Chapter 21 #3
He stands in the middle of the room, head swiveling around like an owl, and I feel like I’m about to have another reason to be embarrassed.
There’s nothing but a bed and a desk, both of which were provided by the school.
I don’t have posters or anything hanging on the walls.
In fact, the only interesting bits in the room are the stacks of paperbacks sitting on the floor next to my bed.
Parker walks over and sits down, bouncing slightly and making the mattress creak, running his palm over the ratty bedspread I bought secondhand at the thrift store.
There are three holes in that comforter, and right now I’m having a hard time seeing anything else.
“Uhm, it’s not exciting. Dorms are usually pretty…boring,” I finish awkwardly, trying to come to my own defense.
“You have a nice view!” he tells me, pointing out the window. I do have a nice view—the clocktower, lit up in the dark, sits directly north of the building. It’s a beautiful sandstone structure, with stone ornamentation and a peaked roof. It looks like it belongs in Prague, not South Carolina.
“Yeah, it’s even better during the day,” I tell him.
“You get to live here alone?” he asks. I nod. “Wow, that’s cool. Maybe I’ll get to live in a dorm one day.”
I laugh, relaxing just slightly. “Yeah, maybe. What would you go to school for?”
“Video games,” he says immediately, making me grin. I should have expected that answer. “Like…making them.”
“That would be cool. I don’t think I’m smart enough to do coding or things like that.”
“What do you want to do?” he asks, leaning over to my desk and opening one of the drawers to peek inside. I pinch my mouth together to keep from laughing out loud. Nosy, indeed.
“I’d like to work in publishing, I think.” Taking a seat next to him on the bed, he slides into me a bit when the crappy mattress bows under my weight. “I don’t know, though. Something with books.”
“You have to do that,” Parker agrees readily, bending over my desk drawer so far that his butt is no longer on the bed. “You should write books.”
I laugh. “I don’t think anyone would read them. I probably wouldn’t be very good at it.”
Finding nothing of interest, he closes the drawer and picks up a book from my stack by the bed. Fiddling with the pages, he frowns at me.
“You read, like, ten books a week. You’re the smartest person I know,” he tells me. “You know everything, pretty much. Remember the puffins?”
I do, in fact, remember the puffins. Desmond always asks me what I read about that week when I go over for Saturday laundry.
I’d recently read a book about puffins, and had probably been a little exuberant in my retelling of all the facts.
Parker had stood next to me, mouth slightly agape and eyes wide, listening to the diatribe.
Once I finished talking, he’d asked, voice slightly annoyed, “What the hell is a puffin?” Desmond had burst out laughing immediately, before trying to swallow it down and admonish Parker for his language.
I doubt I’ll ever forget the puffin conversation.
“Yeah, I do know a lot about puffins,” I agree. Parker nods. Honestly, given the amount of random books I read, I know quite a bit about many things. But it feels like useless information. Information that would help me in a trivia game, but doesn’t exactly transfer over into the job market.
“Right. You know pretty much everything about everything,” Parker tells me, standing up to go peek in the desk drawers he can’t reach from the bed. “So, you have to write a book. ”
I watch him, not bothering to tell him not to touch anything. There’s nothing at all in this room that I need to hide or protect from curious fingers. Once he finishes with the desk, he wanders around the perimeter of the room, hand on the wall.
“Where do you pee?” he asks suddenly. “Or, like, shower?”
“I have to share with the other people on this floor. There’s a communal bathroom down the hall, with some shower stalls and a few toilets.”
Parker’s jaw drops as he stares at me. I wonder if he’s reconsidering his earlier desire to one day live in a dorm like this.
“I don’t even want to share a bathroom with Desmond,” he muses, coming back to flop next to me on the bed. It creaks ominously, the metal frame protesting our weight.
“I’ve always had to share a bathroom, so it doesn’t bother me too bad.
It does kind of stink when you have to take a cold shower, though.
Or have to walk all the way down the hall if you need to pee in the middle of the night,” I comment, solidarity coming from Parker in the form of vigorous nodding.
“That would be the worst,” he agrees.
“Some people do have their own bathrooms, though. It’s just…different buildings, and cost and stuff, have different things.” I shrug. “Some people have to share a room, so I got pretty lucky to have my own, even without the bathroom.”
“Oh, wow,” he replies, drawing out the Os dramatically.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. Pulling it out, I see Desmond’s name on the lock screen and immediately flush, remembering his earlier offer for me to go back home with him and Parker. The dorm talk has been a nice distraction, but, as distractions are wont to be, it was fleeting.
Desmond
You guys at the dorm still?
Jack
Yeah. Want us to head back?
Desmond
Walk slow. I’ll be done in about twenty minutes.
Is Parker being good?
Jack
He’s been fine.
Parker, distracted by a stack of books he hadn’t noticed pushed behind the others, is crouched down on the floor and looking at the covers. I count to ten, trying to combat the burn of fear that’s making it hard to type.
Jack
Should I bring a change of clothes to your place?
My throat feels constricted after I click send. There is no earthly way for him to misunderstand what I’m asking. Thankfully, he doesn’t leave me waiting long enough for the terror to talk me out of going.
Desmond
Yeah, that’s fine. I also got some fancier hot chocolate for you, so you don’t have to drink the rubbish I get for Parks.
If you need a caffeine hit, I bet it would mix good with coffee.
We can play around with it .
“Are you talking to Des?” Parker asks, moving to stand next to me and leaning over to look at my phone.
“Yeah. We can head back to the arena and meet him. I just need to put a few things in my backpack first.”
