Chapter 28
28
The statue burned in my mind all through lunch. Steven had prepared a New Mexican feast—crispy sopapillas, enchiladas in rich green chile sauce, gooey cheese quesadillas—but I could barely taste it. Mikki and Karen both seemed high on their sessions, laughing and joking around as if a great weight had been lifted. And maybe it had.
Sure, it was possible that someone here had randomly decided to sculpt Catherine O’Brien, but she hadn’t really been in things as an adult. Combined with Catherine and Moon’s matching tattoos and Jonah’s Facebook pictures, it seemed clear proof that she’d been here.
“You okay?” Jonah leaned in.
“Yeah.” I cleared my throat. “I have to tell you something. Later.”
He nodded. Across the table, Karen watched us.
“Something I want to talk about in my session,” I said in a louder tone.
“As your accountability partner, I’m happy to assist.”
That made me crack a smile.
“You have any tips about channeling the deceased?” I asked quietly, now that Karen had turned to Ramit.
His eyes crinkled as he took a long gulp of botanic-infused water. “Don’t knock it till you try it.”
“Seriously. What was that?”
“They clearly like theatrics.” He nodded at Moon and Sol. “So I put on a show.”
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“But how did you know that stuff? Like her dad marrying her mom because he got her pregnant?”
“I don’t know.” He frowned. “I was just making everything up. And Karen seemed to go along with it.”
“Hmm.” Maybe Karen had been swept up in the energy? And telling Jonah he was incorrect might’ve felt like ruining the moment?
After lunch, most people headed for the pool, but Jonah and I walked to my yurt. He sat on my bed as I filled him in on the locked door in the courtyard and the statue of Catherine upstairs.
“Let me see the pictures,” he said.
“I didn’t get any pictures. My phone was charging.”
“Oh.” His forehead creased.
“I can tell you where it is.” Did he not believe me? “You can go see for yourself.”
“So Steven can catch me?” He leaned forward, forearms on his knees. “Didn’t we agree to wait until tonight to look around?”
Irritation permeated my chest. “It wasn’t planned. I heard something, and I went up to see what it was.”
Jonah’s dark eyes bored into mine. “And Steven caught you snooping.”
“I mean, sorry.” Remorse and defensiveness rose in equal measure. “It was an accident. I’m not a professional like you.”
“I’m just saying, we need to be careful. This is our only chance to find out what’s going on.”
“Well, I found out that Steven and Moon used to live in India together.”
“ Really ,” he said.
“Yeah. I have no idea when.” I mused. “Do you think they could’ve been together? Like in a relationship?”
“It’s possible.”
“And—what. Now he acts like her butler? Her and her partner’s butler? That’s messed up.”
“I think that’s a cult thing.” He shrugged. “Maybe being around her is enough.”
“Romantic,” I said sarcastically.
“I know.” He leaned back on my bed and his hand connected with my diary. “What’s this?”
“My middle school journal.”
He held the sunglassed cat face up to cover his own, and I chuckled.
“Why’d you bring it?” he asked, handing it to me.
How to respond? “Well… I was just thinking about some things I went through at thirteen. I mean, I’m going to have to share something with Moon and Sol. We’re not all grade-A actors like you.”
“You think I’m going to act my way through my own session?” He watched as I slipped the diary into my backpack. “I wish I were that good.”
It felt like we’d already spent days in the yoga pavilion instead of hours. At Sol’s request for a volunteer to start the third session, Dawne sprang to her feet. She started crying immediately, announcing that she was afraid she’d never find love. Sol disagreed. Through his questioning, he invoked her ghost lover, whose energies were in line with Dawne’s mother: dismissive, cruel. She chose Karen as the stand-in and ended up weeping in her lap.
Moon’s constant drumming and Sol’s endless questions, along with the rising heat in the airless tent, started making me feel woozy. I was relieved when Dawne’s session ended ( ding ), ready for a break.
“Ramit?” Moon beckoned. “Your turn.”
