FORTY-SEVEN
Aliya
PRESENT
The tension in the room is palpable, with only the occasional rustling of paper breaking the silence.
“What the …”, Milan mutters as he lets the sheets slip from his hand. They flutter slowly to the floor, scattering across the ground. “This … This doesn’t make any sense.”
I can see the despair in his posture. The way he leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees, lowering his head, and running his fingers through his hair in frustration.
“Milan,” I say softly, moving closer to him.
He doesn’t hear me as he’s still shaking his head in disbelief, lost in his own world. “I don’t understand.”
My heart aches as I watch his body begin to tremble.
“Why would he … Why would he do this?”
“He didn’t want to hurt you.”
“By lying to me for years? Keeping everything a secret and leaving me in the dark? Pushing me away so I’d hate him? That’s not fucking fair! He doesn’t get to decide what burdens me and what doesn’t! I have the right to know the truth, no matter how much it hurts!”
His whole body shakes, muscles tensing under his skin.
“He could’ve … He shouldn’t have to carry this burden alone. He shouldn’t have to destroy himself for my sake.” His jaw clenches. “I would’ve understood him. I … I would’ve shared that burden with him.”
I take his hands away from his head and pull his face to my chest. He grips the fabric of my shirt so tightly that his knuckles turn white.
I feel my own tears welling up. “I know.”
“He says he wants us both to be free.” His voice is hoarse. “How is this freedom? How can he think I’d be better off without him? He says he did it for me. As if I could just move on without him. Forget him. He was so focused on protecting me, but did he ever think about how much I need him? I was so fucking lost without him. I thought I-”
He breaks .
My own tears stream down my cheeks as I hold him tighter, feeling him cry .
Every tear he sheds feels like a stab to my heart.
It’s as if he’s once again that little boy – Lio’s Stitch – mentioned in the letters. The little brother who cried for his big brother when he had to go to school. The fragile child who was left alone too early.
“Everything’s okay now,” I whisper. I settle myself onto his lap to pull him closer. “You’re not alone.”
My fingers gently run through his hair as I lay my cheek against his head, trying to stifle my own sobs. “Let it all out.”
Over time, Milan’s breathing begins to calm, the frantic gasps giving way to a steady rhythm. He keeps holding onto me, his face buried in the crook of my neck, while his body occasionally trembles.
I hold him, my grip firm yet gentle, tracing invisible patterns on his back with my fingers.
After a while, he pulls away from me, his slightly reddened eyes fixed on the papers scattered on the floor. It’s impressive how he manages to look so good even after crying.
“Where did you get these letters?”
I internally flinch at his question.
This is exactly why I came here today. I have to admit that I knew his brother and had kept the letters a secret for so long.
Slowly, I rise from his lap and stand up straight. “I … I found them.”
“Where?”
I nervously play with my fingers, a habit I have when I’m agitated. “In the … In the book I took from your library.”
“In a book?”
I nod, unable to meet his gaze directly.
A tense silence envelops us. His jaw twitches slightly as it dawns on him how long they’ve been in my possession.
After a moment, he suddenly stands up and steps closer to me, the space between us feeling suddenly smaller.
“You’re telling me you’ve had these damn letters since the house party and didn’t say anything?”
The cold tone in his voice makes me wince. “I didn’t know what it was. I found them and-”
He cuts me off with a heated gesture. “Did you read them?”
“What?”
“Answer my fucking question, Aliya. Did you read the letters?”
“I … yes.”
His eyes darken as my confession hangs in the air. “You read them and thought they weren’t important enough to tell me about?”
“Milan, I just wanted-”
“You just wanted what? You knew where the scar on my back came from, yet you pretended you had no idea. You acted like you didn’t know anything while you actually fucking knew more than I did.”
I swallow hard.
He’s right.
“I didn’t know how to tell you. Kilian didn’t want … He didn’t want you to find out. I just wanted to do the right thing.”
He laughs bitterly. “The right thing?” Milan steps even closer. “The right thing would have been to be honest! But instead, you decided what I could know and what I couldn’t.”
I shake my head. “I was scared, okay? Scared that you wouldn’t handle it.”
