Chapter 38
SECRETS AND LIES
LEILANI
HANDS CIRCLE MY chest, crushing my ribs as they yank upwards. My head breaks through the surface of the water.
‘I’ve got you. I’ve got you.’
I’d recognise that gruff rasp anywhere.
I vomit. Spluttering water and bile till my lungs and throat are raw. I’m not cold, but my body shakes, regardless. Arms cradle me – Blayze’s arms. And I’m too tired to care, too shocked to try and struggle out of them. For a third time, I let him hold me.
‘What were you thinking?’ Blayze’s eyes flash as he peers down at me.
Water drips from his hair, down his face, landing on mine.
He’s bent close to me, but I can only just hear him over the thundering of the waterfall.
‘What if I hadn’t heard you? What if I’d still been under the influence of the damned waters, like the others? ’ His face crumples.
‘I…’ I place a hand to my throat. It hurts to talk.
‘It doesn’t matter. You’re safe now.’ Blayze gathers me closer.
His shirt is plastered to his skin; I can feel the heave of his chest and the skit of his heart against my cheek.
A cheek that warms as I realise my own waterlogged clothes are clinging to me, revealing every line of my body, too.
I duck my head, but calloused fingers tip my chin, forcing me to look up.
Blayze searches my face. ‘Tell me the truth, this time. Did you mean what you said? Was it really a mistake?’
I open my mouth to protest, to rebut him with Maris – with Astrophel. I try to scrabble out of his arms, but he holds me tight.
‘Well? Was it?’ His fingertips trace my jaw, his touch feather-light but scorching, a trail of gooseflesh blooming in its wake.
I can’t fight against this anymore either. Whatever I feel for him, it’s more than just the bond of brandmagic. He knows it, I know it, and I can’t lie to him, or myself, anymore.
‘No,’ I whisper, voice hoarse as I tear my chin from his grasp. ‘I wanted to kiss you, all right?’ I glare up at him, tears pricking hot behind my eyes, but all the fight has drained out of me. ‘Why are you doing this? I disgust you, remember… Is this your idea of a sick joke? Another power-play?’
‘Disgust me?’
‘Back in the cabin you said—’
Blayze closes his eyes and groans. ‘Don’t remind me.’ He reaches for my face again. Every nerve in my body narrows, thrills to his touch. ‘Nothing about you disgusts me, Leilani. Maybe it should, but it doesn’t. Flame save me, but it doesn’t.’
It’s the first time he’s called me by my name.
His voice is husky, there’s a note of teasing round its edges, but as Blayze dips his head and seeks my lips, there’s nothing playful about his kiss.
His fingers wind in my hair, he draws me closer, deeper, his tongue swirling my mouth.
It’s less frenzied than the fevered kiss in the ice-cabin, slower, more thorough.
I slip my arms around his neck, the metal of his torc cool beneath my fingertips.
My thoughts become slow and liquid as I kiss him back, giving myself to this kiss as I succumbed to the oblivion of Nimbi’s waters – falling into it with total abandon.
When at last he draws back, his breathing’s rough. A sheepish smile crooks his lips.
I’m dazed, drunk on the scent of him, the feel of him, and my lips curve into an answering smile.
But then I remember. Remember Maris and Astrophel lying in the meadow beside us, who Blayze is, what my parents would say, and I push away.
Not breaking free of the circle of his arms completely, but putting inches between us.
I search over my shoulder, but the others are still prone. Lost to the oblivion of the falls.
‘We can’t do this,’ I stutter. ‘Our families—’
Blayze laughs, gathering me closer again. ‘Someone’s getting a little ahead of themselves. It was a kiss – a good one, I’ll grant you – but not a marriage proposal.’
Heat flushes my cheeks. ‘But I thought… What do you want?’
‘Isn’t that obvious?’ He laughs. ‘I thought dreamroot was bad, but it’s got nothing on you, Sparkles. Like one of your moon-moths to a flame – I can’t stay away.’
‘And what about Maris?’ I can’t betray her again.
Blayze sighs. ‘I’ll tell her. I’ve been keeping my distance since that night you kissed me. But she’s surprisingly persistent.’
I twist away from him. ‘Don’t joke. She cares for you, and we can’t risk upsetting her, especially now we’re so close to finding the sceptre. Without her, we can’t re-enact the Blood Bond.’
I don’t want to hurt Astrophel either, but the cold truth of it is, we don’t need him to fulfil the prophecy. Not in the same way.
Blayze shrugs. ‘She might still agree to help us. The Isles are depending on her, and we agreed this wasn’t anything serious. I’m not breaking any promises.’
