18. Honoria
Chapter Eighteen
Honoria
My armor wasn’t shiny at all. It was tarnished and dirty, and everything disgraced.
No amount of polish was ever going to make it better.
The truth was staring me in the face in neat rows of letters strung into words that I couldn’t force my will upon.
The affidavit I’d constructed was a lie.
Oh, sure, the statement was truthful enough.
It was the premise that was rotten. I’d begun an affair with a client.
The date was the hardest part to document.
There was no doubt in my mind Jim would see his son’s birthday, and it would reinforce his belief that I hadn’t gotten over him.
That wasn’t why I’d slept with Wombat.
It wasn’t.
I think I was over my ex the day I started cramping and bleeding in the middle of a trial. I called the office to let them know I had to go to the hospital. They sent Jim to the courthouse to cover my cases.
And instead of arranging with the courts to postpone, he stayed.
He took my cases from me.
Which bothered me more? Him poaching my clients or not rushing to my side? Part of me was still angry about both. It didn’t matter that he’d blamed it all on the office. What mattered was how easy it was. Like I didn’t exist.
And worse?
I didn’t. Exist, that is. I’d sidelined who I was for the pregnancy. Then, when that was gone, I was left with nothing and became nothing.
That hole was real.
And that’s why I threw my career away. I wanted to be something so badly anything was better than walking around like one big void.
Wombat flirted with me. He saw me. He admired me, touched me in all the ways I’d forgotten, and most of all, he wasn’t an echo of my failures.
The sex was glorious. And as brief as the affair may become, I couldn’t stop wanting to latch onto the rapture of being that goddess he worshiped.
And right there was the lie.
Nothing on the page of lies hinted to that. Except that damn date. I almost removed it and put the second date in its place. It wasn’t as incriminating as the day before it. My sins were all right there in black and white.
And there was nothing that would hide them anymore.
I jogged the pages together with a sharp tap against the desk.
There was one way I could salvage my pride, and that would be a trial.
Was I valuable enough to this firm to pull a power move?
Perhaps. If Jim was going to delay, I had to strike first. I had to talk to Stephen and Bill.
Bill Walsh was the more approachable of the two, but in order to win, I needed the expertise of Stephen Poe. It would be his counsel that would save my career. If I couldn’t persuade him, my career was dead.
Both partners were in the small conference room when I entered. I laid down the copies of my statement in front of them.
They read the pages in silence.
I noted when Bill set his pointer finger on the first date. He glanced up.
I refused to feel shame. I met his gaze with my chin held steady.
Stephen flipped the page over and finished reading.
He sat back in his chair with a louder than normal exhale.
It wasn’t a sigh. Nor was it resignation.
It was a calculated release of pressure to gather an argument which could not be unraveled.
That’s why I worked for these men. Both were brilliant. But the founder was a legend.
Bill finished his reading and signaled that he was ready.
“Why didn’t you mention this earlier?” Stephen didn’t mince words.
I should have. “It wasn’t official.”
Bill snorted. “You do realize that even going out to a dinner with a client needs to be reported when it happens. Having…”
“Sex,” I offered the word to the room clinically.
“That. It’s a much larger step I would think.”
“I’m not going to sugarcoat this. I had sex with my former client.
I want to continue doing that. The question is, does this constitute a grave enough ethics breach or not?
” I raised a finger because I wasn’t done.
“And whether it creates a conflict of interest issue for the other, currently on leave, member of the firm’s team, who, I will remind you, is not having sex with anyone from his client, the Destroyers MC. ”
Stephen laughed.
“I don’t think this is funny,” Bill said.
“No, it’s hilarious. Honey finally gets some, and Jim got mad. You see what this is, right?”
“Yes, a continuation of the Cold War he started when he began sleeping with that girl.”
Stephen was still chuckling. “A Cold War. That’s apt terminology. The trouble is, he forgot Honey held nukes the entire time.”
“It’s Honoria.”
He glanced away from Bill to see me. “And that’s a mouthful. What is a good way to shorten that?”
“Honor.”
The mirth in his tone died. With its death, something somber creeped into his eyes. “You tried to live up to that name, didn’t you?”
“Yes.”
He flipped the page back over. “This Wombat, he’s thirteen years younger than you are.”
I’d lost him. “Yes.”
“Are you sure you’re not taking advantage of him?”
“It wasn’t like that. Read the notes again. He made the first move, and the second.” And probably a twentieth. I’d lost count.
“I don’t have to read the notes. I’m aware of what kind of boys Walt likes to recruit.
And that’s what they are for the most part, overgrown boys.
The ones who do grow up become dangerous men—the kind I know I wouldn’t want to be on the bad side of.
” Stephen paused and glanced at the door.
“Bill, tell the receptionist no one is allowed in for the next ten minutes.”
His partner stepped out to make that happen.
He left the door cracked, so I could see the conversation from my vantage point.
I don’t know if that was intentional or not.
But once he returned and closed the door, I had the feeling it had been.
Whatever they were going to say now would be an attempt to change my mind.
Or rattle me hard enough I’d be altered.
The research I’d done on the current rash of cases around the Destroyers MC, but not involving them directly scrolled through my thoughts. I had arguments constructed for each accusation.
