Chapter 17 Zoe Spring 2025 #2
‘It will give the baby the best possible chance in the world and you a clean slate,’ said Dad. ‘The chance to start again. Just like you wanted.’
I didn’t understand what they were saying. I was still so exhausted, despite sleeping for some of the day. My bones still felt tired. I stared at them, but their faces were closed.
‘Steph, did you hear me?’ Dad’s breath sounded heavy.
‘I don’t understand,’ I said. ‘Kylie’s mine.’
Dad nodded. ‘But you’re a child yourself, Steph. A child going through some challenging times.’ He looked at Mum. ‘We’ve talked about it, we’ve talked to Granny Evelyn and Grandpa Edward this evening, and we think it’s best.’
My thoughts skittered around the room. I tried to grab them, focus on the one thing I wanted to think about.
But there was too much noise – the clock ticked, the fridge hummed into life next door, somewhere a lawnmower whirred.
Mum lifted her mug to her lips and sucked the tea into her mouth.
Granny and Grandpa knew now. Why did she tell them?
It was like she was trying to take over. I wanted to be the one to tell them.
A tiny fist appeared for a second above the wicker basket they’d brought down from the loft.
She’d woken. She released a small mewl. She was hungry.
And needed milk now. Over the past few months, I’d got much better at understanding her messages.
The mewl sounded harmless enough but if she didn’t get milk within the next minute, it’d build into a crescendo of almost unbearable noise.
Patrick hated it, said it got on his nerves, so I got used to being ready to feed her at any time.
The thought of him made my stomach twist.
I stood up and walked towards her, desperate to feed her.
My breasts were hot and taut and I felt shivery despite the heat of the room.
But Mum was already there, her hand under Kylie’s bottom, lifting her on to her chest. I watched her, my nipples prickling.
Mum walked over to the sideboard where there was a small saucepan I hadn’t noticed before.
Holding Kylie in one arm, she lifted out a bottle and wiped it on a napkin before walking back and sitting down.
Kylie was building into a climax. Terry and June got up from their spot by the fire and stalked out of the room in unison.
Mum slipped the teat of the bottle into her mouth. She stopped crying and went to suck on it but immediately pushed it out of her mouth.
‘Mum, she doesn’t need that bottle, let me feed her.’ The front of my jumper was completely soaked. My breasts were weeping for Kylie.
‘Steph, this is the best way.’
‘But she doesn’t like it.’ Kylie’s face was a bright red tomato. An angry tomato.
‘She had some earlier and got used to it eventually.’
She had some earlier. ‘What? You had no right!’
‘I just wanted you to get some sleep. And then you were having supper.’
It was only a few hours, I thought. She should have woken me. And I’d wanted to go and get her during supper. ‘She’s my baby.’
The milk was dripping through my bra, through the folds of cotton into the wool. A droplet fell on to my belly underneath my jumper.
‘Steph, you’ve been sleeping rough with her for months.’ Dad’s words were like a slap. ‘Months outside in the winter with a small baby. That’s not what’s best for her. It’s neglect. It’s cruel.’
Mum looked at him and swallowed.
‘I had no choice,’ I said to him, not looking at his face.
I pressed my hands into my chest, using the wet fabric to cool my breasts.
‘Mum, I need to feed her.’ I stepped forward and grabbed the corner of the shawl, pulling Kylie towards me.
Mum was pulled off balance and fell against the settee but she managed not to drop Kylie.
‘Steph!’ Dad shouted. Kylie was screaming, flailing at the bottle. My chest was wet with the milk she was so desperate for.
Mum steadied herself and moved back to the sideboard.
She shook the bottle again and dripped a tiny droplet of milk into Kylie’s mouth.
Her pink tongue pushed it away and she screwed her face up.
But it must not have tasted as bad as she initially thought.
She paused for a moment. Mum dripped in more milk and Kylie licked it.
She stopped crying and started rooting again.
Mum slipped the bottle into her mouth. Kylie looked confused and tried to push it out but then suddenly grabbed it and started to suck.
‘There, there,’ said Mum, as she sat down on the sofa. ‘That’s better, isn’t it, baby?’
My milk had stopped leaking, but my t-shirt was sopping wet. I sat down opposite her and watched her feed my baby, Dad with his arm around her, looking down at Kylie. The perfect family portrait. I’d been that baby once.
