Chapter 33
THIRTY-THREE
NATE
Whoever said time heals all wounds was a liar.
Granted, this is just the second morning since Paige was here, but that’s beside the point.
I woke up this morning with the worst headache I’ve ever had. There’s a gnawing, bleeding feeling in the pit of my stomach and, no matter how I move or what I drink, it’s still there. It’s from the loss of her. I’m not ignorant.
If I knew where she was and that she was okay and safe, and that someone was taking care of her, it would be better. Maybe.
As much as it pains me, it’s almost worse that I can’t be confident that she’s okay. I had Shaye call her last night. Paige didn’t answer but texted her that she was busy and wouldn’t be working this week. She also requested that Shaye please let someone know …
Fuck.
I’m torn from my thoughts by the little feet tapping the floor. Ryder’s standing in the doorway, frowning.
I’m so sorry, my boy.
“Oh,” he says.
My heart squeezes. I turn the stove off and move the eggs to a cold burner. Please let me know what to say.
This is what I was worried about. This is why I wanted to find someone ready to settle down. Yet even though Paige is gone, I don’t regret having her here. Not at all.
She brought a light into our lives. She gave us a taste of what could be. She showed me … us what we were missing.
I look at my son and, although I hurt for him, I know he’ll be okay. He’s strong. He’s like me.
“Hey, buddy,” I say. “Want some breakfast?”
“Where’s Paige Stage?”
I take a deep breath. “She had some stuff to do.”
“Is she coming back?”
My eyes close. I can’t lie to him. “I hope so.”
He shifts his weight from one foot to the other. “Her stuff is gone. I looked.”
“She had to take it with her. What was she supposed to do? Go naked?”
He almost grins. I wish I could too …
“Let’s eat breakfast. You can come to work with me today if you want to. I’m just doing paperwork.”
I hope this brings a smile to his face. He loves hanging out in my office and snacking on the chips and Sprites that the girls pretend to sneak into my office.
Like Paige used to do.
I move to get our plates, even though I’m positive neither of us has an appetite. But we have to keep going until I can figure out what to do.
“Daddy?”
My throat burns as I face him.
His bottom lip quivers. “She’s not coming back, is she?”
“Ryder, I …” I gather all of my courage.
How do I answer him when I have no clue if Paige will come back? How do I avoid breaking his heart? I
go with honesty. “I don’t know.”
The green eyes that usually sparkle with mischief now blur with tears. The sight of it stabs me in the heart.
“Then we have to go get her,” he says, his voice on the verge of panic. “We have to go, Dad.”
I wish we could, buddy.
“Why are you standing there? Huh?” He stomps his foot, his face red with anger. “You can’t just let her leave.”
“It’s not that easy,” I say, my voice cracking. “She’s a grown-up. We can’t make her stay here if she doesn’t want to.”
“But she does want to. She loves me. I know she loves me.”
“Ryder …”
Tears flow does his little, rosy cheeks in rivers. “I will go find her if you won’t.”
“I’m trying. I promise you I am.”
“Then try harder because she needs us. She needs us, Dad. She’s probably scared wherever she is and we are just here eating breakfast. She’ll think we don’t love her.”
I reach for him but he smacks my hand away. He’s angry … with me.
I wish I could explain it to him in adult language and make him see that sometimes things don’t work out. But he can’t grasp those concepts yet.
Damn it.
“Paige knows we love her,” I say as calmly as I can, swallowing the surge of emotion welling in my throat. “I promise you that she knows that.”
“She’s counting on us, Dad. She thinks you’re the best dad ever. She told me that.” His eyes widen. “She said you’re a very good man and you’ll always keep me safe. You aren’t like her dad.”
My eyes burn. I don’t rub them because I’m afraid I’ll cry. I can’t cry in front of him, even if my world is falling apart, because he needs me to be strong.
“I will keep you safe,” I say, touched by Paige’s words.
“Well, you love her too. So why are you just letting her be out there with monsters?”
Oh, my boy.
I grab him and lift him into a hug. He squirms, upset with me, but settles as I hold him.
I’m not sure who needs who more right now.
Ryder pulls away and takes my face in his hands. His breath smells like he ate a pudding in the middle of the night and his eyes look like he’s just wrestled one of the monsters under his bed.
“Listen to me,” he says, squishing my lips together.
He stares into my eyes like we’re about to discuss the end of the world. Maybe we are—the end of our world as we know it.
“I’m listening,” I say as clearly as I can.
He’s undeterred. “You are the only one of us that’s not scared of anything. You have to be the grown-up and be responsible. Okay?”
“Okay.”
He leaves his eyes pinned to mine to drive home his point. Like I don’t already understand.
I set him on his feet. He straightens his shirt and huffs back to the doorway.
“No work today. We’re gonna find Paige,” he says, storming down the hallway. “I’m tired of you being lazy about it.”
He slams his door.
I exhale, wishing I had the strength to walk to his room and tell him to open and close his door properly. But who cares right now?
“There’s nothing like being put in your place by a seven-year-old,” I mutter, massaging my temples.
There isn’t an easy fix to this mess. I can’t respect her boundaries and give her the space she needs and still be happy. And like Ryder said, I don’t think Paige can be happy either.
But why does she want space? Why can’t she be here? Why did she tell me she loves me but she has to go?
It doesn’t make sense.
I toss the eggs down the garbage disposal. No one is eating this morning. I start towards the shower when my phone rings.
My heart leaps in my chest, hoping it’s my girl.
It’s a number I don’t know. Instead of sending it to voicemail, like I usually do, I take a chance.
