Chapter Twenty-Two #2
We assure her it’s all fine and she goes. The beeps from the machines fill the vacuum between us, and my eyes follow the wires that trace Dad’s body.
‘I won’t do it again.’ She strokes his arm. ‘I swear to you both. I won’t. But…’ Her eyes are on me. ‘Stay away from them, Michael. Please.’
My eyes narrow. ‘Oh, I’m done with all of this. I don’t want to end up in a hospital bed.’
She nods. ‘That’s good.’
I stand. ‘And I don’t want to end up like you.’ She reaches out, but I step away, making a silent promise as I leave the ward.
I’m going to find a way to ignore the Morrigan.
I sit in the waiting area for Mum to come back from seeing Dad. She lets out a long breath.
‘Want to get some air?’ I ask.
‘I really do.’
‘How’re you?’ I ask as we step into the corridor. I think it’s the first time I’ve asked it since we got to Belfast. I’ve been so caught up in my own stuff.
‘Oh, you know. Fucking awful!’
She never swears and I laugh. ‘Sorry, that’s not funny!’
She shrugs. ‘Oh, nothing about this is funny, but sure, what else can we do? How’re you?’
‘Really fucking awful.’
She snorts her biggest laugh and we try to stifle our giggles as we walk past a serious-looking doctor.
She puts an arm round me. ‘It’s all a bit much, isn’t it?’
‘Yep.’
She squeezes my shoulder. ‘We’ll get through this.’
‘Do you think he’ll…’ I can’t finish the thought or the sentence.
‘He’s a fighter. Even with everything he’s been through. He’ll fight to be well. He’ll fight for you.’
He left me though.
Mum picks at her nail.
He left us. To try to change the past. To save Granda Frank and Brigid. Whoever she was. An ex?
I wonder how much Mum knows about all of this. About Dad’s powers and his past. I won’t bring it up though. If she doesn’t know, I’m not going to drag her into it.
I turn to face her and swallow at the thickness in my throat. ‘I’m really sorry for what you’ve gone through this year. I don’t think I’ve said that enough.’
She gives me a kiss on the forehead. ‘You’ve nothing to apologise for.’
‘I do though. I made it all about me. I can be a bit of a twat…’
She puts a hand on my cheek. ‘Not sure how crazy I am about the language, but I think we’ve both had our moments. I should’ve told you what I knew.’
‘Which was…?’
She squeezes her eyes shut. ‘I wish you’d known him when he was younger, Michael. He was the funniest person I’d ever met. Yes, a bit emo, but he made it work. There was a darkness there, but he was kind and so sensitive. You can see how it came through in his work.’
‘What does that have to do with where he’s been?’
‘I’m getting there. What I’m trying to say is, he wasn’t always so shut off, so moody.
And the drinking…’ She lets out a breath.
‘The drinking just got worse and worse. He tried quitting so many times, but you remember what it was like? His moods were even worse when he was sober. But I’d had it, Michael.
I couldn’t face living with an addict, trying to ignore him drinking himself to death, pretending I didn’t know about the vodka bottles in the back of the wardrobe.
I was tired of hiding it from you.’ She smiles sadly. ‘But you knew, didn’t you?’
I nod.
She squeezes my arm. ‘Of course you did. So I made him choose. I said he had to get help or I’d leave him.’
I hold my breath. This is it.
‘And one day…’ Her voice cracks. ‘One day I woke to a note, saying You’re right, I’m going to get help.
That was it.’ Her frown deepens. ‘All those years of marriage, everything we’d been through and he just disappears.
Off to “get help”. I didn’t know what that meant.
I called everyone we knew, even a man who was his sponsor the first time he went to AA.
He said Jack had messaged him saying he was going to get sober, but he didn’t know where he was.
She shakes her head. ‘And that’s it, Michael.
He just left us. I could murder him, if I didn’t love the bastard. ’
I can’t stand seeing her like this.
‘I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. I thought you’d blame me for sending him away.’
‘No, never.’
I feel useless. I’ve spent six months convinced she’s been keeping a secret from me. Which in a way she has. She’s been feeling as abandoned as me. And now I can’t even tell her what I know about him. That he’s been here trying to deal with his past.
I give her a hug. I count to twenty like Meg taught me, until she’s breathing steadily. I give her a squeeze then step back. She’s smiling at me, eyes red and tired, but still, she’s smiling. ‘Thank you. I needed that.’
‘Me too. What’ll we do now?’
She shrugs. ‘Oh, I don’t know. We take it one day at a time and start being more honest with each other. Deal?’
‘Yeah, definitely.’ I ignore the pang of guilt. I can’t tell her everything.
We head towards the exit. ‘Well,’ she says, ‘I’m not going to ask you about it now. But, when you’re ready, I want you to tell me the truth about what you were doing out on those streets last night and how you found him.’
Shit.
‘I will, soon. It’s just…’
She stops and raises a hand gently. ‘It’s OK. Not now. We’re still in shock. But we need to tell each other the truth from now on. We need to trust each other.’
I think of all the things I’ve kept from her. It’s a lot and I’m not sure it’s my place to say it all. Does she really need to know? Maybe I just don’t keep any new secrets from this point on.
Draw a line.
Now that I’m done with my powers.
‘I will. I promise.’
‘OK, good. Because no matter what happens next, it’s you and me. We need to be there for each other. You need to be honest with me.’ She nudges me. ‘Well, as much as a teenage boy can be with his mother.’ She winks.
I go bright red and she smirks.
Why is my mum so sassy in the hospital?
‘By the way, have you let Ben know about your dad?’
Ben?
It hadn’t even crossed my mind to tell him. I’d barely thought about him at all, not since Paul and I—
Paul!
Nope. I can’t deal with either of them right this moment.
‘No, I will do.’
She smiles. ‘I’m sure he’d want to know.’
As she walks outside, I message Ben.
Then Paul.