Chapter Eight
I was still full from lunch when I went to my last class of the day—gym. Not only did Bryan and I eat the sandwiches but also managed to finish off a slice of salted caramel cheesecake. And he did bring me back in time for my physics class, just like he’d promised.
The gymnasium was filled with noise and movement as the other students chatted, their soles squeaking against the floor.
The locker room doors were half-open as I laced up my sneakers on the bleachers, pretending not to notice when Paxon and Justin walked through the one that led to the boy’s locker room.
The two of them walked closely together, their voices low and easy. It had been like that lately with me around. Short conversations, practiced calm, like we were all trying to make things normal again even though we weren’t sure what normal was exactly.
The gym teacher hadn’t shown up yet, which meant everyone was scattered around. A few guys tossed a volleyball back and forth. Some of the girls sat in circles on the floor, chatting while they did easy stretches.
Justin gave me a smile when they joined me before the two of them sat down and fixed their own shoes.
“Hey, Stokes!”
A tall guy I remembered seeing on the soccer team came over. I think his name was Lucas. He jogged over, grinning like he’d just remembered something great. “Man, I didn’t get a chance to say congrats. That program sounds insane. Mr. Teller was bragging about you in class earlier.”
Paxon froze halfway through tying his shoe, his face going pale.
His reaction made me freeze, considering what was happening. Paxon’s gaze flickered to Lucas and then to Justin and even me.
“What program?” Justin asked, glancing up.
Lucas, oblivious to the clear warning Paxon was giving him, went on.
“The one in Oregon. A mentorship thing for psych majors? He said it’s hard to even get a recommendation for it, let alone be considered.
And Paxon is currently being considered.
I have a cousin who did the program a couple years ago and she lives by the entire experience.
Said it was game changing for her career path. ”
My breath caught before I could stop it. Oregon?
That was across the country.
Paxon straightened and red was creeping up his neck. “Yeah,” he said finally, his tone careful. “It’s...nothing is official yet.”
Lucas laughed. “Dude, don’t be like that.
Between Teller’s recommendation and connections, you’re already practically through the door.
You’d kill it there. He said they take, like, ten students a year?
That’s wild. I just wanted to let you know if you wanted to talk to someone who’s gone through it, I can connect you with my cousin.
I’m sure she wouldn’t mind talking you through it. ”
The way he said that last part didn’t sit right with me, and I tried to ignore the weird curling sensation in my stomach.
Justin frowned, glancing between the two of them. “Oregon?”
Lucas nodded. “Yeah, it’s a special program for seniors. Real big deal with insane connections. Paxon will get some good practical experience for his first year of college.” He turned back to Paxon still grinning, dark eyes shining. “Anyways, congrats, man. You deserve it.”
He clapped Paxon on the shoulder and jogged off, completely unaware of the small earthquake he’d just caused.
The gym suddenly felt too big, the sound of the bouncing volleyballs echoing sharp against the walls.
I stared at the back of Paxon’s head, but he suddenly started having trouble with his shoelaces and needed to aggressively redo them.
Justin broke the silence, still practically gaping at Paxon. “You’re thinking of going across the country?”
“It’s not—” Paxon stopped. “It’s not decided. It’s just a recommendation.”
Justin waved toward Lucas, who was now jumping on another guy and laughing about something as they goofed off. “That’s not nothing,” Justin said quietly.
Paxon didn’t respond. His jaw was tight, shoulders tense, like he could feel me watching him.
I swallowed hard and forced myself to look away, instead focusing on the gym teacher walking in at the far side of the gym. My stomach felt hollow, like I’d swallowed a handful of air and it refused to settle.
Oregon.
Far away from here. From us.
He’d always said he wanted to stay close. Not just because everyone else was, but also for his brother too and to support his dad.
Maybe he’d changed his mind.
Maybe I had changed his mind.
“All right, everyone, line up!” Coach Stolly’s voice echoed across the gym.
I stood, my body moving automatically while my head stayed somewhere else entirely. The air felt thick, my heartbeat thudding against my ribs.
When Paxon lined up a few people away, I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t.
This wasn’t even completely about him not telling me about it. I would expect that considering we were practically nothing to each other at the moment other than people forced to be in close proximity to each other. What was most damning about the news was that Justin hadn’t known either.
It was one thing to hide it from me. But it felt like something else entirely if he hadn’t told anyone else about it. Did his dad know? Did Calvin know?
Why was he trying to keep it a secret from everyone?
Thankfully, after gym class, school was over.
So while I couldn’t stop thinking about it and Oregon became the beat to a song I didn’t want to hear, I didn’t have to fight through school thinking about it.
As soon as class was over and I separated from Paxon and Justin, I changed quickly in the locker rooms and then beelined for my car.
I had to keep telling myself it wasn’t my place to ask. Paxon hadn’t said anything to me directly and if he wanted to keep it quiet, that was his choice. Still, I couldn’t help feeling like that ground had shifted under us.
As far as everyone knew, we were still going to be near each other.
Not necessarily in the same college, but at least in the same state, or only a few hours away.
..not on the other side of the country. And Paxon had been one of the biggest advocates for it, wanting to stay close, go to college in-state.
Now there was a version of the future where he was gone, and it was one I hadn’t prepared for.
Everyone had been so insistent about being nearby that it had made it so easy to believe that. That no one was going to be gone. I allowed myself to believe that. They made me believe them.
By the time I reached Seth’s house, my thoughts were tangled enough that I barely remembered the drive over. The sky matched my mood with the washed-out grey.
Seth was sitting on the porch steps, elbows on his knees, a bottle of soda dangling loosely from his fingers.
