Chapter Eighteen #3
‘I asked you to show us a secluded beach and Gilda felt unwell due to the steep descent and remained up on the cliff.’
‘That wasn’t very gallant of you to leave her there,’ I say, taking another of many punts.
He chuckles and squeezes my hand playfully. ‘She insisted.’
‘You were very quick to agree.’
‘You didn’t protest.’
I smile, hoping he will continue reminiscing so I can learn something of their past.
‘The truth is, even back then, I wanted to be alone with you,’ he continues.
‘And I you,’ I reply, wishing I shared a history with him. Wishing that I was creating one now. One we would reminisce about well into the future.
‘All those times we came down here to discuss plays, I just wanted to kiss you.’
‘Why didn’t you?’
He smiles across at me and pulls me close. ‘Because I wasn’t sure you wanted me to.’
‘Was I that inscrutable?’
‘You’re everyone’s best friend, Skippy.’
‘And you were, are, married,’ I add.
‘That too. I fought with my conscience for months. Until I lost the battle.’
How relieved his conscience would be if he knew what I know about his wife. ‘I don’t feel good about that, either,’ I tell him. It’s true, one can never feel good about committing adultery. ‘But I have lost that battle too.’
‘What we have is stronger than both of us.’
I gaze into the deep blue of his eyes, searching for recognition. Searching for a spark of knowing, however small. Anything, to reassure me that he senses something of me, Pixie, behind Eddie’s eyes.
I see love, pure and profound, but how can I know?
He puts his hands gently around my jaw and kisses me.
We walk hand in hand over the pebbles. In the back of my mind a whispering voice reminds me of what I’m here to do.
But I can’t bear to ruin the moment by telling him the truth.
For ruin it, I most certainly will. He might feel deceived and manipulated, or he might simply feel that Eddie has gone mad, and then I’ll ruin it for her too.
How to do it and not ruin it for us both?
There seem to be a great many birds here. Gulls, naturally, but other species too that I don’t recognise. ‘What kind of birds are they?’ I ask as we stroll towards the water.
‘Most are gulls. Do you see the one with the red beak and legs, and the black face? That’s a Mediterranean gull.
They’re rare in Britain. But I’ve seen a few here.
Especially in this cove. The herring gull with the silvery-grey feathers and pink legs is commonplace, as is the common gull, which is smaller than the herring, with a short green beak and green legs.
The one I really love is the kittiwake. They’re cheerful little birds who nest in colonies in the cliffs. ’
‘But you still love the teal best of all.’
He grins at me, pleased that I remember. ‘I do.’
‘And you’re going to paint one, for me.’
‘I will paint lots for you.’ His lips curl into a winning smile. ‘Meeting Mr Tennison was not the only reason I went to London yesterday.’
‘Oh?’
‘I went to buy supplies. I’m going to paint in earnest, Eddie.
And you’re my inspiration. Because of you, I’ve decided to take it up again.
And not just sketches, but proper paintings.
Unhappiness made me stop doing what I loved.
Happiness has inspired me to return to it.
Life is meaningless without love, and I don’t mean just romantic love, the way I love you.
’ He smiles tenderly, his affectionate gaze meeting mine.
‘But love in all its forms and expressions. Love for what we do, the places we create or find. Love for our friends.’ He looks out to sea and takes a deep, satisfied breath. ‘Love for life.’
He wraps his arms around me again and holds me tightly.
‘God, Eddie. With you, I just love everything about life. It’s bursting with beauty.
When one’s heart is full of love, one sees the world in a completely different way.
There are two worlds. The one seen through a lens of tedium, and the one seen through a lens of love. How dissimilar they both are.’
I hold him fiercely and ignore the nagging voice in my head. Tears prick the backs of my eyes, and I close them to stem the tears that threaten to break out. I can’t do it. I can’t tell him who I really am. I just can’t.
I want this moment to last forever. I want to be Eddie.
Right now, I no longer care that he can’t see me. I’m content to bathe in his love, vicariously.
But what I’m stealing for myself, I’m stealing from Eddie.
And I cannot do that for much longer. Tomorrow night I will discover how the fire starts and how Nessa meets the end of her life, and then I will have to leave her.
I will have to leave Cavill. And if I haven’t told him the truth, I will be likely to meet him again, in another body, in another slide.
In which case, I will never slide again.
He lifts my face and looks at it with concern. ‘You’re crying,’ he says softly. ‘Was it something I said?’
I shake my head and give in to the tears. ‘It’s too beautiful. It’s all too beautiful,’ I say, and like a thief, I steal another magical moment from Eddie Skipton.