his face. We all settle on the blanket, while I wrap myself in the additional one Caelan handed me, and gratefully accept a glass of wine.
Flinn hands his brothers each one too, and then fills his own glass. He raises his up towards us. “To our new friend, Aza.”
“To our new sister,” Caelan adds.
Endellion smiles at me. “To fate.”