No break, then. Ramit stood and exchanged places with Sol. His jaw was tense, his eyes wide. He looked terrified.
“So.” Moon smiled as Ramit sat next to her. “What brought you here?”
“I met Sol at an event and thought it’d be a good idea to come. I just…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “My business partner and I—we’re developers—we sold some games recently to Apple. So I’ve been trying to slow down and date and stuff. But it’s been harder than I thought.”
Moon nodded. “What’s been hard about it?”
“People are just so flaky.” His lip curled, a sudden twitch of annoyance. “And when they do show up, I don’t know… I feel like they just expect all this stuff. I dated this one girl for a few weeks and she wanted me to pay for everything. Which was fine; I can pay for dinners and whatever. But then she started hinting that she wanted this super-expensive purse. I guess she wanted me to buy it for her? It felt like she was using me.”
Moon glanced up, her eyes meeting Sol’s. She looked away immediately, but it felt like something, a message.
“So people—women—are using you,” she said.
“I don’t want to sound like a dick. But…” He looked down. “Most of these women wouldn’t even look at me if they didn’t know I had money.”
“Money,” Moon echoed. “From developing games? What games?”
“Well, the most well-known one is Killer Kangaroo .”
Moon nodded, seemingly unfamiliar with it. But my ex Ryan had played it nonstop for a few weeks over the summer. There was a bright, random spark of excitement to tell him— I met the developer! —that quickly died out.
“So let’s focus on your childhood for a minute,” Moon said. “Tell me about it.”
“Oh.” Ramit shrugged. “I don’t know, I was born in India, in Delhi, and we moved to the US when I was seven. I’m an only child. My parents have been trying to convince me to let them hire a matchmaker. Thirty-seven is pretty old not to be married.”
“In your culture,” Moon added.
“Yeah. But I don’t feel all that connected to my culture. It just sucks that I’m disappointing my parents.”
“Even though you’re doing well in your career?” Moon asked.
“Well… they thought developing games wasn’t as respectable as other jobs. But they’ve accepted it. Now they really just want me to get married. They want grandchildren.”
“So you talked a little about your childhood.” Moon leaned forward. “But I couldn’t get a sense of what it was like .”
Ramit shifted, seeming to settle in. “It was normal. My parents were pretty happy, and financially did okay.”
“How was school?”
“It was fine. I went to boarding school for a while when I was young.”
“What age?”
“Uh, I think I was four.”
“Four,” Moon echoed. “A sleepaway boarding school?”
“Yeah, but I’d come back on the weekends. It wasn’t that far.”
“Why were you sent away?” Moon’s brows knit.
“Well…” His voice faltered. “From what I’ve put together, my parents were going through a hard time in their marriage. They were fighting a lot. My mom was kind of depressed for a while. They didn’t want me to be around that.”
Moon was quiet.
“But it wasn’t a bad thing,” Ramit went on. “I mean, it wasn’t like I had a traumatic time at boarding school. It was fine.”
“What do you remember? Specifically?”
He squinted. “Well, not that much; I was so young.”
“Hmm.” Moon watched him.
“It’s not like…” He shook his head. “Look, I know you’re trying to tell me that my parents fucked me up by sending me away that young. But that’s not true. Really.”
“Ramit?” Moon’s voice was light, delicate. “When’s the last time you were in a relationship? A long-term, solid, committed relationship?”
“I guess… high school?”
“High school doesn’t count.”
He considered. “Well, I dated someone in college, but we were more on and off.”
“After that?”
“Well, that’s when my friend and I started our company. Things just got crazy. I didn’t have time for a relationship.”
“Ramit!” Moon thundered, causing us all to jump. “You are telling me that for the past fifteen years you have not had time for a relationship?”
“Well, no. Honestly.”
“And now that you do, you’re being hunted by horrible women who want Fendi purses?”
