Chapter 24
Desmond
William Jost hasn’t once looked up from his phone as we wait to be called for our hearing.
Nervously, I bounce my knee up and down, tugging restlessly at the cuffs of my shirt.
We’re early, which is both a good thing and a special form of torture.
Now, I’m just sitting here thinking about everything that could go wrong, sweating through my suit, and wishing like hell I’d taken Jack up on his offer to come along.
Family court cases are public, so he’d have been allowed to sit in the audience. More importantly, he’d have been able to sit next to me right now as we wait. He’d have been a hell of a lot more use than my bloody lawyer, who’s about as comforting as a marble statue.
Jack had asked if he should be here, but I’d told him not to come.
That would have meant him missing his classes to do what?
Listen as my parents’ lawyer tries and convince a judge of how terrible of a person and parent I am?
No. It’s better I suffer here alone than do this with Jack sitting in the room, face flushed with embarrassment as he watches me get eviscerated by my own family.
Because that’s likely what’s going to happen, seeing as my mother has never made it a secret, all the things she hates about me.
She’s going to be giddy, having the opportunity to tell not only a judge, but any members of the public who have decided that this is what they want to do with their free time today.
“Parker is at school?” William Jost asks, startling me so much that I jump a little bit. It’s the first he’s spoken in twenty minutes.
“Yeah. I thought we’d be done by the time he’s finished, but I have a backup just in case.
” My voice sounds strange, and the words feel as though I had to force them out of a throat not made for talking.
I tug on my tie, wishing someone would turn down the air-conditioning, or maybe set a fan up in front of me.
“We’ll be finished,” he replies crisply, completely unbothered.
“Is there a vending machine around here?” I ask, glancing around. There’s a strong possibility I’ll throw up if I put anything in my stomach right now, but there’s an even stronger possibility that I’m about to faint. “I need some water.”
“You’ll have to wait,” William Jost says, standing up; tucking his phone away and buttoning the front of his suit. “We’re up.”
I stand on shaky knees as the bailiff approaches.
My stomach sloshes dangerously, like I’m standing on the deck of a boat in the middle of the ocean during a hurricane.
Honestly, I’d rather be on that boat than here.
As I trail my lawyer into the courtroom, I think once more of Jack.
God, how I wish I hadn’t convinced him not to come .
Our judge is a tiny, gray-haired woman, who peers over her glasses at us and somehow manages to make me feel guilty.
Guilty for what, I don’t even know, but I can see how she’s been successful in this position, with that weaponized stare in her repertoire.
She further endears herself to me when my parents’ lawyer tries to talk, and she cuts him off with a sharp, “You will follow the rules of this court, Mr. Goldman, and will speak when it’s your turn. ”
I hadn’t been totally sure what to expect, but I definitely hadn’t expected a twenty-minute hearing. It feels like we’ve only just sat down when the judge is closing the file in front of her and awarding me full custody of Parker.
Shocked by how quickly the entire thing moved, I sit in silence as Mum’s lawyer begins packing up his things, and beside me, William Jost stands up.
I stare at his hands as he gathers his papers, vision a little blurred and brain fuzzy with the unreality of the situation.
I won, but I can’t seem to muster more than numb exhaustion.
Months of worry, stress, and thousands of dollars for a stranger to tell me what my sister and her husband already knew; what I already knew.
Months of sleepless nights, lying awake as images of Parker being taken away spun behind my eyes like a film reel.
All of that and they hand him over to me in twenty minutes.
My throat is so tight, it’s hard to breathe.
The deck is still pitching beneath my feet, and now I feel like I’m going to cry.
I miss my sister so fucking much, it feels more solid and real than any other person in this room.
I haven’t heard her voice in a while, which adds a touch of panic to my sudden misery.
I’m going to forget what she sounded like, one day.
“You coming?” William Jost asks, peering down at me. I’m probably acting strange, but my emotions are a runaway train, and frankly, I am too tired to care what he thinks .
“That’s it?” I ask, voice so dry and croaking it sounds like I’ve been screaming.
“That’s it,” he agrees, tone kinder than I’ve heard it in weeks. “You won, Mr. Gates. You have full custody of Parker Lewis, just the way your sister and brother-in-law desired.”
