Chapter 20 Yara
YARA
People often talk about heartbreak as something that could only ever happen if you're in a romantic relationship with someone, but no one ever talks about the heartbreak your parents could cause.
No one ever talks about the pain one could experience only from this type of heartbreak, because in reality, you never get over it.
They say time heals all wounds, but this is one wound that even time couldn't close.
There are no stitches strong enough that could patch up the cut in the middle of your heart.
There are no words that could make you feel better, when you know that the people who were supposed to love you the most are the same people who would want to see you dead.
And even when you know they don't deserve your forgiveness.
Even when you know they don't deserve your tears, you can't help yourself from still hoping that somehow, some day, your mother and father will turn and look at you with love in their eyes.
That someday they would admit they did something wrong so that you could patch up this chasm in your soul, because all you ever wanted was that hug that never came, and the soft words used as a balm when days seemed too hard and when life didn't make sense.
I always knew my mother didn't like my presence, but some part of me had kept on lying to itself, saying that it was just who she was, and she couldn't help it.
I kept telling myself that her behavior had nothing to do with me, but with the hard life she had to live through, as she so often reminded me of, and that she still loved me.
Seeing other mothers with their kids I couldn't understand how she couldn't love me.
She was the one that always reminded me of the fact that I had killed my own brother.
That if it wasn't for me my twin would be here, alive, making her proud, but I didn't take it the wrong way.
I knew it was a monstrous thing I had done, even though I don't remember it.
I knew it was something that haunted her and therefore me, but I thought it was just grief talking.
I thought there was some part of her that held at least an ounce of love for me.
But seeing her standing in the middle of this room, her features so much like my own, I quickly realized my mother never loved me.
I don't think she ever wanted me—not just me, but also my unborn brother for whose death she constantly blamed me.
I was just a means to an end. Just a pawn in her fucking game where she tried to keep my father, but even that didn't work.
And instead of getting the man she wanted, the fortune she had her eyes on, she was saddled with me.
A daughter she hated.
A daughter she wanted to get rid of.
"Oh get that surprised look from your face, Yara. You look ridiculous," she sneered, crossing her arms over her chest. "I thought I told you to do something with that hair of yours, but I see you've decided to look like a homeless person in the last couple of months since we went on our honeymoon."
I had no words. My mouth opened, but nothing came out, except for small sound of pain erupting somewhere from deep inside my chest.
I've read once that heartbreak wasn't a physical thing, but how could that be true when I could feel my entire chest sinking in, as if my heart decided to stop beating altogether. As if there was nothing that could or should keep me in this place.
"Seriously, Yara." She rolled her eyes, stepping back. "That look on your face is absolutely unnecessary. It's not like you wouldn't expect something like this." No, I wouldn't expect something like this, at least not from her.
My entire life I knew there was no one who would care enough if something happened to me, but my inner child still held onto the hope that she would wake up one day and realize how she behaved. That she would apologize. That she would hug me like I wanted her to all these years.
Everything I ever did was to try and please her.
The way I dressed before my senior year of high school.
The way I spoke, the activities I took, the grades I had, everything was for her.
I was shocked when she allowed me to get into the Art School at the University, but I could see why.
She didn't care anymore what I did because I wouldn't be around for much longer.
She didn't give a fuck about my whereabouts because she knew it would come down to this.
"Why?" That was the only question I had. Why would she do this? Why would she sell me out like this?
"It's nothing personal, Yara," that male voice I heard pulled my attention from her to him, and if my heart wasn't already laying at my feet, shattered from this previous realization, it would've now. "I hope you understand."
William fucking Thornton, Xavier's father, stood in front of me with my mother, hugging her to him as if this was just another Sunday lunch where we were pretending to be a happy family.
I pitied him when they got married, believing he was as kind as he presented himself to be, but now that the mask was off, I could truly see him for what he was.
Just another snake in this hellhole. Just another person I could add on the long list of people that have betrayed me.
"I hope you understand," he said coldly, "but it was always supposed to be like this.
Truth to be told, we were hoping we'd be able to complete this transaction earlier, but with Xavier attacking me, and my father breathing down my neck, we couldn't do it.
I had to wait a whole year to marry your mother, just to appease that old motherfucker.
" His words dripped with venom as the vein on his forehead popped while he spoke of his father.
"What are you talking about?" I asked while my mind tried connecting all the dots. He had to wait for one year? I thought they met after Sarah died, or was that just another lie?
William stepped closer to me, tilting his head as he looked down at me. "I don't think knowing the truth would change anything, but seeing as you won't be around much longer, I guess there's no harm in telling you."
"Telling me what?"
"William and I met four years ago," my mother said, but I couldn't look at her. Not anymore. I kept my eyes on William as she continued talking. "It was love at first sight, really," she laughed.
"Or an investment at first sight," William said.
Four years ago... I was fourteen four years ago. I was...
"Oh my God," I murmured, slowly realizing what was going on. "You started making me dress nicer, girly, paying attention to me four years ago," I said to my mom, this time looking at her. "You took all those photos of me..." I trailed off. Photos I never saw.
Photos that never made sense to me, but I was just so happy to do whatever she wanted because she finally started paying attention to me.
"We had a buyer for you," William added, slowly piecing the puzzle for me. "He loved your looks, and your age wasn't a problem, but then—"
"Your father happened," my mother spat out. "He somehow found out about my deal with William, and all of a sudden he started fighting harder for custody of you. I couldn't let that happen."
W-What? "What do you mean fighting harder?" My father was fighting for me?
"Oh silly girl." She snickered. "That motherfucker wanted you with him since you were born, but I knew it was the only way for me to get the money I was owed.
If he took you, where would that leave me, huh?
I would have to work and earn my own money, which wasn't exactly the kind of life I planned on having. "
What she was owed? "You are my mother," I whispered.
"I know." She rolled her eyes. "The worst decision I had ever made, but I thought it would get Jonathan to be with me, to provide for me if I got his kids and then you had to go and kill your own brother. Imagine if I had the two of you, what kind of money we would've been able to have."
"Money? You told me he never sent anything. You told me he only left small inheritance for me and that—"
"I lied!" she yelled out, shutting me up momentarily.
"I fucking lied to get you to shut up. You wouldn't stop crying for him.
You wouldn't stop asking for him and if he knew that he would've used it to take you from me.
So, I had to be innovative. I had to get you to hate him so that you would tell those social workers you were scared of him, that you wanted to stay with me. "
Oh my God.
I did that. I told them he scared me. I told them I wanted to stay with my mommy, because he made my mommy cry and I didn't like that. I... I was the reason why he never got custody of me. I was the reason why he barely ever saw me.
"He tried, so many times, but until he found out about my little deal, he was happy with occasional photos and videos.
You have to understand, the court made a decision to pull back the alimony he was paying me, only keeping the small amount for you, and I had no other choice. I had to do something."
And that something ended up being selling me.
"How could you?" I knew it was futile asking her these questions, but I needed to know. I had to fucking know how could she try to sell her only child.
Even animals cared for their young, no matter what. Even fucking monsters would protect their kids no matter what, but not my mother.
"She deserved better, Yara," William added. "She deserves the world, and your father didn't want to give it to her."
"So you sold my pictures to some pedophile from God knows where?
" I could feel the wetness on my cheeks, but I no longer cared that they saw my pain.
I wanted them to see, not because I thought they would care, but because I wanted them to know that the little girl they wanted to traffic would be the one that would destroy their lives.