Chapter 20
CHAPTER 20
M y eyes fly open when I scent the rosewood in the air. I know it is him; I would recognize Kaushika anywhere. Only a couple months, and he has already become as familiar to me as the rhythms of my own breath.
Still, I scan the trees when I do not see him—and I stare in shock at the silent transformation of the forest. The trees circling the pond are aglow with beams of light, resembling berries of golden dust, luscious fruit ripe and ready to be picked. Soft music rims the air—not a true melody but a hum , like the one that always exists at the hermitage. The breeze, the water lapping, the chirping of a distant animal … all are like notes to this silent song.
My own beauty enhances this strange magic. Rainbows glimmer off my jewelry, catching the moonshine, the chips of ice, the light of my own aura. They splay around me, their angles falling on my eyelashes and throat, illuminating my waist and my slightly parted mouth.
Slowly, I stand. Is this my doing? I have not begun any illusions, nor curled any mudras. I have not made any runes either, but I search inside me, and I see the golden tether of Amaravati braiding with my prana. Both my powers harmonize in a strange enchantment, and I realize that whatever has done this, it is not any simple combination of the two magics. In this moment of danger and destruction, power itself has made up its mind on what it must be. It is the same as what I used with the halahala, the mirrored force that reflected Kaushika back to me, a magic that exists far beyond my own ken.
Then I see him.
Standing on the shore opposite me, still dressed in the clothes from only a few hours ago.
Even from this distance I can tell that his face is unreadable.
The mission, Rambha’s words, the chant I used to call him here—all come crashing back to me, weighing me down. The moment of wonder surrounding the magic evaporates. I stare at him, unable to say anything, unable even to move, terror making my heart pound. How long before he ends me? How long before I betray him? I should begin my dance, create my mudras, but I stand there, frozen, a statue made of silver and shimmer, watching him come closer.
He approaches the bridge I built. His own power and grace, his fluidity as he comes closer, overwhelm me, making my breathing uneven. He is almost upon me, and belatedly I raise my chin, trying hard not to tremble. He is only a whisper away, curiosity in his eyes, eyes that are clear of seduced lust, not a speck of the hollowness in them that I have come to expect from my marks.
“Meneka,” he murmurs, and glances around us at the beams of light ricocheting off the trees. “Did you do this?”
I nod but say nothing.
“How?”
My eyes dart to the incandescent forest. “I—I don’t know,” I whisper. “I—I didn’t do it deliberately.”
Kaushika nods slowly as though in secret understanding of something, then utters a small, rueful smile. “I should know better than to ask you,” he says quietly. “You are power incarnate. You are magic made flesh. You are glorious.”
His words are everything I have wanted to hear, and though his gaze is clear, there is deep admiration there too, just as if he were a mark. He studies me, drinking all of me in, and I inhale deeply, trying to hold on to my path, my hands loose by my side, waiting to curl into mudras.
Kaushika rubs one end of my sari between a thumb and forefinger. “Where did you find such clothes?” he asks softly.
“You are not the only one to come from royalty,” I choke out.
His mouth curves in an amused smile, but then his head snaps back up to meet my eyes and he finally notices me quivering. “You’re cold,” he says, frowning.
I shake my head. It is not the cold making my body shudder, but he is already clicking his fingers. Warmth swirls around us in spirals of steam, and suddenly we are cocooned in a comfortable heat. Through the eddying strands, I still see the forest beyond, glowing, but I know instinctively that we are ensconced in privacy, protected by his magic.
He tips my chin up with a knuckle. “Is all this for me?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Why?”
To save your life , I think. To save my city. To prove my devotion. The words crash in my head in a haze of storm, so close to coming out, but in that instant as I stare into his eyes, another truth emerges, and I blurt out, “Because I want you. I have wanted you for a long time.” Because I love you , I add silently, cutting myself off before I say something I cannot take back.
He is silent for so long that my fear returns again, making my heart pound.
