Chapter 3
Chapter
Three
Jasper stood by the edge of the pond, staring down into the murky depths of the water where he’d almost drowned. He remembered flailing, fighting, struggling to keep holding his breath, inhaling water, and then darkness.
The sides of the pond had begun to freeze over. Crystal-like frost covered rocks and pebbles that surrounded it.
Lifting his gaze, he stared at the place on the ground where he had woken. Then he looked to the hill where he’d fallen. He stared at the trees, their branches now bare and covered in snow.
Despite the passing of months, he still could not piece together the puzzle that had been his accident. And his survival.
He’d fallen. He’d landed in the pond. He’d thought he drowned. Then he’d miraculously woken on the ground.
But how did I get out of the water? How did I survive?
Something rubbed against his leg. Jasper looked down. Kali, his fox familiar, rubbed her long, slender body against Jasper’s calves.
Jasper leaned down to pat her. “This is where you and I met, Kali.”
She sat on her haunches. Her tongue lolled.
Jasper smiled. Then he returned his gaze to the pond. “It’s been months. And I still don’t understand what happened.”
A gust of wind blew and whisked snowflakes against his cheeks. He straightened and pulled his coat tighter around himself, fighting the urge to shiver. Kali stepped in close to him.
The wind died away. Jasper began to walk. Kali trotted along behind him.
His feet crunched through the thick snow, his footsteps slow. They had been slow since the accident. Walking took more effort now. Everything took more effort since the accident.
The healer had come to their home the day he’d fallen and landed in the pond. He had examined Jasper. He’d cleaned Jasper’s scrapes and minor wounds and prescribed him elothea seed tea. He’d said Jasper would be fine after a few days of rest.
Months later and Jasper still was not fine.
His whole body ached. He grew tired quickly. He had constant headaches. He often felt nauseous, light-headed, or dizzy. With only a little exertion, his heart would race and he’d struggle to breathe.
Even though the healer had been wrong about Jasper’s recovery, at least the elothea tea provided some relief. The healer had no idea why Jasper hadn’t recovered. No one knew why.
Leo and Grady suggested finding a new healer.
Jasper wasn’t interested.
A healer won’t help me. I am certain that the answer to what is going on is here, in the forest. I can feel it in my blood. In my bones. It’s here. I know it is here!
Jasper inhaled the frigid air, letting it fill his lungs. Strangely, he could breathe easier in the forest. He ached less too, he could walk easier, and he tired less quickly. He was not his old self. But he was stronger here.
But why? None of it made any sense. It was all a fucking mystery.
The answer has to be here!
Jasper kept walking and looking around. But what exactly was he searching for? Or more specifically, who? Because Jasper couldn’t shake the feeling he was searching for someone. He’d felt like that since waking after his accident.
Jasper walked on, no idea where he headed. He just kept going onwards, propelled by a never-ending restlessness and need that consumed him. He rubbed at his chest, directly over his heart, as if that would soothe the constant yearning burning inside him and pushing him onwards.
He always needed. Always yearned. Always pined.
But what did he need? Who did he yearn and pine for?
Jasper stopped walking. He exhaled, and it fogged the air.
Kali nudged him. She’d been by his side since the accident. She’d followed him home. Then followed him around his apartment. She’d lain beside him in his bed. Then come with him to the forest or the bakery or wherever he went. It had seemed only natural that Jasper make her his familiar.
“Just a little longer.” Jasper glanced down at Kali. “We’ll stay out just a little longer and then go home.”
He could sense Kali’s concern and protectiveness through the witch-familiar bond.
“I just feel that there is something out here.” Jasper waved at the forest. “If I could just find it, then everything would be okay again. I’d be well again. I’d be my old self.”
Everything would go back to normal, including his relationship with Leo. And the never-ending ache and restlessness inside him would finally stop. He could finally be at peace. He could sleep properly.
Because at the moment, his dreams were filled with him wandering and searching the forest. But sometimes in his dreams, he found what he was looking for. And in sleep, for a moment he’d feel complete. Safe. Warm. Loved.
Then he’d wake. And he couldn’t remember what it was he’d found or that had made him feel whole again. He’d lie awake in bed, trying to recall, as if that would be a clue to what he was searching for in the forest.
“Just a little longer,” he said once more.
They continued. Now Jasper came out into the forest almost every day, regardless of the weather, trying to find answers to a question he didn’t know.
Closing his eyes, Jasper paused. He took several deep breaths. He just wanted to rest. But he couldn’t. Not with the constant longing gnawing at his insides.
“I’m so fucking tired,” he said aloud to the frosty air.
Kali bumped her head against his calf and rubbed her tail against him. Then she trotted ahead in the direction of Anorra. She stopped and turned back towards him. She gave a short, sharp bark. Her ears twitched.
“I know. We should head back.” The sky had started to darken. He needed to go home.
But what if he stayed out just a couple more minutes and found what he’d been searching for for months?
Kali barked again. Jasper sighed. She was right. He should head back. Because even though he had more energy in the forest, he was still so fucking weak.
“I’m coming.” Jasper followed her. But he glanced around furtively, desperate for a glimpse of…something. Or someone.
He let out a bitter laugh. Sometimes he felt like he was going mad.
It felt like the accident had opened up a void inside him. A gaping, urgent need. Jasper just couldn’t work out how to fill it. But he was certain it was someone and he’d find that someone here in the forest.
He glanced back. He froze, eyes narrowing.
What was that?
For half a second, he swore he’d seen a large shadow moving amongst the bare tree trunks. He held his breath. Jasper strode in the direction he’d seen movement, heart thumping against his ribcage.
He reached the spot.
Nothing.
Had it been a trick of the light? He glanced at the ground. Hoof-prints marked the otherwise pristine snow.
Probably just a reindeer.
He looked around. But he saw no sign of the creature. Still, something niggled in the back of his mind, telling him it was no reindeer. But what, then?
Sometimes he felt like his mind played tricks. Like he saw shadows and movement in his peripheral vision. But when he came closer, nothing was ever there.
Kali came up beside him.
“I don’t even know what I’m looking for.” Jasper glanced at Kali, who stared ahead. Her ears flicked back. “Come on. Let’s go home.”
They turned and walked towards Anorra. And as they left the forest, he once again felt like he was leaving a part of himself behind.