Chapter 42
CONFESSIONS
LEILANI
THE MOUNTAIN’S WON.
I collapse onto the steps, my body slamming into the ice. The cold is no longer painful, and infinitely more dangerous as a result. My eyelids droop, my head swims. A strange hum fills the air. Mountain-sickness. I’ve read enough to recognise the signs.
The tincture has stopped working. The urge to give in, to fall asleep where I lie, is an irresistible pull, strong as the force holding Arcelia’s moons in orbit.
Rest is what my body craves – an escape from the guilt chewing me from the inside out, to forget the advantage I’ve handed to Arden on a platter, how reckless I’ve been, how foolish.
Bad enough she’s out there somewhere, waiting to strike, but now I’ve armed her with the means to spy on us, to learn our plans from afar, to scry our futures.
If only I hadn’t used the mooncrystal last night. If only I hadn’t tried to use it a second time to check on my mother. If only I hadn’t run back to check on Blayze.
If only. If only. If only. A constant, maddening refrain.
Surrendering to sleep would be as easy as drinking from the falls on Nimbi, and I want nothing more than to sink into oblivion’s sweet embrace again.
No more pain. No more worry. No more regret.
I close my eyes and drift away.
*
brOAD HANDS SETTLE on my shoulders, drag me to a sitting position. Blayze shakes me roughly, tilts my chin.
‘Look up!’
I battle against my heavy eyelids, force them open.
The mountain’s halo envelops us, like we’re sitting inside a rainbow, surrounded on all sides by shimmering pastels. This close, it seems a living thing, pulsating as it subtly changes shape and colour around us.
My eyelids blink closed again.
‘Look there,’ Blayze says, voice rougher this time, his grip on my chin tightening. He’s back in Clanschief mode: forceful, commanding. Marshalling me as he once marshalled the clans.
An archway of carved ice soars in the distance – the entrance to the Starfields finally in sight.
‘See how close we are? You can’t give up now!’
His words drag me from the brink. I lean into his gloved fingers, drawing comfort from their familiar warmth.
No more pain, no more worry, no more regret… but no more of anything else either, not if I let the mountain defeat me. Only death from exposure, and whatever awaits us beyond the Veil.
Heaving myself to my knees, I look at the faces surrounding me.
Each of them looks as dejected and broken as I am.
Maris and Delphine, ashen and breathless.
Tansy staggers, clutching her head. She’s been complaining of dizziness for hours.
Blayze is beside me, his face a taut mask of pain, and Astrophel is panting heavily, his hair dishevelled and slick with sweat.
I think back to his meticulous appearance at court.
This journey has changed him, as it has all of us. And not just outwardly.
Only a few moonscycles ago, we were strangers – enemies. Thrust together out of necessity, tempered by the crucible of shared experience, this journey has transformed us into allies – into more than allies.
I trust them. I only wish they could trust me in return.
Again, that dull gnaw of guilt. Confessions bubble at my lips. I reach for the starstone, press it against my heart, as if to thaw that icy callous, that part of me that doesn’t want to risk the others finding out about Arden, about all my lies, in case they refuse to go on any further.
But the callous holds firm, and I swallow my secrets, along with my fears, carrying them like millstones in the pit of my stomach.
There may come a time, after all this is over, when I’ll have to answer for what I’ve done – the choices I’ve made.
But to win that chance of a future, we first have to climb these steps.
I brace my jaw, haul myself to my feet.
Blayze is right. We’ve come too far, sacrificed too much, to give up now.
*
DESPITE THE COLD, something like warmth radiates my chest as I mount that final step.
Gasping, I fall to my knees and grin. It’s an expression of relief rather than joy.
My body is too strained, the challenges ahead too dreadful, to admit real happiness to this moment, but I allow myself to bask for a few seconds in the sense of accomplishment, another seemingly impossible milestone reached.
The muscles in my legs screech in protest when I eventually force myself to my feet, but the starsong resonates louder as I trudge towards the entrance to the Starfields, as if calling me home.
I lead us under an archway of ice, pausing to trace the glassy surface and marvel at the carvings of constellations that embroider it.
As my eyes adjust to the dazzle, a sea of what look like twinkling candles dotting the ground come into focus.
‘Beautiful,’ I breathe.
Tansy edges forwards. ‘What are they? Glowflies?’
I shake my head. ‘Fragments of the Wishing Star. Starstones, like this one.’ I draw the Celestial Chain into the open.
It flares with the same soft opaline light as the others.
But on closer inspection, some of the fragments at our feet glow more brightly than others.
Many are extinguished – blackened and splintered.
My eyes burn, but my sorrow quickly turns to rage. There’s no more poignant illustration of the Sickening than this: Arden’s curse draining Estelia’s lifeblood, tipping the Aethers out of balance.
Blayze frowns, ruffling Serafine’s crest as she alights on his shoulder, his other hand keeping a tight grip on his walking staff. ‘What’s that?’
I follow his gaze through the Starfields to a huge crater: a gouged eye-socket in the mountainside. The tunnel leading to the Crystal Caves lies within.
Peering out from under my hood, I cast a lingering look around the perimeter of the Starfields. Still no sign of Arden. But she’s near; I feel it in my bones.
The other members of the Quaternity gather around me in a loose crescent formation. I study each of their tired faces in turn. The moment has finally come. Confession can’t wait anymore.
‘That’s where the Wishing Star fell to ground – where we’ll enter the caves.’ I clear my throat. ‘But first, there’s something I need to tell you.’
Eyebrows lift, jaws tighten. Blayze nods encouragingly. Astrophel’s expression relaxes too. Both think they know what’s coming. Both are wrong.
This is going to hurt them. The fact I’ve lied.
