Chapter Twenty-Four
I bang a bit too loudly on Paul’s door and he answers with an eyebrow raised. ‘You all right?’
No.
‘Yeah, good. You?’
‘I’m sweet.’ He smiles his standard charming smile.
Usually that bloody grin knocks me off my feet, but it’s not landing today.
My breath is still heavy from stomping away from Meg.
What was she thinking, doing that ritual?
Capturing a crow! I shudder as I picture it perched behind her. Like a familiar.
It’s all a game to her.
‘Sure you’re OK?’ Paul asks.
‘Yeah, sorry. Rough day.’
‘Sorry, man.’ He steps forward to give me a hug.
I forget myself in the embrace and rest my chin on his very firm shoulder.
‘Is that our Michael?’ Cormac shouts through the house.
Paul and I move apart, and his grin is back. It’s having a bit more of an effect now. My stomach fizzes as we head into the living room.
Cormac is on the floor, resting against an armchair cradling a controller. ‘Where’s Meg?’
Cosplaying as Wednesday Addams.
‘She’s not feeling well.’
He shrugs. ‘Fair play. Any news from the hospital?’
I shake my head.
‘Sorry, cuz.’ He jumps up and slaps me on the back. ‘Wanna talk about it?’
Where would I start? I’m devastated about Dad, but pissed off that he’s put us through all of this. I’m angry at Nanny Bet for all the lies, but full of sympathy for what she’s gone through. And I’m furious at Meg for not understanding, while my heart’s breaking at losing our friendship.
‘No, I just really, really want to get drunk.’
Cormac raises an eyebrow and blinks. ‘Well, that we can definitely help with. Right?’
Paul nods. ‘Whatever you need, man.’
I need to forget about everything, even if only for a few hours.
‘I need a beer.’
‘Sorted.’ Paul grins.
I smile back.
Let’s do this.
I drink two beers in about half an hour while Paul and Cormac finish their football game.
Paul offers to turn it off, but I say no.
I stare at the digital men running around the screen with their little ball and wait for the alcohol to take effect.
I finally get a text back from Ben in response to telling him about my dad being in intensive care.
really sorry mate
No problem MATE
That was rude. I guess the beer is starting to kick in after all.
But good. Fuck him. Fuck Ben. Fuck Meg. Fuck the Morrigan. Fuck those fucking fuckety crows!
I silence my phone and get more beers from the fridge. My brain starts to settle and there’s a warm fuzziness in the back of my head. We head outside and sit in the garden.
Cormac is talking about a girl he likes from the coffee shop. ‘She’s really fancy, South Belfast, like upmarket, oldmoney Protestant, you know?’ Paul laughs and I join in, even though I’ve no idea why this is funny.
I slap him on the back. ‘You should go for it, cuz.’
Cormac laughs. ‘Oh yeah, should I?’
‘Yeah, you’re the best!’
He blushes. ‘She’s really posh though. She said her ma was an architect.’
Paul takes a swig of beer. ‘That is posh.’
I put my beer down on the table. ‘No, but, like, you could be her, like, you know, opposites-attract guy.’
Cormac puts his hand on his chest. ‘Are you suggesting I be her tawdry little secret from the grimy streets of West Belfast. Have an illicit affair that pushes against the religious and class barriers that bind us all? Am I to be a secret side piece to a lady from the other side of the Lagan?’
I nod. ‘Yeah, you can be her bit of rough.’
Cormac laughs. ‘I like drunk Michael. He gets me.’
I beam at him. ‘Aww! You’re the best cousin.’
Cormac clinks his can against mine. ‘Thanks, pal.’
Paul is leaning back on his chair and I can feel his eyes on me and I like it. I want to feel at ease like this. Not care what anyone thinks. I want to have fun.
A heavy drop of rain falls on my head. ‘Boo,’ I shout at it, which sets Paul and Cormac laughing again. ‘What?’ I say. Then I hiccup and they carry on laughing at me and I don’t care. People are laughing at something stupid I did and I don’t care. I feel free and silly.