Bill settled in his chair.
Stephen set his hands on the table, poised fingertip to fingertip. A move to show his hands were empty. A classic.
I set both of mine on the table as well, but refused to resort to a feint so obvious.
Bill started. “This battle between you and Jim has got to stop.”
“It’s not a battle.”
“No? Why does he feel the need to bring the baby to the office? In case you didn’t understand what he did, that was a sortie.”
“And it failed because it takes two to battle.”
Stephen leaned a bit to stage whisper to Bill, “See? I told you, nukes.”
“Fine. You lead.”
They’d rehearsed this. Damn it.
I refused to let my unease show.
Stephen picked up the conversation. “When you took a leave of absence I half expected you wouldn’t come back, but you did. And I felt it was too soon.”
“My therapist didn’t.”
He nodded. “You proved me wrong. Your therapist was right. You needed to immerse yourself in work and reality. Then Jim pulled that shit with Denise, and you two got divorced. But somehow through it all you remained solid. Frankly, I’m a bit awed.
I don’t think I’d have that kind of dedication if my wife left me. ”
I could feel the “but” coming.
He moved the pages in front of him to line them up. The word didn’t even need to be spoken. It was right there in black and white.
“It was the baby, wasn’t it? The final straw? You couldn’t deny things anymore, could you?”
Bill moved his pages to align that damn date better in his view.
“Yes. I believe that’s correct.”
Stephen shifted tactics. “The Destroyers aren’t our only client. We have other work. But this particular group of clients do, at times, test our patience. I would assume you can remain impartial for the rest of the members during those times, correct?”
“Yes.”
“Good.”
Bill picked up where Stephen left off. “We will inform Walt of this change. You’ll be exempted from any cases where Mr. Blessing is involved. That includes any possible federal cases.” His eyes remained on me for too long.
“I’m aware of the rumors and the increased scrutiny on the account. I would assume you would not exclude me from team brainstorming?”
“That depends,” Bill stated.
I almost broke discipline and showed emotion. “On?”
They performed another seamless hand off. “On whether this affair continues, and how deep your boyfriend involves you with the club.” Stephen’s tone was casual, but a warning lurked under the surface.
“I understand.”
“The optics would look like shit,” Bill grumbled.
Stephen laughed. “No, if the worst happened, I think her leading their defense team would humanize them. Luckily, they haven’t given us reason to worry about that.” He turned to me. “But I believe you understand we’re not naive.”
“Neither am I.”
His eyebrows lifted as he acknowledged my point. “Jim is. We’re going to have to take him off their account. He is showing signs of bias. You’re going to have to pick up the slack and take over as primary counsel. I’ll set an appointment to introduce you next week.”
Stephen stood and addressed the room. “We good?”
Bill nodded.
I nodded on autopilot. Here I thought I’d be reprimanded at least. Not handed one of the premier accounts.
Bill lingered as I gathered my thoughts. He asked, “That wasn’t what you expected?”
“Frankly, no. I expected to be fired, sent to the review board, and have my license pulled.”
He studied me for almost too long. “Why is that? Did you leave anything out?”
“I left nothing out.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“I am. You have my notes, the dates, the activities, the—”
He sat back down and interrupted me. “What I don’t have in here is the biggest truth.”
I didn’t know how to answer that.
Bill’s gaze didn’t falter. “You didn’t tell us how you’re handling yourself now, emotionally.”
My therapist didn’t even get that. Panic lodged in my throat. I tried to swallow it and answer without my voice breaking. “It has been difficult.”
His eyes bored into me.
“What has been difficult. Name it.”
“Living.”
There may have been a momentary ripple of surprise on his face, but I couldn’t read into it because he masked it well. “Just…living?”
“I don’t know who I am. I don’t feel like the same person I was three years ago. I feel less, or more truthfully, I feel nothing.”
An almost imperceptible nod answered me.
“Most affairs start that way. You find someone who makes you feel better about yourself. You use them to rediscover who you thought you were. Sometimes you find yourself, but most often you hurt everyone around you because you can’t find yourself through someone else.
But sometimes they can give you the nudge you need to take the steps for yourself. It’s a crap shoot.”
Part of me wondered if he was speaking from experience. It would be improper for me to ask.
He stood. “You’re a damn good lawyer. You work for one of the best firms in the state. We trust you. But, if you don’t trust yourself, then we have a problem. I suggest you work with your therapist to find out who you’ve become.”
The door remained open after he left. The office buzzed with normal activity.
My thoughts lingered on his parting words.
Did I trust myself? I thought I had.
Was I projecting weakness? Could that be what he’d noticed?
A laugh huffed out. Weakness? I’d been one big bundle of weakness for a long time. That he hadn’t called me on it before this point meant I’d hidden it too well.
And the biggest piece of this was the void I stared into. The future was one big hole. Being a damn good lawyer and working for one of the best firms in the state couldn’t fill it. Maybe it might take up a handful of the emptiness, but I was afraid my career would be all I’d ever be.
Why couldn’t I be happy just being a damn good lawyer?
Because that’s not what you really want. You want more. You almost had more.
I quickly jotted a note to follow up on.
It read, talk to the therapist.