What am I doing? I should be dancing . But the jewels from heaven weigh me down, and my own intentions blur in my mind, and he is still so unreadable, everything too much, and I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe —
Kaushika leans forward and captures my mouth in a kiss. He cradles my head in his hands, and a whimper escapes me as his tongue savages my mouth. He tastes of heat and desire and pure hunger, and suddenly nothing exists outside of this moment. No Rambha. No Indra. No mission. Nothing matters except that we live in this instant, and that he never stops. His tongue punishes and soothes me equally, one second ravaging me with harsh strokes, the next smoothing over my lips, his mouth kissing mine in soft whispers. My hands reach to encircle his neck, my nails digging into the smooth skin, and I begin to pant, chasing each kiss of his with my own, claiming his mouth when he pauses to catch his breath. Desire strokes my belly at the familiarity of his taste, at how much I need him now in this moment of combined honesty and deception, and I skim his lips with my teeth, nipping back even as he chastises me with bold lashes of his tongue, hungering.
I don’t want us to stop. I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to wake up from this dream, where this kiss is pure and untainted with anything but our greed for each other. Where I can simply lose myself and don’t have to think of anything else but now .
With a groan against my mouth, Kaushika steps back. I am trembling again, but this time it is neither from cold nor from fear. I watch him, and his chest rises and falls.
“You want me,” he says, and I nod, my breathing uneven.
I want him. It is the one truth I know in this moment.
He smiles, a half-tilted smile that reveals his dimples, and reaches up to my neck to unlock the chains from swarga. One by one, he detaches them all. They are some of the most precious amulets from Amaravati, filled with enormous magic, but he drops them, the pearls and sapphires cast aside like so many stones. They clink when they fall on ice, but neither Kaushika nor I take our eyes off each other. I watch him, breathless, as his fingers graze my bare neck to the earrings, which he removes too. He pulls the pins free of my braid, combing out my hair with his thick fingers until even Indra’s circlet and his own crescent comb join the pile on the ground. My scalp prickles with his touch, and a husky sigh falls from my lips.
He watches my mouth like it is the tastiest fruit, deep desire in his eyes.
“Powerful though these amulets are,” Kaushika whispers, “you do not need them. You never have. Not for me.”
I shiver where I stand, chills erupting over me. His touch is like a tingling breeze, and his fingers skim over my neck and my jaw. He leans down and nuzzles me, trailing kisses along my cheek, along the corner of my mouth, and the soft spot by my ear. Kaushika inhales deeply, and the sound almost undoes me. I writhe in his grasp, but he keeps me steady, his teeth grazing along my neck as he sucks slowly, leisurely, at the delicate skin. A gasp wrenches from me, and I squirm harder, growing uncomfortably damp. My eyes flutter shut in exquisite agony. If he weren’t holding me up, I would fall.
Lust grows in me, hot and heavy, and I want to lean forward and kiss him. I want to take him in my arms, have him pressed hard against me, but instinct tells me I must not rush this. Kaushika is doing this not just for me but for himself. My hair falls thick and heavy down my shoulders, released from my apsara braid, and his one hand weighs it, a growl in his throat, tugging it ever so slightly before relinquishing it. A half sob escapes me as my belly churns with fire.
Slowly, ever so slowly, he reaches to pull the ends of my sari from around my shoulders. The pallu drops, sashaying around my waist in a train. I do not sense him doing it, so consuming is my own lust, but before I know it he has unbuttoned my blouse. He removes my arms from it, discarding the clothing so I am standing in a river of sari, my breasts bare.
Kaushika steps back then, and his gaze flares as he studies me. “You are beautiful,” he says softly. “Beyond what you can know.”
I have heard words like this before, but I tremble regardless, because for the first time these words are said not just for my body. Kaushika alone has seen of me what no one else has. My nipples harden in the bare air, and Kaushika captures one breast, brushing the nipple back and forth with his thumb until it is almost painful. I suppress a cry, and my head drops back, just as he dips his head and sucks the other nipple . My mind blurs. I hold on to him as my legs almost buckle, but he continues to suck, bringing me to a peak of pleasure before turning to lavish his attention on the other breast.
The sounds escaping me are part whimper, part sob. When Kaushika stops, my eyes fly open and I reach for him, but he is only dropping to his knees in front of me. I stare at him, amazed and heavy-lidded, as he unravels the rest of my sari, pooling it away in a glistening stream. The rest of my jewels come off too, and he tugs at my silk underclothes. I step out of them as though in a daze, and he tosses them all away.
And then I stand there, utterly naked as Kaushika kneels in front of me. His hands rest on my waist, thumbs pressing hard on my hipbones. His whole body shudders, his head bowed. He is still fully clothed, his hair still in a sage’s topknot.
