Chapter 16 Zoe Spring 2025 #2
‘Of course. I didn’t say anything to them this morning as I was still in shock myself. But we can all have supper together. A proper family supper. We’ve all missed you, Steph. It hasn’t been the same without you.’
A little fizz surged through me. I thought Mum would have hated me after everything I did.
‘I’ll do something special for you. How about a veggie cottage pie?’
My mouth watered at the thought. Food that wasn’t from a packet. I never wanted to see another store-bought cheese sandwich again.
‘Did you manage to eat well while you were away?’ she said, her eyebrows drawing together.
I let out a long breath. ‘Mum, it was awful.’ Then I shook my head.
That wasn’t true. ‘No, it was fine to begin with. After I left here, we moved to a new squat. An empty warehouse on the other side of town, near that sixth form I was going to go to. Where that carpet showroom used to be. So you couldn’t find us. ’
She winced.
‘There was quite a few of us living there. Old carpet showrooms are comfortable places to stay. No shortage of decent floor coverings.’ I laughed but didn’t really mean it.
‘Where did you have the baby?’
‘In the squat.’
Mum screwed up her face. ‘Oh my God, Steph, anything could have happened. You’re lucky to be alive.’
During the labour I know I’d called out for Mum, I just couldn’t help it.
It was so much worse than I thought it would be.
After the baby came, I’d drifted in and out of sleep.
It felt nice. Like ecstasy. The pain had gone, just the odd cramp.
People around me talked but I didn’t really know what they were saying.
Someone would tell me if there was something important.
Baby, there was a baby. I knew that. Where was it? I pulled open an eye and saw Patrick sitting cross-legged next to me holding a baby. My baby. He had the baby.
‘You okay, Steph? There’s a lot of blood.’ Merry’s voice. I recognised it. I tried to nod but it was too much effort.
‘Pat, drag your eyes away from that baby, there’s a lot of blood.’ Merry again.
‘Shit, it’s all over the mattress.’ Patrick. ‘We should have moved her on to one of those old carpets.’
‘There just seems more than there should be. Don’t you think?’
‘How would I know?’
‘Steph, I’ve got some pads here. I’m going to put them between your legs. Put some knickers on you to keep them in place.’
Merry was kind. She was always kind. I felt her move me, sliding the cotton knickers up my legs. That’s what Mum would have done if she’d been here.
‘Her legs are freezing. Pass me those blankets.’
‘Don’t get blood on them.’ Patrick.
My heart was racing. Must be from having the baby.
Someone was panting.
‘Her hands are cold too.’
Did we agree on Kylie for the baby? I wanted to call her Kylie. Was it a girl? I think it was a girl but maybe it was a boy. I wanted to ask but my mouth wouldn’t move properly.
‘Steph? What you trying to say? Shhhh, everyone, she’s trying to say something.’
‘Kylie,’ I managed and then it started to go patchy and starry. The pain started to grow.
‘It was okay in the end,’ I said quietly.
‘Just the thought of you having a baby on your own, I should have been there for you.’ Mum had her hands in front of her face.
‘I wanted you there,’ I said. Her face softened into a small smile.
‘Did you? I would have been there, if I’d known where you were. I looked everywhere for you.’
We sat in silence, listening to Kylie suckling and gurgling.
‘So how come you ended up outside?’ she said eventually. ‘Why did you leave the place you were staying?’ She couldn’t bring herself to say the word ‘squat’.
I knew I shouldn’t tell her, but I was just so tired, so tired of it all.
I needed to tell someone. I needed to talk about it.
‘We were targeting another lab. We’d made a home-made bomb.
What we usually did was to plant it and then call in to warn people to vacate – cause maximum disruption – and then rescue the animals.
But I messed up. I must have written the number down wrong.
I basically called the wrong number with a bomb warning.
So they didn’t have notice to leave. No one was hurt, but—’ My voice caught.
‘Oh Steph, it wasn’t your fault, of course it wasn’t.
’ The words were right but I wondered if she meant them.
Old Mum would always talk about me being a child, getting involved in grown-up things, that things weren’t my fault, that I was incapable of making my own decisions.
I took another breath through my gritted teeth.
‘They blamed Patrick, of course, said it was his fault because he was the leader. We heard there was a warrant out for his arrest. So we had to leave. Kylie was a month old then. We stayed in different people’s places for a while.
’ People were kind but nobody wanted a crying baby staying with them for long.
And Kylie cried and cried all the time. ‘But then eventually we ran out of options and we found an old, abandoned place on the Downs. It was fine until it started to get cold. And Pat couldn’t work because he was afraid of being arrested. So we had no money.’
I couldn’t go on. There were no words to describe the last month in that place.
‘Oh, Steph, you’ve been through so much.
You both have. What a start for poor Kylie.
’ She stroked Kylie’s downy head. She’d finally had enough and had fallen asleep, her face pink and damp with milk.
She really was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
Somehow now I could enjoy her. See her for what she was without the constant worry of whether I had enough milk, or where we were going to get water or food from.