As the rain starts to fall, a dull ache throbs at the back of my head and there’s a glow on my face. I turn to see a light shining up from a few streets away. They’re trying to draw me to a vision, but the light seems dimmer than before.
Thank you, beer!
I feel compelled to go to it, but I resist.
‘Let’s go in,’ I say, and as Paul and Cormac head towards the door I raise a finger towards the light. ‘Fuck you!’
It flares and a sting lashes across my forehead that causes me to stumble backwards. I regain my balance then follow the others.
We’re out of beer. Cormac asks if I want to head home and I say no. The light is pouring in through the back window. If alcohol dulls the effect then… ‘I want to drink more.’
I spot Paul sharing a look with Cormac. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes. I need this, please.’
He pats me on the back. ‘OK, but drink some water, yeah?’
I roll my eyes. ‘OK, doctor.’
He and Cormac both frown.
Doctor. They’re thinking about Dad in the hospital. Guilt lands on me like a heavy coat. ‘That was stupid, wasn’t it?’
Cormac gives me a hug. ‘No, you’re all good. But I think maybe you could do with that water and something to eat.’
Paul pours me a glass and I gulp it down. The easy, relaxed flow is gone. I’m heavy, clumsy and dumb. I don’t want Paul to see me like this.
Screw the visions. I suggest going home, but Cormac thinks I should sober up first. They direct me to the sofa and stick on a crappy film about a spy. I try to follow the plot, but I’m lost in my own thoughts and distracted by a light now shining in through the front window.
Leave me alone.
Paul heats some pizzas and I devour mine.
By the end of the film, I’m starting to feel more like myself.
‘Sorry I was a bit of a lightweight earlier.’
‘You were grand,’ says Paul. ‘You’ve had a rough day.’
‘So, I didn’t make a dick of myself?’
‘Nah,’ says Cormac. ‘It was nice to see you relax a bit.’
I smile. ‘Thanks. I’ve had a really good night.’
We put on another film, the three of us squeezed on the sofa.
Paul sits in the middle and his arm rests against mine.
It’s a buddy comedy thing with an unlikely duo.
Paul and Cormac are cracking up at it and that makes me smile.
I sit back and sip on the Coke that I’ve wisely moved on to.
Mum texts to see if I’m OK and says there’s no change.
I tell her yes, because right now I am. Probably because I’m still a little drunk, but who cares?
About halfway through the film Cormac jumps up. ‘Shit, it’s nearly twelve. I have an early shift tomorrow and my da will murder me if I get home late.’
Paul hits pause on the film and stretches his arms up.
‘Ah, no way.’ He glances at me, then back at Cormac.
‘You can’t watch the rest of it?’ Does he want me to say something?
Does he want me to stay? He winks and my heart thumps; like actually thumps in an ‘oh my God I can literally feel my heart fully pounding in my chest and I had no idea hearts could do this outside of love stories and it’s so loud that surely he can hear it too’-type thump.
‘Oh yeah, can we not watch the rest? It must be near done,’ I say.
Paul smiles.
My heart thumps louder.
‘Nah,’ Cormac says. ‘I’ve seen it already.’
Shit.
He picks up his jacket. ‘Do you wanna stay and watch the rest?’
My heart thumps like a thumping thing.
Paul shrugs. ‘Fine with me. Stay for a bit?’
My heart is now thumping like that Muppet drummer on amphetamines.
‘OK.’ I squeak slightly.
‘No sweat,’ says Cormac. ‘Cheers for tonight, fella.’ He gives Paul a guy hug, then turns to me. ‘See ya in the morning. You got a key, right?’
‘Nobody will mind, will they? Don’t want to wake anyone.’
‘All good. Just text your ma to let her know you’re not walking the streets again, and come in quietly. Laters, gentlemen. Some of us need to rest before another day earning dollar in the big grind.’ He bows and goes.
Paul grins. ‘Your cousin’s a geg.’
I laugh. ‘Yeah.’
I’m hyper-aware of Paul, and his arms, and his face, and his lips as they part into his easy grin. ‘Shall we?’ He falls back onto the sofa beside me.
He hits play and I text Mum.
