Chapter 36
Ash
Ash can’t bear to accept Willow’s call. She’s deep in her feelings, here in the dark on the pebbled beach beside the ocean, picking up stones to lob into the water, one after the other.
It’s soothing. She’s cold, but not enough to be bothered.
It helps, to stand and face such a vast body of water.
She picks up a stone and rubs her finger over its smoothness before overarm-throwing it with the ease of a high school rounders champion.
Plop. In it goes. She seeks out another.
Plop. She knows this will pass, this feeling.
This sense of rejection, of not being enough.
She’s had this several times before and always lived to see another day.
This is no different. Coming to Lisbon wasn’t about that, anyway, not really.
Coming to Lisbon was always about doing something for herself.
Breaking out of routine. Living differently.
And that is exactly what she has done. She can admit that her feelings for CJ run deep, that somewhere along the way she fell, and fell hard.
It happened so slowly, so gradually, she never even noticed it.
But she will pick herself back up, keep moving forward.
And she will do it lighter, this time, now she knows about herself what she knows.
Her future doesn’t have to be considered a fail without a husband and kids.
She might not even be straight! Well. Obviously she isn’t.
That’s … exciting. New. If Willow is selling the business then Ash is about to become very wealthy indeed.
She can afford to really take her time with what comes next. That’s a gift.
Of course, she’d love to be figuring out what’s next with CJ, but …
‘Ash!’
She looks up. There, face lit up by the moon, is CJ herself.
And behind her Luis. And Miguel and Todd. And Jorge. And Willow! Also. What? Is that …
‘Mona?’ says Ash, in shock. ‘What are you doing here?’
CJ’s face falls, eyes locking in on Ash, as if she can’t believe that, out of everybody, it’s Mona Ash has chosen to talk to.
‘Got home and realised it’s not my home any more,’ Mona yells from across the way. ‘I’m ready for my life to be a lot more unexpected. I’m seizing the day!’
Ash shakes her head. Mona has left her whole other life behind? ‘Just like that?’ Ash asks her, amazed.
Mona shakes her head. ‘No. Not just like that,’ she replies. ‘It’s been a long time coming.’
Ash digests this. It’s easier to focus in on Mona than CJ, to buy herself time.
CJ is here. CJ. Is. Here. She dares to shift her gaze to look at her.
Immediately, all the other faces melt into the background.
CJ. CJ is … here. In Porto. CJ’s expression softens as she realises Ash is now giving her her undivided attention.
Seeing CJ is like exhaling after holding her breath.
Her face is a refuge, her eyes a reminder that actually, everything really will be OK. CJ takes a tentative step towards her.
‘And you?’ Ash says, when CJ is opposite her. ‘Last-minute group trip?’
CJ’s upper lip quivers. ‘Yolo,’ she shrugs. ‘Heard this is where all the cool kids are hanging lately.’
‘Yeah,’ says Ash. ‘I got that memo too.’
They stare, deciding between them whether this is the start of answers, or a whole new set of questions.
‘Ash,’ CJ says, reaching out for Ash’s hand.
Ash lets her take it, lump building in her throat.
‘I’ve been a very scared person when it comes to love, for a very long time.
I act brave in other ways – ways I’m proud of – but with my heart, with love and romance and all that stuff …
I’m terrified. And then you swooped into CoLab, heart on your sleeve, so vulnerable and open and honest about all the ways you refuse to give up on love, and it made me …
I don’t know. Mad. I was so angry at you for being hopeful!
But I admired it, too. Secretly. And then as we started to spend more time together I felt myself soften.
That’s the effect you have on people, Ash.
You let them be themselves, because you are so fully yourself, even when that self is fucking drunk on the side of the road, or crying at a bloody fado band.
’ Ash smiles at this. Their shared memories.
‘Being with you, getting to know you … it helped me to get to know myself. To understand what I am truly afraid of and all the ways I’ve made myself hard against what could be great, simply because the risk of softening felt too big.
And then that night we spent together … Everything I’ve feared – being left, being hurt, being revealed as a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve love anyway – it all went away.
When we were together. And I freaked out, because despite what you think, I do, in fact, freak out sometimes, and I messed up.
I let you think I didn’t care, when the fact of the matter is I care more about you than I do about myself.
I have fallen hopelessly, irrevocably, head over heels in love with you.
I love you. I do. And however you feel about me, I wanted to pay you the respect of living to your values, the ones you have taught me, which is to own how I feel even if how I feel is inconvenient or scary.
You don’t have to say it back. I want you to.
I want you to be in love with me as well.
I think you might be. But if you’re not, it’s OK.
I offer you my love with no conditions. I offer you my love as a way to say I want you.
You are the only person for me. My heart has chosen you. I choose you.’