41. Graham
41
GRAHAM
A s I lead the way back into the living room, I see the small card on the dining table. I freeze in place. My fingertips settle on the piece of glossy card stock. “My father was here?”
“Yeah,” Silas says, right behind me.
“What did he say?”
“I’m more interested in what you have to say.”
“Tell me, Silas.”
“He said we’re being watched.”
The blinds are closed and the apartment feels dead with the lack of summer sun. I feel dead, too. “I told him a lot,” I admit. “But I didn’t tell him everything.”
“Let’s talk then,” Silas says.
I continue to the couch and plop onto the cushion, grateful I don’t have to hold myself up anymore. This is going to fucking kill me. I’d rather be on a plank in open, shark-infested waters.
Silas gives me some space, which I don’t want but appreciate as he sits down, too.
I start with the biggest problem. “Gibson and Marianne have— proof —of our relationship. He said he wouldn’t make it public if I meet certain demands. ”
“Photos or videos?” Silas asks.
“A video,” I confirm.
He nods, taking this in, and to be honest, he’s handling it a lot better than I did. “So, Gibson is blackmailing you.”
“Yes.”
“What are the demands?”
“First, that I give Avery whatever she wants in the divorce.”
Silas laughs harshly. “Like what? She knows you’re not exactly rolling in it.”
“But my family is.” I slide a glance his way and wait for him to understand why I had to go to my father for help.
“I see,” he says, slowly.
“And my father has his own set of conditions for helping me.”
“I move out.”
I shut my eyes and take a deep breath through my nose, fighting the sob that wants to tear its way from my chest. “It’s not just that.” I swallow razor blades. “I can’t see you anymore, Silas.”
“Yeah, I figured that’s where this was headed. Look. I can find another place to go. You do whatever the asshole wants—Gibson, I mean. We’ll figure something out. I know it’s not ideal, but we can make it work.”
I shake my head. “He won’t—there’s nothing simple about this. There’s a man outside the door now. Waiting to take me back to the house.”
Silas looks over his shoulder like he can see through the wall. “Are you serious? Your dad hired someone to watch you?”
I nod. A shaky breath rattles from my chest. “The thing is—I’m not sure I can keep this from coming out. The other things Gibson wants—I might not be able to deliver.”
“Like what?”
“Political things. Favors. Votes. Statements that go directly against things I’ve said in the past.”
“Like? ”
“Like liberal shit that would get me into a lot of trouble with my colleagues.”
Silas glares at me, and I guess I deserve it. “What kind of liberal shit?”
Frustrated, I rake my nails across my scalp. “It doesn’t matter because I can’t do it. Not all of it. The only hope I have of salvaging this whole situation is my dad. And if I take his help—I can’t be seen with you. Ever.”
Silas’s voice is low with barely contained rage. “Explain this to me like I’m a child because you’re not making any fucking sense.”
I can’t look at him. Shame is like a slime coating me. “If I do what my father says, he’ll be generous with Avery. If we can manage to make her happy, there’s a chance Marianne might back off. I got the impression Gibson wasn’t a hundred percent on board with the rest of it, but he’s hard to read. He notoriously loyal to that bitch. But if he tries to move against us, my father has the influence to push back.”
“Us?” Silas asks, his voice acidic.
“My family,” I say even as my stomach contents rise up my throat.
Silas shakes his head in frustrated disbelief. “I’m not connecting the dots on what the fuck this has to do with me and you.”
“It’s my father’s condition. And it’s—honestly—I have a hard time disagreeing with him about it. It protects us both.”
“By us this time, you mean me and you?”
“Yes,” I say with a heavy, miserable sigh.
“So, what? You think if your daddy’s paying, you owe him something? Isn’t being his lackey in the senate enough for him?”
Ouch.
“He has a reputation,” I say. “The family has a reputation.”
“Yes. Right. Good Catholic boys who don’t fuck prostitutes or men. When the fuck did you start caring about that?”
“It’s not me,” I say, but it’s not until the words are out that I realize what a weak, pathetic excuse they are. Because of course this was my fault. My choices. My mistakes. My love I can’t bear to lose. This one man I can’t bring myself to drag down with me. “I have to think about everyone. There’s just too much at stake.”
“It doesn’t sound like you’re trying to protect everyone, though. Just them. Just yourself. What it really sounds like is I’m about to become collateral damage.”
“Silas, no—I’ll do whatever I can to?—”
“You just said you won’t. You said you can’t. That breaking up with me is okay, but supporting liberal shit is one bridge too far. Did I hear you right?”
“No. Jesus, that’s not what I meant.”
“Then what?” he snaps. “How are you gonna protect me? Do I need to call your dad, too? Get some of that money he offered me?”
“He did what ?”
“He used the same word—generous. He’s willing to be very generous to keep me out of your life.”
Of course he did. “I’m sorry, Silas. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“I don’t want your apology. I want you to fight for us. I want you to do the right thing. Because that’s something you can do, you know? Be out. Admit who you are and be proud because who you are is nothing to be ashamed of.”
“It’s not that simple…”
“Of course it is. You know what else is simple? Us. I love you. You love me. This. Works .”
“How?” I ask, so backed into this corner, I can’t see a way out. Every Lawther dead or alive is caging me in. Every Republican in congress. Gibson and Marianne. Avery. Nameless, wealthy donors I depend on.
And while none of them rise to the level in my heart that Silas occupies—each and every one of them could ruin his life, when all I have to do to protect him is let him go—get him the fuck away from me because I break everything I touch .