“You want me,” he repeats softly, and it is almost as though he is talking to himself. “But you have had me since the first moment we saw each other. You have me now, and for as long as you desire, in any way you desire. And I”—Kaushika finally lifts his head, and his eyes glitter—“I would have you free. I would have you unbound. I would have you powerful.”
My eyes widen. I see myself through his mind. Invincible. Exquisite. A goddess. Through the cocoon of warmth Kaushika has conjured, the magic in the forest roars at me, sensing my own acknowledgment of myself. I do not understand it, but I am here, and so is he, and perhaps it is because I am not weighed with Indra’s jewels anymore, perhaps it is because I am finally here as me . Magic explodes out of me in a burst of radiance in recognition of my own nature, and the both of us gasp, alive and glorious and hungry.
Kaushika grabs me around the waist and lays me down. I have only a moment to wonder that he has somehow conjured a bed of heather, that I lie not on hard ice but on soft, cushioned moss. His hands push my knees wide, and a gasp twists from me as he bends low and drags his tongue across my entrance. My back arches, and I cry out his name. Pleasure rushes through me as his tongue finds my sensitive spot, and my fingers dig deep into his skin even as my hips rise for more.
“I—I—” Words stutter out, but he gives me no time to think. His hands push my legs wider, locking my ankles on his shoulders. His tongue nips and teases at that bud within me, licking, smoothing, circling until I am insensate, my body writhing. A spiral of heat grows within me, tighter and tighter, and my eyes fly open, my vision blurry with endless pleasure. Magic whips inside me like a cord, and my legs tremble uncontrollably. I have no questions in me, no doubts, no plans, nothing but pure pleasure. Kaushika pulls back and inserts one finger inside of me and I cry out in sweet relief, needing more.
It is too much. It is not enough. My hands scrabble at the heather, feeling the ice underneath. They reach for him, and he inserts another finger, pressing into the sensitive walls, alternating between his mouth and his hand. The double assault unmoors me.
Hot, terrifying pleasure jolts through me, and my back arches. My cry is throaty and raw as Kaushika licks me toward the waves of my orgasm, his tongue raspy and hungry.
And then I finally cannot take any more.
Ecstasy rips through me, taking all of me away with it, and nothing exists but that sensation. The white-hot agony of it spears through my back, my skull, my very bones, and power braids within me, raw and alive. Waves of infinite pleasure rush through me, one after another, until I am soaked below. I shatter in a thousand pieces of light, my mind blanking.
I am shivering as I come down from the precipice. My eyes drift open to moonlight, and I cannot believe that I brought him here to be seduced. That this was meant to go differently. That everything about it was somehow perfect.
I sit up and find him watching me, still at my knees. It irks me to see him fully clothed, but there is nothing like victory in his eyes. There is only humility and a wariness, like he cannot believe that he is here with me, that he is amazed by his good fortune.
“Meneka?” he asks carefully.
I lean forward and grab the collar of his kurta in my fist. “Take your clothes off,” I command.
He arches an eyebrow at that. “We don’t have to—”
“I want to,” I interrupt. “Do you?”
Kaushika smiles. “More than anything.”
I nod. “Then take your clothes off.”
He does not argue this time. Kaushika obeys and whips his kurta off, baring his muscled chest. The trousers come off too, and he kneels above me, tall and handsome and powerful. I stroke his hardness from root to tip, and he groans, his hands burying themselves in my hair as I lean forward to kiss him—but then I pull him down in a swift movement, pushing him to his back.
Kaushika’s eyes flare as I sit astride him, my legs wrapped around his. He doesn’t say anything and neither do I as I guide his length inside me, but the moment we make contact, the both of us gasp. He grips my thighs and pushes into me until he is buried fully inside. His eyes flare and a groan rips from the both of us in how amazing he feels there, how perfect.
“Am I hurting you—” he begins, but I don’t let him finish. I move my body, and he moves his in response. It is our first time together, but it is neither gentle nor tender. It is hard and fast and rough , and Kaushika’s moans tear out of him, both our bodies sweaty as he thrusts. I place one hand on his muscled stomach, and my other grips his leg. His hands are tight enough on my waist to leave imprints.
And before the oblivion of my pleasure takes me once more, I have one final thought. I am no closer to my goals of seducing him like an apsara. I have always been lost with him. Yet tonight, I am found.
