Chapter 14 Zoe Spring 2025 #2
It was hard to think I’d been a baby and Mum had been like me. Had she ever felt as scared as I did?
‘You clever thing, having such a beautiful baby.’
I smiled. It didn’t feel very clever, but she was beautiful and I loved her so, so much. I’d do anything for her.
‘What are your plans?’ she asked, her body swaying from side to side. Kylie was quiet.
I shook my head. I hadn’t thought beyond this moment. Just getting home.
‘And Patrick? She is Patrick’s?’
I nodded and started to cry again. ‘He—’
Mum slid down next to me and rubbed my back, holding Kylie in the crook of her other arm.
‘I ran away from him. I couldn’t do it anymore. It was so cold. Always so cold.’ My whole body shuddered, as if in memory of that place, though I was beginning to feel warmer. The kitchen was as bright and homely as I remembered it, the Aga keeping it cosy.
‘It’s okay, Steph, you’re home now. I’ll look after you.’
I leaned against her. ‘Thank you, Mum.’ I needed to say it. ‘I’m sorry – for everything.’
She paused for a moment and looked at me, stroking the side of my face. ‘We both made mistakes. I’m sorry too. I’m just glad you’ve given us a second chance.’
‘I need to start again,’ I said. ‘Go back to the beginning.’ I wasn’t even sure what I meant, it was just words.
Mum tipped her head to one side and studied my face. ‘I understand. We can discuss all of that later. For now, let me make you a tea. Would you like something to eat? Breakfast?’
‘I’m starving,’ I said. It was true. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a proper, hot meal. All I’d eaten were snacks for days – weeks, probably.
With Kylie still in one arm, she tipped oats into a pan and added water.
She seemed to carry her so easily. My eyes were heavy so I leaned my head on my arms on the table, listening to her bustle around.
The ping of the toaster. The click of the kettle as it turned off.
The bubbling of the porridge. I could picture exactly what she was doing, even with my eyes shut.
‘Sit up slightly, darling. Start with the porridge.’
She slid a bowl in front of me, orange juice and a steaming mug of tea next to it.
A tower of toast soon followed on the side.
I knew I’d burned the roof of my mouth with the first spoonful but I didn’t care.
My stomach cramped after I finished the porridge, but I ignored it, smearing jam over the toast triangles and cramming them in, crusts and all.
I licked every last bit of Mum’s plum jam off my fingers before looking up.
‘You were hungry,’ she said, her eyes full. ‘You need to eat properly when you’ve had a baby. It takes a lot out of you.’ She stroked my hair and then got up, tidying the breakfast things while I hugged the mug. The dirt was etched so deep in my nails, I wondered if it would ever come out.
‘I think the baby’s got a full nappy. Do you . . . ?’
I shook my head, not looking up. I’d reused that disposable nappy too many times as it was. Scraped off what little poo there was and tried to dry out the urine. But nothing would dry outside in this cold.
‘Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ve got some of Sara’s old ones somewhere. I kept all the baby stuff. Just in case I— Lucky, really.’
She leaned over me and stroked my hair again.
‘Your poor hands,’ she said, looking at my cracked and blistered fingers.
The cloying sweetness of Kylie’s nappy curled into my nostrils.
I was glad I didn’t have to deal with it for once.
‘I’ll have a look at them later, dress them for you.
But right now I’ll change the baby and then why don’t you feed her and then go to bed for a few hours.
You look exhausted. I’ll look after her. Then we can talk about what to do.’
I nodded and lay my head back on my hands on the table, the surface still warm from the bowl.
There was nothing to worry about, nothing to think about.
My eyes closed automatically. I could relax, I was safe here.
I must have slept a little, because Mum woke me stroking my cheek, dragging me out of the warmth.
‘I’m sorry to wake you, darling, but Kylie needs feeding. Then I’ll let you rest properly.’
Kylie grasped my nipple straight away. Maybe being warmer helped her too.
