Chapter 23 Shiloh #2
“Every night.”
I tried to imagine lying down to sleep every single night of my life, knowing the horror that was waiting for me on the other side.
I bit my lip, thinking. “Not tonight. I’m going to…stand guard.”
“What?”
“You sleep, Ronan. I’ll stay awake. I’ll watch you, and if they try to get you, I’ll talk to you. Maybe talk you through them. If they get too bad, I’ll wake you up, and we can try again.”
“You would do that?” His jaw clenched, and then he shook his head. “It won’t work, and besides…” His voice grew hoarser. “I scream, Shiloh. I wake up screaming, and it’s bad. I’ll scare the shit out of you. And Bibi.”
Jesus. The thought horrified me. Not for me or Bibi but for him. What he suffered every night, never complaining.
I waited until my voice was steady. “We’re going to try it. Okay?”
He wanted to protest, but he was too tired, his eyes already closing. I put my arm across his chest and snuggled as tightly to him as I dared without hurting him. I felt him settle into the bed, into my embrace.
He inhaled a breath and sighed it out. “I love you.”
The words were spoken so softly, I thought I misheard. But my heart heard them plain as day—seized them and drew them in where they sank in deep. It felt fuller than it’d ever felt. As if my chest couldn’t contain it.
“You don’t have to say it back,” Ronan said, eyes still closed, voice drifting. “I don’t expect…anything. I just wanted you to know that.”
I swallowed hard. Disbelieving. Within moments, he was asleep, his breathing even. And I still couldn’t move.
He’s delirious and exhausted. He doesn’t know what he’s saying.
Except Ronan never said anything he didn’t mean. Never wasted a word. But before I could process it or what those words were doing to my insides, to my heart, the nightmares were already coming for him.
His shoulders twitched, and his brow furrowed. “No…” he breathed. “No, don’t.”
I held him tighter and put my mouth to his ear. I had no idea what to say but let the words come.
“Ronan, listen to me. I’m here. I’m right here. Listen to my voice. Come with me. Come away with me.”
His body relaxed, and his face smoothed of tension. I eased a breath, relief so great that he might have a peaceful sleep after so long without.
But it took all night.
Again and again, he jerked and writhed, calling out for someone to stop. For someone else to stay. Each time, I talked him down, soothed him, ran my fingers through is hair. Once, I had to wake him before the screams came. He jerked awake, his breath coming hard, not knowing where he was.
I reassured him, held him, and he slept again. And sometime late in the night, he went under deep, and the nightmares stayed away. I stayed awake, never ceasing my vigil until dawn’s light began to creep in my window. I knew then he was okay. He’d made it.
I curled into him and slept too.
***
My alarm went off for school. I silenced it and heard Bibi bustling around in the kitchen. Ronan hardly stirred. I slipped out of bed quietly so as not to wake him and went to find her.
“Bibi…”
She turned in her housedress, the pot of coffee burbling beside her, her face soft but drawn with concern. “Oh, honey.”
I rushed into her arms and let her hold me, the fear and horror of last night shuddering through me.
“I thought I heard something last night. Tell me.”
“Ronan,” I said, pulling away before I fell apart completely. “Someone hurt him. Badly. He’s in my room. I tried to help him, but his ribs are cracked, and he doesn’t want to go to the hospital. He’ll hate that I’m telling you. He doesn’t want anyone worrying about him.”
“That’s too bad for him. He’s part of this house now, whether he likes it or not.
” She patted my cheek, squinting at me. “You’re tired, honey.
Go back to him. I’ll let the school know you’re not coming.
Him too. When he’s ready, we’ll get some food in him and hear the story.
” She chuckled softly. “I dated a rabble-rouser once too. Always getting himself into all kinds of fixes.”
I hugged her again, feeling as if the reinforcements had arrived, and then climbed back into bed with Ronan.
An hour or so later, I woke to him stirring. He blinked open his eyes—his left eye already much less swollen—and glanced over at me. If he remembered what he’d said last night, he didn’t show it.
