Chapter 4
Knut had been looking forward to dinner with Bernd with a mixture of anticipation and terror.
What if he had misunderstood Bernd’s signals and the man wasn’t interested in him at all?
What if he was getting into hot water, or risking being denounced?
Or if the Gestapo were waiting there, ready to arrest him?
He was on the verge of cancelling the evening a thousand times, but each time the memory of Bernd’s genuinely pleased expression held him back. He simply had to risk it.
When the time came to leave, he put on his coat and peaked cap and marched toward the cozy, homely restaurant he had chosen.
He spotted Bernd from afar, coming from the other direction, looking unreasonably handsome in his Wehrmacht uniform and lieutenant’s epaulettes.
A shiver trickled down Knut’s back and again he was tempted to turn on his heel and disappear.
But it was too late, Bernd had already seen him and was waving.
Into battle, Knut summoned his courage. If Bernd wasn’t interested in him, they could at least build a friendly rapport, especially since they worked in neighboring departments and would inevitably run into each other in the Bendlerblock.
“Glad it worked out,” Knut said by way of greeting. In their job, something could always come up at the last second: an important order arriving just before the day’s end, or a supervisor wanting something done by the next morning.
“A lot would have to happen to stop me showing up for this,” Bernd grinned.
“A war, for example?”
“We’re already in one. But a surrender might do it.”
Knut gasped, taken aback. For this statement alone, Bernd could be charged with defeatism and subversion. But Bernd just raised his eyebrow and smiled wryly.
“I like your way of thinking. Let’s go inside.” Knut had reserved a table in the corner where they couldn’t be overheard.
They hadn’t seen each other properly in almost a year, and yet it felt like it had been only yesterday.
Once they had ordered, Knut dived into conversation. “So why were you transferred to Berlin?”
“It wasn’t a disciplinary transfer, in case that’s what’s worrying you.” Bernd’s brown eyes sparkled with amusement.
“That hadn’t even occurred to me. I was just surprised because you said that you were going to Africa.”
“I was there, but then my brother fell in Tripoli a few months ago.” Bernd’s expression became grim. “I got home leave and spent a week with my sister at our country house in Brandenburg.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that.” Death had become so commonplace, there wasn’t much more to say.
Furthermore, mourning the death of a loved one too strongly could get you charged with subversion.
For a soldier, in particular, the official requirement was that their families should be proud of the heroic death in action to protect the nation. Profound grief was undesirable.
Nevertheless, Knut wished he could hold Bernd’s hand to express his sympathy, but he didn’t dare reach out.
“I suspect my father pulled some strings at my mother’s request. I was told to present myself at Major General Oster’s office, and he assigned me to Hans von Dohnanyi’s department, but you already know that.”
“Does your family know that Dohnanyi…”
“No.” Bernd shook his head, his lips a tight line. “My parents are upstanding Germans and good Nazis. And my sister’s only concern is her children.”
“Just like my sister, Carsta. Since she was recently awarded the Golden Mother’s Cross for her eighth child, she’s talked about nothing else.” Knut tilted his head. “You’ve undoubtedly heard of my eldest brother, Sturmbannführer Joseph Hesse, Heydrich’s right-hand man.”
Bernd’s eyes widened. “He’s your brother?”
“Unfortunately, yes.” Knut was ashamed of Joseph, a fanatical Nazi, always at the forefront of any measures to enforce Hitler’s policies.
Bernd lowered his voice to a whisper. “You are not responsible for what your brother does.”
The compassion in Bernd’s eyes warmed Knut’s heart. After taking a few seconds to collect himself, he said, “Luckily, I’m not the only black sheep in the family. Officially, that’s my other sister, Edith, since she’s married to Julius Falkenstein.”
Bernd’s eyes widened again. Naturally, he was familiar with the name of the man who had once owned one of the largest banks in Germany. “The Julius Falkenstein of Falkenstein Bank?”
“That’s the one.”
“Please tell me they’ve both emigrated.” Bernd seemed genuinely concerned, even though he knew neither Edith nor Julius personally. That alone made Knut’s heart beat faster. He was fed up with cold-hearted people who regarded Jews as vermin, unworthy of populating the earth.
“They have. It took long enough, but they finally got the last of the necessary papers almost two weeks ago.” Now that he had said it out loud for the first time, the tension in Knut’s jaw loosened. He felt a weight lift from his shoulders, allowing him to breathe freely again.
