Chapter 40
F or hours, I fixated on the URL link, a solitary touch away from unraveling the truth in a dismal motel room. Being back in that shithole made me feel nostalgic. If my little thief could face her father, I certainly could face my mother’s ghost. The cold air crept in through the open window, probably alongside her ghost, probing me to finally press enter.
What if she sends me around in circles again? What could she have to say to me? My father was nonexistent, my grandparents abandoned us, and Patrice was a narcissistic pervert. There was nothing more to the story.
I pressed enter.
The web page loaded until it revealed a single folder labeled “thoughts.”
Thoughts? Thoughts on what? Me? Were they thoughts about how much I destroyed her life? Something burned within the confines of my chest. I downloaded the folder—the perfect Trojan horse for being hacked, which would have been ironic. But this time, it wasn’t one of my mother’s jokes. Once the download was complete, I had access to a folder with hundreds of notes, all annotated and classified by numbers.
I was inside my mother’s brain.
Note 1:
Answers.
Levi, if you found those notes, it means that you managed to decipher the scores. We played our last game together—this one was my best work. If you didn’t find this, you’ll never know, and maybe it’s for the best. It means you’re okay, and that you moved on from me. But if you’re reading this, it means you haven’t given up on me, that there is still hope that you could forgive me. I never found the courage to tell you, so hopefully, my notes can speak for themselves.
I read each of the following notes, holding my breath until I was on the verge of losing consciousness.
And at the end, I threw my computer away, a burst of rage taking me in.
“Hello, Mother, it’s been a long time,” I said, rooted in front of her family vault—as if she thought I’d be buried next to her someday, my anger anchoring me so firmly it felt like my feet could pierce the ground underneath. “Well, it’s been years, to be exact, since I’ve spoken to you.”
I smirked, tossing a bouquet on her tombstone. They were the ones she loathed the most—yellow roses. “Years since you decided to abandon me, and write that shitty letter and treasure hunt. You couldn’t just have told me the fucking truth, huh? You had to make me do this?”
No replies. Nothing.
“Your little student helped me. She had talent, you were right. Dalia wished she’d have been your daughter, but—” I threw my head back, a dark, almost manic laughter tearing through my throat. “But she doesn’t know you like I do! I don’t care about your feelings now; it’s too late. Because you know what?” I slammed my fist on the grave. “I hate you, Lucie Delombre. I’m glad you’re dead. You have no right to make this about you! You were interested in her because of her mother. Well, I’m interested in her for who she is!”
Mist billowed from my mouth, my breaths ragged and heavy.
“All my life, I tried to make you feel something for me, but it’s too late now! You should have just given up on me, like everyone. Honestly, how did you think I’d react knowing the truth, huh?” I roared in the middle of the deserted cemetery, feeling the blood rushing to my head. “I’m done, Mother! You think I’d forgive you for killing yourself? Nothing you experienced justified what you did! You left me!”
I struck her cold, hard grave with a force that reverberated through my bones, feeling the sting of my knuckles splitting against the stone.
“Everyone kept saying I’m just like you. Devoid of feelings. Cold. Psychopathic. The town’s freak. We’re the same, right?” I laughed, feeling every ugly bit of me decaying and breaking. “So what does that mean? For so many years, I thought I needed to end my life like you! Should I end our wretched bloodline now? Should I fucking die too?”
Silence.
It’s always the silence.
I didn’t know what I was expecting, anything but something.
“Look at that.” I observed the thick layer of moist soil accumulated over time, mingling with the dusty strands of cobwebs across the walls. “No one comes to visit you. You’ve been forgotten by all… but me. How ironic.”
I lowered myself onto the gritty, dusty floor of the ancient vault, feeling the weight of the past pressing down on me like a suffocating shroud. I stayed there for hours, watching the slow descent of the sun outside.
“I loathe you, Mother. I loathe you with every fiber in my being.”
Silence.
This fucking silence.
The fucking ghosts.
“Levi!” A voice cut through the darkness.
My head snapped back. “And now, I’m hearing Dalia’s voice,” I muttered to myself, my thoughts spiraling into chaos. “I’m so fucked up.”
“Levi!” her voice called again, closer this time.
I turned my head slowly, and there Dalia was, running toward me like a ghostly apparition emerging from my tortured mind’s abyss. She reached my side, her breath coming in ragged gasps, her presence feeling painfully real.
Rising from my crouched position, each muscle protested the strain of hours spent on that floor. Her wide green eyes were locked on me, and she stared at me like she was afraid of losing me. Like I was worthy somehow. It made me believe I could be someone’s whole damn world, just for a moment.
“You didn’t reply to my texts. I searched for you everywhere, and I—” She trailed off in a trembling voice, her eyes searching mine. “What happened?”
“The truth,” I said. “I loathed her for so long, Dalia.”
She hugged me, not leaving me the choice to push her away. “Tell me everything.”
Where should I start?
Probably the day I was born and was already fucking unwanted.