“And now? Now that I find out like this, is it better? Now that I know you’ve known about all of this for weeks and kept it from me?”
I bite my lip and try to hold back the emotional storm brewing inside me.
He takes a deep, shaky breath, trying to calm himself. “Who gave you the right to decide for me, Aliya? Who gave you the right to choose what I can handle and what I can’t? Did you ever think about how it feels for me to find out that you’ve been lying to my face?”
“I didn’t lie, I just-”
His voice rises. “Just what? Just kept the truth from me? For months?”
I withheld important information from him, no matter how much I convinced myself I was doing it to protect him. It’s my fault.
“I …,” I struggle for words. “I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t respond to my apology, but stares at me for what feels like an eternity.
“And I thought you couldn’t be more like him.” His lips press into a straight line. “You both seem to prefer staying silent when it matters.”
I feel cold sweat break out on my forehead. He’s comparing me to Kilian?
The silence that follows his words is deafening. He turns toward the door, wanting to leave the room and leave me here alone.
“Wait!” I step in front of him, blocking his way. “You’re upset. You shouldn’t leave like this.”
“You’ve kept something so important from me for months, and now you want to tell me what to do?”
He scoffs and tries to move around me, but I get in front of him again, refusing to budge.
“What I did was wrong, I know that. But you can’t just walk away.”
“Get out of my way.”
“No.”
“I mean it, Aliya,” he replies.
“So do I.”
The tension in the room is palpable, and I can see his jaw clench, but then he lets out a deep sigh.
“You don’t understand. I need to get out of here before I say something I’ll regret later. Knowing that you kept all this from me is driving me crazy.”
I stare at him for a moment. Part of me wants to force him to stay and listen, but the pain and anger I see in his eyes hold me back. Reluctantly, I step aside and let him pass.
Milan brushes past me without looking at me. Just before he leaves, he pauses as if he wants to say something, but then he decides against it and exits the living room. The sound of the door closing behind him echoes in my ears.
It feels as if he has not only left the room but also me. Forever.
Our story hadn’t even begun before it ended because of me.
With trembling hands, I gather the letters. My vision blurs as tears well up.
I didn’t just destroy Milan, I ruined everything that was between us.
Suddenly, I’m interrupted by a soft meow near the patio door. I look up and see a fluffy white cat slip through the half-open door.
It quietly trots toward me. Its two different-colored eyes watch me before it rubs against my leg and purrs softly. I place the gathered papers facedown on the table.
Since when does Milan have a cat?
Despite my current state of mind, I can’t help but reach down to stroke it. I sit on the soft carpet, and the cat curls up on my lap. It allows me to pet it, making me smile slightly.
“Yeah, I’m sure LJ is here. I’ll just go find her, Pavla.”
I freeze at the sound of a familiar voice from the hallway and hear footsteps approaching.
“LJ! Come-”
Elena stands in the doorway, her eyes widening as she sees me sitting on the floor with the cat in my arms.
The last time we saw each other was at the party, when she ran away, with Milan chasing after her.
She clears her throat and steps into the room. “There you are. I’ve been looking for her.”
“I didn’t know she was your cat. I’m sorry I-”
She cuts me off. “It’s fine.”
I watch as she kneels beside me, gently stroking the cat on my lap.
She looks a lot like her younger sister, but there are subtle differences. Elena’s cheekbones are a bit softer, and her hair is lighter. She doesn’t seem as cold as she did before, and her unexpected understanding throws me off balance.
“She doesn’t like everyone, you know?” she tells me, without looking up. “It took her five years to stop hissing at me.”
“She doesn’t seem to be bothered by me,” I murmur quietly.
“You’re right. She’s comfortable with you.”
Elena glances up at me. A small spark of nostalgia flashes in her eyes before it fades away. “You remind her of him .”
My heart twists in my chest. Of who?
“ He was her favorite,” she adds.
I swallow hard, feeling a lump form in my throat. “What … What’s the cat’s name?”
Elena smiles. “He named her Lady Jane . For me, she’s just LJ.”
The name hits me like a punch in the gut.