Then it was like I was watching myself watching her feeding Kylie. Like I was on the ceiling looking at everyone. And then suddenly I was back inside me, my belly churning. Why don’t they call her by her name?
‘Dad, she’s my baby.’ I tried to keep my voice calm but I could hear the tremor. ‘I know I need help with her. I need Mum to help me. But she’s mine, Kylie’s mine.’ I realised I was shouting.
‘Steph, for once just listen.’ Dad spoke as if he wanted to punch something.
‘Given everything that’s happened, I don’t think the baby would be safe with you.
’ He glanced at Mum. ‘You’re not in the right frame of mind to look after a baby.
’ He cleared his throat. ‘You’ve always been the clever one, Steph.
You could really make something of yourself. But not with a baby at your age.’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t want to make something of myself,’ I said, mimicking him. ‘I’m a mother. That’s what I am now. I can go back to school when she’s older.’
‘Steph, darling, I know you want what’s best for the baby, don’t you.’
Mum said it like a statement, not a question, but I nodded anyway. My heart was thudding so hard in my chest, it was making me feel sick.
‘Of course you do. Every mother wants what’s best for their child. I want what’s best for you.’ Kylie sucked rhythmically now. Her eyes shut, her hands clenched by her sides. My belly dropped. She’d betrayed me.
‘I know this is going to be a very difficult thing for you, but if we bring the baby up as our child, you can start again. You’ll still see her all the time, live your life with her, but you’ll be able to focus on your education – you’ve really missed out recently.
But you’re so bright, I know you can catch up. ’
‘I don’t want to go back to school,’ I shouted.
‘What kind of future can you offer her? You struggled enough before you had her,’ said Dad, not looking up. ‘Where would you live? How would you earn enough money to feed her, clothe her? Patrick’s likely going to prison for a long time. Babies can’t survive on love alone.’
‘I’d live here with you. You’d both help me to bring her up. And when Patrick comes out of prison, then he can live here too.’
Mum winced and turned to Dad.
‘Steph, that’s not realistic,’ he said, shaking his head.
‘Please, Dad, just give me a chance. Give Kylie and me a chance.’ I’d never wanted anything more than I wanted this. ‘Please, Dad. No one need know, if that’s what you’re worried about. I promise not to leave Highdown.’
Mum looked out of the window and sighed.
‘You haven’t done that well for the past few—’ Dad stopped, and I knew what he was going to say.
There was a long pause, he couldn’t seem to speak.
But Mum could. ‘What Dad means is that we’re worried about the baby’s safety.
You’ve had such challenges these last few years, that maybe it would be better for everyone – the baby but also you – that we bring her up. ’ She rubbed the scar on her forehead.
Dad closed his eyes, his hand still around Mum’s shoulder. ‘It’s for the best, Steph. It’s the best for you and for the baby.’
I felt like a rabbit in one of Dad’s traps, who, too late, realises that being tempted by the carrot was a fatal error. I should never have come home. Even Patrick at his worst was better than this. My stomach turned and I shuddered.
‘I’ll tell everyone,’ I said. I could just run away again. Take Kylie and go. But I thought back to the woods, and how cold it had been. And what had happened there.
Mum pursed her lips. ‘If you do that, you’ll be harming this beautiful baby.’ Her face softened as she looked down at Kylie. ‘Harming your own child. And we know where that leads. Child neglect and worse. K—’ She looked at me with hard eyes and I knew what she was saying.
‘Think of the baby and her prospects. If she’s brought up as your sister, then everyone will accept her. She’ll have the best of everything here. A future. And so will you. And you’ll still have a relationship with her – a strong relationship. The two of you can thrive.’
Kylie had fallen asleep on the bottle, as she so often did on my breast. Mum took the teat out of her mouth and carefully slid Kylie back into the Moses basket.
She looked so natural doing it. Like she knew what she was doing.
I’d never felt that. She adjusted the blanket around her and smiled.
Dad looked down at Kylie and shared another smile with Mum.
Kylie started and flung her arms above her head.
Her cheek was pink. It would be damp from the milk.
I stared at her, willing her to wake, to do something.
Maybe Mum was right. Maybe this was better for Kylie.
And what choice did I have, really? Where could I go now?
Patrick was gone and that was all my fault too.
In the past few days, I’d lost everything.
It felt like there was nothing left to lose.
At least this way she would be safe. And I’d be with her.
I stared at Kylie again. Wake up. Show me what to do. Show me what to do like you’ve done before. But she stayed asleep.