Chapter Fourteen #2
What follows is worse than silence. It’s like the absence of noise. Tommy seems to have forgotten how to blink.
‘Cormac!’ whispers Sheila. ‘You can’t use that word.’
He rolls his eyes. ‘Oh, Mother, get with the times!’ He adds a sort of camp click of his fingers. ‘Queer has been reclaimed by the LGBTQ+ community.’
‘I don’t think that’s true. Is it, Michael?’
My mouth falls open uselessly.
‘How would he know?’ says Tommy.
‘I…I think it is, yeah,’ I stammer.
‘It is!’ announces Fiona. ‘My best friend’s big brother Sean is queer and a drag queen. She’s called Coco De Mol.’
Cormac spits out his drink and Sheila and Mum start laughing. I join in and ease spreads through me. This is it. This is one of those moments when I could say it. I let myself believe they wouldn’t care. Because surely they wouldn’t. They love me and they’re good people.
‘Bloody madhouse,’ says Tommy. As he picks up his plate and heads to the kitchen, I’m left with the sickening feeling that I’ve done something wrong.
I check my phone for a reply from Ben. Nothing. As usual.
What’s wrong with me?
Everything.
I’ve convinced Mum I’m well enough to go out and am choosing a shirt to wear when Cormac tells me Paul’s party is cancelled.
‘How come?’
‘Him and Ellen had a fight. They’ve broken up again.’
I get a buzz of excitement in my chest, then feel like a knob. ‘Ah, that’s a shame.’ I’m mostly annoyed because I was hoping to talk to Meg about what happened today. The undeveloped photo papers are sitting in envelopes in my notebook, waiting to unleash terrible and awesome secrets.
And also, I wanted to see Paul. It felt like we had such a good time together today. Did he break up because of me?
Stop!
‘He’s asked if we want to go up anyway. Hang out?’ says Cormac.
I smile. ‘Yeah, definitely.’ Cormac raises an eyebrow and I turn to hide my blush. I go to look for a more casual hang-type T-shirt. One that says, ‘I’m sorry you’re now single, but am I really?’
As I dig through my suitcase, I get a text from Meg.
Heard about tonight being
cancelled?
Yeah. Annoying. Paul invited me
up to hang out.
Ummmm?
The sweats start.
Yeah – with Cormac. What you
up to?
I wait for her reply, stewing in guilt, the flavour of the day.
Ellen’s rallied her troops. Girls
night at hers.
FFS this is so hetero!
I laugh and Cormac looks over.
‘It’s Meg.’
He gives a thumbs up. ‘Tell her I said hey and that our family are proud allies.’
I give him the finger.
Enjoy ladies night and the division
of the sexes #ladsladslads
Then I add:
Can we definitely develop the pics
tomorrow?
Yeah – I can’t think about
anything else!
Same!
Aside from Paul being single…
Right, off to my coven. Come to
mine first thing. Boys stink etc. etc.
My resolve to be a supportive friend is challenged the moment Paul opens the door in a vest top.
‘All right, mate?’ Cormac gives him a straight-guy hug. Two seconds with a slap on the shoulder to signify this is a temporary display of conviviality and not intimacy.
Paul shrugs. ‘Not too bad.’
I wave. ‘Hey, really sorry. You OK?’ I awkwardly go in for the hug, trying to copy Cormac’s technique. I’m not really a hugger.
‘Bit shit, to be honest.’ He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. ‘Thanks for coming. You feeling better?’
‘Yeah, just hadn’t eaten properly.’
‘That’s good.’ He walks heavily into the house and my guilt is back. I’ve been so caught up in my straight-boy fantasy, I forget he might actually be a human being with feelings. I need to be a friend tonight.
He gives us a beer each and we sit in the garden. Cormac talks about the new job, but when we get on to our second beer he asks the big question.
‘So, what happened with Ellen?’
I put down my drink. I don’t really want to have a second one anyway. I’m a little light-headed. Banshee or not, I did faint today.
Paul leans forward and puts his face in his hands. ‘I don’t know. She’s amazing, but I’m not feeling it any more.’
