Chapter 10
Four Years Ago
My Dearest Mr. ólason,
Long are the days since I have seen your face.
My letter, perhaps lifeless, but also the ninetieth or ninety-second of its kind, began.
Your ruleless curls; are they still as yellow as the sun?
I pray you are well, that you have found a place in this world, and that you do not hate me too furtively.
But... in honesty, my faith grows weary with the day.
I feel myself begin to accept Ser Elías’ ideas of ‘duty’ as truth.
For love must hold no place in my future—our future—lest Fate herself would have delivered these messages to you by now.
Perhaps she has. Perhaps I am writing to the flame of all my other words as they burn inside your hearth.
So, in the dark comfort of knowing you’ll never see these words, I apologize to you. I acknowledge my biggest failure as your friend, as your Queen. For sins committed long before my reign, are still sins committed. I cannot wash them from our history, but I can confess that in my dreams, I try.
I stop Father’s iron from meeting your skin.
I pick up a sword, not cower behind an armor-wearing one.
I wield the blade as my own, as a Blade myself, and I duel Miss Hellveig, as silly as it sounds.
I save you, and then I rise from the fire that marked you.
I rise the monarch this empire needs to survive.
In my fantasy, I am a thousand shades brighter than His Majesty, and you and I…
Well, my prayers do not fall onto the deaf ears of God.
I don’t marry a man I don’t know, I don’t fear living in a land that isn’t mine.
And more importantly, I see your face again before I’ve forgotten it.
Despite my best intentions, it fades further with every sunset, and I don’t know why. I can’t control it.
How worthless I can be. How incredibly insensitive. Perhaps if I-
A loud snap came as Miss Hellveig’s cane struck my hand, reanimating the pain that had long lived faithfully there. I hadn’t seen her come into the dining hall. I hadn’t heard her approach, and the cry I made only egged her to react.
“You must always be aware of those moving against you,” she said. “And pray, what are we working on, Princess? That doesn’t look like your words.”
She leered across the table, eyes dissecting my stationery, and as they narrowed, I raced to conceal the letter. She tried to rip the pages from my hand.
“Give it here. Now, Princess.”
My feet carried me, shoes beating against cold stone, like ice against their tired leather soles.
As I fled through the winding halls of the castle, shadows fell from the frames watching from the walls.
Bleak, moody rays of light crept through the cracks of the century-old stained glass windows, and they danced wildly with winter’s fading hour around the corridor.
I all but collided with the Lord Commander as he rounded the corner, and at the sight of me, he knelt, taking the papers I pushed into his hands.
“Please,” I begged. “Hide it!”
“Svana?” he cried. “What is it?” He went for his sword, ready, as the ghoul that chased me caught up to us, only to relax at the sight of her. “...Miss Hellveig?” he asked. He stood. His hand left the hilt to maneuver me behind him.
“For love must hold no place in my future,” she recited. “Our future. Lest Fate herself would have delivered these messages to you by now.”
I had lost a page.
She went on. “Messages; plural. Pray, how often do you write to this boy?”
“What boy?” I asked. “I do not know of what you speak!”
She nodded. “Mmm. So then, which lady is it that you dream for: iron meeting skin? Is it a lady’s face you so carelessly forget?”
Elías held his hand out. “I’ll handle this. Give me the rest.”
Miss Hellveig knit her brows. “Handle it?” She clawed for the half I held. I fell back onto the floor. At Elías's hand, she stopped from advancing on me. “This is above our positions, Knight,” she spat at him. “And not her first offense. Coddling her now will only injure her prospects.”
“Give me the letter,” Eli repeated.
She shook her head. “A Prince, you are to marry,” she said to me. “How could you be so foolish? What if someone from Chalke had intercepted this? You’ve endangered the entirety of our empire’s peace for nonsense! For a boy you can’t even remember! For a boy who is less than a quarter your worth!”
“He isn’t less than anyone!’ I cried.
“So it is a ‘he’ then?” she asked. “A lady does not lie, Your Highness. His Majesty will find an appropriate punishment for you, I’ll see.”
Miss Hellveig gripped the paper so tightly that it crinkled under the strain of her talons.
“There is no call to involve the King,” Elías stated. “Girls write boys. Boys write girls. Nothin’ strange of it. Svana must work on her tales, I’ll concede, but that is an easily curbed behavior.”
“Boys, yes. Gentlemen. Pages. Lords. Not stable bucks.” She looked at me. “Did you think I’d forgotten about him? Like you?”