W E DO IT AGAIN. S O MANY TIMES THAT I LOSE COUNT .
It is sweet. It is painful. It is intoxicating. We explore each other’s bodies. We learn what makes us gasp, what makes us laugh, what makes us senseless. We slap each other’s hands away and press each other deeper. He holds me down, thrusting into me from behind, pulling my hair back and growling that he is not done when I make to move. I ride him again, and beneath me his eyes gleam, his breathing savage. His fingers crook into me, one then another, stroking, pushing until I am mindless over and over again. My mouth relieves him, sucking and lapping, taking him deep within my throat, and his back arcs, holding my head down, guiding me up and down the way he needs me.
The magic dissipates around us slowly. When he rests, eyes closed and breathing easy, I take all my discarded jewelry, even the precious crown from Indra, and toss it into the lake. I stand over it, disrobed, my hair free, staring into the water’s depths as the moon travels across the night sky and gives way to a chest of treasure. I stare at myself in the water, my reflection blurry with the ripples. My body chills, goose bumps erupting over me, but I do not shiver.
A clarity descends on me. It is not a clarity of knowledge—for I still cannot fully fathom what I have done. No. This is a clarity of being certain without knowledge. Of being certain of myself. I know its fragility and foolishness. But it is love, and what is more foolish than love? Shiva himself nearly destroyed the universe when he lost Sati.
I used magic, so strong and unfathomable that even I don’t understand it. Kaushika and I lay together. I did what Rambha asked me to do, but did I do it for her? Kaushika’s eyes are clear, burning with intelligence and kindness like they usually do. Rambha will be back soon, wanting to know how I have fared. What will I tell her?
She flickers in my mind, faded and colorless, the star-anise scent of her just a memory. I stare at my naked reflection in the pond and see how she and I could never have been. We were just marks to each other. The shape of Kaushika’s seduction, however, has always been my own. He has given me permission to love him the way I need. I have given him permission to live in my heart. And now, when I have finally been honest with myself, I can be honest with him. I can tell him who I am, and trust that he will believe my intentions.
Kaushika calls out my name, and I turn and smile.
He rises and dons his pajamas again. Bare-chested, he offers me his kurta. My sari, along with my jewels, is at the bottom of the lake. I carefully wear his shirt and tie my hair using the wooden crescent comb. I gaze at him questioningly.
“This thing you did,” he begins, then pauses, shaking his head. His hand rests idly on my waist, but his gaze takes in the forest around us, studying the golden hues of the residual magic. “Meneka, you are powerful beyond anything I can contemplate. You do not even know the extents of your limits, let alone the shape of them. If you truly allowed yourself to unleash them …”
I don’t know what to say. I follow his gaze and try to dissect what he is seeing. The golden, twinkling lights on the trees still resemble beads of fruit. I have made illusions more powerful than that, but then again, I don’t know how I did this magic now. I simply closed my eyes, waiting for Kaushika, and magic poured out of me.
“I think it is similar to what we did with the halahala,” I say softly. “A kind of combination of certain magics.”
“I think so too,” Kaushika agrees, though I know he understands combination as the power of his magic and mine, when I mean it to be Amaravati’s golden power and the wild prana in me. “I have been thinking about how you assisted me with the halahala,” he says. “I have questioned it, even looked into ancient texts, trying to understand—but all I know is that it was power braided in a rare manner. Still, it has told me another thing.”
I tilt my head at him, noticing the serious look in his eyes. “What is that?”
“It is past time for me to show you something you have been owed ever since the incident with the halahala,” he replies. “Past time I shared a truth about myself.”
I move closer to him. “Kaushika,” I whisper, my heart racing. “I must share a truth with you too.”
“Allow me first,” he says, and a ghost of a smile flashes across his features.
I want to insist that mine is more important. That what I say might change things. Here it is, finally, the truth I have been wanting to tell him for so long—of who I really am.
But still holding me, Kaushika closes his eyes, and a chant emerges from his lips. I have heard it before, and the hairs on the back of my neck rise. In front of us, air ripples as though a stone has been thrown into water. It parts, and a summer breeze drifts toward us.
My eyes widen.
All thoughts of sharing my true identity flee my mind in the face of what I see.
This is the meadow. His meadow.
Kaushika removes his hand from my waist but holds it out to me in offering. Wonderingly, I take it.
We step through together.