‘She had quite bad nappy rash,’ Mum said. I swallowed. She’d developed that after a couple of weeks and it had been impossible to shift. ‘But I had some barrier cream so I’ve put that on her. It should clear it up in no time.’
I heard the footsteps on the stairs and stared at Mum. ‘I’ve told Dad, darling. Like me, he’s just relieved you’re home. Nothing else matters.’
I held my breath as Dad came into the room.
‘Steph. Oh my God.’ He hurried forward but then didn’t seem to know what to do.
His hand rested awkwardly on my shoulder.
‘I’m so glad you’re back. Mum and I have—’ He took a breath.
‘I’m just so glad.’ He sat down on the chair next to me, still touching my arm, as if he couldn’t believe I was real.
I’d often thought of home and of Mum and Dad, and Fi and little Sara.
But I’d never really considered how they felt about me.
If anything I thought they hated me for everything that had happened, for how I’d treated Mum.
We sat there, me in the middle of them as if I were a small child, as Kylie fed for a long time, Mum stroking my hair to the same rhythm as Kylie’s suckling.
Eventually the clock in the hallway jerked into life. I felt the seven bongs reverberate through my fingertips. It’s funny how you can miss a sound.
‘I need to get the girls up and ready for school,’ Mum said, glancing over at Dad as she stood up and collected the dirty crockery, piling it in the sink. She slid two cereal packets on the table and laid out bowls and spoons.
The clatter disturbed Kylie and she slid off me, her face damp and warm from the milk. She’d never been so relaxed. I should have come home a long time ago. As soon as we went on the run. What had I been thinking?
‘Right.’ Mum was standing at the end of the table. ‘Your room is waiting for you. I’ll put a hot-water bottle under the sheets to take off the chill.’ I stood up, suddenly not sure what I should do.
‘Let me take the baby, so you can rest.’ I handed Kylie over to her like a package. A pass the parcel.
Through the kitchen door I could see the huge bowl of potpourri on the hall table. I wondered if Mum had changed anything since I left. I wanted it to all be the same.
We walked up the stairs side by side. As we rounded the top, I heard Fi talking to Sara and suddenly wanted to see her more than anything. I started towards her room, but Mum gripped my shoulder. ‘Not yet, darling. Rest first and then you can see them this evening.’
My room was exactly as I’d left it, though Mum had tidied it.
The curtains had been neatly tied back from the four-poster bed, the princess canopy over the dressing table had been rearranged and someone had neatened the desk.
I never lined things up like that. On the pillow Terry and June were curled together.
I sat down next to them and buried my face in their warm fur, stroking their heads.
Terry started to purr. It was as if he knew it was me without even opening his eyes.
‘I’m back,’ I whispered, taking off my clothes and sliding under the covers, carefully pulling out the second pillow from under the cats.
Had my bed always been this soft, this warm? It was like being cuddled by a cloud. It all smelt of lavender. Mum closed the curtains tightly, and the room became womb-like. Terry settled back down to sleep. Kylie was sleeping in Mum’s arms – full and warm. At least I was doing that right. Finally.
There was crunching on the gravel outside.
‘Mum—’
She sat down on the side of the bed, tucking the covers around me. ‘Yes?’
‘He’s going to come after Kylie, I’m sure he will. He won’t let her go. Patrick.’ My voice trembled. I thought back to how distraught he’d been the evening before.
Her face twisted slightly as she rose to look out of the window.
‘It’s just Alice.’ She turned to face me.
‘You’ll be safe here. Dad will keep a lookout while I walk the girls to school.
And Alice will be around all day. I’ll wake you at lunchtime,’ she said.
‘Dad will keep Kylie until I come back and then I’ll look after her so you can get a proper sleep.
’ My belly growled and my feet and hands tingled with warmth.
She slid the hot-water bottle next to me but I couldn’t seem to open my eyes.
I could relax now. I was safe and warm and full and Kylie was safe with Mum.