Chapter Thirty
February
F inn selected another lily—this one pink—and bundled it with the others he’d collected into a messy bouquet. It had been some time since he’d visited the hot house. It had been the place to find his mother and sister during the cold winter months when the gardens had fallen to decay.
Finn’s father had built a second one when the first had been overrun with blooming plants. After Finn’s mother had died, Juniper spent even more time in here. It was where she was often found painting. He would sit with her and tell her his thoughts on things that were happening in the House of Lords, or with a tenant. He realized now, how she rarely gave her opinion, but instead allowed him to talk through the matter until he’d stumbled upon what to do.
“I miss you,” he whispered. How he would like to speak to her now about Lily and all the feelings he didn’t know what to do with.
He tied the bunch together with a bit of string and then thought Lily might want a bouquet as well. Not lilies though. While there were no violets growing inside, he collected daisies and a few purple hyacinths.
“You would like her, June,” he said after looking about to make sure the gardener wasn’t around. “She’s bright and funny. You should hear her play.” He smiled, thinking of the times they’d spent in the music room. His thoughts went to those other times when he stopped her from playing so he might take her there on the pianoforte.
For obvious reasons, he wouldn’t mention that to the memories of his sister. Instead, other words came out. Concerns he hadn’t put a voice to or consciously allowed himself to think about. But as the time drew near for the child to be born, he had begun to worry.
“I fear she feels grateful, June. It was easy enough to swoop in and do the right thing. She’s said I’ve saved her life, but I’m no hero. I was selfish to hold onto her the way I did. I’d been so lonely and she needed me. It was wonderful to have someone need me. But I wish it was more.”
He shook his head.
“Don’t get me wrong, there is much to be happy with having Lily as my wife. It’s only that I wish she hadn’t agreed to marry me simply because it was the only option that didn’t end in scandal. I’ll never know if she would have chosen me otherwise.”
He let out a sigh.
“I know, I can practically hear you scolding me for not being pleased with the blessings I have. I am. Soon, we will be a family. She is a delightful woman. Someone I would have chosen if I’d met her in a ballroom and had the opportunity to get to know her. But, would she have said yes, if she’d had another choice?”
With a final sigh, he tied a string around the second bundle and headed for the house. He would be happy. He had no reason not to be.
Inside, he found his wife sitting in the drawing room looking out the window with her hand lovingly caressing the large bulge of her belly.
He often found her like this, deep in thought, and he wished he had the courage to ask her what she was thinking. Did she regret marrying him? Did she still think of the man she’d planned to marry? Finn knew she was angry at him for what he’d done, as evident by her endless names for the blighter. But that was no guarantee she didn’t also love and miss him.
When she noticed he’d entered the room, she turned, and he watched as her face lit up with happiness. But just as anger didn’t prove a lack of love, happiness didn’t prove the existence of it either.
“Hello,” she said as he leaned down to kiss her. “What are these for?” she asked as he handed over one of the bouquets.
“I was picking a bunch for June’s grave and thought my wife should like a bit of color on this very dreary day.”
“You are going to take those to the cemetery?” she asked while shifting her legs down from the settee and rubbing her back.
“Aye, it is the anniversary of her death. I’d like to pay a visit.”
She turned to look out the window and then back at him.
“Might I go with you? At least for the walk. I can stay back if you wish privacy, I just want to get out of the house a bit.”
Finn shook his head.
“Nay, it is too far to walk. And up a hill. There are icy patches about. I’ll not have you fall and injure yourself when you are soon to give birth to our child.”
She frowned but then brightened again.
“Might we take a wagon, so I wouldn’t need to walk? I need some fresh air, Finn. I feel confined in the house.”
“I’m not certain, but I think that might be why they call it confinement. You are supposed to stay close to the house when your time comes so you are not caught unprepared.”
“If you allow me to go along, I promise not to go into labor.” She even held her hands clasped in front of her to sway him with her begging. If she knew how much those big gray eyes destroyed his defenses he would never win another argument.
“I don’t think you have control over such things.”
“I will hold the baby in until we’ve returned to the house. Please, Finn. I am going to go mad if I must sit inside another day.”
He looked her over, taking in the roundness of her large stomach and the child snuggled warmly within. Finn was responsible for both of them. Keeping them safe and happy. But what was he to do when the safe thing made her miserable?
“Do you even think you could climb up in the gig?” he asked, earning a chilly glare from her before he winked.
“Please, Finn,” she begged. This time with a sultry pout. “When we come back, we will need to warm up.”
A woman in her condition should not be so alluring, yet her offer caused his cock to twitch with interest.
“Very well. But you must hold onto me and allow me to help you.”
“I’ll not let go of you. Ever.”
When she smiled at him like that, it was his heart that twitched with interest. He would need to be patient. Loving marriages had begun with worse things than the friendship and attraction he and Lily shared.
She was his wife. They had all their lives together.
*
Bundled up in her warmest cloak, Lily breathed in the cold February air as she stepped outside the house for the first time in more than a month.
It was a horribly gray day for an outing, but she couldn’t sit by the window any longer, thinking. Her thoughts had the habit of turning even gloomier than the weather outside.
