Chapter 22
Ava woke in a large bed that was not her own. She had never been in this room. It took her a moment to register her surroundings. Pillows propped her body up.
She made to turn her head, and white-hot pain flared in her shoulder. “Owww!” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a large stick. She faced it and panicked when she saw that the stick was an arrow jutting out of her arm.
Warm hands immediately cupped her face, and a soft voice murmured soothing words. She looked up to find Caden staring down at her.
“Ye need to relax, Ava,” he instructed calmly. “Moving will only make the arrow sink deeper.”
Arrow?
The back of her head throbbed, and she was confused, but the fog slowly cleared. The lake…Kilmartin. Searing pain radiated from her shoulder to her chest, up her neck, and down her arm.
She nodded, and a bolt of pain zinged down her arm.
“Shhh, stay still. notDaenae say anythin’, and try to relax.” Caden slowly breathed in and out, and she followed him.
The pain subsided slightly.
“Good.” He brushed her hair from her face. “I need to remove the arrow, Ava. Is that all right?”
Tears sprang to her eyes, and fear gripped her. She nodded, when more memories came flooding back.
“Nathan?” She looked around, ignoring the agony in her shoulder. She had to make sure he was safe and not watching this. “Where is he? Is he hurt?”
“Shh.” Caden rested a hand on her forehead, coaxing her back down. “He’s safe with Finlay.”
He ran his fingers through her hair to calm her. It felt soothing and somewhat distracted her from the arrow in her shoulder.
Then he readied the hot water and the cloths and hovered over her, a grimace twisting his face.
“Do ye ken what ye’re doing?” Ava teased with a smirk, if only to distract herself, trying to make light of this horrible situation.
“Aye,” he reassured her. “I’ve done this many a time in battle. Now, drink this.”
He held a glass of whiskey to her mouth and made her drink every last drop. It soothed her nerves after a few moments. Then he gave her another glass, which she downed quickly. The room spun slightly.
“Good. But be warned, it willnae take the pain away completely. This will hurt.”
Ava braced herself, as he filled another glass of whiskey, this time pouring it onto her wound. Before she could question him, he broke the arrow in half, and then pulled the part that was still piercing her flesh from her shoulder. She screamed with every tug and pull.
Never before had she felt such pain. Each tug felt like punishment for a sin she had not committed. At that moment, she wished for the sweet release of oblivion.
Finally, she was granted it when she passed out. Right the moment before everything turned black, she thought she heard Caden say “I’m sorry” like it was a prayer and she his goddess. What an absurd dream that had been.
Sometime later, she woke up still in Caden’s bed. The light outside had dimmed to purple and orange hues. Sitting up, she noticed the arrow was gone, and in its place lay a bandage. Her shoulder was clean of the gore, and Caden was washing the blood from his hands in the basin at the corner.
He turned to face her, his clothes still covered in the blood of the men he killed. “Ah, ye’re awake.”
He walked over to the bed, the mask still hiding half of his face. He wiped his hands with a cloth.
“How are ye feeling?”
“Tired, and me head hurts, but me shoulder feels much better without that blasted thing in it,” she admitted.
“It will leave a scar. Luckily, the arrow was intact; there were no splinters. Ye will be just fine once the wound heals.” He looked at her, but his eyes were distant.
Ava’s stomach turned. Something felt off. He felt distant and like she could not reach him. Maybe it was just the exhaustion and pain that made her see things oddly. She did chug down two glasses of whiskey, after all.
“Thank ye, Caden,” she said with a smile.
She had expected a reaction to her saying his name. She felt he had finally earned her respect, and she wanted to show it along with her gratitude.
Caden did not return her smile. It was as if he had been replaced with a different man before she woke up. He stood ramrod straight, his expression inscrutable.
Ava wanted to find out what was wrong. Maybe he had been hurt.
“How… how are ye feelin’ after such an…” No word seemed fitting for the hellscape that was today. “Intense morning?”
“I’m sorry I didnae make him suffer more,” Caden said darkly.
A shadow had flashed across his face that she had never seen before. She almost did not recognize him.
Sure, he was threatening and brooding, but this was different. A side to him she did not understand.