“Hello?” I ask, holding my breath.
“Is this Nate?”
“Yeah. Who is this?”
“Hi, Nate. This is Hollis Hudson. Paige’s brother.”
“Is she okay? Is everything all right?” I ask, pacing the kitchen.
He sighs. “She’s fine physically, if that’s what you mean. Nothing has happened to her.”
“Fuck,” I say, blowing out a breath. “That’s good to know.”
There’s a pause, a long moment of silence as the conversation switches gears. We go from the courtesy period to … whatever he’s calling about. And by the stretch of quiet, I’m not sure it’s going to go well.
I stand next to the dishwasher and wait.
“We don’t know each other well,” he begins. “I’ve been in your bar many times. We have lunch there on the first Friday of every month. So we’ve met but never met, if you know what I mean.”
“I do.”
“But I’m going to cut the shit and talk to you like I know you, if that’s all right.”
Here we go. “Definitely.”
“I’m standing in the middle of my backyard to talk to you so my sister doesn’t hear me.”
She’s at Hollis’s. Noted.
“She’s a wreck,” he says. “And I just … This isn’t my place to get involved. I know that. But I can’t sit here and watch her torture herself.”
“I don’t want her doing that either. I don’t … I don’t even know what fucking happened. Everything was fine. She left to have lunch with her friends and the next thing I know, she’s done. She’s standing here in tears telling me she needs space.”
Hollis groans. “I don’t know how much to say without disrespecting her privacy. So, let me ask you this. Be honest with me. No games.” He takes a breath. “What’s your deal with Paige? What are you thinking? What are your intentions?”
I run a hand down my face and release a tight laugh.
“What are my intentions? I fucking love her, Hollis. This girl has my heart in her hands. My only intention is to make her happy. To give her a soft place to land. To give her the best life, a family, whatever I can, to see her smile every fucking day. All right? That’s my intention here. Good enough?”
“So if you love her, if you know her, then you know some of the shit she’s been through.”
“Yeah. She’s shared some of that with me. You two had a rough time of it.”
He sucks in a breath and blows it out. The sound scratches through the line.
“Going through that kind of stuff—it has its way of hiding in your head. You wake up one day and you’re twenty-one and think you’re far removed from that shit. But then you try to live a life and there’s a … a darkness around every corner.”
Damn.
“I’ll be honest with you, and you can take this for what you will,” he says. “When she said she was staying with you, I called a few people to see what was up. And I read some things about you.”
I hang my head.
“I have an inkling that growing up wasn’t easy for you either. And I heard what happened with your father.”
My stomach twists.
“And I also heard that you tried to take the fall for your brother,” he says. “That he was the one holding the gun when it went off and you tried to say it was you.”
A lump settles in my throat. My eyes burn at the memory and at the fact that Hollis knows this. How the fuck does he know? I’ve tried to forget that entire night. But Hollis is right. It does cause a darkness to exist within you, waiting to rear its ugly head.
“The only people I’d ever take a fall like that for is Paige and Larissa. Because I love them,” he says.
“Makes sense,” I say, the words barely coming out.
“I think you and I love the same. Hard. Willing to die—willing to do anything for the people we love. Am I right?”
“Yes.”
“And you love my sister?”
“Absolutely.”
He sighs. “Then be a man and fucking fix this. Do something.”
Fuck. “I can’t. She asked me for space and I promised her at one point that I would give her all the space she needed.”
“She needs space, Nate. She needs not to feel pressured, not physical distance.”
“I’m not pressuring her for shit, Hollis,” I say, my irritation growing. “And I’m not the one that picked physical distance as the coping mechanism here.”
“Don’t blame my sister for this.”
“I’m not blaming anyone but, reality check, I didn’t do anything.”
He makes a sound that tells me that if we were eye to eye, we’d be on the verge of fist-to-face.
I can’t blame him though. He loves her like I do. We both want the same thing, the same result.
“We’re getting off track here,” he says, his voice more measured. “If you want to fix this, show her you want to fix it.”
“And how do I do that and give her the precious space she’s asked for?”
“No need to be a dick.”
“No need to act like this is a fucking cakewalk, either. What do you want me to do, Hollis? Want me to come over and throw her over my shoulder and bring her home? Because I will. You have no idea how much I’d like to chain her to my bed until she comes to her senses.”
“Easy there. We’re cordial. Don’t ruin it.”
I roll my eyes, but he’s right. My nostrils flare as I try to calm down.
“Look, she got scared,” he says.
“Why? I don’t know why. Someone tell me fucking why.”
“Talk to her. Don’t let her ruin this for herself because that’s what she’ll do.
” He chuckles sadly. “She loves you. And I know from personal experience that she’s going to run from that as fast as she can.
It’s in our DNA. It’s some kind of abandonment response or some shit.
But save her from herself, Nate. If you love her, save her.
Don’t let one mistake snowball into more. ”
I hold my head and try to mold his words into something actionable. Can I do that? Can I just make this better? Even though she asked me not to?
That’s exactly what I want to do as long as it won’t make things worse.
I look around the kitchen with no spoons in the sink, no pancake batter on the counter, or sugar on the floor.
Can it get any worse?
“I’m going to give you a tip and you can do with it what you want,” Hollis says. “Larissa and I have an appointment at two o’clock. Paige will be here alone. That’s all I’m saying.”
For the first time since I came home and she wasn’t here, a little hope flashes through me.
“You’re a good man, Hollis.”
“And I hope you’re one too. Talk soon.”
“Goodbye.”
I shut my phone off and stick my head down the hallway.
“Ryder! Come here! I need your help!”