Chapter 35
I nervously tapped my pen on my notebook. I had to face the fact that I couldn’t concentrate. I was waiting for my father to call since he must have heard from Sylas’s father by now. I was waiting for everything to fall apart, for everything to change.
Glancing over my shoulder, I noticed the old librarian had fallen asleep in front of her book in her office. Moved by an impulse, I abandoned my desk and walked to a secluded alcove nestled between the art and science shelves. A feeble light, almost nonexistent, flickered on top of me.
The library was deserted at this hour, but I knew Levi was here. I’d seen him watching me, trying to give me space to study. He liked watching. I liked that he watched me. But tonight, I wanted more.
“Are you playing cat and mouse, Dalia?” Levi’s voice echoed from behind me.
I reeled around, slamming my lips on his. I wanted this. Him. To feel alive. Not to worry about my father’s voice or the prospect of going to hell. Another man would have probably asked if everything was okay, but Levi deepened the kiss, his tongue flicking with mine as he pushed me against the shelf.
“Want to go to your dorm?” I whispered, feeling bold.
His eyes darkened. He understood the meaning behind it. I had resisted him for weeks, but now I was finally ready to go all in.
“I may have to throw Cillian out since his roommate is in a heated fight with your head of house.” Kay and Sylas, right. “But I don’t mind throwing him out.”
“No.” I cut him off, searching around me. No students were there. A feeble classical music was playing in the background. The librarian was asleep, and we were hidden. “Here.”
Yasmine was sleeping, and we had a no-boys rule going on. This was the right time, so I touched Levi on top of his trousers.
His thumb traced the outline of my lips while he lowered his forehead to mine. “Here?”
“Don’t pretend to care about that kind of thing now,” I quipped. “Sorry, I just want to… feel alive.”
Feel something other than fear or numbness. Maybe I was angry, perhaps I was tired, or maybe I was doing this for the wrong reasons, but I wanted his darkness. I didn’t want to be a fragile doll. I lowered myself to my knees and opened his trousers while Levi stared at me with an enigmatic expression. I freed his erection, and before I could suck him, he pulled me back up to him. What —
“If you let me fuck your mouth right now, I’ll fill it with my cum. So what should I fuck? Your pussy or your mouth?” he rasped, his thumb and forefinger closing on my nipples.
“Me,” I said, my chest rising and falling. “Take. Me.”
“Are you offering me your first time in the middle of the library?” He smirked, kissing my nape. “And here I thought you’d want me to take you into bed the sweet and soft way.”
“We’ve been doing preliminaries for weeks. I’m ready now.”
He captured my lower lip between his teeth and sucked on it, taking off my gloss. “I don’t think you are.”
“This is my choice.”
His fingers reached underneath my skirt, trailing the length of my thighs. “I’m not the type to ask if you’re sure if you want to do this. I’ll take everything you offer me. This is going to be painful.”
I locked my eyes on him. “I trust you.”
But what was I trusting him with? To break me? To give me the first time I could never imagine wanting? For my father to resent me forever? To live for me, even if it meant killing a part of myself?
One of his hands gripped my throat, the other meeting my wetness. “You shouldn’t.”
He kissed me. Savagely. Without restraint. He lifted my skirt on my hips, and pulled my panties to the side, stroking two fingers inside me. I clenched around him and bit the fabric of his dress shirt on his shoulder, adjusting to him. He’d always been patient, taking his time, but tonight, he was rougher. Different.
He didn’t bother unbuttoning the top of my shirt and tore it down, a few buttons popping out and rolling on the floor.
“Hey, uniforms cost a fortune!” I complained in a whisper, looking behind my shoulder through the bookshelves. The librarian was still asleep.
“I’ll buy you more of them. Plus, it’s not my fault you’re wearing lace lingerie that can display the shapes of your breasts and hard nipples. It gets me so hard every time.” He took a handful of my breasts. “Good girls don’t wear lace lingerie like that.”
