Chapter 5 #2
It was fun to imagine what having a little apartment would be like because I’d only had one for a couple of months after I first moved to California.
I started working as a barista near a downtown hospital and met Stephen, who was an executive there.
He’d convinced me it would be so much easier for me to stop working.
We were together for five years. When he broke up with me, he suggested I stay in one of his friend’s guesthouse, then another, and another.
I was with Jonathan when I hit the wall.
Every move had been choreographed, but I’d been the only one who hadn’t realized I was standing on a lazy Susan.
“I’ve noticed you make a little face when someone says your name. Is it because you don’t really like the name Andy?”
“I don’t care what you call me.”
“That’s not the same as liking it.”
“Don’t be silly. It doesn’t matter what you call me.” This was beyond ridiculous. It was just a name, not world peace. I’d answer to anything.
“But what do you like?” Henry’s voice was steady but immovable.
I moved farther into the makeshift apartment kitchen and began opening every drawer within reach. Why was he always so insistent on forcing me to tell the truth? Honestly, it was kind of annoying. If he’d just let me lie in peace, it would make everyone’s life easier.
“Ha! You’re going all Daddy on me.”
“And I’m still waiting for an answer.” He crowded me against the counter and bracketed me between his arms. “We’ve got all day.”
Henry was giving me an opening, and I wanted to take it.
“Drew. I’ve always liked the name Drew.”
“Nice to meet you, Drew.”
“You can’t just look at them. You have to test them,” Henry said earnestly.
As much as I wanted to test each and every one, it seemed kind of silly since I didn’t have money, an apartment, a job, or any prospects of any of those things. Testing out couches seemed, well, a little silly.
“I’m sure you have better things to do than watch me sit on couches that I won’t buy,” I answered as brightly as I could.
As much as I wanted to enjoy the window shopping, every price tag was a reminder that I had absolutely nothing in my life and no chance of fixing that any time soon.
Henry cocked his head and looked at me before he took my hands again and led me to a relatively quiet spot toward the back of the showroom.
“Drew, this is supposed to be fun. If it’s not fun, we’re not staying.”
“It is fun… I appreciate you bringing me even though I’m sure this isn’t what you wanted to do. I mean, you’re missing the tournament.”
“I don’t give a blessed goddamn about the tournament. I only got the tickets because I thought you liked pickleball, although I kind of suspected you were lying.”
“You thought I lied about pickleball?”
“Did you lie about pickleball?”
“Well, yes, but I didn’t want you to know that I lied about it.”
Instead of holding only one hand, Henry clasped both of them in his own.
“Drew, I don’t think I really understand what’s happening here.”
A part of me wanted to pretend that I didn’t know what he was talking about, but that seemed exhausting. Just like everything else in my life, the effort it took to keep up this lie that nobody cared about but me felt overwhelming.
“I don’t have a job.”
“Okay. Do you need a job?”
“I’ve never had a real job.”
“Is that something that needs to be addressed immediately?”
“It’s just… I don’t have a place to live. I don’t have an apartment. I don’t have a job. Why am I sitting here trying couches?”
“Because it’s fun, and it’s nice to imagine where you’d put it. And it’s okay not to know what your next steps are. Nobody has all the answers.”
“I suspect that you have always known the answers.”
“Okay, I’ll give you that one. I always knew I wanted to be a lawyer.”
“I don’t understand why you asked me to the tournament,” I blurted out.
Oh lord, my intrusive thoughts needed to stay inside my head. There was no reason to ask that question. It made me look pathetic and sad, which I was, but I didn’t want to share that. In my preppy shorts and boat shoes, I looked too put together to be depressed.
“Because I wanted to spend time with you.”
“Well, that seems like a silly reason.”
“What’s a better one?”
I was a little taken aback by the seriousness of his tone. It was almost like he meant it.
“Okay, I guess I have to accept that.”
“No, you don’t have to accept anything you don’t want. If you told me to take you home right now, I absolutely would. I’d be sad about it, but I would do it.”
“No, no, no, no, no. I didn’t mean it like that. Until I got all weird, I was having a nice time.”
“I suppose this is one of those existential crises?”
“I think it might be.”
“You know what would fix that?”
“Do you have tacos?”
“I don’t, but I will have meatballs soon. Before we get to the meatballs, though, I have something even better.”
“There’s no way. There’s absolutely no way. How on earth could I…? How on earth could I pick one? It’s impossible,” I muttered to myself in front of the plastic-coated wire bin.