Ten
TEN
M ara never told anyone this, and never actually entertained these thoughts—except when she was alone in bed, absolutely sure that nobody could intrude on said thoughts—but she had always wondered what it would truly feel like to be this adored. To have someone who wanted to keep you next to them because they couldn’t get enough of you, because they found places on your body they wanted to kiss.
Because they wanted to, you know, wanted you to feel that in that moment, you were the only object of their desires. And that for the moment, there was nothing in the world more important than making sure you knew it.
And today, Mara learned that not only was this feeling really, really good—it was intoxicating. It made her fully understand phrases like “weak in the knees,” or “lost in your eyes.” But she also learned that it meant losing a bit of control, allowing another person to adore you as they wanted. As she wanted.
She laughed at the idea as she leaned against the door of her room, hands wound around Jay’s neck while he kissed the skin of her cleavage, generous as it was and trying its best to burst out of her top. In the lazy haze of pleasure, a thought occurred to her.
“We don’t have condoms.”
“You don’t always need them,” he gasped. Admonishment was on the tip of her tongue when he suddenly looked up, his cheeks pink, his lips a little swollen. He was debauched, and it made Mara’s insides feel warm that she’d turned the cool, smooth Jay Montinola into this. “Breathe, Mara. We’re not having sex tonight.”
Oh. Was she disappointed or relieved? Unclear.
“But there are…other things we can do.”
“Oh.” Now it was Mara’s turn for her cheeks to feel hot, as she pictured the other things in question. “I like the idea of other things.”
“Okay, good.” He grinned, and Mara tore her gaze away from him to unlock the door to her room. They left their sandy shoes by the door, careful not to track any more of the beach into the room. Jay caught her from behind, his hands on her waist and skimming across the skin of her belly when she turned to face him. Mara tiptoed up to kiss him, kindling the low flame of heat growing inside her. “Just to be clear, you know the basics?”
“Birds, bees, bunnies, trees,” Mara recited. She barely held herself together at Jay’s incredulous expression. “I haven’t had sex with anyone else, but I’ve tried things. I’ve experimented with a few toys, lube, that kind of thing. I do it to sleep sometimes. It helps.”
“You have to let me know if I’m doing something you don’t like,” he warned. “Anything remotely uncomfortable, we can stop.”
“I’ll make sure we will.” She nodded. She was the one easing into the experience. Of course she was going to tell him to stop if she needed him to.
“Is there anything you want to know, or want to clear up before we do anything?”
“I just…” Mara frowned, trying to think of the proper words to say. She was aware she was giving away a part of herself with that confession, but it was a necessary part to give away. “I want you to know that I’m doing this because I want to know what sex feels like, and I want to do it with someone nice. Someone kind, if not trustworthy.”
“And I fit all three categories?”
“Well, enough,” she lied. But she wasn’t kidding when she said that Jay was nice. Jay was kind. And if he wasn’t? Well, Mara had a new brother-in-law who could track him down so Mara could make sure he regretted it. Safety nets, people.
“Who do you picture when you do?” Jay teased, stroking her cheek with his fingers, a touch that was now becoming familiar, and only made her melt more. “Someone tall, handsome?”
“Mmm, Colin Sheffield.” She named a white boy actor, and Jay rolled his eyes.
A jolt of heat ran down her spine when Jay’s hand rested low on her back. She shuddered in delight, causing him to raise an eyebrow curiously.
“Air-con,” she lied.
“I can warm you up,” he said. But then he winced. “God, that was such a Scott joke.”
“Well, now I guess I’m going to think about Scott Sabio tonight. Mmm, shoulders,” Mara said. Jay quickly refocused on his task.
When his hand slid under the strap of Mara’s dress, her hands suddenly felt ice-cold. She froze as he slowly pulled the strap down, stopping completely when she felt the top of her dress loosen, a strange, unfamiliar tingling sensation on her nipples, her breasts. They were heavy, cumbersome things most of the time. She had no idea that someone else’s touch could feel so…intimate. To add to it, she wasn’t wearing a bra, but that wasn’t what made her stop.
