Chapter 26
26
“What did we just watch?” Mikki asked. The four of us were on the veranda, where someone had laid out a sweating pitcher and stack of glasses. She sat stiffly in her chair, sucking on her vape pen. “What the hell was that?”
In that moment, the answer came to me.
“Constellation therapy.” I leaned forward. “We saw a video in my art therapy class.”
“That’s a sanctioned type of therapy ?” Mikki asked.
“Yes. Well, usually you include more people and you assign them all roles from your life—family members, partners, or whatever. It’s a way to process things without the actual people present.” Karen’s session had been intense and even a little frightening to watch, but the fact that I could put a name to it felt calming.
“But what’s the point, if it’s not really them?” Mikki asked.
“From what I understand, it’s cathartic to speak your truth and be heard and validated by a group. Though some people believe you’re actually channeling the energy of your family members, even if they’re not there.” I thought of Jonah’s posture changing. “Of course, that’s a little woo-woo.”
“I think it’s amazing.” Dawne swirled her cucumber water. “There was a huge shift for Karen just now. I could feel it. It was magic.”
“Magic?” Mikki scoffed. “Sol’s just a great performer.”
Dawne slammed down her glass. “Can you please stop? I’m so sick of you shitting on everything. God.” She closed her eyes. “I can’t believe you’re my accountability partner.”
“I’m just stating my personal opinions.” Mikki raised her hands. “You don’t have to agree with them.”
“Whatever.” Dawne marched off towards the bathrooms.
“And all that talk about patterns,” Mikki went on, as if nothing had happened. “Is that a real thing?”
“Well, yeah.” I straightened. “It’s called repetition compulsion. People tend to get drawn into relationships that match their childhood dynamics until they resolve them. Although some people never do.”
“Hmm.” Mikki picked at her nails. She looked at Ramit, who was sitting silently a few chairs down. “What do you think about all this, Ramit?”
He jumped, then looked over at us. “Uh… I don’t know.”
“Are you ready to take the stage?” Mikki looked afraid. She knew that she—all of us—would soon be put in the same position as Karen. “Give everyone a great show?”
“Well…” He adjusted his Ray-Bans. “I don’t think it’s a show. Not exactly. Whatever happened with Karen… I think it helped her?”
Mikki pressed her mouth shut.
“Listen.” I touched her arm. “It’s just us. None of us know each other. And after this weekend is over… we’ll probably never see each other again.”
She smiled wanly. “Let’s hope not.”
I felt pleased to have calmed her, but was still surprised when, back in the yoga pavilion for session two, she raised her hand as the next volunteer.
I’d been wondering when I’d be able to check in with Jonah. He had to have been acting—but how had he guessed those things about Karen’s father?
“Great.” Moon got to her feet. “Mikki, come on up.”
I snapped back to attention as Mikki walked to the front.
Moon appeared to be in charge this time, and had shed her caftan to show a black crop top and yoga pants. The spiral symbol peeked out of her strap.
“We’re going to do something different,” Moon said. “I can tell that all this…” She waved her hand around. “It’s not really your scene.”
Mikki shrugged and adjusted her oversized button-down. “Not really.”
“But you do go to therapy, right?” Moon sat down on her cushion, motioning that Mikki should sit across from her. Sol jumped up and sat next to me, in her place.
“Yep.”
“What’s your therapist’s name?” Moon’s voice was soft today, nonthreatening.
“Zaila.”
“How do you feel about her?”
“She’s all right. My last therapist went on maternity leave and didn’t come back, so at least she hasn’t done that. Yet.”
“That’s frustrating.” Moon shifted, placing her feet on the floor, her arms crossed over her knees. She was mirroring Mikki’s posture.
“Yeah, well. That’s business, I guess.” Mikki stared back, challenging her.
“So did Zaila suggest this retreat?”
“Yes.”
“How so?”
“Well, I was talking about all my issues, as usual, and she brought it up.”
Moon nodded. “Does she suggest things often?”
“No.” Mikki smiled slightly. “She actually doesn’t say a lot, just lets me ramble. So I thought maybe I should listen to her.”
“You said the first night that you’re a love and sex addict. Tell me about that.”
Mikki blew out a long exhale. “Can I smoke?” She pulled out her vape pen.
“No.” Moon said it sharply. “No substances. Sorry.”
Mikki slipped it back in her pocket. “Well, it’s something I’ve dealt with for a long time.”
“ It means…”
“I guess the best way to say it is seducing people.”
“Who was the first?”
