Chapter Twenty-Six
Cormac is lying on the sofa when I burst in. He’s wrapped in a blanket with a plaster on his forehead, his cheek scratched and blood-smeared. Aunt Sheila is pushing his hair back to check for more damage.
He sits up. ‘Stop making a big deal about it,’ he says, his voice thinner than usual.
‘You’ll do what you’re told, you wee shite.’ She kisses his head. ‘Love you.’
‘Love you.’ Cormac smiles at her then nods at me. ‘Hey.’
Sheila turns. ‘Ah, Michael, love. Don’t look so frightened. He’ll be OK. Good of you to come back.’
It’s all my fault.
She gives me a hug. ‘Let’s get you both a cup of tea.’
‘And a biscuit, please, doctor?’ says Cormac.
‘Chancer,’ says Sheila, shaking her head as she leaves.
I stand in the middle of the room. ‘What happened?’
He winces as he sits up. ‘Bird flew right in front of my face and I didn’t see the car coming.’
I hear them calling from outside, taunting me.
‘Did you get hit?’
‘Nah, the driver swerved and I jumped at the last minute, proper Jedi-style.’
‘Are you really OK?’
He shrugs and rubs his wrist. ‘Pretty much. Though my Olympic javelin career is over before it started.’
I bite my lip. ‘I’m so sorry.’
Cormac frowns. ‘For what?’
My cheeks burn. ‘For snapping at you and you nearly getting hit by a car.’
He rolls his eyes. ‘I love you, cuz, but you definitely have main character syndrome. I was just a bit freaked out by the crows and didn’t look where I was going. My P2 teacher would not be happy with my Green Cross Coding. No playtime for Cormac.’
I laugh at the joke and perch beside him on the sofa. ‘I know, but our fight. I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry’
He pats my hand. ‘Well, cheers, but I was being a nosy fucker. Look –’ he glances towards the door and lowers his voice – ‘despite how I get on, I’m not stupid. I know you’re gay and I know something’s happening with you and Paul.’
My mouth drops. ‘I…’
‘You’re not the best actor, mate.’ He grins. ‘I don’t care what you get up to, but I was pissed you guys weren’t telling me what was going on. I was worried you thought you couldn’t trust me. Like, I’m not a homophobe or anything.’
I edge towards him. ‘No, no, no. I wish I’d said. I just… I don’t know – nobody in the family knows. I was scared. And Paul doesn’t want anyone to know.’ I look away as the shame heats my neck.
He leans forward. ‘I get it. We all love you, cuz.’
He offers his hand and I squeeze it then go for a hug. Cormac lets out a tiny gasp of pain.
‘Shit. Sorry. Thank you. I love you too. I just wish coming out to you didn’t involve you nearly getting hit by a car.’
He shrugs. ‘We live for the drama though, to be fair.’
‘True.’
‘Those crows though. What was that?’
I tense. My skin tingles. I know we’re being watched. ‘No idea.’
‘I swear, there were so many. It was like that old film. Creepy bastards. Is this, like, normal crow behaviour?’
‘No.’
‘Then why the fuck are they being so extra?’
Because of me.
‘No idea. Can I do anything?’
‘Nah, all good. My da is being extra nice. All it took was a minor accident. He’s out getting me a special chow mein. Oh, wait, can you call Meg? She keeps messaging me about you. Are you two not talking?’
Go away, Meg!
I nod. ‘Leave it with me. Enjoy the chow mein. I’m heading to the hospital. There’s something I need to do.’
‘How do you ignore the Morrigan and stop the visions?’
Nanny Bet looks up from her seat. We’ve not spoken properly since our fight. She rubs at her wedding ring. ‘Are they getting worse?’
‘They’re everywhere. And the Morrigan attacked Cormac.’ I raise a hand as she goes to speak. ‘He’s fine, but I can’t do this any more.’
A frown. ‘I’m sorry. They don’t like being ignored. Come here.’
She opens her arms for a hug, but I hold back. I’m not ready. ‘Can you help me?’ I force a smile. ‘Please.’
She looks out of the window at the tree. There are crows on all the branches, their caws audible even through the thick double glazing. ‘I will. I won’t let them take you too.’ She turns her attention back to me. ‘Are you still recording the visions?’