“Wait,” she gasped suddenly. Her hands flew up to her chest as Jay’s hands shot to his side like he was fully expecting Mara to pull a gun out of her cleavage.
“Mara?” Jay kept his hands up, but his gaze was worried as he tried to read her expression.
She should say something, but the room was suddenly too hot, her heart was beating too fast and her fingers were too cold. Maybe she should say something about the air conditioning, about needing more water, about being hungry.
None of that was the real reason why she’d stopped. Why she needed a second. She was panicking, just a little. The kind of panic she had when a situation felt out of her control.
Why out of her control?
“I—”
It was extremely difficult, having to explain a feeling she’d never encountered before. Usually (always) she had her sisters to help her break it down, parse it into words that she could repeat, words that she believed to be true. They were always a closed door, a dining table or a group chat message away. Ready anytime she needed them. But her sisters weren’t here right now, and Mara didn’t know why she felt unstable. Thank god they weren’t here, but also, oh god . They weren’t here.
“I’m okay,” she said, willing it to be true, as she continued to think about what happened. Jay had undone her top. Touched her in places that nobody had touched before and…oh. Nobody had ever touched her like this. He would be the first person who would ever see her naked, would touch her body with passion, with desire.
She wasn’t ashamed. Despite not having any kind of proper, formal sex education, Mara learned. From books and movies that danced around the topic, to friends who explained things nobody else would.
Contrary to what people assumed, Mara did not hate her body. She wasn’t always in love with her body, but she was grateful she had it. Knew how to use it, knew its limits. But her fear, her panic, came with being literally exposed to someone who would see more of her than she could control. A view of herself that she wasn’t ready yet to expose.
“You’re breathing really hard.” Jay sounded worried, and she wanted to lie again. Tell him she was fine. But it wasn’t right. She reached for him instead, and he pulled her in close, placing her hand on his chest. She could tell he slowed his breathing for her benefit. Although if he had told her that, she didn’t remember hearing it.
“There you go. Good girl.” He pressed his lips to her temple as Mara’s fingers steadily warmed. As words came back to her, and the feeling of his chest anchored her to the moment, to explaining how she felt to him. “You okay? Seemed like you went like, far away.”
Mara chuckled but said nothing.
“We can stop,” he said, his voice suddenly serious, eyes studying her carefully. It made her heart melt, how kind and patient he was. How caring.
“No! I don’t want that,” Mara assured him. It was with the usual 100 percent surety of everything she undertook in her life. There was no doubt in her mind that she wanted to do this with Jay, but what this was had lines and limits that she hadn’t learned yet.
“But?”
“But nothing,” she insisted.
“Hey,” he said, the gentlest of admonition as he lifted her chin with a finger, making her look at him, even as she knew that she could, at any time, turn away. “I need to know what you’re thinking, Mara. Communicating with your partner is lesson one.”
Ah yes. Communication. The thing she was genetically predisposed to be absolutely terrible at.
“Okay,” she said finally, pulling away from him to sit on the bed. Her back rested against the pillows and the headboard, her feet together butterfly style. Her dress wasn’t long enough to drape over her legs. When Jay sat beside her, his thumb brushed against her bare thigh, just above the knee. That felt good. It felt nice . He looked worried, and Mara wanted to kiss him more, move past this without analyzing it. But he was right. She needed to learn to say things out loud. Por dios por santo, help po.
“So.” Mara had no idea what to say next. Ah, words! The elusive chanteuse. “Nobody’s ever seen me naked. Not in recent history. And when you undid my top, I realized that I wasn’t ready for that to change yet.”
“Oh.” Jay’s mouth formed an adorable heart shape when he said that. Mara groaned and leaned against him. He made no arguments, made no list of things to tell her why she was wrong, or why he thought her body was worth showing. Instead he kissed her temple again. And that did more to reassure her than any longer thing he could have said. “For the record, I find you attractive. Very attractive.”
“I know.” She nodded. “I think so, too. I just need a little more time.”
“What would you like to do?”
He was asking her ? Waiting to hear what she had to say? How weird. Were all men this considerate when it came to sex? This giving? Everything she heard about it seemed to say that she was currently experiencing the exception, not the rule. Which was just the sad state of affairs in this world, and—
“Mara?”
