Chapter 34
Ser Elías and I stayed in his room for some time.
Neither of us could sleep. He told me that he’d met my mother at the speaking of his oath, and that he had loved her from the moment he saw her there.
He said they bonded over the likeness of their names, and the synchronicity of wordplay between them and between my Sword and I was painful.
When we’d been quiet for long enough, we moved to my father’s study to play a game of chess and fill the silence and when my thoughts were too convoluted to make a proper move, I asked him where Ser Willoughby was.
He said, “Ser Willoughby took the evening off. He’ll attend the wedding tomorrow. Then he’s asked to discuss his assignment after.”
“I see.” I nodded. I focused on the board. “He’s going to ask you to reassign him somewhere else. Not the castle.”
“Why would he do that?”
“Because he’s angry with me,” I explained. “He hasn’t spoken to me since we returned.”
“Why is he angry with you?” Elías asked. “Is this something I need to know about? Or is this a disagreement between kin?”
“It’s…It’s more than a disagreement between kin, but it's well-deserved,” I said. “Don’t worry.”
He pondered his move. “I see. But asking for a reassignment is quite the statement. You don’t think he’ll come around, Your Majesty? I’ve not known your cousin to hold a grudge for so long.”
“I like him,” I said. “I hate that I do, but I do. I like him very much. You were right to bring him along with us. I was wrong to question it. He’s been very nice to me. And in moments when I needed a friend, not a chaperone, he was there.”
“That’s funny because I didn’t pick him because he was nice. I picked him because I knew he would tell you no when needed to be told no.”
I nodded. “While I was waiting for Mr. Evergreen to wake up, I was emotional. I had made comparisons between him and my Willem, and I told Ser Willoughby all about the boy I loved once upon a time. I told him how they had hurt him for touching me. I told him and he just listened. He just listened. Then we discovered who Mr. Evergreen truly was and Ser Willoughby blindly supported my insane theory of soulmates. Then we had an argument later and I was so mean to him. Why am I so mean to everyone I don’t want to be mean to? ” I asked.
Elías took his time to choose his words. “What was the argument about?”
I laid my hands in my skirt. “I told Miss Jocelyn that Ser Willoughby was in love with her, but I also told her that he had avoided a bad engagement and that he feared his father would bribe her not to marry him if he proposed.”
“Good God, Svana.”
“It gets worse,” I said.
He frowned.
“After begging me not to disclose her secrets to him, I told Ser Willoughby that Miss Jocelyn was in love with him as well, but that she was scared he would not accept her as she is a widow. Then the two of them left to talk about I don’t know what, but he explicitly stated he needed to be away from me.
Then Mr. Evergreen and I had an argument about it.
He said ‘does this sound familiar?’ and I felt awful because it did. ”
“It sounds like you were trying to control a situation similar to yours,” he said.
“I know that now, but in the moment, I genuinely thought I was helping. I thought that if I just aired out their troubles, they would see that they both want the same thing. And I also tried to show Mr. Evergreen–er, Willlem, that I loved him, but then we were caught by the Prince. That’s when you came in and said that Father was dead. ”
After some time of watching me, he sat back in his seat. “That’s a pretty bad day.”
“It was horrible!” I said. “Just horrible.”
“Anything else?” he asked.
“I don’t know. There’s probably a few other things, I’m quite skilled at fogging things, but I can’t think of them right now.
I’m too upset. I don’t want Daniel to hate me.
I don’t want anyone to, but especially him.
He’s so… supportive and I feel like I’ve kicked a puppy.
I don’t want him to leave more. I just want him to realize that he belongs with Miss Josie; that Miss Josie believes it, too.
I want him to seize the opportunity that he has been awarded!
Those two have a real chance at real love and I don’t understand why he won’t take it. ”
He folded his arms. “Do you enjoy decisions being made for you?” he asked.
“Well, no. When you say it like that…”
He sighed. “Let me think.”
“I told you it was bad,” I said.
“It’s not so bad that we can’t rectify it,” he said. “I just need a second to think. Your cousin is… a complex fellow.”
“He is. He’s brave, and intelligent, and he’s funny,” I told him.
“And he isn’t afraid to joke with me or alert me to my bad behavior.
I need that! I really need that. I’m terribly ill-mannered when left to my own devices.
What if he never speaks to me again, Elías?