Because it wasn’t real. He was half asleep.
“Hey,” he said, his voice hoarse.
“Hey. How are you feeling?”
“Like shit.” He frowned. “But the nightmares… Did I…”
“No. You got some sleep. Which you desperately needed.”
His brows furrowed. “You stayed up all night?”
“I told you I would.”
“Christ, Shiloh, I don’t even know what to say but thank you, and… I’m sorry—”
I silenced him with a soft kiss. “If you say sorry one more time… How’re the ribs?”
He inhaled deep and winced. “Okay.”
“I told Bibi. She’s going to want to feed you until you’re better.”
He gingerly sat up to lean against the headboard. “She doesn’t need to deal with this. I shouldn’t have come here. I was so out of it, I thought…”
I sat up beside him. “What happened last night? Tell me the truth.”
He sighed. “Frankie Dowd and Mikey Grimaldi. Payback for the Jeep. Mitch Dowd was there.”
“Frankie’s dad? He’s a cop, isn’t he?” Then what Bibi had told me about him at the beginning of the year came rushing back to me. “He did this to you?”
“When I had Grimaldi and Frankie beat, the fucker tased me.” He jerked his chin at the bloody tears in his jeans.
“My God. That asshole.”
“I don’t remember much after that.” He frowned. “Something happened that stopped it, but I don’t know what. I remember thinking I had to get to you before they did. Like they were coming here next.”
My heart clenched, thinking of Ronan, bleeding and stumbling, having been tased for fuck’s sake, but thinking of me.
Because he loves me.
I took the thought and buried it deep.
Later.
“The next thing I remember was sitting on the steps of your house with you.”
I bit my lip, thinking. “The bruises you had the first time…back in the fall. Those were from Mitch too, weren’t they? It’s him you’re afraid of. Not Frankie or Mikey.”
He nodded. “Not afraid for me. For you. If he fucks with you to get to me…”
“He’s not going to. Bibi knows everyone in town. She’s friends with a cop. A good cop. There are more of those than there are of him.”
“Maybe,” Ronan said. “But my mom needed the cops too. She needed them a lot, but the system kept failing her. Dad would do a night in lockup, then come right back. Restraining orders meant shit. A judge didn’t put him away.
So when the sirens come…” He shook his head.
“It doesn’t remind me of help. It reminds me of the last time they came, too late.
They arrested him, locked him up in prison with a life sentence, but so fucking what? She was already gone.”
I rested my cheek against his bare shoulder and twined my fingers in his.
“Don’t let Bibi get dragged into this,” he said after a minute. “Last night was bad enough for you.”
“I told you, I’m in this all the way.” I cleared my throat. “And besides, if you’re really afraid Mitch might come here, Bibi is our best defense. Her police friends will take care of us. So please try not to worry, okay?”
He nodded reluctantly, and his eyes fell shut again.
“You want to sleep some more?”
“I could try. But…”
“Then I’ll sit with you.”
“Shiloh…”
“I told you, Ronan. I’m not going anywhere.”
***
Ronan napped. Only once did a nightmare try to sneak in, but I talked him through it. He twitched and cried out, but I whispered soothingly into his ear until he settled again. He woke at noon, his stomach growling.
“Bibi and I will get lunch, and then we can figure out what happens next.”
“What happens next?”
“Mitch goes to jail.”
He tried to protest, but I silenced him with a kiss, then kissed him again gently on the side of his nose and on his temple above his eye.
“Put a shirt on,” I said with a grin. “And that is likely the first and last time I will ever say that.”
Bibi and I fixed grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup. Ronan, moving slowly and stiffly, came into the dining room.
“Hey,” he said, self-conscious and unsure.
“Oh, my sweet boy.” Bibi’s hand went to her throat. Tears filled her eyes, and suddenly I was on the verge of a breakdown too, to see how much she cared for him. She recovered quickly and gestured to a place setting. “Sit. You must be starved.”
We all sat at the table, Ronan beside me and Bibi across from us.