Right, right. Focus. Her desires. Her wants. Because he was treating her like she was special. Like she mattered very much. She could get used to this, definitely.
“I want… I want you to touch me.”
“Mmm. Where?” His lips moved to her ear, a whisper that sent a shiver down her spine, reigniting the heat that had started to cool inside her body. “Kasi, I’m touching you now, Mara. Is this the right place?”
The roughened skin of Jay’s palms spread over her knee, not enough to contain it but enough to send her heart racing. A warm haze had fallen over the world, and there was no one in it but them.
“No,” Mara said, placing her hand over his, guiding it higher. Up her thigh, closer to where she wanted him. No other sound echoed in the room save for the hum of the air conditioner and their attempts to control their breaths.
“Here.” Mara leaned in, his hand on the inside of her thigh. Her skirt was tucked below her stomach now, and Jay’s palm brushed over the front of her underwear, already damp. He made a satisfied noise.
“Do you like touching yourself here?” he asked. Mara fell back on the bed, spreading her legs for him. His fingertip brushed the inside of the seam of her underwear, and she jolted. “Mara?”
“Y…yes.”
“Here?” Jay asked again, tracing two fingers up and down her labia, skimming the warm, wet skin there in gentle strokes. And Mara, who had never been touched by anyone else, who had always been in charge of her own pleasure, was thrilled by the idea of Jay touching her exactly where she wanted, and how. It was almost like controlling a chaos meant to be wild and reckless—at her own pace.
“No.” She shook her head, breaths coming in quick as she held back her moans. “I like playing with my clit, Jay.”
“Oh, you do?” He seemed delighted, and Mara’s faint laugh was more because this felt a little absurd and surreal. He adjusted his position so he was lying next to her, a thigh over one of hers, his free elbow supporting him just above her head. She couldn’t see his hand under her skirt, but god , she felt it, curling inside her. And the way it sent flashes of heat and tension up, down, around and through her body was delicious. So new, and so familiar.
Mara squeezed her thigh, feeling her body sink deeper in the bed. She worried for a moment that she was too careless. That maybe he was uncomfortable, maybe he didn’t like his hand feeling around in the dark. But Jay only chuckled when she asked him about it, shaking his head.
“You’re getting distracted,” he told her, resuming his ministrations. “I’ll let you know if I’m uncomfortable, and you do the same. Communication, okay?”
“Oki foine,” Mara mumbled, but the effect was lost by his fingers finding her clit, and her entire body stiffening, fingernails digging into his arm. Jay laughed, moving his fingers low to catch the moisture she’d released, spreading it around her clit as he swirled in slow circles.
She hardly recognized the sounds she was making—gasps and pleasured moans, huffed breaths. A familiar feeling of heat rose up her body, and the delicious sense of something inside her getting tighter and tighter made her twist in bed. The angle was different, the pressure harder, but she knew this feeling. Liked that she didn’t have to awkwardly angle her hand because her stomach was in the way.
Everything burst suddenly, the tightness peaking and slowly letting her go. She was panting, Jay’s hand pulling back. She lay back in the bed and looked up at him, and he blinked at her. He seemed confused. Why?
“What?” she asked him. “I was done?”
“Were you?” Jay asked.
“Yes…?” she said, uncertainly. His tone was that of genuine surprise and confusion, but it did nothing to make her less confused. “Why?”
“I don’t know how to say this without sounding like an ass.” Jay’s nose wrinkled cutely as he tried to come up with a better turn of phrase. Mara had a feeling he was not going to succeed. “But when I’ve been with other people, they usually can barely move after. It’s like the rush of being caught after falling, or something exploding inside you, in a good way.”
Mara frowned. “You’re right. You do sound like an ass.” If she hadn’t been embarrassed before, she was now. And she’d been so confident that she actually knew this part, at least!
“Do you… I mean, could I try something else?” He was being sheepish and polite. What else was there to try? She shrugged. This was supposed to be an experience. “Mara. I need you to say it, please.”