Ramit’s mouth hung open. “I mean—”
“Stop.” Moon jumped to her feet and stood over him. “Just take a breath. Think about the fact that you’ve completely avoided relationships for your entire adult life.”
Ramit stared up at her, silent. The tent was so quiet it felt like being underwater.
Moon crouched down and pointed to us. “Who’s your father? Who’s your mother?”
“Um…” Ramit gulped. He looked stunned. “I guess I’d pick… Sol? And Thea?”
Whoa. It was like watching an intense play and suddenly being invited onstage. Sol stood and held out a hand to me. I took it and followed him to the front. Karen, Mikki, Jonah, and Dawne watched us from the cushions.
“We know your parents were doing their best.” Moon gestured at us. “We know they loved you. But unfortunately, because of their suffering, you suffered too. Why don’t you remember anything from that time? Because you’ve locked it away. Can you imagine how scared you felt? How alone?”
“All right, that’s enough.” Ramit got to his feet, scowling. “I don’t appreciate you talking shit about my family.”
“SIT DOWN!” Sol’s voice boomed. He pointed at Ramit’s cushion. To my surprise, Ramit sat.
“Stop with this nonsense.” Sol stepped forward. “How dare you act so disrespectful?”
“But—” Ramit started.
“No! I won’t have this. Look what you’re doing to your mother.” Sol gestured at me. “Do you know how badly she’s feeling? And you act like this . So selfish. So dramatic.”
Ramit went rigid, his lips parted.
“Do you know how hard I have to work just to keep this woman alive?” Sol cried. “And all you can do is sit there and complain?”
A wave of sadness crashed over me. It felt physical, like water filling up my lungs. I put a hand over my ribs, gasping for breath.
“See?” Sol sounded triumphant. “Do you know how harmful you are, Ramit? Do you know how much you’re hurting her?”
“Stop.” Ramit held up a hand, which was shaking. Moon slipped her arm around his shoulders.
Sol laughed. “You’re telling me to stop?”
Moon whispered in Ramit’s ear, and he shot up to stand.
“You can’t blame me for this,” he cried. “It’s not fair.”
“But it’s your fault!” Sol poked his finger against Ramit’s chest.
“It’s not my fault! It’s your fault!” Spittle flew from Ramit’s lips. “You’re the one who kept pushing her! You’re the one who caused her to… to…”
Moon wrapped her arms around him. “It’s okay. Just say it.”
The visceral sorrow swelled, and tears filled my eyes. Ramit was crying softly.
Moon looked at me. “Mom. Come here.”
I took a few hesitant steps towards them.
“You need to talk to your son,” Moon said.
I knew exactly what she wanted me to say. “It’s not your fault.” I took a deep breath. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You were just a little kid.”
Moon nodded, her eyes glittering.
“But he made everything so hard.” Sol’s voice was ragged. “This little monster, just wanting all the time. Wanting all her energy, her attention. He just wouldn’t stop.”
“He’s a child,” Moon yelled. “That’s how it works.” She looked at Ramit, whose quiet sobs had faded into shuddering breaths. “And Ramit had absolutely nothing to do with her suicide attempt. That’s not something a child should be blamed for. Ever. ”
Suicide attempt? Mikki’s mouth fell open. Dawne’s and Karen’s eyes were wide.
“Ramit.” Sol raised his hands in supplication. “I’m sorry. I was in a bad place. Trying to keep everything together. But I never should’ve put that on you.” He pulled Ramit into a bear hug.
Moon gave me a slight nod.
“I’m sorry too.” The words came easily, like I was reading lines. “I wasn’t able to get the help I needed, and it affected you, and I wish it hadn’t.”
Moon guided me towards them, and Sol brought me into the hug. The three of us breathed one another’s breaths, our heads close together.
Ding. Slowly, we pulled back.
“Good work.” Moon stood with her hands on her hips, nodding approvingly, like she was overseeing a home improvement project. “Let’s break. We’ll regroup for dinner. Ramit and Thea, please stay here.”