Kilian’s cat, named after his favorite author.
My hands stop stroking the cat as I process this information.
“Kilian had a weakness for books, motorcycles, cooking, and his little brother. But LJ held a special place in his heart. Sometimes he paid her more attention than me. And every time I tried to get closer to him, that feisty lady jumped in between us. She didn’t want to share Kil with me.”
All this time, I thought there was something between Milan and Elena, but now I feel that my suspicion was aimed at the wrong brother.
“Are you … his …”
“Yes, Kilian and I were together for a long time, until he …” She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and exhales before looking at me again. “Let me guess, he didn’t tell you anything about me when you two met?”
My jaw drops in shock. “You know?”
“That you were meeting up with my boyfriend? Well, he talked a lot about you.”
A warm feeling washes over me.
Kilian spoke about me to his girlfriend?
“You can imagine how weird it was for me when Kil told me one day that he made friends with a middle schooler. He never told me how you met or why you got along so well. But he said he wanted to be there for you. And even though I thought it was strange at first, I trusted him. I knew he would never lie to me.”
“He said that?”
“You know, he was very helpful. He wanted to help everyone, but in doing so, he forgot to ask for help himself.”
Her voice trembles slightly as she nervously fidgets with her hands. “He started developing bad habits. Things he normally would never do.”
“Habits?”
I don’t recall ever seeing Kilian with a bad habit. He didn’t even smoke.
Elena presses her lips together and shakes her head. Her blue eyes glisten with unshed tears. “I owe you an apology.”
“Apology? For what?” I ask, confused.
“When Kilian started to change drastically, I blamed you. I thought you were pulling him down, bringing out his bad sides. I’ve judged you for years for the negative change in him. But I was wrong. Kilian was struggling with other things that affected his decision.”
The revelation hits me like a slap to the face.
Not because she accused me, but because I’m afraid she might be right. Kilian didn’t change while we were together. But what if the pressure he felt to be there for me caused him to change?
“When I first saw you at the house party, I knew immediately who you were.” Elena reaches for LJ and pulls her onto her lap. “LJ and I seem to be alike. You remind us of the same person.”
My heart sinks. “I remind you of him ?”
It’s a strange feeling to know that I remind someone of Kilian, the person who shaped my life so deeply.
“You have the same eyes. The same look. Even the same expressions. But it’s not just your appearance that reminds me of him,” she adds. “Milan always said it was the way you are that reminded him of Kilian. And I think he’s right.”
I feel a wave of surprise wash over me. “Milan?”
Elena hums in confirmation, a knowing smile playing on her lips. “I don’t know what you’ve done, but both brothers have a little weakness for you.”
LJ jumps back onto my lap, making herself comfortable.
“And LJ seems to feel the same way,” Elena chuckles.
I falter, trying to process all this new information. I remind Milan of his brother? Since when? And what has he said about me?
Lowering my gaze, I glide my fingers over LJ’s fur. “Kilian … Lio. That’s what I always called him. I didn’t know much about him. We didn’t share much about ourselves. But he … he shaped my life so deeply. I owe him … I owe him so much. When I had no one and was buried deep in a black hole, he pulled me out. And I’m so sorry I couldn’t stop him when he fell into his own hole. I was and still am so ignorant. I didn’t realize Lio was struggling, just like I didn’t see that I was hurting Milan with my decision.”
Tears trickle down my cheeks as a heavy weight presses on my chest.
“None of us is to blame for what happened to Kilian. I’ve always wondered what if. But I know Kilian wouldn’t want any of us to feel guilty about his choices.”
Her words ring true, even though I can’t quite shake the guilt that’s settled in my heart.
“And as for Milan, I may not know what’s happened between you two, but it’ll be fine.”
I shake my head. “I made a foolish decision, and he got hurt because of it. He probably hates me now.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself. He doesn’t hate you. I know it.”
Skeptically, I turn to her. “How can you be so sure?"
The corners of her mouth lift slightly. “I saw the way he looked at you.”
“The way he looked at me?”
“As if you hung the stars in the sky.” A small smile finds its way to her lips. “Just like his brother always looked at me.”