“Okay, you can try your way,” she finally said, sighing like this was a huge imposition for her. But really, if there was more to the orgasm than what she had experienced…well. It was an intriguing idea. And Jay was being direct, but kind, and she appreciated that, at least. “Wow me.”
“Okay.” His face brightened, like a puppy given permission to play. He scooted closer so she would naturally turn on her side and encouraged her to hook her left leg around him. Mara felt something hot and…erect low on her back. God, he was hard. She’d made him hard. And knowing she had the power to make Jay Montinola slightly uncomfortable was a little satisfying. Enough to make her feel a little less embarrassed.
Jay encouraged her to open her legs, the hem of her dress pooling on her waist. She was still wet between her legs, and Jay resumed the same ministrations as before. Except his fingers were going lower, deeper inside her. They started to move in earnest—her body against his hand, and his body against hers. She could feel something wet start behind her.
“Jay, you’re…you’re really into this,” she said between gasps of breath. She slid her hand between her legs and drew feathery light circles on her clit as Jay’s fingers made the same motions inside her.
Mara’s entire body shook. The heat rose up inside her again, but it didn’t feel gentle or familiar this time. It demanded her attention, her feeling, and she made a whimpering sound.
“Don’t stop,” she breathed.
“You’re surprised?” he asked, deliberately pressing deeper into her, a little lower than where he’d been playing with her clit. A place Mara only touched when she really needed her toes to curl, her body to heat up, her heart to race. “You’re sexy as hell, Mara. You tell me what you want, and I want to keep making it happen.”
“I bet,” she said between labored breaths, “you say that to all the girls.” He said nothing in response, but when he stroked her clit in light circles, she gasped sharply and said, “Harder.”
He complied. She told him again, gripping the arm that was exploring her harder, rubbing herself against his cock. Because she wanted him to know, wanted him to feel how good this was for her. Did he like this? Was he having fun yet?
“Hngh!” She stopped herself from moaning, clapping a free hand over her mouth. She needed to keep it down. This was too intimate, too private for anyone else to hear. They were definitely rutting against each other now, and Mara liked the bounce, the resistance, the little leaps of her heart. She was getting tired, but it was the good kind, the kind that made your heart race and gasp, and moan. She wanted to surrender to the twisting, building fire inside, but didn’t know how. Not yet, not yet.
“A man…likes to hear if he’s doing a good job,” Jay told her. She liked that he wasn’t totally unaffected by all this. “It’s just us, baby. Let me hear you.”
Then the heat burst, and Mara’s mouth opened in a shocked gasp. She didn’t recognize the sounds she made—sexy and delighted and tortured at the same time. As if her body was waiting for that release, she came. She came in a way that felt like a burst, a release that she’d been holding back with a tight iron grip. It lasted as long as she needed it to before she came down from her high with little whimpers and laughter because, holy shit , that was fucking hot. She was fucking hot.
Outside of that room, beyond that island, universes were born and remade in explosions just like this, and Mara could feel that with certainty as her body shuddered and Jay’s touch slowed. And Mara knew two things for certain. One, that she made the right choice in Jay Montinola. And two, that this felt right because it was with him.
“Okay,” she said, tucking her cheek into the pillow. “ That was an orgasm.”
“Good girl.” His voice was husky and slightly pained as he pulled his hand out from between her legs. His fingers were wet with her juices, and the vague, post-orgasmic thought of, what if I licked that? ran through her head. “Really good.”
“I’ve always been an excellent student,” she said, still catching her breath as she shifted in bed to face him. He still looked wound up, his lips in a tight line, his jaw strained. He hasn’t come yet. “Valedictorian in grade school, salutatorian in high school. Student council president pa.”
“C-college?” he asked as he turned to lie on his back, his erection looking very, very tense.
Mara sat up on the bed, frozen and fascinated by the sight of him—his chest was red like a blossoming sunburn, his muscles strained. There was nothing in the world that seemed to relieve him, until he put the hand that had just been inside her down the front of his pants, and he breathed a sigh.
“I…” Mara was in shock and awe, fascinated at the sounds he was making, at the speed and movement of his hand. “I slacked off. Small fish, big pond. Can I help you?”