He hadn’t realized until this moment that he hadn’t actually believed that Edith was safe. Secretly, he hoped for some kind of sign from her, even though he knew it was next to impossible.
“Only two weeks ago? They left it to the last minute.” Bernd’s voice was barely audible. “A new decree came into force on October the twenty-third, prohibiting Jews from leaving the country.”
This time it was Knut’s turn to stare in wide-eyed astonishment. “I had no idea.”
“It wasn’t made public, to avoid panic. But the Gestapo was instructed not to issue new passports or exit permits, and the border guards have orders not to let anyone leave.”
“Whew.” Knut leaned back in his chair as a cold shiver swept his body from head to toe. A huge sense of relief flooded over him at realizing that Edith and Julius had managed to escape at literally the last second.
Bernd kept quiet for a minute, gazing at Knut’s right hand, before he asked in a soft voice, “What about you? You aren’t married?”
“I’m not.” Wehrmacht officers were strongly encouraged to marry and have children, even to the point that single men were passed over for promotion. Knut too, had checked Bernd’s ring finger for a wedding band. “What about you?”
“Me neither, though not for lack of trying on my mother’s part.” Bernd cast him another lopsided grin, making Knut’s stomach flip.
“She must be a friend of my mother, who’s constantly inviting suitable women to family events and dropping not-so-subtle hints that she would like more grandchildren, as if close to a dozen weren’t enough.
” Knut ran a hand through his hair. That was another reason he’d begun making himself scarce in his parents’ home.
At over forty years old, he was running low in believable excuses as to why he hadn’t found a woman to marry yet.
“Have any of the ladies attracted your interest?” Bernd’s eyes bore deep into Knut’s soul, as if searching for hidden clues.
Could it be true? Could this wonderful man actually be interested in him? Knut’s imagination ran wild. It took him all his willpower to compose himself. He tilted his head just a tiny bit. “No woman has ever aroused my interest.”
The next instant, panic surged in his cells, constricting his throat. He’d been much too direct. If he’d misjudged the situation, he might soon find himself in a concentration camp, wearing a pink triangle.
A few seconds passed, during which Knut imagined Gestapo agents swarming the restaurant, dragging him off into an unmarked van. Then, Bernd’s hand edged closer across the table, though not quite near enough to be inappropriate.
“Nor mine.” Bernd’s soft, soulful gaze sent a delicious shudder running through Knut from head to toe.
They spent hours in spirited conversation, long after they had finished dinner.
Knut couldn’t remember when he’d last enjoyed himself so much.
As long as he was gazing into Bernd’s warm eyes, nothing else seemed to matter anymore: not the war ravaging the country, not his deep sorrow about Edith, not even his shame at Joseph’s deplorable actions.
Warmth seeped deep into his heart, giving him the most intense feeling of joy. They talked, discussed, bantered, even flirted, completely absorbed by one another, oblivious to everything around them, until the waitress approached their table.
“Gentlemen, I’m very sorry, but we’re about to close.”
Instantly, Bernd was all business again. “Of course, Fr?ulein, where are our manners? Would you please bring us the bill?”
Then they got up reluctantly to put on their coats.
On the street, Bernd asked, “Are you taking the S-Bahn?”
“No, I live just a few minutes’ walk away, in that direction.” Knut pointed toward the outlines of buildings, barely visible in the blackout.
“Too bad. I have to go the other way to Grunewald. I live in a self-contained apartment in my parents’ villa.”
“I’ll accompany you to the station.” Knut wasn’t ready to say goodbye quite yet.
“Are you afraid I’ll be mugged on the way?” The amusement in Bernd’s voice was clearly audible.
Still, Knut bit his lip, hoping he hadn’t upset him. “Of course not.”
But his concern was unfounded. “I would appreciate your company,” replied Bernd.
They had almost reached the stop when Knut stopped under the shelter of a tree and looked around, making sure no one was nearby. Only then did he dare to squeeze Bernd’s hand tightly. “It was a wonderful evening. Thank you.”
Instead of replying, Bernd pulled him into his arms and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.
An intoxicating feeling of utter happiness shot through Knut’s veins.
He felt as if he was floating on clouds, as he eagerly returned the kiss.
After what felt like an eternity, they separated.
At a loss for words, he watched Bernd walk toward the train station.
Elation brought a spring to his step as he walked home. Had he finally found his soulmate?