‘If you believe that, you’re a fool.’
‘Fine, I won’t tell her till after we’ve retrieved it, then. It won’t be long now.’
I swallow. The thought of lying to Maris, to Astrophel, it turns my stomach, but my mother’s tortured eyes swim in front of me. I can’t risk her only chance of a cure.
‘And this…’ I gesture between us. ‘It can’t happen again. Not till we’ve found the sceptre. Not till you’ve told her.’
‘But—’
‘No, Blayze, I mean it. Whatever’s between us will have to wait till this is over.’
The stubble on his cheek grazes my ear. ‘Whatever you want.’
The caress of his warm breath sends shivers up my spine. He draws back and the sight of his molten eyes flaring with need is almost enough to make me reconsider, to make me reach up and taste his lips one more time.
‘And once it’s behind us,’ Blayze says, stopping me just in time, before I do something I’ll regret, ‘maybe your tutor or one of those scholars at the Asteum can help us decipher the Book of Mysteries. We’ll find a way to rid ourselves of magic, to free ourselves from this curse – together.’
I hesitate. It’s what I wanted once, but now…
now I don’t know what I want, not when it comes to my magic.
But after we retrieve Noelani’s sceptre, after we use it to revoke the Sickening, after I use the Sister-Stones to save my mother, I won’t have further need of my powers.
Maybe then it would be simpler to rid myself of magic, to remove any risk of Shadow corrupting me further.
I could live a normal life – see where things lead with Blayze.
‘But no more lies,’ he says roughly. ‘We’ll never stand a chance. Not if there are secrets between us. I’ve lived a lie long enough to know they destroy people.’
‘No more secrets. No more lies.’ My stomach drops, heavy as a stone.
Blayze releases his grip on my waist and snatches up my hand. ‘Swear it.’
I open my mouth to make the oath, but something holds me back.
Several things, in fact. I’ll have to tell him.
About the Sister-Stones – about Arden, too.
Even if it means he hates me, even if it means he wants nothing more to do with me.
I can’t swear another false oath. Blayze is right. Secrets and lies will only fester.
I take a deep breath, and tell him. I tell him everything.
Blayze stares at me. His face a shade paler, his mouth a taut line.
He doesn’t say anything, and the longer he remains silent, the more my stomach hollows.
He’s going to push me away. I’ve lied, betrayed him – betrayed them all.
And while a lie might fester, sometimes nothing cuts deep as the truth.
‘Say something,’ I whisper.
‘You have to tell the others. You owe them that much.’
I nod. ‘When’s the time’s right, of course I will. But can you forgive me?’
He sighs. ‘If I’d been given a chance to save my mother, I’d have taken it.
But that doesn’t mean I agree with what you did.
You manipulated us. And as for Arden…’ He shakes his head.
‘There have been no sightings of her since the night she disappeared. Everyone agrees she must have died.’ His throat works.
‘My forefathers sacrificed many clansmen quashing rebellions by factions who remained loyal to her memory. Even now, there are those who would use Arden as a figurehead to unite the clansmen who call for war – for the invasion of the enemy realms. I can only hope my brother’s keeping the traitors at bay, not fanning the flames of sedition.
’ Blayze is quiet, shuts his eyes for a moment.
‘And now you’re telling me that she – and the threat she represents – remains at large? ’
I nod, wishing I still had the button to prove it.
‘Well, I said I wanted the truth.’ Blayze grimaces. ‘And that’s everything?’
I dip my head. ‘I swear it.’
‘A fresh start, then? A clean page.’ And he kisses me to seal that promise. Just barely brushes his lips to mine.
In the near distance, someone clears their throat.
Stars and Spheres! I whip my head around, praying that someone isn’t Maris – isn’t Astrophel.
By the Sister’s grace, it’s neither of them.
‘A word, please,’ Orthriel says, turning on their heel, motioning me to follow them.
*
MY GUARDIAN LEADS me through the blossom-fields and down a narrow gorge.
One of the island’s swirling cloud-towers coils at the far end of it.
I assume we’re making our way towards it, though Orthriel hasn’t told me where we’re going.
In fact, they’ve said nothing at all since discovering me in the Clanschief’s arms. Silence stretches between us, heavy with things unspoken, but the rigid set of Orthriel’s shoulders on the path ahead of me speaks volumes.
Searching behind me, I can’t see the Fade Falls anymore, can scarcely even hear them, though smaller cascades trickle down the steep sides of the valley.
The further inland we move, the tighter my stomach knots.
I miss the reassurance of Blayze’s arms, the surety I felt pressed close to his chest, the way my body hummed and thrilled at his touch.