“He should have begged me for mercy,” Caden growled.
Ava gasped, then clamped her mouth shut. This was not the man she had come to know and respect.
“Caden…” she trailed off, pulling the blanket up to her chin.
“He seduced and killed me sister, Ava. He almost killed ye.” He clenched his fists and shook his head.
They fell silent for a long moment.
Ava just wanted him to keep talking, so she could figure out how to fix whatever was wrong. She tried a different means of getting him to open up.
“At least now ye ken that it wasnae Joanna who set the castle on fire that day.” Ava tried to soften his mood with what she saw as a blessing.
Caden shook his head, as if he was not listening, or at least, he did not agree with her. She pressed on.
“Now ye ken that she loved Nathan and didnae try to kill herself in despair. It wasnae love that ruined her,” she pressed. “It was Kilmartin’s hunger for revenge.”
“Aye. Nay, maybe she had nae lost her mind enough take her own life, or her child’s, but caring did drive her mad.
She begged Kilmartin to marry her, she ruined her life.
Caring did kill her, in a way,” Caden sighed and turned toward the basin, tossing the rag into it.
“I almost lost ye because I cared. And Nathan.” He clenched his fists, and chewed at the side of his cheek.
This was not like her husband. At all.
“I daenae understand. Ye saved us because ye cared, did ye nae?” Ava tried to sit up, but the pain in her shoulder kept her down.
“I was distracted, Ava.” Caden shook his head in shame and started pacing.
“What distracted ye?” she asked, more confused than ever. “I thought we had a lovely time.”
“We did, and that’s the problem I was having a good time when I shouldnae have been.
” His pacing made her anxious. “I missed the signs of an attack. Nay one would have snuck up on us if I had been focused. If I did me duty…” He stopped and looked her square in the eye.
A deep breath lifted his shoulders. “None of this would have happened if I didnae care.”
Her chest tightened. Confusion and exhaustion fogged her mind. She pushed herself to the edge of the bed to clear her head, which only pounded harder.
“Oh… I…” She swallowed. She only had so much fight in her.
She braced herself before putting it all on the line.
“I thought that after today’s revelations, we might be able to start over… spend more time together… and maybe—”
“Nay.” Caden’s tone was final. “I almost lost ye because I wasnae careful. Because I cared about ye when I shouldnae have. I willnae risk that again.”
That was it then. His walls were back up, and she was sure this time she could not reach him.
“Ye saved us because ye cared.” She repeated slowly as she furrowed her brow.
He was not making any sense. Why was he not fighting for her?
“I daenae understand ye.”
Caden’s face hardened. “I’m a very simple man, lass. Me duty to me family and me clan comes above all.”
Ava felt like she had been slapped across the face.
The room fell quiet for several minutes, before she bravely asked, “And yer duty to yer wife?”
His lips pressed together. “I told ye from day one what I wanted and needed. That did nae change just because of whatever feelings I might have had for ye wife.”
She heard him loud and clear. And she was done fighting.
“I see.” She rose from the bed, dizzy with pain that was more than physical. She stood in front of him, staring down at her feet. “Thank ye for tendin’ to me wound, me Laird.”
With that, she made for the door.
At the threshold, she steeled herself and turned to look at him, only to find the same stony mask.
Fine, have it yer way, husband.
“I would like us to live separately from now on, as we agreed at our wedding.” She stood straight and waited.
Caden said nothing; he only nodded. His walls were up, and there was no point in trying to break through them.
“Although I have another stipulation.” She rolled her shoulders back. “I willnae give ye another heir, but I am happy to raise Nathan as me own.”
“Ava…” he sighed as she stepped into the hallway.
She paused, her back to him. “And I do have one piece of advice, as yer wife. Ye should leave the past behind ye. Ye arenae yer wounds, me Laird.”
She walked back to him and looked up into his face, searching for any sign that he would change his mind. Cold determination and distance were all she saw.
Gently, she reached up to his face and stroked his jaw just under the mask, before slipping a finger under the silk and slowly removing it. Gently, she traced a finger over the raised skin around his eye and across his cheek.
