Chapter 38
38
I stood stock-still as she pulled away. This new, healthy-looking Catherine took me in, and it struck me, lightning-quick, that I’d taken her place: disheveled, dirty, confused.
“Are you okay?” I asked. Her brief, horrified expression had imprinted on my brain. It seemed so at odds with how she looked now: content, relaxed. Had I mistaken what I’d seen?
“Of course.” She grinned. “How are you? This is so random. I’m so happy you’re here!”
I glanced behind me. Near the doorway, Moon was beaming, beatific. Jonah and Mikki both watched us, uncertain.
“We’ll give you two a little time to catch up.” Moon shooed them out as Mikki gave me a last questioning glance and shut the door behind them.
So Catherine had been here the whole time. It felt odd to be standing in front of her, like seeing a cartoon character in real life. As soon as the door closed, Catherine’s smile fell. She stared at me, and I noticed the dark circles under her eyes.
“Want to sit and chat?” Her words were light, at odds with the heaviness with which she slumped at the table. I sat across from her, and her smile reappeared. This time it looked slightly wooden. Goose bumps stippled my arms. Something wasn’t right here.
“Catherine, seriously. Are you okay?” I sat across from her, feeling disoriented, fuzzy. That constant question banging in my head— What happened to Catherine? —had dissolved in the blink of an eye. But other questions, many more, were rising to take its place.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m great.” She squinted. “Oh, you want something to drink? Water? Tea? Actually, the teakettle just broke, so—”
“Wait, stop. What the fuck is going on?” I asked.
She blinked. “What?”
I scoffed, raising my hands. “Are you really surprised to see me?”
“Yeah?” She smiled uncertainly.
“You left me a secret note pointing me here. After you were basically kidnapped from the hospital.”
Her forehead creased. “I wasn’t kidnapped.”
“Yeah, but they used fake IDs to get in. Who were those people?”
“Thea…” She stretched out her hand. “I wasn’t kidnapped. Really. But I’m glad you’re here. It means a lot that you were worried about me.”
“I was.” Saying the words, I felt suddenly embarrassed. Had I been paranoid, reading into clues that didn’t even exist? “In the note you said you’d made a mistake and had to deal with the consequences.”
“Which was true. I ran away from the Center, and I shouldn’t have.” She shrugged. “I had to come back.”
“But why write me in the first place?”
“Because I wanted to thank you.” She scratched her nose. “Really. I didn’t have ulterior motives.”
“Why did you hide it like that, in the crayon box?”
“Because I didn’t trust anyone there,” she said. “And you told me you did that art class, so I figured you’d see it.”
“But why did you thank me for using my headphones? They were Amani’s.”
“Oh.” She drummed her fingers on the table. “I guess I forgot whose they were.”
So it hadn’t been a subtle clue. She’d truly just forgotten. Something I’d suspected briefly and moved on from, too excited by the other possibility. She’d been overwhelmed, on meds… of course she hadn’t remembered (or cared) whose headphones she’d borrowed.
I sat back, deflated. “Okay. So who were the impersonators? How did you contact them?”
“I didn’t. They just showed up. People who used to live here who are now in New York.”
“With fake IDs?”
She shrugged. “They knew it was the only way they could get in.”
“Why didn’t they just ask you to see them?”
“I didn’t leave on great terms.” She grimaced. “I think they knew I’d be too embarrassed.”
I paused. “So why’d you tell your parents you’d leave with them?”
“I was planning to. But when CRH people showed up, it seemed like it was meant to be.” Her leaf-green eyes were wide, guileless.
“Why not tell your parents? They were really freaked out.”
“My dad is super controlling.” She shook her head. “If I’d told him where I was going, he would’ve come here and taken me back by force.”
“You’re an adult. No one can force you—”
“You don’t know my dad.” Her face went vacant and she stared past my shoulder.
I decided to drop it.
“What about that guy Clint?” I asked. “The one who said he was your therapist? He lived here, too, right?”
“He’s a former member.” Catherine nodded. “He also lives in New York now. He must’ve come when he heard I was in the hospital.”
“He seemed—concerned.”
“He cares about me. He wanted to make sure I was okay.”
“Did you get in touch with him?”
“No. He would’ve tried to convince me not to come back.”
“Why?”
She shrugged. “Things don’t always end well with people here. It happens.”
“But when I tried calling, his number was out of service.”
“I don’t know, Thea. I’m sorry.” She looked down.
I felt a whisper of disquiet. She had an answer for almost everything, and yet I was sure she was lying. She didn’t even seem all that surprised to see me.
“Why have you been hiding this whole time?” I asked.
Her eyes retrained on me. “I wasn’t hiding. I was meditating.”
“Why?”
“Because I’ve been trying to get better.” She smiled wanly.
“Here?” I gestured. “Catherine, you just had a psychotic break. Moon and Sol aren’t licensed. I doubt they have any type of training whatsoever. This is not the best place for you.”