Cormac nods. ‘Fair play. You can’t fake it, like.’
‘Yeah,’ I say as wisely as I can. Seriously, though, what is my life? A few hours ago I was running around with Meg, trying to work out the identity of a spirit that’s hounding me. Now I’m sat with the ‘lads’ talking about a break-up.
Paul sighs. ‘We had a fight. We were out shopping again for the wedding and then she was talking about what we should wear to her formal in two years and…’ He takes another drink. ‘And I said how did she know we’d still be together.’
‘Oof,’ says Cormac.
‘Yeah,’ I say. Really nailing human conversation tonight.
‘We got into this massive fight. She kept saying how could I not think we had a future, and I said maybe we don’t and that she needed to let me have some space.’ He shrugs. ‘I know I’m a dick for saying that, but it was how I felt.’
Cormac slaps him on the back. ‘Yeah, man, you were honest. Right, Michael?’
I think back to discussions I had with Ben like this. All the times he would cancel on me, or be cold, or tell me I was being too needy. He was always telling me how he felt, telling me how things were.
I speak before I can stop myself. ‘Sorry, but you don’t get points for being honest about your dickiness if you aren’t doing anything about it.
You should actively try not to be a dick.
And also, you weren’t really honest, because you weren’t feeling it any more but you didn’t tell her that. ’ Then I hiccup.
Cormac makes a little ‘o’ with his mouth and picks up his beer. Paul stares at me and frowns.
Shit.
‘Oh, Paul, sorry. I didn’t mean—’
He puts up his hands. ‘No, no, you’re right. I’m a dick.’
I hate alcohol.
‘No, you’re not. Sorry, I’m being a dick. I was… It’s just… I’ve been there, and it sucks when a b—’
Fuck.
I cough. ‘When someone treats you like that.’
He raises his eyebrows at me.
Cormac drains the rest of his drink in one go. ‘That sucks, cuz.’
‘Yeah, sorry,’ says Paul. ‘And you’re right. I should’ve told her how I felt ages ago.’
‘Why didn’t you?’ asks Cormac.
‘I don’t know.’
I think of Ben keeping us a secret. Not letting me get too close. Freaking out about any feelings he was having.
‘Maybe you’re scared,’ I say.
Our eyes meet for a moment, then he shifts his gaze to the night sky. ‘Yeah, I think I am.’
We sit in silence for a while. I miss Ben.
I miss our friendship, and our laughs and his arms around me.
He was the friend I turned to for everything, but I wanted more.
I wanted him to be there for me as a partner.
I’ve been so angry at him for not giving me what I wanted, and terrified of losing what we did have, that I couldn’t see or didn’t care that he might be scared of what was happening between us. I thought he was too hot for feelings.
It’s the same with Paul. I’ve had him pigeonholed as a good-looking charmer but maybe he’s as scared as me in his own way.
Why are boys such idiots?
‘You OK?’ I ask.
Paul smiles. ‘Yeah.’ Then he lets out a slow breath. ‘Nah, actually I’m not. I feel like crap.’
Cormac gives him a hug. A proper one this time. ‘You’ll be all right, mate.’
They part and Paul turns to me. ‘Thank you.’
I shrug. ‘I didn’t do anything.’
‘Yeah, you did. You called me a dick.’ And before I can argue, Paul puts his hand on mine and squeezes it.
We stay like that for a few seconds. His hand is warm and firm, and I’m afraid to breathe.
‘Another drink?’ asks Cormac.
‘Go on then.’ Paul takes his hand away.
‘No, thanks,’ I say, and rest my hand on my stomach, still tingling from Paul’s touch. ‘I don’t need anything else.’
And maybe I don’t.
I text Ben.
Hey I’ve been a bit caught up in
the move here but wanted to
check how you are
Three dots stop and start, until eventually his message pops up.
All good, cheers
Well, it’s a start. I put my phone away. I am now a boundaried and respectful friend who is ready to acknowledge the emotional complexities of straight and maybe straight guys. I will not flirt with them or obsess over the fact that a newly single one just held my hand.
Sure…