Caden did not move. Ava did not flinch or show surprise at the gruesome sight. It did not matter to her what he looked like.
“Ye are much more than yer scars.” She stepped back and walked to the door, allowing the pain to harden her heart.
The cold metal of the handle bit into her hand, strengthening her resolve to leave. Caden did not follow her. The click of the door echoed through the entire castle.
A sense of finality settled into her gut. It was over.
She walked down the torchlit hallway to Nathan’s room, needing to check that he was all right. She found him sleeping peacefully in his bed, the silvery moonlight highlighting his cheeks.
She was finally able to take a deep breath.
The events of the day flashed before her in rapid succession. It hit her like a punch to the gut: Gregor Kilmartin was Nathan’s father. The man she had feared marrying was the father of the little boy.
His men had shot her and meant to kidnap Nathan. Her husband had killed Kilmartin and saved her.
Despair wrapped its claws around her heart. She heard Nathan’s screams and sobs over the clash of steel. Visions of gore and blood played over and over in her mind.
How will he ever recover from this? How will we ever recover?
She crawled into bed next to him and pulled him to her, letting her tears spill over. She would only cry once over Caden and what had happened today. She needed to be strong for Nathan, especially if she was going to raise him without Caden by her side.
I’m so foolish to think I could be happy in this marriage.
“At least I have ye,” she whispered softly while stroking his cheek.
“Ma,” Nathan sighed.
She held him tightly and cried herself to sleep.
Caden’s heart cracked, and he rested his head against his door. The right side of his face tingled in the cold air. Never had anyone seen his face and not had a reaction before.
The image of Ava’s hurt expression was seared into his mind. The pain in her shoulder, the hurt from his decision, then… nothing. There had been no emotion on her face. She had closed herself off to him, just as he had done to her.
Good.
It was the right thing, he knew, but he wished…
Daenae wish, Caden. It will only hurt her and ye in the end. Ye need to be focused. Ye have to protect the clan. Otherwise, this will happen again. Who kens what will happen next time? It could be Nathan who gets hurt or worse.
Caden refused to let anyone else he cared for die. It was too much to bear, not being able to save Joanna and his father. He could not very well lose his wife and nephew.
Despite his best efforts, his heart called out to Ava and Nathan.
Against his better judgment, he made a decision. He would allow himself to pretend, just for a moment, that he chose her. That she was truly and freely his to love and cherish.
A tear rolled down his cheek.
He quietly opened the door and saw her walking in the direction of Nathan’s room. As silently as if he were hunting a stag, he trailed after her at a distance.
The torches threw his shadow against the wall… until he paused outside the door to the little boy’s room. He pressed his back against the adjacent wall, listening as his wife cried herself to sleep.
He felt the urge to go to her. To beg for forgiveness and her love. He would do anything, anything to win her favor.
He imagined spending lazy mornings with her, tangled in the sheets. Her body would clench and quiver under his touch, and their joy would be complete. He pictured a babe in her arms and Nathan standing nearby, looking like a proud brother. Ava would make a beautiful mother.
His mouth went dry at the thought.
But then he remembered her crumpled body, unconscious next to him in the sleigh. He remembered Nathan’s shrill screams. He remembered nearly losing to Kilmartin all over again.
There were other clans, other enemies. And who knew if anyone from Clan MacAinsley would seek revenge. He had no idea if anyone else knew that Nathan was Kilmartin’s heir.
Would anyone come for him? Would they seek revenge against him for killing their leader?
Battles over land were already painful to face; losing his family would be a thousand times more painful. Terror gripped his heart and mind.
He could never be vulnerable again. Never would he put his family at risk. He would die before he would let anyone hurt them.
It would never be possible for him to be happy and keep them safe. He had to be alert, sharp, on edge, ready for battle at all times. He had a village to protect as well. He could not afford distractions.
Besides, he would only end up hurting Ava and Nathan with his temper and moodiness. They were better off without him.
He would be here if they needed protection, and nothing more. They would live separate lives, and he would fulfill his duties until the end of his days.
He peeked through the door, watching as they slept peacefully in the moonlight.
Enough.
He pushed off the wall and returned to his bedchambers.