“This is good,” he assured her, although the voice was strained. His cheeks were flushed red now. Then his eyes opened, dark and wild and hungry with desire. More so when he realized she was watching him.
What could she do? How could she make him feel like he’d made her? It was almost like a test, one Mara was determined not to fail.
“Now, Jay,” she said, making a decision. She reached out and experimentally flicked her hand over where his choco chips peeked out from under his sleeveless sando. Jay jerked, and she smiled. “What happened to communication?”
“Mmph,” was his only response. Mara liked that she was making him squirm again. She held out a hand and waited for him to nod, send a smoke signal, do something. “Please.”
She undid the drawstring on his beach shorts. Jay groaned when she peeled back his shorts, unearthing his hand and his cock under the layers of cotton and…whatever guys’ beach shorts were made of.
Mara’s eyes gasped and took it all in—the movement of his hand, the grip, the cock itself. It was longer than she expected, a little thicker. His balls contracted as he fondled them. Poor baby was doing a lot of the work.
Mara put her hand under his and copied his motions until he let her take over. They were slightly cool, and strange, but Jay seemed to like it. The tip of his cock was wet, and with her free hand, she circled her finger around the tip in the same way she liked to touch her clit. The sound Jay made would follow her to her dreams, to the next time she touched herself and pictured this.
Her hand accidentally squeezed his balls at the thought, and Jay came with a shout. Beads of hot, white liquid shot out of his cock, over his hand and a little on her. Jay sat up almost immediately, looking every bit as debauched as she felt, both looking at each other like it was the first time anyone had ever come.
“Sorry,” Jay said in between gasping, heaving breaths, brushing his hand on his shorts before he wiped off the rest of the cum that splashed on her legs. Then he collapsed back on to the bed. “Are you okay? That was—”
“Jay,” Mara said, waiting patiently.
“Do you need anything?” he asked. He looked like he really, really wanted to get up but couldn’t because he was too tired. “Sorry, I just need to catch my breath. Mara, that was hot. That was really, really hot.”
She wasn’t going to disagree. But seriously. He wasn’t going to…?
“Jay.” His eyes were already drooping shut. “Jaysohn!”
“What?” he asked, opening one eye. And maybe he was glaring, but it made Mara laugh. She grabbed a pillow and smacked it lightly on his face.
“Wash your hands,” she told him, lying back on the bed and rolling on to her stomach so she could plant a long, lingering kiss on his lips. “You dirty boy.”
His mouth hung open, and he looked like he’d been frozen. Mara laughed at his shocked, slightly dazed expression and pushed at his arm to get him to go to the bathroom. Jay closed the door behind him, and Mara sunk her face into her pillow, suppressing her giggles and kicking feet.
If this was lesson one, she had a feeling she was going to come out of this class with a perfect uno.
* * *
“How long did you say you were going to be in Boracay?” Jay asked, as he emerged from the bathroom with clean hands.
“I’m here until Monday, so four days,” Mara said a little loud, on her back and looking at the ceiling.
She felt…good. Really good, and still wholly herself, which she was grateful for. She knew that masturbating someone else (was that the correct term?) wasn’t penetrative sex, but it was intimacy, and it was good to know that she liked it.
Enough to do it again? To do more?
“Then why do you only have two bathing suits?” Jay came out of the bathroom with an incredulous look on his face.
“Judger,” Mara teased, sticking her tongue out at him. “How long are you here for?”
“I fly back Sunday afternoon,” he said, pouting as he joined her on the bed, their shoulders and thighs touching. He held a hand out to hers and squeezed it. Mara recognized the satisfied smile on his face. It was the same as the one on hers. “And I brought four beach shorts.”
“Oh my god.” Mara laughed. “I should have known. You’re a—”
“Say it. Say it!”
“An over packer,” Mara gasped, and they both laughed. The same stupid laughs you release when you and your friends just don’t want the night to be over, but you’re all too tired to do much of anything else.
But was Jay a friend? Because Mara didn’t let her other friends make her come the way he had. She never let them see this part of her, the part that wanted pleasure and liked the idea of sex. Was that what made Jay different?