Pulling my toothbrush out of my bathroom kit, I choose a clean shirt, jeans, and boxers to bring with me.
I don’t have enough pairs of socks to wear new ones every day of the week, so I don’t bother grabbing any.
These are clean enough to wear twice, and it’s not as though I was sweating much today.
“Are you spending the night?” Parker asks, watching as I put everything in my bag. My face flames.
“Yeah,” I reply quietly. It sounds like a question more than a statement of fact.
“Awesome. Are you coming to the aquarium, too? Desmond doesn’t like aquariums, but I have to go for school. He says it’s unethical unless it’s for conservation. He really hates the zoo, too. You should ask him about it. He gets so mad.”
Parker smiles gleefully, happily sharing all his uncle’s buttons in case there are any I’d like to press.
“Maybe I won’t,” I tell him, making him laugh. Clearing his throat, he continues talking in a somewhat ridiculous Australian accent, apparently trying to mimic Desmond.
“Realistically, there is simply no way to have the appropriate amount of room needed to house these animals. A lion should not be living in a space the size of a backyard.” Parker pauses to think, trying to remember what else was in Desmond’s monologue.
“It’s restrictive of their natural behaviors, and do not even get me started on the animals they use to perform shows. ”
I raise an eyebrow at him. “Did you get him started on animals used for shows?”
“I didn’t even have to! He just kept talking to himself about it all day. He was so mad,” Parker repeats, laughing and shaking his head. “I like the zoo, though. I went with Mom and Dad a couple times.”
He walks behind me as we leave my room, watching in interest as someone down the hall heads toward the bathroom. He nudges me as I lock my door.
“Who’s that?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” I glance at the retreating back of the man who is apparently my neighbor. “I don’t hang out with anyone on the floor. I’m pretty shy.”
“That’s okay,” Parker replies bracingly, voice echoing in the stairwell as we make our way down. “You don’t need to hang out with anyone but me and Desmond.”
Smiling to myself, I hold the door open for him as we exit the building.
He’s been in an incredible mood all evening, and seems to have hit a second wind.
I’d noticed his energy flagging by the third period of the game, but now he’s excitable and happy, as though invigorated by the night air and the field trip across campus.
We didn’t leave right when Desmond had texted, so by the time we make it to the hockey complex, he’s already outside. Mortified that I made him wait, I apologize the moment we’re close enough for him to hear.
“I’m sorry it took us so long to get here, I’m sure you’re tired and?—”
“No drama, Jacko,” he says, putting a hand on my upper arm and squeezing gently. “You guys have fun?”
“Jack doesn’t even have a bathroom , Des,” Parker tells him immediately .
“It’s true,” I confirm, to Desmond’s amusement, if the look he gives me is any indication. Hooking an arm around Parker’s neck, he pulls him into motion. I follow a step behind, smiling as Parker fights to free himself from the headlock.
“Did Jack make a hockey fan out of you?” Desmond asks, glancing at me even though he’s speaking to his nephew.
I miss Parker’s response, too busy gazing at the hand Desmond holds out to me. It’s so clearly a request to hold it, that my blood pressure immediately rises. Hastily, I scrub my hand against my leg, trying to ensure a dry palm. I really do not want to ruin our first time doing this by being moist.
Even though I’m probably making him wait far longer than I should, Desmond doesn’t move that hand until I tentatively touch my fingertips to his.
He smiles at me, gently threading his fingers through mine and pressing our palms together as though it’s the most natural thing in the world.
It feels ridiculously brave—us walking across the campus, hands linked, right out in the open where anyone could see me.
For one of the first times in my life, I feel proud of myself.
When we get to the car, Desmond squeezes my fingers before letting go.
I’m grateful for the dark interior of the car, hiding my blush as I attempt to stay calm in the wake of hand-holding and the fact that I’m going to be spending the night with Desmond.
With my boyfriend. Nate would tell me to relax and not worry, but those two things are a direct opposition to every facet of my personality.
Unable to control the worrying, I focus instead on the relaxing, working through a few rounds of Desmond’s breathing and muscle-relaxation exercises he gave me so long ago.
It helps. By the time we’re parking in front of their apartment building, my pulse has simmered down from the “medical emergency” territory it had been hovering in.
I can do this. All we’ll be doing is sleeping, and even if we weren’t, I’ll be with Desmond.
Desmond, who has only ever treated me with compassion and understanding; who is endlessly patient with not just me, but everyone I’ve ever seen him interact with.
Desmond, who has known me long enough now to know me , and wants to hold my hand anyway.
That awareness feels like a warm blanket being wrapped around my shoulders, as cozy and welcoming as Desmond himself.
I can do this. I can put enough trust in him to relax; to leave my worries at the door, instead of bringing them into the sanctuary their apartment has become.
I have, in some ways, been invited into the family, and I’ll never forgive myself if I ruin that by being ruled by fear.
“Go get ready for bed,” Desmond instructs Parker as we all kick off our shoes by the door. Parker doesn’t argue as he’s nudged toward the hallway, raising an arm to yawn into his elbow.
“Can I shower?” he asks.
“Quickly,” Desmond confirms. “Then, teeth brushed and bed.”
“All right,” Parker agrees. He starts to leave us, but turns around before he reaches the hallway. He comes back and gives Desmond a one-armed hug, before surprising me by doing the same to me. “Night, Jack.”
“Night,” I echo, voice low as I put a hand on his shoulder and provide a half-hug of my own. Desmond looks so pleased, his face is practically lighting up the room.
He waits until the door to Parker’s room clicks closed, before turning and smiling at me. I smile back, wishing I was brave enough to close the foot of distance between us and kiss him.