He vowed he wouldn’t and now he’s taking days off and requesting to speak to the Lord Commander about assignments! ”
Eli watched me. He nodded. “He has to speak to you. It’s part of his job.”
“That’s what I said, but he was very sure he could manage,” I argued. “He said I would have to live with his silence.”
“Live with his silence. What a very dramatic thing to say. I suppose there’s no question you’re related.”
I huffed, ignoring his remark. “Will you tell him that I’m sorry?” I asked. “Will you tell him that I don’t want him to leave? That I’ll do anything he wants, even grovel. Me! Groveling, Elías.”
“If you mean such things, the apology is better from you.” He sighed another time.
“Stop making that sound. I told you it was bad!”
“Perhaps he is just not sure what to say to you,” Elías suggested.
“If your argument occurred around the time of my arrival, then tensions were high for several reasons. Yes, the King’s passing affects you the greatest, but Ser Willoughby is both a knight.
His monarch had just died, but he’s also related to the King.
He spent time here as a child. He knew him personally.
He had an argument with someone he cared about concerning the woman he’s keen on, then news of the death came.
It’s hard to find apologies in times of loss.
Death brings both the best and the worst out in us, and not everyone copes so well.
Maybe Ser Willoughby needs time to process? ”
I slumped. “If you say so. Though I don’t think he was particularly fond of my father. I’m not sure he’s upset over his death.”
“I assure you, all of us Blades are feeling something that impacts us,” he said. “As for your apology…” He moved his bishop. “Tell me about the Viscount. You said your cousin was worried about him bribing Miss Jocelyn?”
“Yes. Daniel’s previous engagement was arranged by his father.
I don’t know who it was–they never announced it, but he says she was a socialite.
That he felt she only wanted him for his position within society.
Dan said he enlisted to encourage her to end the arrangement before it could be announced.
His father was upset. He said he feared that he would catch wind of Miss Josie and that he would pay her not to marry him. ”
“Do you think she would accept a bribe?” he asked.
“Absolutely not,” I said. “I think Miss Jocelyn is very much in love with Ser Willougby. But neither of them will say it to the other, and despite hearing it from me, they don’t seem convinced.”
“Ser Willoughby is well over Miss Jocelyn’s station. The Viscount even further. You don’t think the prospect of having to petition the King for permission to marry beneath him was intimidating?”
“No. I told Daniel that I would speak to my father about it. I told him that I would convince him to approve it. But now he’s gone. I…I…” I lost my train of thought. I moved a piece and he took it. “Wait, how did you take that?”
He took his second turn. “You left it open.”
“No, I–” I stopped. “Damn. I did.” I drew my knight back protectively.
He nodded. “Good. Better.”
“Obviously, I’ll apologize to Ser Willoughby, if you think that he will listen.”
“I think that if you want him to forgive you, the first step is to try,” he said. “But there’s still the underlying issue of the relationship you exposed. You should also apologize to Miss Jocelyn.”
“I mean, I would but…she doesn’t know I’ve outed her status as a widow.”
“Unless your cousin told her,” he said. “Would she tell if he had?”
I paused. “I… I don’t know. She likes secrets.”
“Regardless, he will in time. If their connection is as sound as you suggest, then eventually he will tell her that he knows, and she will know who told him. You should take responsibility for your actions and apologize before that happens,” he said. “Assuming you value her friendship.”
“I do! And you’re right,” I said. “I shall confess and apologize to her as soon as possible. I just…It just all feels so little. I wish I could do something to quell their fears and apologize at the same time. I mean, I could write something up. A marriage license for him?”
Elías looked up at me, then studied the game, defending the pawn I’d hoped to take. “Maybe.”
I adjusted in my chair. “And then there’s the matter of Sameer and Cyrus,” I added. “I’m feeling pretty lost with that. He’s to remain Sam’s witness. Why? Why wouldn’t he step down? Why wouldn’t Sameer evict him from the role?”
“Men’s friendships are different from those of women. The Prince and Will have been friends for many years.”
“But how am I supposed to marry a man I despise, while also existing moments away from the one I would literally die for? I thought that I wouldn’t have to see him again but then Sam’s letter told me to expect him at the church.
And now, I keep thinking…What do I do when he’s standing at my door?
Do I ignore him? Do I apologize? Do I run away and never take credit for the wrongs I’ve committed because I am open to that idea, you know? ”