When we’d eaten, she wiped her mouth and tossed the napkin on her plate. “Tell me, honey.”
Ronan told Bibi everything, including how Mitch had paid him a visit in the fall after his fight with Frankie at Chance Blaylock’s party.
Bibi pursed her lips, her eyes slightly unfocused but angry. “Shameful,” she snapped. “Using his authority like that. Ronan, you need to press charges.”
“He’ll just deny it. Frankie and Mikey will vouch for him. There’s no proof…” Ronan stiffened, his eyes widening.
“What is it?” I asked, alarmed.
“Maryann… Oh shit, I remember. She had her phone…” He tore from the table. “I have to go.”
Before I could stop him, he hurried back to my bedroom. I found him pulling on his boots, grimacing in pain.
“Ronan?”
“Fucking stupid. I’m so fucking stupid.”
“What are you talking about? Who’s Maryann?”
“My neighbor. She’s the one who stopped it. She recorded the whole thing on her phone. And Mitch knows it.”
“Okay, so?”
“I need to get back. Make sure she’s okay. Have Bibi call her friend. Tell him to help Maryann.”
“Ronan, you’re panicking. Just take a breath—”
He stopped, and the look on his face chilled my blood. “I couldn’t save her, Shiloh. Do you get it? I couldn’t save her. I was too late.”
I nodded, my heart breaking when I was sure it’d already been shattered to pieces.
“I get it,” I whispered. “I’ll drive you. Don’t argue. It’ll be faster, and you can hardly walk.”
He nodded with gratitude and gingerly pulled on his jacket.
“I’m taking him home,” I told Bibi when we came out. “I’ll be right back.”
She heard in my tone that this wasn’t over and nodded.
I drove Ronan to his apartment complex. All looked quiet. He leaned over to me and kissed me quickly.
“I’ll wait here,” I said. “Until I know everything’s fine.”
“No, Shiloh,” he said, his voice hard. “Go. I’ll call you.”
“Absolutely not. I’m not leaving you alone.”
“But I need you to.”
His tone was grave. Simple. I remembered the stricken look on his face in my bedroom. What Ronan had been through was almost too much for me to comprehend. All I could do was support him, however he needed me to.
I bit my lip. “I don’t like this. At all. But…call me later. Call me as soon as you know anything.”
“Thank you, Shiloh. For…everything. What you did for me…” He shook his head.
I wanted to do it every night. Stand guard over his dreams so nothing could hurt him.
He kissed me again, and I drove away, hating to see his image grow small in my mirror.
I got a text as I pulled back into my driveway.
All good. Maryann’s at work. Found her number in my uncle’s files. Going to rest and wait until she gets back.
There was a pause, and then the rolling dots that said he was typing returned. I stared at the phone, breath held.
I ran out quick. Tell Bibi thank you.
I exhaled.
What did you think he was going to say?
I didn’t answer that. I texted him that I would, then went inside. I slumped on the couch beside Bibi, drained and exhausted, and rested against her shoulder.
“How are you doing, honey?”
“Tired. Last night felt like a million years long.”
“Being scared for someone you love is draining, isn’t it?”
I stiffened. “I don’t… I mean…”
Bibi’s shoulder shook a little as she chuckled.
“What’s so funny?”
“Not funny so much as joyful, honey. I was remembering something you said in the fall about Miller and Violet. That it was so obvious they belonged together that not being together didn’t make sense. And I said I was going to remember that and hold it against you.”
I peered up at her as she peered down at me.
“So this is me, very gently holding that against you. I’m so happy for you.”
“Happy for me? Last night was awful.”
“Things got pretty scary, but you didn’t back down. I’m proud of you, Shiloh. Your heart is open for that boy, and it’s beautiful to see. Just beautiful.”
I started to protest, but sleep was coming for me. And she was right. I’d crossed over a line and could not go back. Could no longer imagine a life without Ronan Wentz in it.
That, I thought as I drifted to sleep, is my nightmare.