Chapter 11 Yara
YARA
I fucking hated hospitals.
I hated the smell of antiseptic in the air, the sadness clinging to the walls, the dread visible in the eyes of the people in the waiting area.
It was a constant reminder of our mortality, and with what happened today I didn't need any more reminders of how fragile life truly was.
Not to mention the fact that Xavier looked just about ready to jump out of his own skin as we waited for the doctor to see me, or the fact that he kept on holding my hand as his leg kept bouncing.
Over the last couple of months, I thought I had seen every single version of him, but I have never seen him this shaken. This scared, this quiet, and I didn't like it. I wanted him to yell at me, to be pissed at me. To tell me to go fuck myself and that he never wanted to see me again.
I wasn't used to people caring about me, not like this.
I was used to the sharp jabs just under my ribs when I least expected it.
I was used to tending to my own wounds, because no one else cared enough to patch up my bloody knees or to put some ice on the bruises on my legs.
Big, hulking men holding my hand as the doctor entered inside the room weren't what I ever expected to have.
"Ms. Thornton—"
"Quinn," I corrected the doctor as he entered the room, making him look at me. "I'm not Thornton." Xavier practically growled, earning a shocked look from the middle aged doctor standing almost at the entrance to the small examination room.
"Right." He cleared his throat. "Ms. Quinn.
Your tests came back, and everything seems to be okay.
We don't have a reason to believe that you had a concussion, but I would still advise to monitor it, and if you start feeling dizzy, disoriented or nauseous I would recommend coming in.
I would also recommend having someone with you tonight.
Don't be alone, but you should be fine."
"She won't be alone," Xavier all but bit out, staring at the doctor as if it was his fault I was in this situation. "I'll monitor her."
"Uh." The doctor looked from me to Xavier and then back at me, as if he was trying to figure out our relationship.
"That's good. I'll prescribe some painkillers just in case you start getting a headache.
Sometimes the impact of an airbag can leave us with a headache, but other than that, you're good to go. "
"Are you sure?" Xavier asked as he got up. "Shouldn't she be getting an MRI or something like that?"
"No, Mr. Thornton, there's no need for that," the doctor, whose name I couldn't remember if I was being honest, said. "She's not disoriented, her blood work you insisted on is okay, so I don't see the reason why she should be getting an MRI."
"I want to—"
"Xavier," I stopped him from going on, "I'm okay. If there was anything wrong, they would've done further tests or they would've kept me here. But I'm fine."
"You don't know that. You could be—"
"Hey," I murmured, squeezing his hand. "I'm okay. I just want to go home and take a shower and possibly watch some movie or something. I don't want to be here for longer than is necessary."
There it was again, that fear that wouldn't leave his eyes no matter what.
Ever since we came inside the hospital he was like a man possessed.
Barking at the doctors and nurses, demanding to get at least my blood drawn so that they could test me for everything under the moon, and standing by my side no matter what.
I didn't know what to do with this attention. Well, I didn't know what to do with his attention. I was happy he won, but this accident made no difference for us. The accident was just a reminder that I didn't belong in his world, not when people like Rhett existed in it.
Bile started rising in my throat as I remembered what he said to me.
As those filthy hands ran over my thigh as if he had any right to do so.
I should've told Xavier what happened, but a part of me feared he wouldn't have believed me so for now I would keep my mouth shut.
For now I needed to figure out how to avoid Rhett without having to look for another job.
"Okay," Xavier exhaled. "If you say you're fine—"
"I am. I'll ask Violet to come over and to watch—"
"No," he spat out. "I am watching over you, and that's final.
Violet is already outside waiting to see you, but tonight you're staying with me and that's it.
" If there was a fly going around the room it would've ended up in my mouth, because I sat there gaping at him and the determination written all over his face.
He wasn't gonna let me go, not even after this. If anything, it seemed that my little plan backfired and instead of Xavier hating me and wanting nothing to do with me, he wanted me even more.