“It started in high school.” Mikki pulled her knees in closer. “Sophomore year, I made out with my friend’s boyfriend. I don’t know, it felt like this challenge. It was all I could think about. And the second we hooked up, it all went away. But I think it got worse in college. I went after one of my professors. She rejected me, which made me depressed. But then I switched to another professor—the father of a friend, actually. But when we started sleeping together, I got turned off.”
“So when it happens, the urge goes away.”
“Exactly. Before, it’s like needing to scratch an itch.”
“It’s compulsive.”
“Right.” Mikki bit her lower lip. “And I don’t even have to be attracted to them.”
“But they have power. And/or they’re out of bounds. Is that the pattern?”
“I guess so.”
“How does it feel?”
“When I’m pursuing someone?” Mikki considered. “It feels… not good, exactly. More like I feel alive.”
Moon nodded.
“It’s ridiculous.” Mikki threw up her hands. “I’m way too old to act like this. And I could really fuck up my life.”
“What do you do again?”
“I’m a stylist.”
“So this could affect your career, your reputation.”
“Exactly.”
“When’s the last time you felt this way?”
The silence expanded, ballooning in the space.
“The last time…” Mikki cleared her throat. “Was an issue. But I don’t want to talk about it.”
Moon scooted closer to her. “Good. This is what we need to talk about.”
“Not like this.” Mikki motioned to us. “Like I’m telling a story on the fucking Moth.”
“This is the most important part,” Moon insisted. “Being witnessed. Trust me, Mikki. This will change everything.”
“No.” Mikki shook her head. “I haven’t even told my therapist.”
“Fuck your therapist.”
Mikki looked up in surprise.
“I mean, she couldn’t even get to the heart of it, right?” Moon tilted her head. “And we got there in… what, five minutes?”
Mikki smiled faintly.
“It’s time for it to come out,” Moon went on. “It wants to come out.”
Mikki shook her head. “I can’t. It’s too…”
“Break through the shame.” Moon’s voice rose. “It’s just shame. We all have it! There’s a reason you did what you did.”
“I know, but…” Tears glistened in her eyes. “It was unforgiveable.”
I shifted, shrugging off my jean jacket, feeling suddenly hot. A therapist would never push a patient like this, much less someone they didn’t even know. Mikki seemed stable, but still. This was sensitive work. Forcing people to go places they weren’t comfortable with could have negative consequences, to say the least.
“So it was unforgiveable,” Moon prompted.
“Yeah. It was…” Mikki let out a deep, shuddering sigh. “Fine. It was my best friend’s husband. At their wedding.”
“What?” Dawne whispered.
Mikki looked over uncertainly, but Moon grabbed her hands. “Look at me.”
Mikki did, her eyes wide.
“You said it out loud,” Moon said. “The worst is over.”
“But it’s not.” Mikki lowered her head.
“What happened?” Moon asked.
“Don’t make me do this,” she whispered, wrenching away a hand to press it to her eyes.
“Come on, Mikki, you’re almost there.” Moon was so close their foreheads were almost touching. Due to the acoustics of the space, we could hear every quiet word.
“Tell me,” Moon cooed.
Mikki sniffed and straightened, wiping at her face. She stared at the floor. Moon handed her a fresh tissue from her pocket, but she just held it.
“She brought me back to their suite.” Mikki’s voice shifted into a monotone. “A part of her must’ve known.”
“Known what?”
“That we were attracted to each other.” Her voice was suddenly stronger. “She wanted me to have one last glass of champagne with them. We were so drunk, though… She passed out on the couch, like, immediately. And I crashed in the bed. He climbed in next to me. Told me I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. How he’d fantasized about me.” Her eyes squeezed shut. “It wasn’t just that he was off-limits. Maybe a part of me wanted to ruin this thing she had that I didn’t. I don’t know.” She shrugged. “It happened and I left. He must’ve told her something—maybe that I hit on him. She avoided me at breakfast, stopped answering my texts. And that was it. They’re still together, months later.”
A bird cawed suddenly, right outside the tent.
Moon got to her knees and pulled Mikki to her. “You’re going to be okay.”
Mikki murmured something back that I couldn’t hear.
“No, you will,” Moon responded. “There’s a reason this is happening. Why you’re doing these things. We’re going to help you get to the bottom of it. It won’t be solved this second, but it’s going to happen. Do you believe me?”
After a second, Mikki dipped her head in a nod.
Moon leaned back to look at Sol. He held up the prayer bells. Ding.
“Everyone, you can head to the veranda for lunch.” Moon looked up over Mikki’s head like a distracted parent. “Good sessions this morning. Nice work.”