“I’m glad we rode the same boat to Bora,” Jay told her, his gaze fond and sentimental, and Mara had a brief vision of many, many more nights like this. Nights in a home that they made together, where they could go to sleep at night together, and wake up still knowing who the other person was on the other side of the bed, knowing that they loved you just as much as you loved them.
She shook her head to push the image away from her mind. None of that, now.
“Even though you made me work this weekend?” Jay looked genuinely abashed by that. Mara shook her head. “Kidding. I like being useful. I’m happy I get to help Alex.”
“And this?” Jay asked, using his pursed lips to point at their clasped hands. “This is okay?”
Mara nodded. She didn’t quite have her thoughts together to express how she felt about starting this with him. She was comfortable but still a little nervous. She was relaxed, but there were still some boundaries she wasn’t ready for Jay to cross. It was a good place to be. Somewhere new, but still comfortable.
“I should go back to my room,” Jay said. “Flower thieves are notorious for acting at night. Also there’s a despedida de soltera for the girls at the hotel. Oh god, I just remembered there was a despedida de soltera for the girls at the hotel.”
“You mean the entire reason you went to Boracay?” Mara giggled, fully getting up to go to the bathroom herself to clean up. “I admire your dedication as a best man.”
“Do you want to come? I’m sure Alex would love to catch up with you.”
“Nah. Let them enjoy the evening with their guests. There’s a Thai restaurant near D’Mall that my sister recommended that’s supposed to be really good,” Mara said from the bathroom, running the sink to wash her hands. Then she’d brush her teeth. Pee.
Just hygiene things after you sort of, kind of give someone a half a hand job.
Mara put a clean hand over her mouth to cover up her sudden fit of giggles. God, they did that, didn’t they? She couldn’t believe it. It felt good. Really good, to have someone else touch you. To have someone warm and kind, and make you feel desirable, and beautiful. Mara could do all those things herself, certainly. But it was different, having Jay there, too. A shared pleasure.
“And I wanted tom yum!” she added.
“Can I come with you?” Jay yelled, presumably from the bed, still. “We can practice your date skills! I can give you a flirting lesson over pad thai.”
Right , Mara reminded herself as she finished brushing her teeth. Admittedly it did make her happiness dim just a little, like a lower setting on a lightbulb. But she shook the feeling away, because she was a big girl, and this was all part of the agreement they made with each other. And to be fair to Jay, she was learning quick.
“I think we should take a little school break tonight,” Mara said, leaning against the wall to face Jay as he lazily lifted his head from the pillow. “You’re here to be a friend to your friends. I’m here to eat Thai food. We can reconvene tomorrow at the wedding?”
It was the smarter thing to do, surely? Yes, of course Mara wanted to spend more time with him, but that was a selfish desire she didn’t want to give in to. And if Jay was hurt by the suggestion, she didn’t see it in his face.
“Sure,” Jay said, leaping off of the bed (wow, energy) to wrap his arms around her, squeezing her tightly while making a small high-pitched noise. Hay. He was caught by gigil. Mara made a little “hmph!” sound and turned around, only for Jay to wrap his arms around her neck, pulling her back against his chest. He rested his temple on the back of her head. “I’ll allow you a night off.”
“Allow, allow,” Mara snorted, rolling her eyes. “Suddenly I regret everything.”
His hold loosened on her, like he was afraid she would slip away. “Do you?”
Mara smiled and pulled his hands back down on her shoulders. “Definitely not. We’ll see each other tomorrow, okay? I’ll be the random wedding guest in the back.”
“Not just any wedding guest,” Jay murmured. “My favorite kind. My plus-one.”
Mara giggled and lifted her gaze. There was a mirror hanging on the back of the door, and she could see herself in it. Her hair was a dry, post-beach, wavy mess, her skin had just started to get dark, and the beginnings of a bit of sunburn were already starting on the tops of her cheeks and the tip of her nose. Her dress was wrinkled, and Jay’s arms were long. She could see him smiling as he cuddled her, that happy, satisfied look on his face.
She could get used to being a plus-one.