Chapter 14 #4
“I would never pity you. I care about you, and I can sympathize with the things you’ve gone through and still know you’re a …
” Catching herself, she gave him a quick grin and amended, “Not a hero, okay? I’ll say you’re an amazing man.
An incredible man. A man who just showed me that sex can be better than I ever imagined. How’s that?”
“I’ll take the sex compliment.” Right now, that one felt most important because if she liked being with him, he might be able to expand their relationship. For his part, he already craved more of her.
“I know you better than you think.” She punctuated her words with a kiss. “Because you’re mine.”
Now, that he especially liked. “I’ve never had anyone to call my own. My father was never really mine, so I had no reason to want to keep him. My mother was restless and unmoored, and since she didn’t totally claim me, there was no reason to claim her.”
Thoughts going inward, he recalled his brothers, each face, their distinct personalities, all of them so different and unique.
“I had my brothers … but they were killed.” As always, that boulder settled on his chest, making breathing difficult.
Grief squeezed his throat until he thought he would choke on it.
And then Pixie stroked his jaw. “I’m sure you still think of them often.”
Though his eyes were dry, he felt as if he had to rub them anyway, so he scrubbed both hands over his face—and brought himself under control.
“I could have had Connie, but I let her go. I won’t make that mistake with Shayna.
I don’t know what type of parent I’ll be, whether I’ll be able to handle the daily tasks as well as you do, or the times of near disaster as well as Ellen did.
But I know I’ll do my best, and I know myself to be competent. I learn quickly.”
“I’ve never doubted it,” Pixie said quietly, her hands still on him, barely moving in gestures of comfort.
It felt so good, like warm flannel on a cold day, or an icy drink in the suffocating heat.
Didn’t she realize how stunning she was, not just in looks, with her heart-shaped face, big blue eyes, and soft lips, but in the way she embraced life and the people she cared about? The love she put out into the world?
He knew.
“Pixie …” It was a fragile moment, and he didn’t want to push too fast.
“You can tell me anything, Brogan.”
Okay, fine. He’d see if that was true. “It’s not just Shayna I want to keep and protect. It’s you, and that’s dangerous.”
“Caring about someone isn’t dangerous,” she countered. A touch of happiness lifted the corners of her mouth, giving her the gentlest smile. “I care about you, too. A lot.”
In such a short time, his entire life had changed. He’d thought to retire after a long career in the military. He’d never considered being a parent, and he’d never expected to fall in love.
“You’re still troubled,” she said, as if reading his mind. “You can tell me anything, you know. Everything. I want to know it all. The upbringing you had, your struggles, and your accomplishments in the military.” Her gaze searched his. “The losses you’ve suffered and the injuries you’ve had.”
She wanted to know every ugly aspect of his life. There were plenty, and he wasn’t proud of them. Just the opposite. It often shamed him to know he’d meant so little to the world.
But Pixie cared. He mattered to Shayna. And Andy had already stolen his heart. These were his people, the ones he wanted in his life. He loved each of them.
Maybe this was a mistake. It wasn’t right to burden her, yet for the first time in his life, he wanted to share. It was the only way he’d be able to make her understand how important she was to him. Still, he gave her one last opportunity to skip the drama. “You have to be getting tired.”
“No, sir. I’m wide awake and enjoying quiet conversation—and nudity—with a remarkable man who burst into my life and showed me everything I was missing.”
He gave a gruff laugh. “So you were missing me, huh?”
In a heartbeat, she grew serious. “Oh, Brogan, I was. So much.”
Skimming a kiss over her shoulder, he whispered, “I think I was missing you, too.”
Her smile trembled. “Tell me about your mom, about being a kid, and how you got so strong.”
Brogan gave up the battle. Pixie was his own unique form of comfort, and he wanted more.
“When I was ten or eleven, somewhere in there, I got home late.”
“How late?”
“I don’t know. It was dark, though. Mom didn’t keep tabs on me, as long as I didn’t cause trouble.”
He saw the way Pixie braced herself. “What did she say when you came in?”
“She wasn’t around. That wasn’t unusual,” he hurried to explain, “but it was unusual to find part of a bucket of fried chicken on the counter. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, so I dug in.”