As the baby’s arrival came closer, Lily often found herself worrying about all manner of things. Would she be a good mother?
She was certain that was a common concern for most mothers at this point in their confinement, but Lily had other concerns as well.
Would her child favor Reggie with his blond hair and dark eyes? Lily had had blond hair as a child so it wouldn’t be questioned if her child was fair, but the eyes might give them away. Reggie’s eyes were dark as a moonless night. Dark as his soul.
Thoughts of what her child might look like often transformed into worry over what Finn might think having to look at another man’s eyes in the child he planned to call his own.
Would he come to resent their son or daughter? A son that would become his heir?
Lily often found herself bargaining with God that the child be a girl so she could be loved as Juniper had been without any other complications with the dukedom.
Finn had assured her many times that this child would be loved as a Lockhart, blood or no. But once she began down that trail of worry it was difficult to escape.
If that were not enough, she’d become such a burden on him and his household. She grew tired easily and barely made it through dinner without nodding off, making it difficult to play in the evenings. Finn had said he didn’t mind, but hadn’t her playing been the way she repaid him for his kindness?
Worst of all was that she knew if she voiced any of these concerns to Finn, he might well get angry at her. So she kept them inside where they festered and grew like an insidious weed. Choking out any joy she’d managed to hold onto.
It was why this excursion was so necessary. She needed to get away from these fears that gripped hold of her each day.
It had not been a graceful thing, getting her in the gig, but her dear husband only chuckled the one time.
“Thank you,” she said as he drove them up the hill toward the cemetery. She had much to be thankful for, but for now she was thanking him for allowing her to leave the house.
“I’m holding you to your promise,” he said.
She patted the bump. “Not today, little one.”
She expected to remain in the gig when they arrived at the cemetery, so she was surprised when Finn reached up to help her down. Not only because of his privacy, but the sheer difficulty in getting her back in. Or perhaps he found that amusing.
“You don’t wish to be alone?” she asked.
“You well know how much I detest being alone.”
Yes. It was the reason he’d offered marriage, so he would have companionship. She scolded herself for thinking such things as her booted feet settled on the crunchy grass.
His arm came firmly around her to offer support as he held the bouquet for his sister in the other hand. He led her to one of the tallest stones in the plot. She knew from past visits that marked the grave of the previous duke. Finn’s father, whom he’d loved. Next to him, was Finn’s mother and a tiny stone marking the son that died only hours after being born. Another one of Lily’s fears reared up.
Finn must have felt her body tense for he held her closer.
“Watch your step,” he softly reminded. He must have thought she’d slipped.
She nodded as they came to stop at the stone that marked Juniper’s grave.
Lily envied the love Finn had for his sister. For all the siblings Lily possessed, she didn’t think any of them would bring flowers to her grave. Lily felt as if she knew the other woman after hearing all the stories Finn had shared with her.
“She would have been a wonderful auntie,” Lily said.
Finn smiled and nodded. “She would have spoiled our child to rot,” he said without heat.
She’d been thinking of something she wanted to ask him, and decided now was the right time.
“If the child is a girl, I was thinking we should name her Juniper. What do you think?” Lily asked. It was the first time she’d brought up the topic of naming the child. She’d worried what might happen during the birth or after so naming the child seemed a taunt to Fate.
Finn turned to her in surprise. For a moment she couldn’t tell if he was angry or upset. Did he wish to save that name for a child of his own blood? But then he smiled as his eyes glistened.
“Are you certain? That would be lovely. Yes. Thank you.”
“Unless you’d rather wait,” she added when she should have remained silent.
The smile faded from Finn’s face replaced by confusion and then irritation.
“Lily, this is our child.”
“As far as others know, yes, but we know differently and I don’t wish to assume anything.”
He frowned and shook his head.
“I don’t know differently. I know this is my child and I will love them just as I will love the rest of the children we are blessed to have.”
“Of course. I’m sorry.” He’d said as much many times and at some point she needed to believe him.
With a nod, he turned and placed the flowers on his sister’s grave.
“I cannot believe it has been two years since she passed. It is as cold and dreary as it had been that day.”
“As if the weather were set by your feelings,” she said, giving his hand a squeeze.
“Yes. I do feel rather cold and stormy. Though I am thankful I am no longer alone.”
He’d often told her how grateful he was for her companionship. It seemed selfish for her to wish he enjoyed her company particularly. He had given her so much to be grateful for. A home, the protection of his name, and most of all he was claiming her child as his own.
Her life was so much better than it would have been. She remembered her concerns of ending up in a convent or a brothel.
Still, she wished to have his heart.
For she had come to love him. How could she not? He was all that was honorable and kind. Doing her best to be grateful for what she had, she gave his arm a pat and gasped at the warmth she felt run down her legs.
“Oh.”
Finn turned to her, expectantly, but she didn’t answer. At least, not with words. Instead, she simply grasped her stomach and looked down.
“Do not tell me it is time. Not when you insisted on coming out all this way and promised everything would be fine. I’ll not have my child born in a cemetery, Lily.”
“Then we should return home. Now.”
“Now.”