‘I’m just glad you’re home now. You’re safe and home with your family where you belong and we’ll look after you and we can decide what to do next.’
I let my head roll back and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. Now was the time to tell her. I had to tell her if I was going to make it right. I had to be honest with her. ‘Mum.’
‘Yes?’ She had her head tilted to the side, a small smile on her face. Happy to have me back, to have all her children safe and sound. I knew what I said next would destroy all of that.
‘There’s something else I haven’t told you. Something awful.’
Her smile started to fade.
Mum walked beside me down the stairs. ‘I’ve told the girls there’s a surprise,’ she said, her mouth curving into a smile which didn’t reflect in her eyes.
Halfway down she stopped and turned to face me.
‘Look, Steph, I don’t think we should mention the baby for now. Dad and I have talked about it . . .’
I wondered what she’d told Dad. I hadn’t seen him since Patrick had been taken away. The words ‘intent to endanger life’ still rang in my ears. I curved my arms around my stomach.
‘It’ll be too much for them to take in at their age. Let’s just focus on your homecoming. That’s the exciting thing and it will be easy for them to understand. Then we can introduce the baby later.’
My shoulders dropped. I’d been so excited about showing them Kylie. They were both her aunts now, which seemed strange when they were so young. I’d always thought of an aunt being an elderly person. ‘Okay,’ I said. It wasn’t like I had much choice. I never had much choice in this house.
‘She’s fast asleep now anyway. After such a busy few weeks I think she needs to catch up,’ said Mum.
A busy few weeks. She had no idea.
I’d missed Fi and Sara almost as much as I’d missed Mum and Dad. It’s funny how things that you think are really annoying at the time are the things you miss the most when you no longer have them.
Dad opened the oven as we came into the kitchen, steam billowing out in big clouds.
He lifted the cottage pie on to the table.
The smell made my mouth water. Fi and Sara had their backs to me, filling up their water glasses at the tap.
They both seemed taller and Sara’s hair had grown much longer. I slid into my usual seat.
Fi screamed as she turned, spilling the water on the floor. ‘Steph!’ Mum took the glass before it smashed, as Fi threw herself at me. I pulled her into me. She smelt exactly the same as she always did. Sara slid underneath my arm, and the three of us stayed like that for what felt like forever.
‘Surprise!’ Mum said.
Fi looked up. ‘When you said earlier there was a surprise, I thought you meant we were having Angel Delight for pudding!’ She laughed, her whole face grinning. ‘I can’t believe you’re back.’ She gripped my arm. ‘I’ve really missed you.’
Sara was more shy, staring at me, her eyes wide. ‘Hi, Steph,’ she said.
‘Hi,’ I said.
‘Right, everyone, let’s sit down. We don’t want it getting cold.’
It had been eight months since I’d last sat down with them all.
Suddenly that time concertinaed. It was hard to believe what had happened.
I squashed an urge to rush upstairs to see if Kylie was real.
Of course she was real. I knew she was real.
I took a bite of the cottage pie, my taste buds fizzing with the joy of real, home-cooked food.
‘Neither of you seem very happy that Steph is home,’ said Fi eventually.
Mum and Dad glanced at each other. ‘I’m over the moon,’ Mum said simply. ‘It’s just been a shock and a tiring day. A lot has happened. But I can’t tell you how wonderful it is that the five of us are around the table again.’
The warmth spread from my stomach into my heart and head and out into my fingertips. It had been the right decision to come home. Even though Patrick had been arrested. Kylie and I were safe and would be looked after and that was all that mattered.
‘Can we stay up late and watch TV with Steph?’ Sara had hardly spoken all meal. We turned to her.
‘I think Steph will probably want an early night, but, yes, you can stay up a little later,’ said Dad. Both Fi and Sara squealed.
As silence descended there was the unmistakeable sound of Kylie beginning to cry. Fi and Sara didn’t seem to notice. I rose from my seat but Mum’s glance told me to sit down. ‘I’m just going to check on something.’ She walked out of the kitchen, closing the heavy door behind her.
Dad picked at his food, occasionally glancing up at me. Like I was some strange exhibit in a museum. Fi ate with one hand linked through mine. Sara, opposite her, stared at us both, and I got the feeling that she wasn’t entirely happy I was home. Perhaps she’d enjoyed having Fi to herself.
Mum came back as we were washing and drying.
She smiled at me and nodded. Kylie was fine.
Thank God. It was strange not being with her.
I’d been with her non-stop, never parted for more than a minute for the past few months.
With no pram, I’d carried her all the time.
My arms felt empty, useless now. I dried a saucepan, and hung it from the hook.
‘Dad’s got the new video of Who Framed Roger Rabbit?,’ said Fi, jumping from one foot to the other. ‘Can we watch it, Dad, to celebrate Steph coming home?’
‘I think so,’ said Dad. ‘Go and brush your teeth all of you, and get your pyjamas on, then you can watch it under duvets on the settee.’
The other two scampered upstairs and Dad went into the drawing room to set up the video.
‘You too, Steph,’ said Mum, scraping her uneaten dinner into the bin.