Chapter 17 Shiloh #3
The sun was turning a twilight gold when my phone vibrated with an incoming call.
“You going to get that?” Bibi asked.
“No.”
On TV, Judge Judy scolded a man for not remembering the basic facts of his own case.
“It’s Ronan, isn’t it?” Bibi said. “He’s probably worried sick about you.”
“He doesn’t want anyone to know we’re seeing each other.”
“That doesn’t sound like him.”
“He has his reasons. And we’re casual. Because I have my reasons too.”
The phone buzzed again from the coffee table.
“Shiloh.” Bibi wasn’t messing around.
I heaved a sigh and reached over to pick it up. I had two missed calls and a half-dozen texts.
Are you okay?
Shiloh?
WTF??
“It is Ronan.” I closed my eyes for long moments, then set the phone back down.
“Talk to me, baby,” Bibi said, her tone gentle now. “Come on. I know your mama didn’t do right, but I’m getting scared.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, hauling myself to sitting. My braids were getting rough, my sweatshirt stained. “I hate myself like this. Mama hates me, period.”
“She doesn’t, honey. But I hate that she makes you feel this way. So you think being alone is the only way to be strong.”
“Because it’s true. I can’t open my heart and be strong at the same time. I can’t…be in love and still be in control.” I gestured at my nest on the couch. “Look at me. Mama was here for ten minutes, and it wrecked me for three days.” I shook my head. “I have to be alone. I have work to do.”
“You choose to be alone because it’s safe. Because your mother hurts you terribly, and I’m so sorry for that, Shiloh. I’m sorry you feel the need to protect yourself. But Ronan… He’s a good man, yes?”
I nodded, my hands twisting in my lap. “But how long before…”
“How long before what, baby?”
“Before he sees what Mama sees? How long before he decides he doesn’t want me either?”
“Oh, sweet girl.” Bibi gathered me to her, held me tight.
God, I felt so pathetic. So weak. My chest torn open. Exposed. My heart bleeding for my mother and beating for Ronan. The tears tried to come, but I willed them back and shook my head.
“Never mind,” I said, gently extracting myself from Bibi’s embrace. “I’m going to school tomorrow. I’m going to get my shop. That’s my only goal. It’s where I should put my energy. Not in silly boy drama that I promised I’d never get involved in. Because I was right. It’s just a distraction.”
A beautiful, sexy, intense distraction that I can’t stop wanting.
“No, Shiloh.” Bibi’s voice was back to firm. “Marie coming here is the distraction. Don’t let her words poison you. Not against Ronan and especially not against yourself.”
I smiled for Bibi’s sake. “I’ll try,” I said, but it felt too late. Mama’s rejection had burrowed down, planting roots that had gone so deep I didn’t know how I’d ever tear them out.
We ate a quiet dinner, and soon after, Bibi went to bed. I stayed on the couch in the dark; the only light was the glare of the TV. The Simpsons was a too-bright blare of yellows, blues, and reds.
I must’ve dozed off, because I was jolted out of my skin when a hard rapping came at the door. The night was deep and dark when I peered through the peephole. Ronan was angrily pacing our front walk, rain drenching him.
I threw open the door. A square of light from the house fell over him, illuminating his face that was hard and angry. His dark hair was plastered down over his forehead and cheeks.
“What are you doing here?”
“Are you all right?” he demanded.
“Of course I am. What—”
“Good.” He practically spat the word, then turned to go. He took two steps and whirled around, whipping wet hair out of his eyes. “I mean…what the fuck, Shiloh?”
I recoiled, crossed my arms over my chest. “I stayed home for a few days.”
“You can’t answer a damn text?”
“My phone was off. I was trying to rest. So you show up at my house and… What are you doing here?”
“Nothing. Making sure you’re okay.”
I hugged myself tighter, scared of how badly I wanted to throw myself into his arms. The fear put ugly things in my mouth to push him away.
“Why? What is your crazy obsession with me? Being safe? From whom? What the hell do you think is going to happen?”
“I don’t know,” he said, frustrated. “I… Fucking hell. Never mind. Forget it.”
“We are not together. You don’t want to be seen with me.”
“I know what I said, but—”
“And I told you, I don’t have anything to give. We set up…rules. You can’t just come here and break them.”
“And you can’t just fucking disappear!” he shouted, making me flinch. His gray eyes shone silver in the rain and moonlight. Like steel. “You can tell me to fuck off, but you can’t just vanish.”
The hurt behind the anger was palpable, slamming into my chest and sinking into my heart that was already bruised and bleeding from my mother’s visit.
We stood in silence, the rain smattering the pavement the only sound. He carved a hand through his drenched hair. His stormy expression softened, his eyes trailing over my face.
“Shiloh…”
I shook my head, unwilling to break. I didn’t know how to break down in front of him. I had no idea what would happen if I did.
He nodded, resigned, and turned and walked away. The words to call him back stuck in my mouth, Mama’s warning whispering in my ear.
I watched him go until the dark swallowed him up, and then I went back inside and shut the door.