He doesn’t see it that way, and I love him for that, too.
“Fuck all this shit, Graham. You’re a lawyer. You don’t need a senate seat to make a name for yourself. You don’t need your family, either. You can support yourself. And if Manhattan is too full of haters, then we go somewhere else. We could be happy. You and me. We could have a real life.”
I started shaking my head around the time he mentioned my family. I’m still shaking it when his words stop.
For a long, horrible moment, there’s nothing. Emptiness and silence. And then he says, “Do you want me to go?”
I stare down at my hands.
I’ve lied over and over and over again, and so what’s one more? But this isn’t one I can manage. I remain silent, picturing the life I won’t have with him. One with a law practice and a home—maybe not in the mountains, but in a town that’s not too big or too small. Portland, Maine comes to mind.
I’m pulled from my reverie by his touch, his breath against my cheek, the brush of his lips and beard. “Don’t do this to us, baby. It doesn’t have to be like this. I know it feels impossible, but we’ve always been impossible, and we’re still here. Look at what we’ve been through. Look at who we are. We can do fucking anything . Please, please don’t let them take you away from me.”
I shiver as my eyes fall shut. My hand is gripping his leg, and his muscle tenses, reminding me who he is to me. What we have. A chemistry so electric, a love so natural, a bond that’s undeniable. My feelings for him are so strong, they scare the shit out of me. The things he’s asking of me scare me even more. Because he’s not right about me. I’m not strong enough to go against everything I was raised for.
But more than that, I’m not willing to put Silas at risk, not if I have a chance of saving him from the fallout. He has to be able to take care of his mother. If he’s exposed—if his clients are exposed—I can’t protect him, and my father certainly wouldn’t lift a finger .
No.
The only option is for all of us to take the money and follow my dad’s directions. And pray. Fucking pray that video never sees the light of day.
“Please,” Silas whispers again, his lips so close to my mouth, I can taste them.
“I’m sorry.”
“No.” He turns my head and kisses me.
I don’t want to let him in, don’t want to feel our connection become substance. But my mouth can’t stop wanting his. It opens for him, and his tongue slides in to lick against mine. Darkness wraps around my heart and clouds my mind as his kiss becomes all there is. His hand caresses my face tenderly, and my skin responds, starved for his touch.
I can’t. I can’t.
The tang of salt coats my tongue, and I assume I’m crying again, but when I brush his cheek with my thumb, the tears are falling from his eyes. I pull away and look at him.
I need him to understand.
We were always impossible. He was right. I don’t know how we managed to last as long as we did.
But this is where it has to end. “I have to go,” I whisper.
“No. You don’t. You need me. This is where you belong.”
I shake my head. “I was never supposed to be here.”
“Graham, goddamnit. Listen to me. Listen to yourself. You’re lying . Stop. Fucking. Lying .”
Anger sparks in my chest. It’s not at him, but he’s about to feel it. “I can’t . When will you understand that? You say you get me. You say you love me, but you don’t know. You don’t know what I’ve had to do—who I’ve had to become. You’re right. I am a fucking liar. You say I have choices, but you’ve got no fucking clue. The only choice I had I made when I stood at the front of that church and married someone for show. And look where that got me. It’s over. I made this mess, and I have to fix it. I’m sorry . ”
He stares back at me with wet, suspicious eyes. “Are you? Because I’m sick of empty apologies and your family bullshit. Fuck them. You deserve better.”
“I don’t deserve shit.”
“Fuck you . You’re not a liar, Graham, you’re fucking delusional. You think you can live like they want you to the rest of your life? Is that what’s on the table? Or are you gonna take it one term at a time? How much blood are you willing to loose before you say enough?”
All I can hear are my father’s words. He’ll be watching. He might not hurt me, but he won’t hesitate to hurt Silas if it keeps me in line.
Neither will Marianne or Avery.
I wish I could say all my reasons for leaving were so noble, but I’m face to face with my own cowardice, and I hate what I see. I don’t think I could survive a scandal like what might be unleashed if I don’t do exactly what my father says and go.
But living without Silas isn’t a life either. For the first time since we got out of the shower, my resolve slips. A ray of possibility shines and I leap for it. “You understand, I have to play along,” I tell him.
He nods cautiously. “I get that.”
“Which means we can’t see each other.”
“For now,” he says firmly.
I swallow hard and agree that he’s right. For now , we have to stay apart. Not forever. Just for now.
“Okay,” he whispers, leaning his forehead against mine, a breath of relief passing from him to me, but I don’t feel it the way it seems like he does. “Thank you.”
“I can’t promise anything,” I tell him.
“No one can. But you love me.”
“Yes,” I say, closing my eyes. Our lashes brush. “And you love me, too. ”
“I do.” He presses his mouth to mine one last time. “Okay, I’ll go.”
“Silas,” I say, wrapping my hand around his.
He stills.
“If the world ends before we figure this out, please know I did everything I thought I could do.”
“I think you and I both know there’s a hell of a lot more you could do. But I’ll be patient.”
I swallow hard and nod. He’s right. I just need time to figure out how not to ruin everything by asking for what I really want.
As he slips away from me, the warmth of him vanishes. I watch with a shattering heart as another tear streaks down his face.
I stare at the black TV screen as he packs his things to leave. I’m not sure how long it takes. But then I feel him move past me, behind the couch, his scent wafting past me for what I really think might be the last time.
When the apartment door closes, the final blow of the hammer hits my heart, smashing it to dust. The last words I said to him bounce like an echo through my skull.
Lies.