“Don’t talk about other women when you’re with me,” I asserted, my eyes narrowing on him.
He chuckled. “That possessive side of you is such a turn-on. You’re the only one.” He pulled the fabric of my panties up, making me squeak. “The only one I want to own.” He slapped my sex, and I bounced on the shelf, gasping. “The only one who has me obsessed.” He captured my jaw again. “Your pussy is so tight. This is going to hurt, but I’ll let you use me.”
His lips slammed shut on mine, and he added a third finger to stroke me. I bit hard on his lip, under the shock, my walls clenching tight around him. Pain and pleasure mixed, my heart creating a symphony of its own. He pulled away, his lower lip bleeding. With his tongue, Levi licked the blood, still pumping his fingers inside me.
“I’m sorry,” I half moaned, half begged.
“Bleed me all you want, Dalia.”
It was as if he wanted to feel the intensity I was feeling. To feel my hurt. To take a bit of my pain.
He pulled his fingers out of me and searched for a condom in his pocket, and rolled it over his hard arousal. He was so thick. Would he fit?
“How should I take you, Dalia?” His eyes assessed me, his head tilting slowly to the side, his composed face not betraying an inch of his arousal. He was almost clinical, so cold, as he spoke. “Should I fuck you against this shelf and watch you fall apart, my hand gripping your throat to feel your pulse beating? But then, the way you shattered on my tongue when your ass was up in the air meant you’ll probably enjoy it if I bend you over like a dirty slut.”
“Both,” I said, fire burning my core. I would take anything to numb my thoughts. To exist and to do something for myself. Something forbidden.
“You can’t handle both, my little thief.” His sinister smile promised.
“Try me.”
“I warned you, you should never challenge someone like me.”
He lifted my leg so I’d wrap it around his waist. He slammed me back on the shelf and entered me in one hard thrust. It felt like my body broke around him. I gasped, but he covered my scream as tears filled up my eyes. He adjusted his hardness around me slowly this time, his eyes not leaving mine. I tried to hold on to the bookshelf behind me.
“Told you it’d hurt,” he said, almost sadistically. “And I only thrust half of my cock in your tight pussy. But when I shape you, you’ll fill me up perfectly.”
He was going deeper with each of his merciless thrusts until I felt him in my belly. My nails dug down his dress shirt, my legs shaking. It hurt, it goddamn hurt. But behind the hurt, sometimes I’d feel a blast of pleasure. Behind the pain shattering my insides was that feeling we completed each other. Both hideously scarred. Both lonely and dead inside. Both freaks .
“Your flushed face is such a pretty sight, just like the bouncing of your breasts as your wetness spreads around my cock,” he murmured, kissing and nibbling my earlobe. “Look at you, taking me whole, breaking around me.”
One of my tears trailed down my cheek. I’d never felt anything so intense before. He licked it, slowly, and pulled his hardness in and out of me. I rolled my hips to meet his pace.
“But don’t worry, my little thief.” His whisper on my nape sent goose bumps behind my back. “I’ll put all the pieces back in.”
I clenched around him, his thrusts deeper, harder, but his pacing lowered. His beautiful stormy eyes didn’t waver from mine, but they were pitch-black, unreadable, and could freeze me to the core. He looked haunted. My brows furrowed. My clit throbbed. The pain and pleasure mixed, blurring my senses.
“Levi…” I gasped.
“Don’t call my name,” he growled. “You won’t like the consequences if you do.”
“Levi,” I called again, wanting to spark that flicker in his deadly eyes.
I wanted everything of him too. I wanted to break something of his. His mask of control. I wanted the man I was fascinated with when we were kids. I wanted his humanity.
That flicker was back in his eyes. “Oh, Dalia, I hope you’ll be able to take it.”
