Chapter 13 Yara
YARA
It was the stickiness between my legs that woke me up and the warmth surrounding me, making me press my eyes closed just for one more second.
My head was pounding but the reality of what had happened last night made my stomach churn and my heart thunder harder than it even did when the crash happened. The scent of Xavier enveloped me in the warm cocoon, making it so much harder to ignore reality, the life I couldn’t run away from.
It didn’t matter that every atom in my body screamed, begging me to stay here, to ignore everything else and accept his words as true. It didn’t matter that his arm laid possessively over my stomach, holding me, protecting me even in his sleep.
It absolutely didn’t matter that he wrapped himself around me, with his chin on top of my head and his leg thrown over mine. None of it mattered because it wasn’t the life I would ever get to live.
One glance at the window on our right told me that the sun was slowly breaking through the shadows of the night, bringing in the new day and with it the painful reality of my existence.
I so often wished I was born in a different body, in a different family, in a different life, but more so today, because maybe I would’ve allowed myself to stay instead of planning how to escape from his hold without waking him up.
His words played on repeat in my head, flooding my mind, breaking through the barriers I’ve worked so hard on creating, and the longer I stayed in his embrace, the harder it was retreating into the misery that laced every single waking moment.
Xavier stirred, moving his arm from my stomach, releasing me as he moved to his back, snoring softly. I bet he would hate it if I told him he snored in his sleep, but after waking me up at least three more times to make sure I didn’t have a concussion, he needed his sleep.
And I needed to leave.
My heart clenched painfully as I moved off the bed, away from him, and as I sat up the sound of his voice froze me in my tracks.
“Yara,” he mumbled, making me turn to look at him. With closed eyes his body searched for me where I used to be, and it would’ve been so easy slipping back into his embrace, letting him hold me for just a few more moments.
But the two of us weren’t meant to be, not in this world, not in this life, and the longer I stood here looking at him, the harder it was to move away.
I used to believe in love when I was a little girl. I used to believe that there was somebody out there made just for me. Somebody who would save me from this miserable existence, from this fucked up family.
Maybe in another life Xavier would’ve been that person, but not in this one.
“I’m sorry,” I mouthed as I took a step away from the bed, trying to ignore the aching in the center of my chest the further away I went.
The relaxed look on his face was slowly disappearing, his brows pulled down the longer he looked for me, and just like the coward I always knew I was, I slipped out of his room and into mine, feeling the wet tracks of the tears on my cheeks the further away I went.
My hands shook as I slowly closed the door behind me, and I knew that these doors wouldn’t be enough to stop him from coming for me. This entire town wasn’t enough to hide me from him, but I couldn’t leave.
At least not yet.
I was almost there. I was so close to reaching the amount of money I needed to start somewhere new, and I needed at least one more week to get to a comfortable number, without needing to starve myself on the East Coast. But staying in this house wasn’t an option, and while Xavier himself didn’t scare me, my feelings toward him did.
They were a living, breathing thing, and the more time passed the harder it was becoming staying away from him, his touch, his eyes that saw everything even when I didn’t want them to.
So instead of waiting for him to wake up. Instead of waiting for the inevitable pull to happen, I went into action, crossing the length of my room toward my wardrobe and started pulling out clothes I would need for at least a couple of days.
I didn’t have time to shower. I didn’t even have time to think as I went into my room and packed everything in my gym bag; my clothes, my toiletries, my fucking heart, and tiptoed out of the room into the hallway covered in the morning light.
My phone was still in the room with Xavier, but it didn’t matter.
I could get a new one.
I wished it was as easy to get a new heart, because mine wouldn't stop throbbing painfully with every step I took.
The moment I stepped outside the house it felt as if the weight of the world slammed right into me, leaving me breathless as I sprinted toward the street. But some things had to be done.
Some band aids had to be ripped off even if it hurt like hell.
Xavier would survive, or at least that's what I've been trying to tell myself even as the tears crashed down, wetting my cheeks.
That's what I've been telling myself the entire time I walked toward Violet's house.
The only saving grace was that she didn't live as far away from me as Noah did, and without the car there was no way I'd be able to get to his place on foot.