‘No… Well, one. Of the girl – Brigid. I saw her on the street. Who was—’ Nanny Bet goes pale and shuts her eyes.
Ask her.
Stop. I promised myself I would let this go. No more questions, no searching for answers. It helps nothing.
‘I’ve been trying to ignore them, but it’s getting too much. Will you help me?’
‘Michael…’
She points to the empty seat beside her and I sit.
She places a cold hand on mine. I tense, but don’t pull away. ‘I’ll help you any way that I can. But it’s going to be hard.’
‘I know.’
‘Will you ever forgive me?’ Her voice is small and it gets into the cracks in my chest and twists my heart.
‘I want to.’
She lifts her hand. ‘Well, that’s a start.’ She looks in the direction of the waiting-room door. ‘It’d be better if you were to come and stay with me for a few days. Work together on this. I don’t want to upset your mummy or take you away from the family, but—’
‘Yes, OK.’ I think of the awkward dinners and sharing a room. I want my own space. I need my own space. I don’t fully trust Nanny Bet, but at least with her it’s out there. We don’t walk on eggshells round each other. We just tell lies.
Nanny Bet smiles. ‘We’re going to get through this. I’ll protect you.’
Like you protected Dad?
‘Thank you.’
Mum says she’s fine with me staying at Nanny Bet’s. I don’t believe her.
I’m grateful to have a reason to not see Paul after his notdate with Ellen though.
No worries, we’re still out anyway
Of course they are. You’re an idiot, Michael.
I try not to think about him as I fill my suitcase.
I pack the envelope of photos along with Dad’s notebook, wallet and the pinhole camera.
I’m tempted to leave them here, but if Cormac or anyone was to find them, I’d have a tough time explaining.
I want to destroy them, but I can’t risk what forgetting would mean.
I have to live with what I know, like Nanny Bet did.
And Dad too…
He was looking so frail in the hospital today. He’s lost weight and now the cuts and swelling on his face are healing, his cheekbones poke out like painful ridges.
Sheila gives me a massive hug and I promise I’ll be back soon.
Mum pulls up outside Nanny Bet’s, her fingers tapping on the steering wheel. ‘Love you.’
‘You too.’ I give her a kiss on the cheek. ‘See you tomorrow at the hospital.’
She nods but doesn’t speak as I get out of the car. It hurts like fuck, but what can I do?
Nanny Bet puts the kettle on as I go to unpack in Dad’s old room.
Fergal is lying on the bed and hisses at me, his cone of shame stopping him getting at the stitches on his side.
I pull open the bottom drawer of the wardrobe and put in the photos and Dad’s camera and notebook.
I keep his wallet in my jacket pocket though. It smells like him.
We sip on our drinks in the living room. The clock ticks.
‘So,’ says Nanny Bet, ‘when did you last see a vision.’
‘Well, I think this afternoon. Though I guess I could be seeing more and forgetting them, right?’ My head hurts with the frustration of it all.
‘No, even if you aren’t seeing the visions themselves, you’ll remember that they’ve attempted to contact you. Every triggering of a vision is a message from the Morrigan. A call to action. Something she wants us to know, something she wants remembered. Another tale she wants told.’
The pale, terrible beauty of her face, arms outstretched, voice like ice, pierces my mind.
File báis.
‘How do I stop her?’
Nanny Bet stands up. ‘You can’t. She’s a goddess.’
I sag. ‘So how do you…’
She smiles thinly. ‘You live with it. With time and patience, you can learn to look away. The lights will diminish even if the pain is always there.’
‘You still have headaches?’
She runs a hand through her hair. ‘All the time. Every moment of every day. But it’s better than seeing the horrors they throw at us.’
What has she been living with? ‘I’d no idea.’
‘It’s my choice. And it can be yours too, if you’re prepared to pay the price.’
I nod.
She starts walking towards the back door. ‘Come on then. Let’s learn how to defy a goddess.’
The lights across the city are twinkling as night closes in around us. Nanny Bet has a cardigan wrapped round her and I’ve my jacket on as we sit on the garden chairs. Goosebumps prickle my neck as I spy black feathers moving among the leaves of the shadowy trees.
‘Why are we out here?’ I ask.
Nanny Bet speaks calmly. ‘We’re waiting for them to call out to you.’