He spun me around, and with his hand on my back, he made me lean on the shelf. He locked my hands with a hard grip on my wrists. I could peer through the narrow gap between the slumber books on the towering shelves. Each beam of moonlight from the arched windows cast long shadows that danced like specters in the room.
“Part your legs,” he ordered, kicking my feet apart.
The mechanical whirring of the CD player signaled a transition between tracks, its clicking noise echoing in the silence. As the first note of a cello filled the air, Levi slammed inside me harder than before. I bit my lower lip not to scream. I didn’t imagine my first time like that. I didn’t imagine crying out, feeling the pain, and getting off from it. I didn’t imagine pleasure building in my core, as I was taken in the dirtiest way in the middle of this cabaret of ghosts probably haunting this place at midnight.
“Fuck, Dalia,” Levi groaned. “You feel so good.”
The rain thrummed against the windows like skeletal fingers knocking on the glass. The storm raged on. With each peal of thunder, the room was plunged into darkness, illuminated only by gray flashes of lightning.
My legs shook. My vision blurred. My belly clenched.
His thrusts were merciless. Intense. Raw. When he released my hands, I held on to whatever I could in front of me—the lower shelf at the bottom. I was bending down when he grasped my waist and increased his pace, slamming my butt cheek. I felt a liquid dripping down my thighs. The pleasure building, my legs shaking, the blood rushing to my head.
“You’re mine, Dalia,” he growled. “I don’t remember a time you weren’t the center of my universe, and I loathed you for it, and now you’re fucking mine.”
His pace became violent, rough, and when I thought I’d collapse, his orgasm exploded in a blast as my pulsing clit demanded more, my insides hurting like hell. I thought sex was a love declaration, but it was more than that. It was everything lying deep inside you—hatred, shame, desire. You were giving your soul to someone.
I tried to catch my breath, and he pulled out of me. I stayed in position, my heart on the verge of exploding. My whole body was sore—I couldn’t move. I’d done it. I’d lost my virginity to him. The first man who had captured my interest. The first boy I ever knew.
Levi wrapped the condom in a piece of paper and tossed it in the trash as I looked down at my thighs. Blood. Blood dripped all around me as I remained bent over.
“Levi.” My voice broke.
I remembered what people at church said. Supposedly, the most precious gift a woman could give was her virginity—as if without it, we were no longer worthy.
I curled myself into a ball. I didn’t know what to do now. The sky thundered again and thrummed into my ears. I snapped my eyes shut, my heart speeding in my chest. It’s not a gunshot, Dalia. I took a deep breath and looked at Levi.
But something had switched inside him. His mask was back on. He seemed distant again. Unemotional. He was readjusting his shirt and watching me almost as if he was…. Hating me . Just like the first time he met me. His eyes were narrowed, his head up high.
“Levi,” I called him again.
But he didn’t move. Why wasn’t he helping me out? I couldn’t button up my shirt, so I covered my breasts with my hand. I tried to pull my skirt down, trying to cover myself as much as I could, and I tightened my thighs together for the blood to stop.
He didn’t talk, he didn’t reply, and my heart started to sink. Was it the only thing he wanted? Would he leave me like that? Did I do all of that for nothing? Was I that naive?
I felt vulnerable in a way I’d never felt, and my eyes watered. “Help me.”
Did I mean nothing to him?
A tear fell. The storm hit. His hand curled into a fist.
“I broke you,” his shadow said, deadly and distant.
He did.
If he walked away, he would destroy me.
“Was that part of your plan?” Don’t leave me.
“Of course,” he said.
“And you’re satisfied with yourself?” I whispered.
“Yes.” He prowled toward me and lowered himself on his knee to face me. “You need me.”
“Levi,” I called him again in a shaking whisper.
He encased me within the sanctuary of his arms, effortlessly lifting us both as he cradled me against him. “Now, I need to put the pieces back in.”
“I thought—” I mumbled. “I thought you’d leave me here.”
“You’re mine, Dalia. I’ll never leave you.”