But even with only ten minute walk, it felt like an eternity had passed once I had finally reached her gate.
Lead was tied to my legs and each new step felt like the biggest mistake of my life, but what we wanted and what we deserved were two different things. Sometimes life showed us what we could have if we were just a little bit better.
Just a little bit lighter.
But I didn't belong in the light. I belonged to the dark corners, to the forgotten birthdays and tear stained evenings when your parents fought because they hated each other.
I belonged to the forgotten memories. To stolen glances, forbidden kisses and nights in my stepbrother's bedroom losing the final piece of myself and giving it to him.
I knew I would be just a memory for him in a couple of weeks. I knew he wouldn't come for me, but that didn't mean I didn't want him to. There was a sick part of my soul that wanted him to fight. Maybe deep down I needed someone to tell me I was enough, even if I didn't want to admit it.
It was difficult to acknowledge the fact that I wanted to be loved when the two people who were supposed to love me the most couldn’t do so. It was almost impossible to believe that some guy who shouldn't even care about me was going to be the one to make me believe in love.
When you were born with thorns wrapped around your heart, it was hard to believe that sometimes roses could bloom at the tips of those stems. I've been running away from waves trying to pull me under for so fucking long but maybe, just maybe, I had already drowned.
Not once did my mom call to see if I was alive. If I had everything I needed.
Not once did she ask if I was dealing with my father's death months ago, and while I knew there was no love lost between the two of them, he was still my dad. He was still the first guy who was supposed to be my hero.
And for a little while he was. He was the best person I had.
He was the sun shining on me after difficult practice.
He was my superhero until he packed up his things and left, without ever coming back.
From the moment he stepped away it was as if I ceased to exist, and somehow, I had a feeling Xavier would be the same.
After all, they were cut from the same cloth.
They were the picture perfect sons, handed everything on golden plates, and just like my father, there was no way Xavier would choose to leave this life for someone like me.
His father was okay with me right now, but I had a feeling that he wouldn't be okay if the two of us dated, especially since he was married to my mom.
I haven't had a chance to meet Xavier's grandpa, but him never passing by told me everything I needed to know—he didn't approve of my mom's marriage, and in extent, he probably wouldn't approve of me.
The gate in front of me opened, letting me into Violet's place, and before I could even reach the house, she was already sprinting down the driveway, coming right at me.
Her frantic face broke the last remnants of my resolve not to cry and before she could reach me, my knees gave out, letting me drop on the gravelly road as the sobs I fought so hard to keep in, broke free, shaking my entire body.
"I'm gonna kill him," was the first thing that came from her as she dropped down in front of me, wrapping me in her arms. "I'm gonna hire somebody to fucking kill him. Destroy him." And that only made me cry harder.
I couldn't tell her that Xavier wasn't at fault for the tears wrecking my entire body.
I couldn't tell her that this time I decided to break my own heart.
I couldn't admit to myself least of all her, that the moments with Xavier were some of the happiest moments of my life.
Maybe I couldn't because it made me sound pathetic, but whatever the reason was, I couldn't stop crying.
I couldn't stop the shaking in my body or the pain spreading from the center of my chest toward my lungs, my stomach and the rest of my body.
He had burrowed himself deep inside my DNA, and I knew there was no way I'd be able to live in this town and pretend I was okay with seeing him. Especially if he dated somebody. Especially if he brought them to the Country Club.
"I-I'm sorry," I sobbed in her chest, keeping my hands over my heart, wishing I could rip it out.
I've been so careful, so detached over the years, making sure no one ever got deep enough to make me feel this way. What made matters worse was the fact that he was everything I wanted. He came off as an arrogant son of a bitch, but I saw him when no one else was around.
I saw him helping the old people around town, making sure they had someone to at least carry their groceries. I saw him with animals, with little kids, with those less fortunate than him, and when he wasn't trying to destroy me with the venom on his tongue, he made me see him for who he truly was.
A good man.
A decent guy who could do so much better than me.
He was everything I wanted, probably everything I needed too, and I had to let him go.
I had to let him go even if it killed me, because I understood better than anyone else that no one could ever love a murderer.