Bebe was stretched out beside him, a lazy guardian keeping watch over the street. When I stepped out of the car, Bebe’s head lifted immediately, tail thumping once against the wood.
“Hey,” Seth called, straightening a little. “A little earlier than I thought.”
I shrugged. “No reason to stick around school,” I said, closing my door a little too hard. “Just wanted to come back right away.”
“Long day?”
“Something like that.”
Seth studied me for a moment. Then he tapped the space next to him on the step. “Come sit for a bit. I was just enjoying the weather.”
I raised an eyebrow, wondering what was so good about the weather. It was as dreary as I felt, patches of snow now brown, mixing in with the mud. Brown grass underneath. Everything still cold and wet.
The wood creaked under my weight as I sat beside him, wrapping my arms around myself as a cool breeze swept by. It smelled faintly of rain.
We sat like that for a while, the quiet stretching between us. Across the street, someone’s wind chime clinked faintly in the wind.
“You’ve got that look again,” he said, taking a sip of his drink.
“What look?”
“The one that says you’re pretending not to think about something.”
I tried to smile, but it fell flat. “You should stop being so good at reading people.”
“I don’t read people. Just you.”
The gentleness in his voice tugged at something in my chest.
He didn’t push, not at first. But when I stayed quiet too long, he nudged me with his shoulder. “Want to tell me what’s stuck in your head?”
I hesitated. I couldn’t tell him about Paxon’s opportunity. That wasn’t my news to share. But the fear, the ache, the uncertainty, those were mine.
“It’s nothing,” I said at first, but the words came too fast. I sighed, my voice softer.
“Just thinking about college. And after. It feels like everything’s about to change, and I’m not ready for it.
I thought I knew the plan, I felt like I knew the plan, but now I’m not sure what the plan is.
” I glanced at Seth. “All of it. All the plans. I don’t know anymore. ”
Seth turned his head slightly, studying me. “You mean us.”
“All of it,” I said quietly. “Me. You. Bryan, Justin, Toby. And Paxon.” I swallowed hard, tripping over his name as I said it.
The wind picked up again, brushing against my face.
My cheeks felt so hot as I talked, my heart thudding hard in my chest. I stared at the dark streetlight across the road.
“Like...I know right now you’re all technically my boyfriends.
” The word felt strange on my tongue. “Well, most of you, I guess. Even I don’t know what the heck that means anymore.
Where I stand with Paxon. Where we all stand. ”
I let out a shaky laugh. “And now it just feels like Paxon’s too far out of reach for me, and maybe I should stop being a greedy bitch and just accept that he’s not interested.”
Seth was quiet for a long moment after my word vomit, his thumb tracing the edge of his soda bottle. When he finally spoke, his voice was calm and steady. “You’re not greedy for wanting him, Cadence.”
“It feels like I am.” I didn’t look at him. My eyes were fixed on the house across the street and the lights that leaked through the closed curtains. “Like I’m asking too much of everyone and there isn’t much of a return on the investment, so to speak.”
He made a sound that was half a sigh, half a low laugh. “First off, you’re thinking about this wrong,” he said. “Dating, love relationships...none of that should ever be about investments and returns. If it is, leave it.”
I turned toward him, the ache in my chest only growing heavier. “Then what is it about? Because lately, it just feels like one big math problem I can’t solve.”
After putting his drink on the step between his feet, Seth leaned back on his hands, eyes lifting toward the sky that had begun to turn dusky blue. “It’s about choosing each other,” he said simply. “Even when it’s messy. Even when it doesn’t make sense to anyone else.”
He glanced at me, a faint smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
“Dating multiple people isn’t about being indecisive or a cheater or anything like that.
It’s about honesty. About everyone knowing what they’re part of and still deciding that it’s worth it.
And that isn’t all on your shoulders to decide.
It’s on each individual person. I’m in. One hundred and ten percent in.
Paxon...well, he’s figuring his shit out.
If he thinks this is worth it for him. The others too.
I won’t speak for them, though I’m pretty sure I know their answers. ”
His words sank in slowly. I got it because I was in too.
The idea of not having them nearby, about not being there to help them when they needed it, scared me.
The idea of them disappearing out of my life was enough to make my anxiety spike.
I wanted to grab onto all of them and never let them go, even as the other students looked at us weirdly or spread weird rumors.
I didn’t care. I just knew I wanted to be with them.
I wanted to be there for the good, bad, and ugly.
I wanted to hold them when they felt like crying, and they were the first people I thought about when I wanted to cry myself.
I opened my mouth to respond but snapped my mouth shut, trying to find the right words.
Nothing felt right to say. Nothing captured the hard rock that twisted in my chest. I blew out a breath and rubbed my hands against my jeans.
“It’s hard to believe that when it feels like everyone’s pulling in different directions. ”
When Paxon was practically ready to run off to Oregon without telling anyone.
“Then we pull them back,” Seth said softly. “Talk to them. We can’t shut down on each other. That’s the only way this works.”
I nodded as my throat tightened. “And if it doesn’t work?”
He was quiet again for a moment, the wind brushing past us.
“Then we tried,” he said finally. “And we live without regrets about what happened. We tried it and that’s the best we can do.
It’s better than not even bothering and then wondering for the rest of our lives.
And I can promise you, if we don’t try this, I know I’ll become an old man on his deathbed and this will be my biggest regret. Letting this pass us without trying.”
I let out a laugh at the absurdity of that.
“Simple,” I mumbled.
“You know it isn’t. But definitely worth doing.”
The porch creaked as he stood, offering me his hand. “Come on. Dinner’s about ready and you’ll feel better after you eat. Food cures all.”
“I wish it did,” I replied. I took his hand, his grip strong and supportive.