Chapter Forty-Eight
She couldn’t get it out of her head. Despite her sadness over the baby, and their dreams for the future, Grace Hart-Madden, as she’d decided she wanted to be known from now on, had something to distract herself with: The kiss.
Not just the kiss, but the intensity with which she’d needed it—needed Caz. It had been more than nice. But there was a worry there, too. Was she using it just to distract her emotions away from the pain of losing the baby?
She chanced a side-eye glance at Caz and smiled.
No , she told herself, they were two separate issues.
She’d wanted to kiss Caz like that for a while; she could acknowledge it now. It turned her on and she could admit that too. She was noticing a lot about Caz lately; things she’d never allowed herself to really think about before.
How had she never seen it?
“It’s good to see you smiling again,” Caz said as she drove them towards the beach house.
Grace turned to her and sighed dreamily, reaching out her hand to place it easily on Caz’s thigh, because that’s what lovers did, didn’t they?
“Yeah.”
She noticed the way Caz casually glanced down at the move and she gave a little squeeze for good measure. She’d never done this before with Caz—something so intimate and casual—but it felt right. It felt…nice.
The weather had cleared a little—at the least the rain had stopped—and in the distance there were shades of blue peeking through the clouds.
“It’s kind of like me,” Grace said, now looking ahead.
“What is?” Caz indicated and overtook the slow-moving car in front.
“The sky…it’s mostly grey, but…the sun’s trying to come out, and brighter bits are peering out from behind the clouds.” She turned her attention back to Caz. “I think that’s how I feel…brighter bits are there, in the background, and slowly, they’re making their way to the front.”
Now Caz had finished her manoeuvre and pulled back into the slower lane, she let her hand land on top of Grace’s, still on her thigh.
“That sounds really good.”
“Can we go to that restaurant again? The one that overlooks the beach?”
“Absolutely. I’ve been dreaming about those burgers.” Caz smiled quickly at her before putting her eyes back on the road.
Grace was quiet for a moment, looking out of the window at the fields whizzing by as she said, “Can we sleep naked together once this bleeding stops?”
“Uh, I guess we could,” Caz said, a little unsure. “Won’t you be cold?”
Grace turned to face her. “I don’t think so. You’d keep me warm.”
“I am hot stuff, that’s true,” Caz joked, before getting serious and asking, “Are you sure you want that?”
“Yes,” Grace replied firmly. “We should be comfortable undressed around each other, don’t you think? We’ve been living together for over a year now, we’re married, and we—you know, we want to be more intimate with each other at some point, right?”
Caz nodded.
“I just think it might be a way of gently easing us there.” Grace continued, “You know, so we get used to the idea of each other in that way…”
“I’m happy to go at any speed you feel is—”
“Maybe we should just have sex? Rip the Band-aid off, so to speak?”
“That wasn’t… I mean, we could, but I didn’t mean that…I don’t think sex should ever be planned. It happens when it happens. I meant that… I’m happy to go along with whatever you need in order for you to feel more comfortable in any aspect of this…or not, if you change your mind and decide you don’t—”
“I won’t,” Grace said firmly, again. “You’re it for me, and I…I’m attracted to you. It’s not that I don’t want to be intimate…I guess, I’m just scared about it.”
She could see Caz’s mind working out how to answer that.
“I’m not scared of you, or us… Scared is the wrong word. I’m worried I won’t know what I’m doing and you’ll be disappointed, or I won’t enjoy certain things and I’ll be disappointed and then—”
“Grace?”
“Yes?”
“Do you like orgasms?” Caz asked as casually as if she were asking if Grace liked strawberries and cream.
“Of course I do.”
Keeping her eyes on the road, Caz continued, “Okay, and when men have gone down on you, you liked it?”
Grace felt her cheeks burn but she answered Caz’s question, “Yes, I did…well, mostly…some were better than others.”
Caz ignored that, preferring not to dwell too much on the men that had fumbled relationships with this beautiful creature in the past. On the other hand, she was grateful for that, too, because without them, they wouldn’t be in this situation now. She stopped thinking about men who had nothing to do with their marriage and got her mind focused back on what she was trying to say.
“And when they did, did they look like it wasn’t a pleasant experience?” She turned to face her. “And if you say yes, I want names and I’m going to go and punch them in the face for making you feel bad.”
Grace laughed. “No, none of them looked like they didn’t enjoy it.”
Caz grinned. “Good…and did you reciprocate?”
“Yes.”
“Even when it got messy and—”
Grace squeezed Caz’s thigh hard. “Yes. Please don’t ever say that out loud again.”
Now it was Caz who laughed. “Okay, okay…” She cleared her throat. “So, what makes you think going down on me, or touching me intimately, or me doing that with you, will be something you won’t like?”
Grace turned back to face forward and stare out of the window again. “You have a point.”
“I know,” Caz said, and indicated to get past the next slow driver to impede their journey. “So, sleeping naked? I can do that.”