Her eyes grew red and glassy. “It is, though. This is where I’m supposed to be.”
“A place where there’s a weird, bloody altar to you in a cave?” I leaned forward. “Is that part of the healing process too?”
“You don’t understand.” She lifted the bottom of her T-shirt to her eyes. “There’s a process in place. You don’t get it because you’re not part of this community.”
She smiled widely, still mechanically wiping at her tears. The discordance was jarring.
“Do you know what happened before you had the break?” I asked softly.
“Oh, you know.” She attempted a laugh. “The work here is intense.” She let her shirt fall. She was back in control. “You’ve been here—what, two days? Imagine being here for years. You go so much deeper. And it’s incredible, it really is. But sometimes it’s too much. I wasn’t strong enough, and it cracked me open. But it’s okay.” She folded her hands. “I’m better now. And I’m feeling stronger every day.”
“How did you end up on the expressway in New York?” I kept my voice neutral.
“Oh.” She stared down at the table. “I… I don’t know. Someone must’ve taken me to New York. It’s all… fuzzy. I don’t know what happened.”
For some reason, I believed her.
“Thea.” She smiled, her eyes dry, as if she hadn’t just been crying a minute ago. “I know you want to help. But I’m fine, really.”
Oh really? She’d just had a psychotic break, memory loss, and catatonia—and she was claiming to be fine?
“Oh, look.” Catherine pointed to my arm; blood was leaking from my elbow. I must’ve cut it on one of my falls in the cave. She jumped up and pulled a first aid kit from a cabinet. I watched as she ripped open an alcohol wipe.
“Here.” She went towards my elbow.
“I can do it.” I snatched the wipe from her and swabbed my elbow, wincing at the sting. Then I wiped my left knee, which was also bleeding.
“I’m sorry you came all the way here.” She bit her lip. “Are you going to stay?”
“Stay?” I leaned forward to grab a bandage from the kit.
“Oh. I just meant—you’re not staying, of course. When are you leaving?”
“Tomorrow. Well, today, technically.” I had no idea what time it was—two in the morning? Later?
“Have you had your one-on-one yet?” Catherine was gripping the edge of the table.
“Not yet.” I pressed the Band-Aid down.
“Thea.” Catherine said it in a whisper. When I looked up, her eyes were again wide and frightened. I had the distinct feeling of vertigo. Her terrified look before—I had seen it. I hadn’t made it up.
“What?” My stomach flipped.
She leaned in so that her solar plexus pressed into the table. “You should leave.”
She said it so quietly I wasn’t sure if I’d heard her correctly. But before I could respond, the door swung open.
“Hi, beauties!” Moon strode in. “I don’t want to interrupt, but I was thinking we should all get to bed if we’re going to be able to function tomorrow.”
When I glanced back at Catherine, she was grinning widely, as if Moon had just told a hilarious joke.
“Totally,” she agreed in a normal voice. “Sorry to keep you up, Thea.”
“No problem.” Slowly, I got to my feet. Now that the adrenaline was wearing off, my cuts and scrapes radiated with pain. But I wasn’t tired at all. In fact, I was at my most alert.
Catherine might be alive. But she wasn’t okay. She needed actual mental health treatment. But clearly she hadn’t been given that option.
If this was a cult, Catherine wouldn’t have much of a say about anything.
“Will I see you tomorrow?” I asked at the doorway.
Catherine’s eyes went to Moon like a small child looking to her mother for permission. Can I? My scalp tightened.
“Of course, if you’d like.” Moon winked at Catherine. “You could probably use a break from your meditation practice anyway.”
I followed Moon down the winding hallways, up and down the sets of stairs. Questions I could ask rose and fell in my mind, and unease ballooned in my chest. I didn’t want Moon to think I was suspicious of her, of the Center. But there was still so much that didn’t make sense.
The shrine, Karen’s pretending to be a new attendee… There was something off here. Catherine’s fear and tears had proved it. She not only felt unable to leave—she’d had to look to Moon to know if she was even allowed to see me again.
You should leave.
By the time we reached the courtyard, I’d come to the firm conclusion: Catherine was mentally unwell, and the solitary confinement wasn’t helping.
I had to get her out of here.
“Thanks for walking me.” I smiled sweetly as we paused by the fountain.
“Sure.” Moon pulled me into a tight hug. She leaned back, her arms still around me. “And don’t worry, we forgive you three for snooping. I totally understand why. Your love and care for Catherine is so admirable. She was a patient for what—just a few weeks? The fact that you showed up here looking for her—it’s incredible. It shows how much you connected.”
“Thanks.” I grinned down at her, pretending to be comfortable at this close range. Everyone was acting here; I could too.
Finally, she let me go. “We’ll have a big discussion tomorrow. I’m sure you still have a lot of questions. And there are some things I’d like to share with you too. Including why you’re having the dreams you’re having.”
The words jolted me. “What?”
“About the desert. And the cave too?” She patted my arm. “Try to get some rest. We’ll talk more in the morning.”