"Well, then," the doctor chuckled. "I'll leave you two to it. Let us know if there's anything else we can do for you, Ms. Quinn."
Lobotomy would've been nice, not for me but for Xavier.
Someone to pinch me to make me believe in this reality would work as well, but I wasn't picky.
Xavier kept his eyes on me the entire time, and as the doctor left the room, he came closer and closer and fucking closer, until he leaned down, pressing his forehead to mine and closing his eyes.
He slowly sat down on the corner of the bed, and before I could ask him what was happening, he had me pulled into his arms, crushing me to him as he buried his face into the crook of my neck, inhaling sharply as his entire body shook.
Those hands that always felt so steady, so sure, were now shaking as he gripped at my shirt, tightening his hold with every passing second.
I fucking hated this, seeing him like this.
I hated that I was the cause of this distress and instead of pushing him away, I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him in closer, feeling those shuddering breaths against my skin.
In those moments when Rhett lost control of his car, the first person that was on my mind was Xavier.
The only person I wanted at that moment, the only one who I knew could save me was him, and that terrified me more than the car crash itself.
I was already in too deep, and judging by his reaction, he was too.
I had no idea if there was a way out of this, not unless I disappeared, and that was easier said than done, considering that I didn't have the way to just leave.
Not just yet.
"I really am okay," I murmured against his ear, feeling him shake even harder the moment I spoke. "I'm sorry I caused such a drama."
It felt as if hours had passed by before he finally spoke, before he told me what he really felt.
"I thought I'd lost you," Xavier said, piercing me straight into the center of my chest with his words.
With the broken syllables, with the dread lacing each word.
"I thought I would never get to hold you like this.
I thought I fucked up. I thought you would never open your eyes, Yara.
I don't," he stammered. "I don't want to keep pretending.
I wanted to kill him, baby. I wanted to strangle him when I saw you getting inside his car, but I understand. "
"You do?" He really did?
"I didn't give you enough reasons to choose me, but I will.
" Xavier pulled back and looked straight into my eyes.
"I'll give you a thousand reasons to pick me, to fucking choose me, and even if you don't feel this right now, I want you to know I wasn't lying when I said I belong to you.
This heart—" he took my hand and placed it on his chest, "—it belongs to you already.
You can fight me, you can try to run from me, but there's not a place in this world where I wouldn't find you.
I need you to know that. I need you to believe me when I say that. "
And I wanted to. I fucking wanted to believe him more than anything in this entire world. But I was just a shiny new toy he wanted to have, and I wasn't ready to give my heart to the man who could get bored one day, leaving me behind in a million little pieces because I chose to believe in us.
"We shouldn't be doing this, Xavier. We shouldn't be even sitting here like this, holding each other like—"
"Like we're together?" The fucker had the decency to smile at me.
"You can label it however you want to, trouble, but we are together.
You can try to push me away. You can try to pretend that my heart isn't yours, but we both know you'd be lying to yourself.
So take your time, figure out how you want this to play out, but at the end of the day we're together, Yara, and that's all that matters. "
Words eluded me. Hell, my own heart almost wanted to jump out, because he said all the right things, all the right words I needed to hear, but there was a part of me that couldn't believe in it.
There was a part of me that would always wait for the other shoe to drop and I was worried it would never stop.
"Come on." He suddenly got up, not waiting for my response. "Let's get you home. A little birdy told me it's time to rewatch all seasons of Supernatural, and I have a massive bed with a huge TV mounted just in front of it."
We were dying from the first breath we took, the moment we separated from our mothers, thrown into this cruel world. Every hour, minute, second, they were bringing us closer to the inevitable end, and yet, we liked to believe we were invincible.
Sometimes I wished that death wasn't just some far away dream, but the reality I was facing, if only so I could get rid of these chains tightening around my ribs, ripping through my insides.
Other days I wished I could love life like so many others did, because it would've been so much easier to breathe, to live, to simply exist.