Trying and failing to hide her thoughts, Pixie said, “I can almost picture that.”
As a kid, it hadn’t seemed strange to him to run the streets without supervision.
Yeah, it was a wonder he’d survived. “I’ve always had a big appetite, and I guess I wasn’t thinking about anyone but myself because I ate four pieces.
” He could still recall the taste of the chicken that day. Cold and greasy, but such a treat.
“I bet you were a big kid.”
“I guess so.” He thought of himself at that age.
He couldn’t remember ever feeling small, just insignificant.
“Mom came in, and, man, she blew a gasket because I’d only left a wing.
I guess she’d just run out to get beer, and she’d planned on returning to eat the chicken herself.
That’s why it wasn’t put away. I remember her asking me what the hell I thought I was doing, eating it all. ”
Eyes widening at the turn in the story, Pixie pressed a lingering kiss to his chest, right over the spot where his heart beat a steady rhythm.
“Man, I got flippant and said I was hungry. I said the chicken was there and she wasn’t, and I didn’t know if she’d be back that night or the next.”
“Dear God,” Pixie whispered. “That happened? And you were only ten?”
It had happened often. His mother was as unpredictable as the weather. In lieu of an answer, Brogan shrugged. “Mom lost it.” He recalled so vividly how she’d carried on. It had been a turning point for him, a day of stark reality. “She threw the empty bucket at me, and then she threw the bones.”
“Brogan!”
“She didn’t hurt me,” he soothed. Not physically. Emotionally, he’d been devastated by the things she’d said. As much to himself, as to Pixie, he explained, “She was only making her point.”
“No, she wasn’t. She was being deliberately cruel and violent, so don’t you dare make excuses for her.”
“I guess your reaction means you know I’d never, not under any circumstances, do something like that to a child?”
“Of course you wouldn’t! You’re not like that.”
“Shh. You’ll wake the kids.” No, he wasn’t at all like either of his parents—and her knowing it mattered a lot.
Some of her words had stuck with him, forever embedded in his brain.
“Mom said I was lucky to have a place to come back to, that she and my father hadn’t wanted me, but at least she’d kept me. ”
At least I kept you. That’s more than your goddamned father did.
He would never forget that statement. It had changed everything. He’d gone to bed that night vowing that he’d take control of his life, that he’d make something of himself and prove to both his mother and his father that he was worthwhile.
Being pragmatic at an early age had prepared Brogan for hard lessons.
“Mom had to do everything on her own. Because of me, her life was difficult.” She’d never failed to remind him of that.
“Neither of them had wanted me, but Mom was right. At least she’d given me a place to live.
I had a mattress to sleep on, and heat in the winter and a fan in the summer.
There was always food to eat.” He gave a smile. “Just not her food.”
“It’s not funny,” Pixie said with tears in her voice. She gave him another fierce hug.
Maybe not, but it had been a valuable lesson. “I decided fast food wasn’t for me, not unless I worked, made money, and bought it myself. Or if she offered to share, which she did occasionally.”
“I’m very glad you’re here with me now, where you are definitely wanted.”
He shifted them around until she was on her back and he was over her, one large hand cupping her face.
“That’s exactly what I was trying to say to you.
I went my whole life without realizing how nice that is.
” Her blue eyes were full of emotion, and he loved it.
He loved her. “I like this feeling a lot, Pixie. I swear to you, I will do my best to take care of you. To make you feel as good as you make me feel.”
She swallowed heavily and sniffled. “I swear I’ll always do my best to take care of you, too.”
Frozen in time, they stared at each other, their gazes locked until slowly, very slowly, Brogan’s mouth began to curl.
“You’re amazing.” He nuzzled her lips, playfully at first and then with more sensual intent.
“Pixie Nolan, with the beautiful spirit, the sexy body, and the sweetest way with words I’ve ever heard. ”
“I can’t get over that you like my body.” Before he could protest, she said, “At the moment, with you kissing me, it doesn’t even matter. You matter. We matter.”
Like a family.
To Brogan, it felt as if they’d just exchanged vows. For now, that was enough for him.