Elías said, “I think you should forget about the letters the Princess writes.” His hand returned to the base of his sword.
“Elías…” I breathed.
He peered over his shoulder. “Go and find your room.”
“Are you threatening me?” Hellveig asked.
“Do you feel threatened?” he replied.
“Elías,” I urged.
“Find your room,” he said.
“I don’t want to find my room,” I whispered. I climbed to my feet to pry him from the floor, but he would not budge. “Please,” I begged.
Her lips shrank. “You’ve been helping her then?”
“No,” I said, clashing prominently with Elías’ chivalrous admittance.
“You’ve encouraged this? This adultery?” she asked.
“Leave him out of this. He hasn’t-!”
“Unfathomed sin,” Hellveig said. “I should have known, what with your history, you miscreant.”
“Miscreant? That’s fun,” he said. “And what have I done to deserve such decoration?”
She scoffed. “You’ve had your way with a number of women.”
“I haven’t,” he said.
“Don’t act as though it’s false! I’ve heard the rumors, Candy.”
He scoffed.
“Some Lord Commander you are. Some mentor. To think she looks up to you. If she only knew the truth.”
“Elías, I don’t understand,” I said.
He nodded. “She’s degrading my honor. They’re just words, Princess. They can’t hurt me the way she wants.”
“If His Majesty does not see to your immediate removal from his daughter’s influence, I will scream of your encouragement for her ruin, and I will scream of his brat’s indecency. I will see to it that everyone hears of her letters. Do not tempt me, Ser! I must do what I feel is right.”
“You can say whatever it is you want to say,” he explained.
“Do whatever you want to do. But will anyone believe an old, hateful woman? Probably not. You’re not exactly well-liked in these parts.
You’re tolerated upon the King’s invitation and his invitation alone, but go ahead and speak to him.
Tell him everything you think is true. I’m sure I’ll enjoy how very disappointing it will be for you to find that he won’t ever release me, though.
Not even if I were as awful as you have decided.
No, I’m here forever, Miss Hellveig. Are you? ”
She frowned. “Likability is nothing when it comes to a lady. You don’t understand this, as you are privileged to be a man, but she does.
She understands because I have told her, and because I won’t ever lie to her or coddle her mistakes.
She understands that I am not so successful a woman by allowing myself to be pushed around by men who think they have such power.
I am her only real support in this world, and I am the only one who wins this game for her, Lord Commander.
She knows that if I tell anyone, anyone, at all, about what she’s done, it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not.
They will listen. They want to listen; they want to see her trip and fall, and they want whatever words I say to be true. That’s why people gossip.”
“She doesn’t believe you,” he said.
“Elías,” I breathed in. “Please. You’re making it worse.”
“Go to your room,” he said.
“Yes. Go on, Your Highness,” she agreed. “Listen to the man. Do as you’re told.”
“Just apologize to her, Ser,” I begged.
“No,” he said. “And you—”
“Please,” I said. I met her eyes and stepped closer. “Miss Hellveig. Please. He’s sorry. I’m sorry. Just leave him alone. He isn’t bad. Not like me.”
She shook her head.
“He’s not! He’s not bad,” I said. “And he doesn’t make me bad! I’m bad all on my own!”
“Svana,” Elías said, he angled in my direction, reaching for my arm.
I pulled away. “Ser, please!” I told him. “We can’t win.”
“Good girl,” Hellveig said.
“I’ll do whatever you ask,” I promised her. “Just leave him alone. Please. He’s important to me.”
Her face softened, then it wound into an evil shape and she tsked. “Your Highness, he’s poisoned your mind against what’s right. Don’t you see?”
“That isn’t true,” he said.
“It is, though,” she went on. “And do you think he would stay? If everyone knew who you really were? Would your knight stay beside you?”
“I… I think so, yes,” I said.
She shook her head. “I don’t.”
Eli stepped between us; his glove forced itself into the folds of my dress and pulled me by it, back toward the hall. I halted, shocked.
“Svana,” he said sternly. “Leave. Now.”
“N-No,” I said.
“Even the Princess sees you’re in the wrong,” Hellveig replied. “Don’t you think it’s time you come to terms with it?”
He approached her; she stepped back.
“You’ve no right to touch her the way you have,” Elías said. “You’ve no right to lie to her, to convince her that she is so alone.”
“And you’ve the right to convince her she isn’t?” she asked. “Do you have to marry a man for peace? Or are you quite comfortable in your lifestyle as it is, Ser? Do you not remain here once she is gone?”
“I should hurt you the way you’ve hurt her,” he muttered.