‘How do you know they’ll do it?’
She folds her arms. ‘Because they want you for their own, and they know I won’t let them take you if I can help it.’ Her chin is raised defiantly, her dark eyes watching me as alert as the crows that I know are watching both of us.
‘Thank you for this,’ I say.
I want to say more, but my phone beeps. Another message from Meg. I turn it off without looking.
‘Now, when it starts I want you to turn from the light and focus entirely on what I’m saying, OK?’
My mouth dries, anticipation bubbling in my stomach.
‘Until then, take deep breaths. Try to calm yourself, Michael. They’ll call you soon.’
And they do.
It begins as always with the pain in my head. Crows call from the trees.
‘It’s starting.’
Nanny Bet rolls her shoulders back. ‘Yes, I feel it too. Are you ready?’
The air around us brightens.
‘Yes.’
Static electricity fills the garden. The scent of earth and iron steams from the grass.
‘Look at me, Michael.’ Nanny Bet’s voice pulls me back. ‘Remember to breathe.’
I focus on Nanny Bet’s eyes. So like Dad’s. How have I never noticed that before? I follow the rhythm of her breaths. In and out. In and out.
The light intensifies, wing-beats crash against me and scalding pains rake my scalp.
I cry out.
‘Focus, Michael, focus.’ Nanny Bet’s brow furrows in pain.
The light is so bright I have to blink. In that brief second, the sound of the vision envelops me. I hear Dad shouting.
‘Murderer!’
Nanny Bet grips my hands. ‘Stay with me, Michael! Don’t let go.’
I want to turn towards the sound. To give in. To let the vision take over. But Nanny Bet keeps me anchored.
There’s a voice – an English voice. The soldier is shouting at Dad. ‘Back away!’
The strength of the vision drowns out Nanny Bet.
I turn as Dad calls out, ‘Brigid.’
Nanny Bet digs her nails into my hand and the pain rips me away from the sounds of the past.
She’s gripping me tight. ‘Focus on—’
Her words are cut off by an explosion of light that knocks us both off our chairs. My ears are filled with the scream of crows and a child crying out in pain.
I blink as the cool grass brings me to my senses. My arm aches.
‘Michael, get up.’ Meg is standing over me, her skin a stark white against the darkening sky.
‘What’s going on?’
Nanny Bet is lying face down on the ground. I freeze as my brain tries to make sense of what’s happening.
‘Nan?’
She groans and sits up, rubbing her head.
I stumble to her side. ‘Are you OK?’
‘Yes, fine. We need to get inside before—’ Her eyes narrow on Meg. ‘What are you doing here?’
Meg’s arms are behind her back and she’s chewing her lip. It’s bright red and my stomach swims as I remember the smell of raw meat in her room. ‘I came to see Michael.’
‘How did you know I was here?’ Heat claws at my neck. ‘You were spying on me again?’
She holds her hands up. ‘Cormac told me. I was worried about you.’ Her eyes dart to Nanny Bet, who’s dusting soil from her trousers.
I go to help her up. ‘We’re fine. She’s helping me.’
‘To do what?’ says Meg. Her voice is cold.
‘To stop the Morrigan messing up our lives.’
Meg rubs her temples. Her nails are painted black but the beds are bloody, the skin torn. ‘You can’t stop her. Not any more.’
‘What’re you talking about?’
Crows call from the tree above and Meg gazes up at them. Nanny Bet grips my wrist. ‘We need to get inside. Right now.’
I break free and take a step towards Meg. ‘What do you mean?’
Meg’s hand goes to her chest and a glint reveals a new acorn necklace. ‘I completed the Imbas Forasnai, Michael. I didn’t need you after all.’
Nanny Bet’s breathing is quickening behind me. ‘Oh no.’
‘The most incredible thing happened.’ Meg takes a step towards me.
Her face glowing red in the dark room.
I swallow. ‘What happened?’
Meg smiles. Wide, beautiful and full of joy. ‘Oh, Michael.’ Her voices rustles like dry leaves. ‘Is mise an bás.’
The words sound ancient and weighty as they fill the space between us. There’s a beating of wings as a crow lands on her shoulder. She raises her chin and her eyes cloud black as she speaks the words in English.
‘I am death.’