I nod, still feeling unbearably sad, but manage to convince my body into action, leveraging myself out of the chair. Loosen up that tie, Desy, take a breath , Victoria’s voice whispers into my ear, so welcome and beautiful that the tears almost succeed in falling. I loosen the tie.
William Jost looks at my parents, huddled at the corner of the lobby talking with their lawyer, and ushers me the opposite direction.
Following him, I begin undoing all the buttons on my shirt I can without being arrested for public indecency.
I’m clammy and cold, skin damp from sweat, even though I’m no longer burning up.
Now, I feel like I’m coming down with the flu.
“A little advice?” Mr. Jost says, halting over by the windows, eyes flicking to the open neck of my shirt and the tie pulled loose enough to brush my clavicle.
“Okay.” I nod. Having already paid him for today, I suppose I might as well get my money’s worth out of the deal.
“I’ve been doing this a long time. I’ve seen all sorts—some worse than others. You have full custody of that kid now, which means you decide where he goes, when he goes there, and who he goes with. My advice, for your sanity and his, would be to stay far away from those two.”
I don’t even need the nod he tips in the direction of my parents. Nor do I need to look over to feel my mum’s eyes on us, doing her level best to prove “looks could kill” is more than an idiom .
“Yeah,” I agree tiredly. “I’d come to the same conclusion after mediation.”
He smiles, clapping me on the shoulder and adjusting the front of his suit. His tie is still cinched tight to his throat, I notice.
“Call me if you need anything.” He holds out a hand to shake. Having anticipated this, I’d wiped my palm dry on my pants.
“I hope I never have to talk to you again, mate.”
He chuckles and turns back the way we came.
My parents are gone, and I can only hope they aren’t waiting outside to ambush me.
It’s still hours before Parker is supposed to be done with school, but I’ve decided that the first thing I’m doing as his legally appointed guardian is to take him from school early.
We’re going to go get some ice cream and sit on the beach.
We’re going to text Jack and beg him to come over, because if I have to be alone today, I’m going to wish I was dead.
Stepping outside, I tip my head back and roll it back and forth a few times, stretching out my neck. I have to shield my eyes from the glare of the sun, slanting off the windows of the courthouse. It’s a beautiful, sunny day, completely at odds with the hellscape my insides feel like right now.
A flash of color catches my eye, and I squint into the light. There’s a red-haired man sitting on the brick half-wall surrounding the landscaping, broad-shouldered and pale-skinned. Even from yards away, sun obscuring my vision, I know who it is. That red-haired man is my red-haired man.
I head his direction, feeling relief so profound my bones ache with it.
When I get close enough to see clearly without my retinas being burned out, I notice Nate by his side.
His face is turned toward Jack, mouth moving and hands gesturing as he talks.
Probably feeling the weight of my eyes on them, he glances over his shoulder and I raise a hand in a small acknowledgement.
Standing up, Nate leans down, hand on Jack’s back as he speaks to him.
Straightening, he looks back at me before walking off down the footpath, peeking over his shoulder before jogging across the busy street to his truck.
Jack stands as well, turning and facing me.
Even with the sun in my eyes, I can see the red flush of his skin.
I’ve never wanted someone so badly as I do right now.
“Hi. Hey. I’m sorry,” Jack says immediately, once I’m close enough to hear. His eyes are wide, expression shy. “I know you told me not to come, but I just really thought… Nate offered to drive me, but maybe it was a bad idea. I’m sorry.”
I put a hand on his shoulder, stopping the flow of words.
“You okay if I hug you in public, Jack?” I ask him, watching as the tension visibly drains from his body. He nods.
I don’t throw myself at him so much as melt.
If his arms hadn’t come around me immediately, I might have collapsed to the footpath.
Propping my chin on his shoulder, I close my eyes.
Jack doesn’t say anything, just tightens his hold and squeezes me into his chest. Swallowing down the urge to sob, I breathe in and out a couple times, thinking about Victoria.
“My sister is dead,” I whisper to Jack.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers back, gently rubbing his hand up my spine.
“Parker’s mine,” I add, and can feel the relief in his exhale. He strokes my back again.
“He is,” Jack agrees.