Finishing a film at Paul’s. Will be
home soon
I have no comprehension of what is going on in the film at this point.
Paul’s arm is still against mine despite having more sofa space, and the heat is radiating off him.
He laughs loudly at a joke and shifts position.
The very obviously attractive but easy-going guy in the film is giving the very obviously attractive but uptight guy dating advice. I fake a laugh too.
I think I’ve read way too much into this situation and should probably go before I make a fool of myself. Maybe I can catch up with Cormac?
The buddies in the film are on a double date now. Easygoing guy is being too cocky and his date is not impressed, whereas uptight guy is making his date laugh. Paul shifts again, spreading his legs so his knee rests against mine.
My breathing slows down. I stare straight ahead as uptight guy and the beautiful woman fall into her apartment and start having all the sex.
My chest and stomach are burning. My neck is like a radiator under my ears.
My eyes are glued to the screen and I’m painfully aware that if I don’t shift away from this guy my body is going to do a very unsubtle thing.
I move my leg and turn to Paul.
He’s staring at me, his mouth raised in the slightest of smiles.
His hand rests on mine. Warm and strong.
‘Hey,’ I say.
‘Hey.’
Then he closes his eyes, leans in and kisses me.
At first I’m too surprised to respond.
His lips are soft and sweet from the Coke. His stubble grazes my upper lip and my chest moves towards him as a wave of heat washes over me.
He pulls back. ‘That OK?’
‘Fuck, yeah.’
My lips move to his and we kiss again. The hottest guy ever is kissing me, and he made the first move.
I run my hands over his arms and lean into the best second kiss in recorded history.
It is soft and sensual, but urgent. My hands are at the back of his head, his are on my legs.
They move up, tracing along my thighs, to my waist, up my chest, then they’re on my back.
He grips me there and pulls me on top of him as we fall back onto the sofa.
Hands are everywhere, his tongue is pushing against mine, exploring my mouth.
My body is on fire.
We pause and my mouth is by his ear. ‘Wow.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Have you ever…with a guy?’
He traces a finger on my back. ‘Never.’
I lift myself up. ‘And…?’
He purses his lips slightly. ‘Not bad.’
‘Oh yeah?’
He smirks. ‘Not bad at all.’
I kiss him again. I can’t believe this is happening. The film carries on, but it’s all background noise now as I push myself against Paul, enjoying his gasp as I kiss his neck.
He moves his hands to the side of my face, his fingers sending jolts of electricity into my ears. ‘Just one thing.’
‘Yeah?’
His eyes look past me. ‘I can’t… Nobody can know about this.’
There it is.
‘Oh.’
‘I’m still trying to figure things out, you know? I’ve never…’
My head aches as the light from the vision shines through the window. ‘Yeah, I get that. I just don’t know…’
Paul sits back. ‘Sorry, look, I like you. I’ve liked you since I met you.’
‘Really?’
He blushes. ‘Yeah, ever since you walked in on me in the bathroom.’ He laughs as I blush. ‘No, it was sweet. You make me laugh and, I dunno, I’ve wanted to kiss you. I’ve wanted this. I think it’s why I ended things with Ellen. I’ve never felt… This feels different. Know what I mean?’
I nod.
‘But…I can’t just… I don’t know what this is yet, what I am. But I know I want to do this, with you…’
He strokes my hand. I should go.
‘I mean, you haven’t told your family either, right?’
I take my hand away. ‘No, but I want to.’
Do I?
‘I just need some time. I won’t mess you about, I promise.’
I shrug. I so want this to be different to Ben. Maybe it will be. He likes me.
Paul puts his hand on mine again. ‘I understand if you wanna stop. I just want to be honest with you.’
I lean in. ‘I don’t want to stop.’
‘And you’ll keep this between us?’
My stomach twists. This is depressingly familiar territory. There’s a dull throb as I mutter, ‘Absolutely.’
We kiss. A lot. We don’t stop until well after the credits finish.
I sneak home, ignoring the light blazing from the bottom of the estate and go to sleep with a smile on my face and my chest heavy with another secret.