My heart pounds but I lean into bravery, plucking at my hood, shedding my gloves, revealing my hair, my brand, to the elements.
The others flinch. Blayze looks… not repulsed, I now understand, just pained, ill at ease.
Seeing my mark reminds him of his own difference.
But, for once, I don’t care about their reaction.
There’s something liberating – empowering – about deliberately exposing something I’ve sought my whole life to conceal.
This is a moment for honesty, for stripping away pretence. I’ll face it as my true self.
Perfectly imperfect.
I need my magic to fulfil Noelani’s prophecy. If this is to work, it’s time to accept who I am. Stardust flows through my veins, and I can’t – won’t – be afraid or ashamed any longer.
The people surrounding me, this strange family we’ve forged, they deserve the truth – the whole truth. Finally, it’s time to lay myself bare and give it to them.
They let me speak. They don’t interrupt.
I tell them about the Sister-Stones, about the mooncrystal and its loss, the dreams and visions of Arden.
I tell them about Noelani’s second letter, about facing the night-birds and needing to find all four sceptres to revoke the Sickening.
They don’t interrupt, but they all shrivel, folding in on themselves as the words spill from my mouth like droplets of poison.
What little colour was left in their faces drains. Their eyes dull with dread.
‘I’ve wanted to tell you about all of it, for so long,’ I croak. ‘And now you know, you have a decision to make about whether you still want to follow me into the caves.’
The words are true on the surface: there is still a choice. But they’re also hollow. It isn’t a real choice at all. I took that away by withholding all of this till now. We’ve come too far to turn back, and they all know it.
Maris speaks first. ‘I’d have understood,’ she murmurs, shaking her head. ‘After everything we’ve been through, you could have told me about your mother.’
‘I was afraid if I told you, you’d refuse to help me – think me selfish.
I know there are many others who need saving.
But I’m telling you now. I’m asking for your permission now.
Your permission and your forgiveness…’ I swallow, unable to look at Delphine, though I feel the pearlsprite’s eyes on me.
She’s not as weak as my mother – not yet – but her prospects are bleak, murky as the water in that vial around her neck.
Maris threads her fingers through Delphine’s, and lifts her chin. ‘If I had the chance to save someone I love, I’d take it in a heartbeat.’
My chest locks. Is Maris going to fight me? Demand I save Delphine instead?
She sighs. ‘I don’t agree with the way you’ve gone about this, but I lost my mother. I don’t want you to lose yours. I won’t ask you to give this up. Not after the vision you had, not with her life hanging in the balance.’
The others nod, though most stare at the ground, unable to look at me. The pressure in my chest eases a little. Like the laces in a corset have been loosed, though not untied.
‘So long?’ Tansy whispers, chin trembling. ‘If we survive this, we’ll be searching for the other sceptres for… for…’ She doesn’t finish the sentence but I know her thoughts are with Glade, with those two curly-haired babes I saw in the mooncrystal. The family she expected to be embracing soon.
Looking at her, bearing this with her usual quiet fortitude, I’m reminded there’s more than one way to be strong. She’s no warrior like Maris, but of all of us, Tansy has given up the most to join this quest. In the ways that truly matter, she’s the strongest member of the Quaternity.
‘Why hasn’t Arden attacked, if she’s been following us all this time?’ Astrophel asks coldly. The stiffness in his shoulders pains me more than I expected. I can’t bear the disappointment in his eyes. The terror fast infusing them.
I search over my shoulder, half-expecting Arden to finally appear. As if speaking her name aloud might work as some kind of summoning charm.
I’m almost disappointed when it doesn’t.
‘I think she’s biding her time, waiting for us to lead her to the Starlight Staff. She must know about the blood rite. Must need us alive for that.’
Astrophel snorts as if he doesn’t believe a word of it. And secretly, neither do I – not really. Despite the explanation I’ve just regurgitated, I can’t understand why Arden hasn’t made her move. It’s a sum that doesn’t add up.
‘And the rest of it?’ Astrophel presses. ‘It’s true then? Those stories your mother used to spin about the night-birds? Razor-sharp talons, eyes that can kill… all of it?’
I exhale, nod. ‘I wanted to tell you the moment I heard.’
‘Why didn’t you, then?’ Blayze snaps. Betrayal burns behind his eyes.
This cuts deepest of all, though thanks to that star-damned callous, not as deep as it should. I promised there’d be no more secrets between us. I swore it.
‘Arden,’ I mumble. ‘I couldn’t risk her finding out, having time to prepare a defence. I didn’t want her to hurt you – any of you – not after what the Arx Magnum…’ My breath catches. I’m lying again, this isn’t the whole truth. ‘I-I had to think of the quest, put saving Arcelia first.’
‘Saving Arcelia or saving your mother?’
His words lash. I flinch as if they’d cut me. I deserve it – all of it. But it still hurts.
Silence again. Dreadful, heavy silence as they continue to absorb all I’ve just thrown at them.
At last, Astrophel rubs the heel of his hand through his hair. ‘So how do we overcome a flock of night-birds, then?’
I stare up at him. Once I saw his pragmatism as a flaw, evidence of an unfeeling heart, but now I admire his resilience, his ability to not let emotions cloud his logic. In this moment, I’m grateful for his clear head.
‘I have an idea,’ I whisper, wishing I didn’t have to speak it aloud.
Blayze juts his chin. ‘Out with it, then.’
And here we are. The final disclosure. The one I’ve been dreading more than all the others.
My gaze drifts to Serafine, sweeps to her one remaining fire-feather. ‘Only heat can truly overpower them.’
Blayze follows my gaze. His face contorts, the expression frozen somewhere between fury and terror.
‘No! Never! There’s got to be another way!’